As Time Goes By
by everydayGrey
Summary: Begins after Season 3 finale, episode 3.25 'Didn't We Almost Have It All' Derek wants to be with Meredith, but she needs to be sure that she's ready. Now Meredith is pregnant, did she make the right choice asking Derek for more time?
1. Chapter 1

Suggested listening:

"Sun Comes Up"- John Legend

* * *

Meredith was pregnant. Derek had come to her, in the locker room, in that hour before the wedding, and asked her to make a decision. He _needed_ for her to make a decision, and she had walked away. It wasn't over then, not yet; but Meredith had to see Cristina walk down the aisle, needed to see her friend get married. What she needed was a sure thing. 

After everything that had happened in the last year, everything that had happened in the last forty-eight hours, even, Cristina getting married was what it all came down to. If Cristina could get her happily ever after, what was to say that Izzie and Alex and George and even herself couldn't find theirs, too? They just needed _one_ thing.

But Cristina, her fellow intern, intelligent, driven, her _person,_never needed convincing, didn't doubt. It was only then, forty-five minutes later, standing behind those chapel doors in front of Cristina, pleading with her to walk down the aisle, did Meredith have an answer for Derek. It was over, _so _over. Good things, things that were truly meant to be, shouldn't be this hard, right? After all, if Cristina couldn't do it, what chance did any of the rest of them have?

* * *

Busy occupied with post non-wedding damage control, the little signs went by unnoticed at first. To avoid thinking about Derek, Cristina became her first priority; Cristina and Burke's old apartment, Cristina and the honeymoon situation, Cristina finding out about Burke's resignation from Seattle Grace. Once she seemed to be doing better (Meredith could never really be sure because Cristina had always kept so much to herself), there was George. George, or "Bambi," as Cristina had nicknamed him, had not passed his intern exam with the rest of them, and needed to "find his way." Meredith was more than obliged to aide in his cause, and after George came to terms with his situation and decided to redo the year, it was time for them each (with the exception of George) to be assigned five new interns. 

All in all, by trying not to think of Derek, Meredith ended up doing just that: thinking of him all the time. In fact, as she leaned over the sink in the locker room and rinsed out her mouth, she had the nagging feeling that Derek might not be as out of her life as she had thought; not yet.

* * *

"Where's Grey?" Dr. Bailey barked right as Meredith rounded the corner and nearly ran into Alex and his interns. 

"Here, Dr. Bailey," she said, edging in next to Izzie, out of breath. "Sorry."

"That's the second day in a row, Dr. Grey. You may have your own interns now, but I am _still_ your resident, not your babysitter," she said, motioning towards Meredith's four new interns, plus George.

"Sorry Dr. Bailey," Meredith said again, taking the patient files that Bailey handed her. They had only been assigned their new interns two weeks ago and Meredith was pretty sure that hers were already wishing for a transfer. Well…maybe not George. Cristina shot Meredith a questioning look from next to her group of interns.

"Well don't everybody just stand there," Bailey ordered, "go find something to do! Oh, and Yang," she called out as they scattered with their interns, "this is a _teaching _hospital, Yang!"

"So I like to delegate," Cristina mumbled, catching up with Meredith, "is that so wrong?" She followed Meredith to the nurses' station and stood there with her arms crossed.

"What?" Meredith asked, glancing up from the file cart.

"So…" Cristina said slowly, "what's going on…?"

"It's nothing," she answered. Cristina glanced over at the interns and rolled her eyes.

"Okay, hold on," she said. "My interns, over here. Yeah, just wait right here. You too number four." She left them standing in the hall and hurried back to Meredith. "And you," she pulled Meredith away from her interns, "right here."

"_Cristina_, what are you doing?"

"The interns," she jerked her head towards the hall, "you don't want to say anything in front of them." It was more a statement than a question.

"Seriously?" Meredith asked incredulously, closing her file.

"Seriously." Cristina echoed. "They're nosy, I get it. Herding them around isn't all that it's cut out to be; they're always _there_. And now they're not. So talk."

"Cristina-"

"Is this a McDreamy thing?" she interrupted.

"_No_." Meredith crossed her arms and turned to face her. "Is micro analyzing my life a Burke thing?"

"Fine." Cristina glanced over her shoulder, ignoring the Burke comment. She lowered her voice, "Is it a number three thing?"

Meredith stared at her quizzically.

"A _Lexie_ thing," Cristina corrected herself, "is it a Lexie thing?"

"I don't talk to Lexie," Meredith said, looking away, "So no, it's not a 'Lexie thing'."

"But it is a thing!" Cristina said triumphantly.

"It's not a thing!"

"So nothing McDreamy?"

"Nothing McDreamy."

"But it's _always_ McDreamy…" Cristina rationalized, unconvinced.

"Not anymore." Meredith said resolutely.

"But you slept with him." Cristina said skeptically.

"We had breakup sex, and it was a mistake. Derek and I are not together, Cristina."

"Come _on_!" After what he said in the elevator! He's ready to be with you , Meredith! He's ready for a house and marriage and kids-"

"How did you-" Meredith began incredulously.

"Izzie." Cristina said, looking guilty.

"Izzie? How did she-"

"Oh come on, it's Izzie!" Cristina interrupted again, "But that's beside the point. He's ready, Meredith!"

"But I'm not!" Meredith said, angry. "I'm not, okay? You of all people should understand what would happen if I weren't fully committed to the relationship!"

Cristina recoiled.

"Um, okay," she said defensively, "Sorry. Look, I've got waiting interns." She turned to walk back down the hall.

"Cristina wait- I'm sorry."

"I'm free now," she stopped and turned back to face Meredith. "Things ending with Burke made me free. So now I've got time that would normally go to him, and you're my person. And since I don't have any surgeries scheduled for another," she looked at her watch, "two hours, that time goes to you...And your vomit!" she added in gleeful disbelief as Meredith suddenly ducked over and retched into the nearest trash bin.

* * *

"Hey, what's wrong with Meredith?" George asked, walking up beside Cristina. 

"No idea," Cristina answered amusedly, watching Meredith. She glanced over her shoulder. "George, where are the rest of the interns?"

"…Off."

"Off _where_?"

"Off. Doing paperwork, helping patients."

"You sent them _away_?"

"Why not? It's better for them than just standing there watching you and Meredith talk."

"_Them_? George, you're _one_ of them!"

"I'm a repeat, I know things."

"You've got to be kidding-" Cristina started loudly, then stopped mid-sentence to turn and stare at Meredith, who was spitting into the trash. "You've got to be _kidding_!" she said again, almost comically, pointing at Meredith.

"Uh, what's going on?" George asked, looking first to Meredith and then to Cristina.

"Nothing George," Meredith said, picking up her files. "It's nothing."

"Wait!" Cristina hurried after her, leaving George standing next to the trash bin, looking confused. "Wait!" she said again, catching up. "Seriously?"

Meredith stopped and turned to face her.

"I don't know."

"What!"

"I don't know yet." Meredith repeated, glancing down the hall.

"Don't you _want_ to!"

"No." Meredith shook her head. "Yes. I don't know. Look, I've got to go. I've got surgery in a half hour."

"Fine. But I _knew_ it was a McDreamy thing!"

"It's not a McDreamy thing." Meredith said firmly.

"It's not Derek's?"

"Yes, it is. But I don't even know if there is an 'it', Cristina! I've got to go."

"It is a McDreamy thing!" Cristina called after her smugly. "I was so right," she said, more to herself this time; and turned around to head back down the hall.


	2. Chapter 2

Suggested listening:

"Quelqu'un M'a Dit"- Carla Bruni

* * *

Cristina caught up with Meredith, who was sitting next to Izzie flipping through a medical textbook, at lunch. Meredith saw her coming from across the hospital courtyard and raised her book to hide her face, trying to act busy. 

"Meredith, uh, can I talk to you?" Cristina asked, walking up and glancing at Izzie.

"I've really got to go over this Cristina, can it wait?"

"It won't take long."

"Later, Cristina." Meredith said, knowing full and well what she wanted to talk about.

"Okay…so I should just put these in your locker then," Cristina said nonchalantly, reaching into her bag.

Meredith snapped her book closed.

"I'm free now," she said, pushing back her chair.

"Where are _they_ going?" George asked Izzie, walking up to the table and setting down his tray.

"Who knows?" Izzie answered, watching Meredith drag Cristina off. She took a bite of her apple. "Secret best friend, closed-circle kind of stuff, I guess…I'm not allowed," she said, matter-of-factly, "'cuz I slept with you."

George took an extra large drink of water and choked.

* * *

Meredith dragged Cristina into the locker room, checking to make sure they were alone, then rounded on her. 

"I distinctly remember being a bit more discreet when you were pregnant!" she said heatedly.

"_If_ you're pregnant," Cristina corrected, "you may not be."

"If I'm pregnant." Meredith repeated. "Pregnant…"

"There's only one way to know for sure," Cristina said, pulling several pregnancy tests from her bag and setting them on the bench. "Took them out of medical supply," she explained.

"No," Meredith shook her head, "I'm not ready yet."

"Why not, don't you want to _know_?"

"No."

"You have options, Meredith."

"I don't have options." She said blankly.

"Meredith-"

"_I don't have options_!"

"...So you would keep it."

"At least try and hide your displeasure." Meredith said.

"So you would keep it," Cristina repeated pointedly, "And what, transfer to obstetrics? Or _gyno_, maybe?

"Having a baby wouldn't mean I would have to transfer." Meredith defended.

"Oh, okay...so you'd be a surgeon slash _mommy_."

"Maybe I would. Dr. Bailey did it." Meredith said heatedly, registering the sarcasm in Cristina's comment.

"Fine." Cristina said.

"Fine."

"Bailey also had a husband." Cristina mumbled, looking away.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Meredith exclaimed.

"Dr. Bailey had a husband to go home to, Meredith! He was there to help with it!"

"Not 'it'; his name is Tucker."

"Whatever. You're a junior resident. You haven't picked your specialty yet and you're only going to be working more once you do-"

The door to the locker room swung open, cutting Cristina short. It was Lexie. She stopped, looking from Cristina to the pregnancy tests to a mortified Meredith.

"Out! Get out, Lexie!" Cristina sputtered, surprised enough to use her actual name.

Meredith watched as her half-sister turned around and hurried back out, staring at the door as it swung closed again. Finally, she turned back towards her friend.

"You know, we all know that you've got focus and drive, Cristina," she said, scooping up the tests and stuffing them into her locker. "But haven't you ever just...wanted _more_?" she asked; and with that, left the locker room.

* * *

And those were the events that led up to Meredith finding out that she was pregnant. She avoided Cristina for the rest of the day, trading a skin graft reconstruction that she knew Cristina would be scrubbing in on for Izzie's rounds with the interns in the pit. When Derek caught up with her after his last surgery that evening, she mumbled some excuse and hurried off; and when she passed Lexie in the hall, her half-sister had the good grace to act very distracted with the file cart. 

She had had enough of not knowing. Suddenly, she _needed _to know; anything was better than hanging here in the balance. She made her way towards the locker room and straight for her locker, pulling out the tests. The bathrooms were empty, and she locked herself into the stall on the end. Ten minutes later all three tests confirmed what she already knew; already feared.

Meredith Grey was pregnant.

* * *

_I know, this chapter was considerably shorter than chapter one, but there are more to come! Tell me what you think!_


	3. Chapter 3

Suggested listening:

"Hallelujah"- Brandi Carlile

* * *

The next couple of weeks at the hospital went by in a blur. Derek had begun to request Lexi on his surgeries (much to Cristina's dismay), and Meredith pulled farther away from him than ever before. This troubled Derek, who had hoped that their time apart would help them to move forward. Instead, it seemed they were moving backwards..."Meredith!" Derek had caught up with her outside the hospital the night before. "Meredith! Hey," he said again, falling into step beside her. "I've been calling your name…" 

"I didn't hear you, Derek." She kept walking.

"Since the elevator." He added, frowning. "I've been calling your name since the elevator…Meredith, what's going on? _Meredith_!" he said again when she didn't answer, reaching out a hand to stop her.

"_What_, Derek?" she asked, turning to face him. "What do you want?"

"I've missed you."

"I've been busy." She answered shortly.

"I haven't seen you in days!"

"You've seen me."

"We haven't talked; you never scrub in on my surgeries…"

"Lucky you've got Lexi to help with that."

Derek seemed taken aback.

"Lexi and I, we just talk," he said, "That's all."

"Fine." Meredith said, turning to walk away.

"Meredith!" he started to follow.

"Derek!" Meredith said, exasperated, "If you want to be with her, go! Just _go_. Request her for your surgeries, show her your trailer, but don't try and pretend you're doing it because of something I've done! Don't you think I know how it _works_? I'm the original girl from the bar; you used to want me in the OR with you…"

"Meredith, I still do! I've told you that! I don't know why it's any different this time-"

"Because it's 'this time', Derek, don't you see? What's going to be any different this time? I have come running back to you every single time that _you're_ ready. Addison shows up: I wait; I try and let you go. I wait for a _year_ while you try and fix the marriage that you didn't feel the need to tell me about-"

"And I told you I made the wrong choice, trying to fix things with Addison when they were beyond repair…I told you I was in love with you!"

"When the time was right for _you_; and mostly because your marriage to her didn't just magically fix itself!"

"Two seconds ago it was a bad thing that I was trying to fix my marriage! And besides, you didn't wait, you slept with other guys; and then you were with Finn!" Derek accused.

"But I was waiting for _you_. I couldn't commit, I never slept with Finn because there was that _tiny_ chance…and after you ended things with Addison I dumped him for you!"

"After practically holding a contest!"

"What did you expect, Derek? Finn was a good guy, and it took you a year to choose me; I couldn't just walk away from that."

"Meredith, if I could go back and choose between you and Addison again, you know I would."

"Would you? Because I thought things were finally going well and then you went and changed your mind again-"

"Because you didn't swim, Meredith! You didn't even try…it was complicated!"

"It was complicated because you were married, and then it was complicated because I was dating Finn, and then because I didn't swim, and then because you thought being chief was more important-" Meredith said, listing them one by one on her fingers, "There's always going to be something!"

"Not this time. I'm ready, I told you I was ready before Cristina's wedding-"

"Did you really expect me to come running back?" Meredith interrupted.

"-and I told you again in the elevator!" Derek finished.

"You're ready, Derek; I wasn't."

"But I thought giving you time would help with that…"

"I already love you, Derek; we wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't. Its coming back to you _again_, and hoping _again_ that this time things will work out, that I wasn't ready for."

"I know that, but it's been _weeks_-"

"It's been _years_ for me, Derek, and I-" Meredith paused, with an overwhelming urge to tell him her secret. "It's complicated…" she said finally, using the same excuse she had just condemned Derek for.

He ran a hand across his face.

"I can't believe this…" he said, frustrated. "I won't wait for you forever, Meredith."

"Well I guess that's been the difference between you and I this entire time, Derek," she said sadly, but only took a couple steps before turning back, as if she had just thought of something…

"What if there was a reason?" she asked finally, and at first Derek didn't understand. "Would you think that I only came back because of it?"

"You shouldn't need a reason to be with me." Derek accused.

And Meredith nodded knowingly; she had already known what his answer would be.

And now she had hers.

* * *

_So now they've talked; Derek's no closer to knowing, and Meredith is no closer to telling him! _


	4. Chapter 4

Suggested listening:

"How To Save A Life"- The Fray

* * *

Almost a month had passed since Meredith had found out she was pregnant, and more than two weeks since the argument with Derek outside the hospital. The two had not spoken since, and Meredith didn't think that that would change even if she suddenly decided she couldn't live without him. Derek bypassed her in the halls, and Meredith was constantly swapping surgeries to avoid him. They acted cordial in front of Dr. Bailey and the Chief, but one of them was always taking the stairs to avoid the elevator. Twice Derek had seen her run into the nearest bathroom to be sick, and each time she emerged he was still there; pretending to be busy at the nurses' station or glancing up from talking to an intern, quickly averting his eyes to hide his concern.

* * *

"Today's the day I'm going to tell him." Meredith said resolutely, lacing up her shoes and glancing at Cristina. 

"Today?" Cristina seemed impressed.

"Why, what's wrong with today?" Meredith asked, turning to face her friend.

"Oh nothing…" Cristina shrugged her shoulders, "Today's a good day. Today's a Wednesday, I like Wednesdays."

"Good-" Meredith began.

"But today, for telling Derek…" Cristina interrupted, "I dunno, Meredith."

"Why? What don't you know?"

"I just think…well, yesterday was a good day to tell him, or the day before, or the day before that. I think _everyday_ that you've decided to tell Derek has been a good day, and it hasn't happened yet." Cristina said, trying not to smile. "So I think I'll wait to see what happens before I pass judgment on today."

Meredith threw a scrub cap at Cristina.

"What?" Cristina laughed, ducking to avoid the poor throw, "Tomorrow could be a good day too, you know."

"It's going to be today," Meredith repeated. "My first doctor's appointment is in a week, he should have the chance to go. If he wants." she added.

"You know, you still have options," Cristina reminded half-heartedly. As soon as Meredith had told Cristina that she was pregnant, their argument from the locker room had been forgotten. They had been on good terms since, and Cristina wanted to keep it that way.

"He should know." Meredith repeated, not wanting to think about options.

"You're right." Cristina agreed.

"Yeah, he should know." Izzie said, leaning around the row of lockers, toothbrush in her mouth.

"You don't even know what we're talking about." Cristina said, narrowing her eyes at Izzie.

"You're still upset with her?" Meredith asked Cristina.

"She slept with George."

"I did too, once." Meredith pointed out.

"Thank you, Meredith." Izzie said gratefully, around her mouthful of toothpaste.

"George wasn't married then. Besides, she has no clue what we're talking about."

"Yes I do." Izzie said flatly, rinsing out her mouth in the sink.

"Oh really," Cristina scoffed, "what then?"

"You're talking about this." Izzie glanced around to make sure no one was near, and then rubbed her stomach.

"You told Izzie?" Cristina asked incredulously.

"She lives with me." Meredith shrugged. "I told George, too."

"It's_ Izzie _that can't keep a secret." Cristina said.

"Nope, you don't get to say that!" Izzie said triumphantly, "Look around…" she lowered her voice and whispered: "no one knows."

"What's the point of scheduling your appointments with an obstetrician at Mercy West if the whole hospital is going to find out now, anyways?" Cristina grumbled.

"She's known for a week, Cristina." Meredith explained. "She hasn't told anyone."

"That you know of."

"Listen," Izzie shut her locker particularly hard and turned to face Cristina. "No one knows, okay? I haven't told anyone."

"Oh right," Cristina said, standing to face her, "I guess you've got your own problems to deal with; committing adultery and all."

"So I slept with George-"

"Yes you did-" Cristina interjected loudly.

"-but I didn't sleep with Burke." Izzie continued, "So why are you so angry?"

"Because it was wrong." Cristina justified.

"I'm about to show you 'wrong!'" Izzie said, moving towards her.

"Okay, okay, stop!" Meredith squeezed in between them. "Are you joking?_ Everyone_ will know if I have to explain why you killed each other in the locker room!"

"Tell her to get out of my face, then!" Cristina said loudly.

"I will when you let this go!" Izzie said. "George and I slept together, it was a mistake, and I'm sorry it happened; but I don't need to explain myself to you!"

"You don't have to, I've already got my opinions."

"Whatever. You and Meredith can have your little closed circle! Sorry, Mere," she added, "But you made it perfectly clear how _you_ felt when you let Callie move into your apartment, so just drop it!"

"Okay, okay!" Meredith said again, pushing them apart. "We don't have to be a closed circle. Izzie is not going to tell anyone. And Izzie, I know you're tough-"

"I'm from a trailer park." Izzie added.

"-yes, and that's very intimidating," Meredith agreed, "but-"

"I went to Stanford." Cristina interrupted.

"-and Cristina went to Stanford;" Meredith consented, "but can we just agree to disagree?"

"Fine." Cristina said.

"Fine." Izzie nodded.

"Good." Meredith said, stepping back and closing her locker. "Because I have to tell Derek today."

* * *

Once Meredith left, Izzie looked at the floor, and Cristina suddenly became very interested in retying her shoe. 

"Is it wrong that I can't bring myself to tell her how much time Derek and Lexie have been spending together?" Izzie asked Cristina quietly, in an attempt at civility. She crossed her arms and leaned up against the lockers.

Cristina looked up at her, then towards the door as it swung and came to rest on its hinges. Finally, she asked:

"Is it wrong that I can't either?"

* * *

Meredith should have known that the day would not go well. Not long after she had left the locker room, she was overcome with nausea and spent the majority of the morning throwing up. By lunchtime, she was pale but determined to get this over with. Derek didn't have another surgery scheduled until that late that afternoon, but he was nowhere to be found. Meredith checked the cafeteria, the hospital courtyard, his office, all three of the coffee carts and even rode the elevator up and down a couple of times, hoping to run into him. She never did, and tried to ignore that she had not seen Lexie in any of the places she had looked, either. 

Meredith finally found Derek that evening. She had just finished up a coronary bypass with Dr. Burke and two of her interns and had gone to check the OR board for tomorrow. She heard his voice before she rounded the corner and was a little annoyed to see him standing by the board with Lexie. Derek looked up and his eyes met hers for a moment before quickly looking away. He had changed out of his scrubs and into jeans and a sweater, and Lexie looked cute and fresh and not like she had just spent all morning being sick in the bathroom. Meredith took a deep breath and noticed, with a small twinge of jealousy, Derek lean in and touch her arm as he talked, laughing, while Lexie blushed and said:

"See you, Dr. Shepherd," and walked off down the hall as Meredith advanced.

Unable to avoid her, Derek suddenly became very interested in a stack of files at the nurses station.

"Derek?" Meredith felt tired and wrinkled in her surgery scrubs, standing there next to him.

"Do you have a pen?" he asked the nurse behind the counter, glancing at Meredith.

"Derek." Meredith said again, pulling a pen from her scrub pocket and handing it to him first. "We need to talk." Taking the pen, he scrawled something across the bottom of a file chart, and then turned to walk away. "Derek, please-" she said, hurrying to catch up.

"What do you want?" he asked without looking at her.

"To talk."

"Why? You're not interested."

"Derek, that's not true."

"What, then?" he asked, stopping and turning to face her.

"I- wanted to tell you something," she said, glancing down the hall. "Could we talk in your office?"

"Meredith, I really don't have time…"

"Okay, fine," she said quickly, eager to get it over with. She stared at him. "Derek," she took a deep breath. "Derek, I'm..." She couldn't bring herself to say it. What did she want? What was her big plan? She felt ridiculous as he stood there, waiting for her to say something. "Derek, I'm-"

"Dr. Grey!" Meredith whipped around, grateful for the distraction. It was Callie. "I was just about to page you," Callie said.

"Dr. Torres?" Meredith asked.

"We've got multiple cases coming in down in the pit; a deer ran out into the road and now there's a four-lane pileup on the 44," she said, shaking her head. "I need all surgical teams ready. Page your interns…and, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look so great."

"I'm fine."

"Alright..." she turned to Derek. "Dr. Shepherd, we've got at least two head traumas, ambulances called ahead, both with blown left pupils. You might want to stick around. Grey, you come with me."

"I-" Meredith looked at Derek and then, unable to think of anything to say, quickly followed after Callie.

* * *

_Okay, so Derek is going to find out in the next chapter. Please review and tell me what you think!_


	5. Chapter 5

Suggested listening:

"Wait"- Get Set Go

* * *

Another week had gone by and still Meredith had not told Derek. She really had no excuse; she _had _known for more than a month now. Instead, she did her best to avoid thinking about it at all times: picking up extra shifts and sometimes working two days straight on no sleep. Usually after a shift like this, she would come home and crash into bed, asleep before she had even changed out of her clothes. She had grown to like the night shifts, though; it was quiet, with not as many people running around and not nearly as much gossip.

No matter how many excuses Meredith came up with for not telling Derek, however, they _did _seem to be doing better. They had talked in the elevator several times and even scrubbed in on a couple of the same surgeries. But neither had mentioned the evening that Meredith had asked to talk to him; and as for Lexie, Meredith didn't know what was going on there, and Derek never brought it up.

"He's noticed something's up, though." Izzie had said. "You've got to tell him, Meredith."

If he had noticed anything, he didn't ask her about it, and Meredith didn't have the energy to worry about what she would say if he did.

The evening of the huge highway accident had dragged on well into the night. Even with half of the injured being transferred to Mercy West; Seattle Grace had the best surgical teams available and received most of the more extensive cases. While Cristina was thrilled, Meredith had a hard time keeping up with moving back and forth between the two OR rooms from one surgery to the next, while also helping to instruct the interns.

More than once one of her friends had found her asleep on a gurney in a random hall; or shaken her awake in the on call room because she had slept through a page. Her Wednesday doctor's appointment drew steadily closer and still she did not tell Derek.

* * *

"Okay, this will help the machine get a better picture, but it's going to be pretty-" 

"Cold?" Meredith finished for her, inhaling sharply as the doctor applied gel to her stomach.

"Cold." Dr. Lee laughed, wiping off her glove and bringing the ultrasound wand up to Meredith's stomach.

"Dr. Lee?" Meredith asked, "Why are we doing an ultrasound so early, doesn't that usually wait until twenty weeks?"

"I thought this was your first pregnancy-" Dr. Lee began, surprised.

"It is." Meredith explained. "I'm a junior resident at Seattle Grace."

"So it's _Dr._ Grey."

"You can just call me Meredith."

"Well, Meredith, the baby's heart beat is a little slower than I'd like. It's been awhile since I was a resident, but if it still involves long hours, standing on your feet for what seems like days at a time, and running down to the ER at a moment's notice, then it's pretty well explained. The ultrasound is just a precaution."

Meredith nodded.

"Have you talked to Chief Webber about your pregnancy yet?"

"No." Meredith answered begrudgingly.

"You might want to sit down with him and discuss your options. Being pregnant while trying to complete your residency is going to mean a lot of stress on you and the baby."

Meredith didn't answer; she didn't want to hear about options.

"If you don't mind my asking, Meredith, why did you come here? You work at a hospital."

"Because everyone would know." Meredith explained. "We have a small problem with gossip at Seattle Grace."

"Oh, it's not just Grace, let me assure you; I think all hospitals must be the same." Dr. Lee laughed.

Meredith smiled.

"You know, I used to know an Ellis Grey there. Any relation?" she asked.

"My mother." Meredith answered quietly.

"She's an excellent surgeon."

"Was." Meredith corrected.

"Oh...I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Meredith was quiet, watching the screen.

"There," Dr. Lee pointed. "That's your baby."

* * *

"Fifteen weeks." Meredith said in disbelief, shutting her locker and turning to face Cristina. "I'm almost _four_ months pregnant." 

"How oblivious were you?" Cristina asked, practicing her sutures on a banana. "You were walking around here for almost _three_ months before you even considered you might be pregnant."

"We're junior residents," Meredith defended, "I don't always remember to think about that kind of stuff."

"Did she ask you about the father?"

"I was hoping she wouldn't."

"So, what'd you say?" Cristina asked, peeling the banana and taking a bite.

"Not much. That he wasn't involved."

"Considering he _still_ doesn't know." Cristina said pointedly.

"I know, I _know._" Meredith said, guilty.

"He asked about you this morning."

"Who?" Meredith asked, offhand.

"You know 'who'. Bailey told him you had the morning off and he seemed bothered about it."

"Who, Dr. Shepherd?" George asked, walking into the locker room and catching the last of Cristina's sentence.

"Yep." Cristina said, taking another bite of her banana.

"He did." George confirmed, pulling a sandwich and a chocolate cupcake out of his locker. "He wanted you to scrub in on his craniotomy."

"Oh." Meredith said, trying to hide her pleasure.

"Lucky," George mumbled around his mouthful of sandwich. "I wish _Izzie_ were an attending, then I could scrub in on all of her surgeries."

"Why wouldn't you just wish that _you_ were the attending, George?"

"Oh, yeah," George said, taking another bite. "I guess that would be easier."

Cristina rolled her eyes.

"So, McDreamy wants you back." She said, turning to face Meredith. "He probably misses the McNasty."

"Or maybe he really did just want me to scrub in…because I'm a good surgical resident?" Meredith said pointedly. Cristina stared at her blankly.

"Or because he misses the McNasty," she repeated.

"Thanks for the vouch of confidence." Meredith said sarcastically, then continued, "I got a sonogram."

"Let me see!" George said loudly.

"Whoa-" Cristina said as Meredith pulled it out. "You brought it to work?"

"Why?" Meredith froze. "What's wrong with that?"

"It's bad." Cristina said. "Meredith, it's bad! You bring that thing to work and everyone will know!"

"That 'thing' is her baby, Cristina," George said, taking it from Meredith.

"And I'm not going to show it to anyone." Meredith reasoned.

"Oh, but see-" Cristina said, standing up, "You just did! You showed it to George!"

"Cristina, George already knows-"

"Hey, what is that, O'Malley?" Alex barged into the locker room, pulling his scrub top off over his head and snatching the sonogram from George. "Meredith G-r-e-y…" He said appreciatively, drawing the name out.

"I told you!" Cristina said, paranoid. "Now Alex knows!"

"I should know, it is _mine_." Alex said seriously.

George dropped his sandwich. Meredith laughed. Cristina glared.

"You can close your mouth, George," Cristina ordered. "He's kidding."

Alex passed the sonogram back to Meredith.

"Oh man, O'Malley," he laughed, "you are _gullible!_ I'm guessing it's McDreamboat's?" he asked, turning to Meredith.

"It's_ McDreamy._ Not McDreamboat." George said pointedly.

"Whatever man," Alex said. "You spend way too much time with these chicks."

George sat back, contemplating this.

"You should put it in your car, Meredith." Cristina said, watching her put the sonogram back into her locker.

"You're really concerned about this, aren't you?" Meredith asked, amused.

"Just put it in your car."

"I can't," Meredith said, shrugging her shoulders, "I let _Alex_ borrow my car last night, and my gas tank was on _empty_ this morning-"

"So-rry." Alex called from near the sink.

"-and then George and Izzie left without me-" Meredith accused.

"Sorry, Mere." George added also.

"-so I had to take the bus."

"Okay," Cristina said, frustrated. "Just don't say I didn't warn you."

"I've been warned." Meredith reassured, pulling open the door to the hall, "I'll take it home at the end of my shift."

* * *

_I know I said Derek would find out in this chapter, but I spent so much time on it that I had to break it into two parts! This was the hardest chapter yet so I hope you appreciate it; please review!_


	6. Chapter 6

Suggested listening:

"Sea Anemone"- Jets to Brazil

* * *

Meredith was tired, but otherwise in a good mood; she only had to work a six hour shift since she'd taken a half day off for her doctor's appointment that morning. Leaving the locker room, she went upstairs to check the OR board, just in time to see Callie writing her name down for a double bypass in an hour.

"Dr. Grey," Callie greeted her, capping the marker and stepping back from the board. "Dr. Hahn has requested that you scrub in for her double bypass this afternoon...you should probably choose two of your interns to scrub in with you."

Meredith nodded, looking over the board.

"Are you the on call resident tonight?" Callie asked after a moment.

"No," Meredith said, and then hesitated. "I think its Dr. O'Malley."

"Oh, right." Callie bit her lip and looked back up at the board.

"How's living with Cristina?" Meredith asked carefully, glancing sideways at her.

"She's messy."

"I know." Meredith nodded.

"It's not the same as George."

"No, probably not…" Meredith turned to face her, then asked: "Are you okay?"

"Not really." Callie said shortly. "You?"

"I'm not really okay, either," Meredith admitted.

"Surgery- it helps." Callie suggested, looking at her.

"That's always been Cristina's belief."

"It does."

"I'll keep that in mind," Meredith said.

* * *

Meredith stood in the elevator with two of her interns forty-five minutes later, heading up to OR 2 for the surgery with Dr. Hahn. They rode up one floor and stopped; the doors opened and Derek stepped inside, followed by Alex. 

"Oh, hey." Derek seemed surprised to see her.

"Hey." Meredith's heart started to pound, and she narrowed her eyes at Alex in warning.

_Why hadn't she told him that Derek didn't know yet?_

Alex grinned.

"How're you feeling, Meredith?" Alex asked, seemingly concerned.

"I'm _fine_, Alex," she answered shortly. Derek glanced from her to Alex, and back.

"I had a craniotomy this morning." Derek finally said.

"I heard," Meredith answered.

"You weren't there."

"I know," she said simply.

"I thought I'd ask you to scrub in."

"I had the morning off." She could feel Derek's stare. He glanced towards her interns. Alex's grin widened.

"Is everything…okay?" Derek asked a second later.

"Oh yeah, she's-" Alex started.

"Everything's great." Meredith said resolutely, cutting Alex off. The doors slid opened and she shot out of them, interns in tow. "I've got a surgery," she mumbled in explanation, and didn't wait for a reply.

* * *

"No, it's going to need to be reinforced," Dr. Hahn was saying, examining the inner ventricle they were operating on. They had been in surgery for over an hour and were about to close up the heart. 

"Dr. Grey." Dr. Hahn spoke.

A pause. The room was quiet; a few nurses looked up, waiting for Meredith to answer.

"Dr. Grey?" Hahn repeated. Her words seemed to echo in the still room. "_Dr._ _Grey!_"

Meredith finally looked up.

"Yes, Dr. Hahn?" came Meredith's delayed answer. The nurses around her relaxed and glanced around at each other, eyes wide.

Dr. Hahn narrowed her eyes in contemplation.

"Would you like to do the honors?" She held Meredith's gaze, holding up the stitching tools, until Meredith had to glance away.

"Thank you, Doctor," she said, taking the tools.

"Let's go ahead and do a running web stitch," Dr Hahn stepped back to allow Meredith room.

Meredith stood above the open chest cavity, tools raised in preparation and looking down...but she didn't move.

"Dr. Grey?" Hahn asked. Meredith looked up. "You just came off of a forty-eight hour shift, did you not?"

"Yes." Meredith answered. "But I had the morning off."

"And did you use that time to get some sleep?"

Meredith hesitated.

"Yes," she lied. Dr. Hahn nodded in approval, and then spoke:

"I've got a man who's been on bypass for," she looked up at the clock, "over an hour and a half, Grey…and I'm asking you to do a running web stitch."

Meredith nodded and, after a pause, lowered her tools towards the heart.

* * *

"Coming off bypass…" a nurse announced a short while later, shutting down the machines. 

"Dr. Grey-" Dr. Hahn's voice interrupted her thoughts; Meredith had performed the stitch and moved back to her side of the table; but she could not keep her mind on the patient who lay on the table in front of her.

"Yes, Dr. Hahn?"

"Come and stand on this side, please. Have the paddles ready."

Meredith nodded, passing her tools off to one of her interns.

"You'll need to cauterize any stray bleeders," Meredith instructed him, moving to the other side of the operating table next to Dr. Hahn.

_If only Alex hadn't been there...or the interns…I could have told Derek. _

"Dr. Grey, we may need to help with the restart." Dr. Hahn warned in advance.

"Pulse weakening-" the other of Meredith's interns announced.

_It would have been the perfect opportunity…_

"Dr. Grey."

"He's flat-lining!" someone announced.

_Oh, but she was mad at Alex-_

"Dr. Grey!"

Meredith snapped out of her thoughts and brought the heart paddles down to either side of the chamber walls. They all waited in unison; the heart remained still.

"Charge again," Dr. Hahn anticipated.

Meredith glanced at her.

"Give it a minute…" Dr. Hahn said quietly, waiting.

Meredith started to lower the paddles:

"_Wait_-" Dr. Hahn said intensely...

"...There's the pulse," a nurse finally announced. The pulse monitor beeped back into life and became steady; the room breathed a consecutive sigh of relief as the man's heart constricted and began to pump on its own.

"Good job, everyone." Dr. Hahn said appreciatively. She turned to Meredith. "Dr. Grey, scrub out and get cleaned up."

"Don't you want help with the close?" Meredith asked quickly.

"No." Dr. Hahn shook her head. "Your shift is over. _Scrub out._"

* * *

Meredith peeled off her gloves and threw them into the trash; Cristina had seen the whole thing from the gallery, and was already there waiting when Meredith pushed open the door from the OR into the scrub room. 

"What happened?" Cristina asked incredulously. "I've seen you do a running web stitch! Meredith, what'd she say?"

"She threw me out." Meredith said angrily, pulling off her mask and flinging it into the trash. "She's sending me home."

"_What?_" Cristina followed Meredith across the room to the door. "Meredith-"

"Forget it," she said, pulling open the door and disappearing into the hall.

"Hey, what happened in there?" Izzie asked, catching up with her outside the scrub room. "I saw the whole thing from the gallery; Meredith, are you okay?"

Meredith rounded on her.

"Just _stop_ asking me that, okay?"

* * *

"...Hey, Grey," Alex greeted Meredith when she burst into the locker room a few minutes later. She heatedly grabbed her things from her locker and then advanced towards him. 

"My relationships are not something that you get to use for some kind of twisted game, Alex!" she said loudly and without preamble. "And you better fill my car up with gas _before_ tomorrow morning!" She turned angrily and pushed back through the door, leaving Alex standing beside the lockers with a stupid grin on his face.

Back out in the hall, Meredith got halfway around the corner and collided smack into Dr. Bailey.

"For God sakes, Grey!" Bailey said loudly, stumbling backwards. The medical charts she had been holding fell and scattered everywhere; Meredith hurried to pick up the things she had dropped, piling them against the wall.

"Sorry, Dr. Bailey," Meredith said, "I'm sorry…"

"-running around here like other people don't have places to go," Dr. Bailey was ranting.

"Here," Meredith said, helping her pick up the papers, "…and here's some more, I'm sorry…"

"It's fine, Grey…"

"I-" Meredith stopped. Someone had rounded the corner and was standing amidst the scattered files, and there was something in his hand...

* * *

Derek looked up at Meredith, who stood slowly. The enormity of the situation seemed to press in around her. Did this kind of stuff seriously ever happen in real life? Even now, all Meredith could think was that Cristina had been right; Cristina would be pleased to know that she had been right... 

An eternity seemed to pass before he finally spoke:

"What the hell is this?"

Was that hurt in his voice? _Why hadn't she told him_? She'd had all the chances...

"Derek..." she began carefully.

"Meredith!" he cut across loudly. She cringed, and her voice seemed to stick in her throat.

Looking back and forth between the two, Dr. Bailey frowned and moved over to see what Derek was holding. Meredith couldn't move; she could only watch as her big secret unraveled before her. Bailey's eyes widened in disbelief as she read the name on the corner of Meredith's sonogram, and she too looked up at her and stared.

"Grey?" she asked finally, and Meredith closed her eyes.

They had their answer.

"You're _pregnant?_" Derek accused.

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed the two-part update; more to come, hopefully soon! What do you think?_


	7. Chapter 7

Suggested listening:

"The Chalet Lines"- Belle & Sebastian

* * *

Derek was sitting on one of benches outside of Seattle Grace, staring out onto the wet parking lot. There were not many cars left, just those of the nurses, interns, and doctors who were working the night shift. His back was to the hospital, but Derek had not seen Meredith leave. He wondered where her car was. A minivan rolled into the parking lot; a nurse Derek recognized from obstetrics got out and hurried off into the hospital, late. Thunder rolled in the distance: it was going to rain again. 

He hadn't said anything. Once he'd realized...he hadn't said anything to Meredith. Handing the sonogram to Bailey, he had turned and walked away, leaving them standing amongst the scattered lab reports. And then he had come out here and sat on the bench; staring into the parking lot and ignoring his colleagues as they drifted out of the hospital, calling out cheerfully or waving goodnight…on their way home to their happy families and their happy lives.

At one point, as it got steadily darker, George had come and sat down beside him.

"You know, huh?" George had asked, and Derek didn't have to ask what he meant. He watched the parking lot for a while.

"I know." Derek finally agreed, nodding.

"How long have you been out here?"

Derek glanced at him and shrugged his shoulders.

"An hour, maybe two," he said finally.

"Oh." George looked out at the parking lot too. Someone called out his name and he half waved, then glanced back to Derek. Neither spoke.

"It's warm in LA." Derek said after awhile.

"Why?" George asked quickly. "What're you thinking about LA for?"

"Addison always wanted to have kids," he said, turning to face George. "I used to tell her that we didn't have time for kids. One of us was always at the hospital."

"You're a surgeon." George pointed out.

"That's what I used to say too."

George was quiet, and after awhile, Derek spoke again:

"I used to say, 'Addison, you're a neonatal surgeon'."

"Yeah?" George said, not really following.

"Of course she wanted kids," Derek continued. "But I always told her: 'You don't really want kids; you just think you do because you're around them all the time'."

"Oh." George said unhelpfully.

"But she did. Addison would have wanted kids even if she had never set foot inside a hospital," Derek finished sadly. "…And I never realized that until now."

"I-" George didn't know what to say. "...I'm sorry."

"Yeah." Derek finally agreed; and then both of them, hearing footsteps, had looked up. It was Bailey.

"Dr. Bailey." George greeted thankfully, motioning towards Derek, who had turned back towards the parking lot.

"It's alright George. I'll see you tomorrow," she had said.

George got up quickly and Bailey took his place.

* * *

"Derek…" Bailey began. 

"Where's Meredith?" Derek interrupted, his voice tight.

"She's… talking to the Chief," Bailey consented carefully.

"Why?" he asked quickly. Bailey was quiet for a moment.

"You weren't the only one who didn't know, Derek..." she said finally. "I didn't know, Dr. Torres didn't know…Dr. Webber had no idea-"

"If I didn't love her I would be Chief right now-" Derek said, turning to watch her reaction.

Dr. Bailey didn't seem surprised.

"You already knew?" Derek asked finally.

"He told me he offered you the position, Derek, but that's-"

"She's my best friend, Miranda," he interrupted sadly. "I love her."

* * *

Meredith sat across the desk from Dr. Webber in his glass-walled office, waiting for his reaction. 

The Chief sighed.

"I knew it had been too long since I'd heard from one of you," he said wearily. "Nothing," he continued. "Not a single complaint about O'Malley, Karev, Stevens or Yang in almost two months. No cut LVAD wires, no secret hand tremors, no sneaking down into the morgue to perform illegal autopsies, no illicit intern-patient romances. And now I know why," he said in disbelief, "because now, I get this." He motioned towards Meredith, who sat before him.

"It's not like that-" Meredith assured.

"It's exactly like that," Richard interjected. "When it involves one of the top brain surgeons in the country -this hospital's _head of Neuro_- and the daughter of Ellis Grey-"

"What does this have to do with my mother?" Meredith demanded quickly.

"You're very talented, Meredith, and you show immense promise as a surgeon; but this…?" The Chief shook his head, "You're mother would be so-"

"What?" Meredith cut across softly, "…'Disappointed'?"

Richard hesitated.

"I told her I would look after you," he said finally.

"She's dead!" Meredith said shrilly, rising from her chair, "She doesn't care! She probably didn't understand you anyways; she had Alzheimer's!"

"I know." Richard said quietly.

"Oh, of course you do," Meredith accused mockingly, "You're _Richard Webber_: married, but still nurturing a flame for Ellis Grey after all these years…She left Thatcher, _you_ didn't leave Adele; so please, stop acting like your promises suddenly mean something…"

The Chief of Seattle Grace recoiled, not quite able to hide the look of hurt that crossed his face. The clock on the wall ticked slowly, loud in the silence, and the muted sound of the intercom could be heard from the hall...

"Meredith-" he began finally.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Webber," she said quickly, regretful. "About…everything."

Richard considered this for a moment, looking at her. After a significant pause, he shook his head and glanced away.

"Are you planning to transfer?" Richard asked solemnly, looking down and pulling a stack of paperwork towards him.

"Transfer?" Meredith repeated, in question.

"Nursing, obstetrics, family practice…" he supplied, putting pen to paper and still not looking up at Meredith. "You know, something with a lighter workload? Less hours, fewer shifts…"

"No," Meredith said quickly, "I'm keeping on with my residency."

Finally, the Chief glanced up at her, skepticism all over his face.

"You said so yourself: I'm a good junior resident, I can do this," she added. There was a long silence, and Meredith had almost opened her mouth to repeat herself when Dr. Webber spoke:

"Take the rest of the week off, Grey," he said finally.

Meredith stared.

"Why? I don't need it-"

"Right now you and your boyfriend are generating more problems in this hospital than revenue," he cut in sternly. "I've got to talk to Derek, I've got to take a look at your residency plan and see if there is even a realistic possibility of you making it to senior resident after the time you'll be taking for maternity leave-"

"He's not my boyfriend." Meredith corrected. "And I can do this; I won't take maternity leave, I'll work extra shifts to get in more training hours-"

"In all reality, with a first-year resident's workload, you'll probably have to take your leave at thirty-six weeks," Richard said rationally, "if not before then."

"I won't," Meredith persisted, "Dr. Bailey didn't-"

"Dr. Bailey is and was a _senior resident_," he cut in loudly. "She was in a higher position than you are now; she had a husband to go home to, she works _fewer _hours than a junior resident!"

"But-" Meredith started.

"_Dr. Grey-_" Richard said impatiently, "This is not your decision. You are almost four months pregnant and did not, apparently, find it relevant to inform Dr. Bailey, Dr. Torres, or myself-"

"I_ just _did-" Meredith interjected loudly.

"And only after it came out if front of Miranda in the hall!" he said angrily, standing up. "Now I am telling you to take the rest of the week off-"

"I_ don't _need it!"

The Chief shook his head in disbelief, massaging his temples, and then looked up at Meredith.

"I had the pleasure of a visit from Dr. Hahn after her double bypass a short while ago," he said pointedly, "and she wasn't happy."

Meredith felt his eyes on her, waiting for a response. After a moment, he continued:

"I don't know what happened with you in there Grey, and I sure as hell don't want to have to review the surgical tapes to see...as Dr. Hahn suggested. But you of all people know that we do not bring our personal problems with us into the OR. When we scrub in we are surgeons; not worried surgeons, not tired surgeons, not _distracted_ surgeons…We literally have peoples' lives at our hands...You are taking the rest of the week off, you do not have a choice," he said resolutely. "I expect to see you in my office before your shift begins on Monday."

* * *

_Alright; I know this was an intense conversation for Richard/Meredith, but I wanted the difficulty of Meredith being a pregnant junior resident to seem realistic. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, I really appreciate the feedback! If you're worried, don't be: Meredith and Derek will have some talking to do in the next chapter...I've got some (hopefully) good ideas for how I'm going to continue but I'd like some feedback before I update anymore... _:) 


	8. Chapter 8

Suggested listening:

"Keep Breathing"- Ingrid Michaelson

* * *

Derek was still on the bench outside. An ambulance, sirens blaring, pulled into the emergency bay; it was getting dark, the last remnants of the setting sun slanting across the parking lot from behind Seattle Grace. He didn't know how much time had passed, and he didn't care. He was young, he had friends…he was an award-winning neurosurgeon; and it all meant nothing. It all meant nothing without her.

A cool breeze blew across the parking lot; Miranda had left awhile ago, unable to convince him to go home…to get off this bench, and Cristina had roared off on her motorcycle, determinedly avoiding his gaze. He knew he should go home. There was nothing left but to go home, and still, he sat.

And then something made him turn around.

It was Meredith, standing there a few yards away, her hair blowing gently with the wind, her arms down at her sides. Derek didn't know how long she had been there, quiet…just standing there. He waited a moment and then stood up, and she didn't move except to nervously wring her hands as he walked towards her.

"Derek," she said when he reached her, and he paused, waiting for her to say more. She didn't.

"Meredith-" he began.

"I'm so sorry, Derek," she interrupted sadly.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. After a moment, he started:

"Meredith-"

"Wait-" she pleaded.

"Why?" Derek asked. "Why should I wait, Meredith? I'm through with waiting. I'm don't want to chase after you anymore. How could you-" his voice broke, "-how could you keep this from me?"

"I was going to tell you-"

"_When_, Meredith?" he paused. "When were you going to tell me?"

"I-" she hesitated, shivering slightly in the breeze. "I was always going to tell you, Derek."

Derek took a step back.

"Always?" he repeated. "Just like you were going to try for us, Meredith…just like you were going to try for me? I've been ready. I've been waiting."

"I _know_."

"I know you weren't ready, Meredith. I know you said you needed time. But if you're pregnant and you didn't even bother to tell me…" he shook his head, "then you don't need me. You've just given me your answer." Thunder rolled across the sky, exaggerating Derek's statement. He glanced upwards, into the darkness, and then down at the hospital. Finally, his gaze came back to rest on Meredith.

"You never mentioned…" he said quietly, "how far along are you?"

Meredith took a deep breath.

"Fifteen weeks," she answered slowly, waiting for his reaction.

A look of despair crossed Derek's face as he realized just how long she had kept this from him. He ran a hand across his face, and, after what seemed an eternity, looked back up at her accusingly.

"Fifteen weeks," he repeated conclusively.

Meredith nodded, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. Derek shook his head and took a step back, taking it all in. It was all just too much; and finally, he turned to walk away.

"Derek!" Meredith called after him, and started to follow, "I love you."

Derek paused, and finally turned back to face her. A heavy clap of thunder resonated resolutely through the skies; it began to rain, and there was a sense of finality about it.

"It's okay, Meredith," he answered discerningly, and already he was soaked. "You don't have to."

Meredith shook her head, refusing to accept his words.

"No-" she went quickly to him through the rain, and kissed him as passionately as she knew how. "I talked to the Chief, I'm working things out," she said breathlessly, pulling back from him. Her eyes searched his face; dripping wet and disappointed…defeat suppressed underneath his sad smile.

"Derek…?" Meredith wrapped her arms around him. "Derek?" she said again, more urgent this time…refusing to concede with his acceptance that it was over; that he was done.

Derek closed his eyes; her hair smelled like lavender even in the cold rain. He slid his hands up to rest against her belly -which had looked flat beneath her scrubs- and was surprised to feel a small roundness there. Meredith's small frame shook against him, racked with sobs that were drowned out by the sound of the rain. It tore him apart, but he had to be finished, and his throat ached with the effort to suppress tears.

'I can't," he said finally and Meredith pulled back, shaking her head in denial.

"_Don't_-" she said, biting down on her bottom lip. "Derek…"

It was a long time before he finally spoke:

"I want to be there for the baby," he said at last. Meredith nodded zealously, but before she could speak, Derek continued: "But…that's all," he said resolutely. It was still pouring, and Derek's hands fell back down to his sides as Meredith stepped away, disbelieving.

"It's cold," he said finally. "You should…go home." He took a last look at the sky, the rain, the hospital…but he couldn't look at her as he turned and walked away.

* * *

_Hi everyone, although not very lengthy, this chapter took me a long time to write because I just couldn't figure out how Derek and Meredith were going to come back from their problems, especially after the last couple of chapters. I think I've got it worked out now, so hang in there, and please review! More updates very soon if you do! Thanks _:) 


	9. Chapter 9

Suggested listening:

"Boston"- Augustana

* * *

The following morning dawned as cold and miserable as Derek felt as he hurried through the rain into Seattle Grace, hours before his shift began. He had lain awake all night, staring up at the ceiling as the dim morning light slowly made its way across his trailer. Turning over onto his side, he watched the minutes on his alarm clock tick by for awhile before finally getting up to take a shower. He was incredibly forlorn; the events from last night kept replaying in his head as he went over his relationship with Meredith, trying to figure out where it had all gone so wrong.

He wished he had someone that he could talk to. Addison -whom he had always referred to before- was gone, happy in L.A; and George, although he had made an effort last night, was probably on Meredith's side. Derek already knew what Mark would say: "She's just a dirty mistress…you'll find others," or "Why are you so hung up this? Let her go…or better yet, send her my way…" Mark never did take things very seriously. It was only now that Derek realized he and Burke really had been friends…sort of. Erica Hahn was okay, but this was something he could have talked to Preston about. And now that option was gone, too.

After changing into his scrubs, Derek sat in his office and stared at the wall, not really thinking. More than anything he wanted to believe that he had made a mistake in telling Meredith that he was finished, that he couldn't be in this relationship anymore. But he needed to_ feel _it, and that was the hard part. He realized now that with Addison, it had only ever been a legally binding marriage. But Meredith was different. He had already told her he was ready for marriage, a home…kids. He had cheated Addison out of her one true wish for children -always ready with an excuse for why it wasn't the right time- and now his marriage of more than ten years was over. Before, his focus on his career had always come first; the thrill of drilling into someone's skull cap to relieve pressure or operating on the nerve endings of a brain was his life. But throughout everything that had happened in the last two years, his priorities had gradually changed. He still enjoyed being a surgeon -there was nothing like a successful craniotomy to remind him of that- but Meredith had given him something more; something to appreciate outside of the hospital, as well.

Derek didn't realize how long he had been sitting alone in his dark office until someone knocked quietly on the door.

"Come in," he called, clearing his throat and suddenly realizing that his face was wet; he hurriedly wiped his eyes on the white sleeve of his lab coat.

"Dr. Shepherd?" It was Angela, the head nurse on the neurology floor. "Dr. Webber is looking for you," she explained. "He's been paging…"

Derek searched through his pockets, keeping his head down.

"It was on silent," he said finally, pulling out his pager and holding it up. She hesitated, noticing his red eyes.

"Do you want me to tell him I've found you?" she asked.

Derek shook his head.

"I'll be up there in a minute," he said.

* * *

Straightening his lab coat, Derek wiped his eyes again and, pulling open his office door, headed for the elevator. He hadn't seen Meredith yet, and tried to keep himself from thinking of her. He waited in the hall, and after a moment, the doors to the elevator slid open. Izzie and George where the only two inside, and as he stepped on, Izzie pulled back from George with a small giggle to turn and glare at him. The elevator whirred into life and slowly descended. George gave him a small smile. Izzie stared in the opposite direction. Finally, Derek spoke: 

"Meredith?" he asked quietly, directing his question towards Izzie.

The elevator slowed to a stop and the doors opened.

"I'll see you at lunch, George," she said, ignoring Derek's question but shooting him a final look of disdain as she stepped out into the hall.

"I think she's mad at you." George said unhelpfully as the doors closed and they began to move again.

"But...Meredith?" Derek asked again.

George shrugged.

"I don't know," he said. "She came home really late last night -soaking wet- and went straight upstairs. Izzie went and sat with her for like, an hour, but she couldn't get her to talk." The doors parted once again and George stepped out of the elevator. "Cristina came over, too, but...I don't know," he said, in a voice that entailed that he did know and it wasn't good. "See you, Dr. Shepherd," he called, and headed off down the hall.

* * *

"Sit down, Derek." Richard said, motioning towards the chair across from his desk. "You probably know why I called you in here." 

Derek nodded and closed the door of the Chief's glass-walled office.

"Meredith said she talked to you," he said, sitting down.

"Last night," Richard agreed. He was quiet for a moment. "I guess my only concern is why you didn't come to me about this, Derek."

Derek was quiet for a moment.

"I didn't know," he admitted finally.

"You and Addison are no longer together," Richard said, disbelieving. "I could only assume that you and Meredith might try for a relationship…"

"I didn't know," Derek repeated quietly, avoiding the Chief's gaze.

Richard sat back, contemplating this.

"You really didn't know?" he asked quietly.

Derek shook his head.

"I found out the same way Bailey did," he explained, trying to keep the hurt tone from his voice.

"Derek," Richard said sympathetically, and there was a long silence. "I had no idea…I'm sorry."

Derek shook his head.

"It's fine," he lied. Another long pause. Finally Derek looked up at him. "So, she talked to you?" he asked.

"Oh," Richard cleared his throat, glad for something to say, "Yes. I've been looking over her file," he said holding it up. "Under any other circumstances, my best suggestion would be that Meredith transfer to something with a lighter agenda…nursing, family practice…" he hesitated. "Or she could try and resume her residency once she has the baby... But Derek, Meredith wants this...and I'm willing to pull some strings."

Derek was silent, and Richard continued:

"Unless working together would be problematic? If that's the case, I could put in for a transfer…" he suggested.

"No-" Derek looked up quickly, "That won't be necessary, Richard."

"I was hoping it wouldn't," Richard agreed, "but I'm still going to give her the option. Mercy West has a very good -albeit smaller- program where Meredith could get the experience she needs without the distractions and…the talk," he said frankly. "However, legally, this hospital is required to accommodate the pregnancy as far as resident and on-call scheduling, which also means sitting down with her fellow residents to make sure that the accommodations do not negatively affect their workload."

Derek began to object, but Richard interrupted:

"I know what you're going to say, Derek. Meredith insisted that she remain consistent with her fellow interns; and she's not the type to let others pick up her slack, which is why I know she won't take lightly to less surgeries and more patient rounds...But, in all fairness, the expectant resident is generally encouraged to inform the program head in the first trimester, preferably within the first four weeks…and I didn't find out until last night." Richard explained, pulling a heavy medical licensing handbook across his desk. He flipped to a marked page and continued:

"In accordance with the Association of Women Surgeons and the Family Medical Leave Act, Meredith has the option of modifying her workload to maintain the academic requirements of her program…which basically ensures that educational needs are met while adjusting to her physical capabilities. On the opposite end, as a resident, she has requirements she has to meet -pregnant or not- to retain eligibility to sit her exams. If for whatever reason these aren't met, it could delay her residency up to a year…meaning Meredith would not sit the exams with her fellow interns at the end of four years."

Derek rubbed his eyes, overwhelmed.

"So what did she decide?" he asked, finally.

"I haven't talked to her about it yet." Richard said. "I had no idea that you didn't know about this, Derek." Richard paused. "Of course," he added, "you'll be entitled to paternal leave once the baby is born; and you also have the option of arranging your vacation time around Meredith's due date to extend the alloted leave…"

"Yeah," Derek agreed half-heartedly.

"I'm…sorry you didn't know, Derek," Richard said sympathetically, shuffling his papers into a pile on his desk. He glanced up."My only advice is that you talk to her…try and work it out."

* * *

It was almost noon by the time Derek scrubbed out of his first surgery of the day, and he immediately went to check the OR board for Meredith's name. He had told her that he was finished with their relationship, but he wanted to make sure that she was here…that she was okay. Her name wasn't on the board. Glancing down the hallway, Derek saw Callie come out of OR 2 -still in her surgery scrubs- and he hurried towards her. 

"Dr. Torres," he called out as soon as he got near.

"Dr. Shepherd," she greeted, turning to face him. "Did you need something?"

"Meredith?" he asked, "She's not on the surgery board."

"No," Callie said, signing off on some papers and handing them back to the nurse, "She's not here."

"Why?" Derek frowned.

"Dr. Webber asked her to take the rest of the week off," she answered, and turned to continue down the hall.

"Wait-" Derek said, hurrying to catch up. He lowered his voice. "You know?"

Callie looked up at him, eyebrows raised skeptically.

"I only know what the Chief filled me in on this morning," she said vaguely, and with that, turned and walked away.

Derek watched her go, contemplating this. Callie had been gone no more than a minute when:

"_You-_" a familiar voice accused, and Derek turned quickly.

Cristina stood in front of him.

"What happened?" she demanded. "What did you say to her?" They both knew who Cristina meant.

"Is she okay?" Derek asked quickly.

"No." Cristina said accusingly, "Of course she's not. I get a call from Izzie last night at _two-thirty in the morning, _because Meredith's home, and something's wrong with her, and can I come over?" Cristina ranted. "And I know," she accused in some sort of quiet, angry calm, "I know this had something to do with you."

"Dr. Yang-" Derek began sternly.

"Uh-uh," Cristina said. "You don't get to do this, because I already know that you're 'my superior.' This is what happens when you date a resident, _Dr. Shepherd_, you have to deal with her person."

Derek recoiled slightly; Cristina was blatantly ignoring his attending status over her.

"Write me up," Cristina said indifferently, holding up her hands. "Just _tell me _what you said."

Derek moved out of the way of two interns wheeling a gurney past, and hesitated.

"She's fifteen weeks pregnant Cristina," he consented finally, "Fifteen weeks…and she didn't even tell me."

"Four weeks" Cristina corrected.

"What?" Derek frowned. "What do you mean?"

"_Four weeks._" Cristina repeated, shaking her head. "She's only known for four weeks, Derek."

* * *

_You'll be pleased to know that this chapter was more than double the length of the previous one, and I'm working extra hard to get chapter ten out tonight also…as a thanks for all of your great reviews! This chapter was all ready to be posted earlier today before I accidentally deleted it. I'm not as happy with my re-write but I'm hoping I can make a spectacular comeback in the next chapter! Please let me know what you think; cheers!_


	10. Chapter 10

Suggested listening:

"Back On Your Side"- Chris Isaak

* * *

Derek got out of his truck in front of Meredith's house and glanced up towards her bedroom window; it was dark, there was no light shining from it like the others. He walked around the side of the porch and had just raised his hand to knock on the door when Izzie pulled it open from the other side.

They both hesitated.

"Hi." Derek said finally.

"What do you want?" Izzie demanded.

"Is Meredith here?"

"No."

"Where is she?" he asked.

"Out," she answered, exasperated. Derek glanced down.

"You have her car keys in your hand."

Izzie rolled her eyes.

"So?"

"So can I come in?" he asked.

"Why?"

"To wait for Meredith."

She crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame.

"What did you say to her?" she demanded.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked, dodging the question.

"Who's here...?" A voice drifted out past Izzie from somewhere inside the house.

"Is that George?" Derek asked, leaning to the right, trying to see past Izzie. "George?" Derek called loudly.

"Who is that...?" the voice said, getting louder. "Oh, and you should get chocolate, Izzie… Alex said pregnant women like chocolate…" George appeared at the door beside her. "Oh, it's you," he said.

"Hello, George," Derek smiled.

"_George!_" Izzie said pointedly.

"What?" George asked, oblivious. "Do you have a list? Write 'chocolate' on the list."

"I can remember _chocolate_, George!" Izzie said shortly.

"Sorry," George grumbled, "Alex says pregnant women like chocolate."

"How the hell does Alex know what they like?" Izzie said, crossing her arms and turning to face him.

"Um…_Ava_." George said pointedly.

"Isn't it Rebecca now?" Derek chimed in.

Izzie glared at him.

"What's wrong with Meredith, Izzie?" Derek pressed.

"Nothing_ you_ can fix."

"Maybe not. Is she here?" he asked again.

"No-" Izzie said.

"Yes-" George said at the same time.

"Let me in," Derek demanded.

"No," she shook her head. "Cristina gets off her shift anytime, you know. And then she's coming back here."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Derek asked, bemused.

"That she won't be happy to see you," she smirked.

"I'm an attending." Derek said.

"So," Izzie said. "Right now you're just a guy on our porch."

George looked from Izzie to Derek and back.

"So…chocolate…" he added.

"Shut up, George," Izzie said, frustrated.

"Why do you need chocolate?" Derek asked.

"None," Izzie said rudely, "of your business."

"Why are you getting chocolate, _Izzie_?" he repeated in his best attending voice.

"For Meredith..." George said, finally. "She won't eat...She won't talk, for that matter."

"_George-"_ Izzie glared at him.

"Maybe you should let him in," George continued, glancing at her.

"No." she said resolutely.

"I thought you were going to the store," Derek pointed out.

"I am." Izzie replied, stepping down off the porch. "And don't let him in while I'm gone, George," she said firmly, and then added: "...Seriously."

* * *

"Let me in, George," Derek said as soon as Izzie pulled away in Meredith's car. 

"I can't." George said.

"Please."

George shook his head.

"_O'Malley_." Derek said loudly.

"We're not at the hospital, sir," George pointed out, backing inside and pulling the door closed behind him. Derek waited until he saw -through the glass - that George had walked away, and then unlocked the door.

"Hey!" George said, hurrying back into the entrance. "I locked that-"

"I have a key." Derek held it up.

"Give it to me."

"Meredith gave it to me; it's my key."

"Let him in already, O'Malley," Alex called, taking the stairs two at a time.

"Thank you." Derek said appreciatively.

"Whatever," Alex glanced at him and then turned back to George. "Is Izzie back yet? I'm hungry."

"She just _left._" George said, closing the front door behind Derek.

"Fine, O'Malley, jeez."

The two continued to argue, and after few minutes, Derek edged around them and headed for the stairs. He took them two at a time and slowed when he reached the landing, hesitant. Meredith had said that she loved him, and for a moment, they had been so close to everything he had told her he wanted…but was a baby what it came to for her to be ready? Deep down, he knew why he was here -outside of Meredith's bedroom in the hall- but he couldn't make himself admit it. The sounds of George and Alex's argument drifted up from downstairs, and finally, Derek walked over to her door and gently pushed it open.

It was dark; the only light echoed dimly through her bedroom window from the street outside. Derek pushed the door mostly closed behind him and paused. Now there was a strip of yellow light that spread across the floor from the hall outside, perfectly illuminating Meredith's small frame. She was laying on the bed, facing the window with her back to him, and at first Derek thought she might be asleep. Moving further into the room, he reached the end of the bed and spoke, quietly:

"Meredith?"

She stirred slightly and Derek advanced a few steps, waiting. It seemed like an eternity before she answered.

"Go home, Derek." she said softly.

"Meredith," Derek repeated, moving around to her side of the bed so he could see her.

"_Please-"_ Meredith spoke again. "Go home."

"You can't do this," Derek explained, and his voice felt tight. "You can't do this to yourself."

She closed her eyes, a hand held to her small, round baby bump.

"Derek-" she said finally, and he could see her fighting tears, "...It doesn't matter."

"I'm not done, Meredith," he said quickly, surprising himself with his own words. "I'm not…" he reassured. "I'm not done."

"I should have told you," she said softly, and resent filled her voice.

"It doesn't matter," Derek shook his head. "It doesn't matter, Meredith. Just, please-"

"Derek!" Meredith said loudly, and a sob escaped her throat, "I'm fine. Leave me alone."

"I can't," he shook his head, and, reaching out, laid a hand on her belly. It was the most incredible feeling…and it was all, he realized now, that he had wanted to do since he had placed his hands on her in the rain the night before. Moving over slowly, he laid down and wrapped his arms around her from behind, comforting her. For a moment, they were both quiet, and Derek breathed in the lavender scent of her hair as he held her. The headlights of a passing car traveled across the room, lighting up the window, and downstairs, Alex and George had stopped arguing.

* * *

Derek didn't want to think about what he had said or what he was feeling or what this meant...he only wanted to lay here, with Meredith, and make himself believe that everything would be okay. She lay still in his embrace, and he realized that everything he had wanted was so close…but as he went again to put his hand to her belly, she suddenly stiffened and pulled away. 

"You should go," she said quietly, sitting up and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

Derek frowned and sat up also.

"Meredith-" he began to object, but she shook her head.

"You should go, Derek," she repeated, pulling back and standing up.

"Meredith," he implored wearily, "don't do this..."

"Please, Derek," she bit her lip, and crossed her arms across her chest. "Just go."

"_Why_?" Derek asked angrily, standing up, "Why do you _always_ do this?"

Meredith backed away and shook her head, struggling for an answer.

"I can't..." she said finally.

Derek opened his mouth to object, but paused instead and took a step towards her. She immediately backed away.

He stopped, staring at her with hurt in his eyes.

"Don't do this-" he pleaded.

She glanced away, and briefly closed her eyes. Derek waited. Finally, she turned back to look at him…and shook her head. It was such a small gesture that Derek almost didn't see it through the shadows.

From downstairs, the front door closed loudly as someone came in…Cristina, or maybe Izzie. They both looked towards the bedroom door...Meredith glanced at Derek and then down at the rug. But Derek… he couldn't pull his eyes away from the door…and he couldn't look at Meredith.

"...I'll go," he said finally.

* * *

_Hi everyone, this was a chapter that I felt necessary as a transition for my story. Thanks for all of the reviews. Next chapter up tomorrow…if I get some feedback on this one! _ :) 


	11. Chapter 11

Suggested listening:

"Not Falling Apart"- Maroon 5

* * *

Derek didn't see or hear from Meredith again until Monday morning at the hospital. He had just pulled into the parking lot when he saw her getting out of her car, and quickly sped into his spot and got out to catch up with her. He had spent the weekend thinking about that night at her house…and on Saturday when he had been called in to operate on a emergent sub-dural hemotoma, Cristina had assured him that Meredith was doing better and would be back on Monday. Derek hadn't expected Cristina to want anything to do with him -being so completely on Meredith's side- but she had answered the question in his eyes without hesitation as they prepared to scrub in…out of pity, maybe. 

"Meredith-" he called out, jogging to catch up with her.

She slowed to wait for him, and then turned and continued towards the hospital as he fell into step beside her.

"You're back," he said.

Meredith nodded.

"Are you okay?" he ventured.

"I'm fine," she replied shortly, adjusting the bag on her shoulder.

"Wait," he said, reaching out to stop her as they reached the hospital doors. "What about…us?"

She looked up at him for a moment, and then glanced away and smiled as someone called out to her; it was Izzie.

"I don't know, Derek," she answered as Izzie approached them.

"Meredith-" he began.

"Hey," Izzie greeted, walking up next to Meredith. "You coming?" she asked, completely ignoring Derek.

Meredith glanced at Derek.

"Yeah," she hesitated, "In a minute…"

"Meredith," Izzie said unwavering, "we have rounds in ten minutes, and you've still got to go talk to the Chief..."

"…Okay," Meredith looked at Derek and shrugged her shoulders apologetically, turning to follow after Izzie.

"Come on," Izzie said, and once Meredith had sufficiently fallen into step next to her...glanced smugly back at Derek, who stood by himself outside the doors of Seattle Grace, at a metaphorical crossroads.

* * *

It was still several hours before Derek's first surgery of the day, and he had searched the entire residential floor -including the lounge- for Dr. Torres, and still could not find her. She was Chief Resident, so why wasn't she around, managing things like Bailey had always done? Frustrated, he rode the elevator upstairs to check the OR board for her name, and was surprised to see a small crowd gathered around it. Mark, Dr. Hahn, and Dr. Bailey were all vying for the marker, arguing over surgical residents, and two scrub nurses stood by, apprehensively waiting for their turn at the board. 

"What's going on here?" Derek asked as he approached, and received a barrage of responses all at once:

"I don't want Yang-" Dr. Hahn demanded.

"I was assigned Stevens," Mark observed.

"Fighting over surgical residents-" Dr. Bailey explained.

Derek paused, considering this, and it was just long enough for the bickering to resume:

"You can have Yang," Erica offered Mark, "She won't be scrubbing in on cardio today…"

"No," Mark protested, "You take Grey, let me keep Stevens."

"Absolutely not," Dr. Hahn retorted, "Grey's just come back from some kind of…thing. I don't need distractions today."

"Actually, I was hoping to get Dr. Grey," Derek chimed in.

"Well then, who do I get?" Mark demanded.

"Hah!" Dr. Hahn exclaimed triumphantly, erasing Cristina's name from the cardio surgery slot and marking in Izzie. "Stevens is mine!"

"Hold up _people_!" Miranda demanded. "What is this, some kind of resident buffet? Since when do you get a pick? They are here to _learn_...this is why we have a schedule!"

Silence. The two scrub nurses glanced at each other and hurried off.

"Well then where is it?" Mark asked finally.

"What?" Dr. Bailey asked, annoyed.

"The schedule," Derek provided. "Or Dr. Torres, for that matter?"

"She's in OR 1," Erica explained, motioning towards the board. "…Orthopedic surgery."

"Well then how am I going to work when I don't even know who my resident is going to be today?" Mark demanded.

Everyone stared at him, no one spoke. And then:

"Are you people _serious_?" Dr. Bailey demanded. "You all have doctorates…almost forty years of combined medical education, and you can't work this out because the Chief Resident is currently in surgery? You're _surgeons_. Get it together!"

"Well then," Mark asked slowly, "what do we do?"

"Right. I'm taking Stevens." Dr. Hahn concluded, hurriedly writing Izzie's name into the rest of her surgery slots and capping the marker.

"_Wait_," Miranda demanded, holding up her hands. "The marker, Dr. Hahn," she demanded.

Erica begrudgingly passed her the marker and Dr. Bailey stood on her toes to erase, mark, and remark everyone's name on the board.

"There," she declared, satisfied. "Shepherd, you've got Grey; Sloan, you'll take Yang _and _Karev; and Dr. Hahn, you take Stevens."

"Excellent," Dr. Hahn agreed, and, smiling, sauntered off.

"Fine," Mark grumbled, rolling his eyes at Derek and heading off in the opposite direction.

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey," Derek said happily, and turned to follow Mark.

"Not so fast, Derek," Miranda objected, and he paused, and then turned around slowly.

"Dr. Bailey?" he questioned.

"Are you okay?" she asked, referring to his situation with Meredith.

"I'm fine," he reassured.

"I don't want you using this to your advantage, Dr. Shepherd," she replied. "Meredith is there to assist you in surgery…_do not _turn it into something personal."

Derek looked at her quizzically.

"You do realize that I'm-"

"-my boss," Miranda finished for him, waving it off. "Yeah, yeah. I know."

* * *

Derek stood and watched Meredith from a distance, and wondered why he hadn't noticed it before…the slight curve of her belly beneath her scrubs. But only when she moved a certain way; when his gaze caught her at just the right angle…Meredith had issues, but had she been right all along when she had accused him of needing her? Needing to constantly pull her back from the edge? To save her? Derek had been haunted by that accusation -made so many months ago by Meredith the day of the ferry boat accident- ever since last Thursday night in her bedroom, when his resolve had so completely melted away. Was it because Meredith had been so close to falling apart in her dark bedroom that night? Everything he had felt up until that moment had been forgotten the moment he saw that she needed him… 

He watched as she briefed her group of interns, talking animatedly with her hands, and then pulled a stack of files towards her as the interns all took off in different directions. She was standing, and leaned over the counter as she wrote. Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, she absently brought a hand down to her belly to rest there for a moment, and Derek smiled. Maybe it was because he knew now that Meredith hadn't been keeping her pregnancy from him for quiet so long as he originally thought; or because he hadn't been with her -for breakup sex or otherwise- for weeks before even that.

Something made Meredith glance up from her paperwork and her eyes fell on Derek, who could do nothing but stand there and wait as she laid her pen down and came towards him.

"Requesting me for your surgeries?" she asked when she got near enough. "Seriously?"

"What makes you think I requested you?" Derek asked.

"Sloan told me," Meredith replied simply, crossing her arms. "And stop doing that."

"What?" Derek asked, glancing up at her.

"That-" Meredith said pointedly. "That staring thing. Quit staring at my stomach."

"I'm not."

"You _are_, and it's weird," she insisted.

"So what…you're all better now?" Derek accused, suddenly annoyed.

Meredith frowned, and Derek continued,

"I said I didn't want to be with you because you kept your pregnancy from me, but then I show up at your house because you're emotionally unstable…and now you're fine."

"I'm not 'emotionally unstable'," Meredith defended.

"You are," Derek insisted, "but now that I've told you I'm not done you're okay…as long as it's me that needs you and not the other way around."

"That's not true," she shook her head.

Derek gave her an apprehensive look.

"It's not," she insisted. "And besides, you're done; you just don't realize it yet."

"Why do you _want _me to be done?" Derek asked in disbelief.

"I don't," Meredith explained, "But I told you -outside the elevator that night- that I needed more time…and you've been done ever since."

"All I'm guilty of is asking for more than a physical relationship with you, Meredith!" Derek said angrily, "But that's obviously all you want, and I'm done with _that_."

"I'm the one who called off the breakup sex-" Meredith interjected, then glanced down the hall, "You were done, Derek. You as much as told me that outside the hospital the other night-"

"Because I realized how much you had been keeping from me!" Derek interrupted.

"-you were done," Meredith continued resolutely. "But then you come to my house and feel the need to be my 'Knight in Shining…whatever', and suddenly, you're not done? This is becoming a pattern Derek…you stayed with Addison-"

"I was married!" Derek said, exasperated.

"-but the minute I try to have a relationship, you're back. And then after Finn, I'm back with you, but you're mad about the ferry accident-"

"_Mad_? I was scared out of my mind because you let yourself drown!"

"-and then when you finally let that go, you _don't_ want to be with me because you want to be Chief, and then you do again, and then you _don't_…"

Derek shook his head.

"I do, Meredith."

Meredith glanced down the hall again...something was off. And then she realized that they had an audience; everyone down the hall had gone very still and quiet, listening to them argue about breakup sex and the many facets of their twisted, messed up relationship. Derek noticed this now too, and they both grew quiet.

Meredith bit her lip and backed away.

"I'll...see you, Dr. Shepherd," she said, embarrassed, and turned and hurried off down the hall.

* * *

Derek was waiting for Meredith in the scrub room before his surgery. She pushed open the door and hesitated briefly when she saw him standing there. 

"Meredith-" he started as she walked to the sink.

She shook her head.

"Meredith-" he said, insistent.

"If you're going to request me for your surgeries, Derek," she looked sideways at him and scrubbed her hands above the sink, "…you can't harass me."

Derek smiled.

"Did you talk to the Chief?" he asked.

"This morning," she nodded. "He told me he talked to you…"

"Yeah," Derek agreed. "So what happened?"

"I'm going to continue with my residency," she explained resolutely.

"Can you do that?" he asked.

Meredith looked up at him.

"Richard said he talked to you about my options…"

"He did," Derek agreed, "But can you _physically _do that? I-"

"Derek, you don't have to worry about it," she explained, and, holding up her wet hands, backed through the swinging doors into the OR.

* * *

"Alright, this is the final step," Derek was saying. "Keep an eye on the monitor," he instructed. He glanced at Meredith, who stood across the operating table from him, next to George and another intern. 

"Suction, Dr. Grey," he said, and Meredith maneuvered the instrument around the opening in the cranial lobe.

"Good," he said slowly, "We're going to try and redirect the blood flow around this area to avoid hemorrhage…Dr. O'Malley? How should we proceed?"

"The blood vessel has weakened," George answered, "A stent needs to be placed inside the vessel to give support and hold it open."

"Good," Derek nodded, and then looked at Meredith. "Dr. Grey?"

"You need to close off the base," she answered. "The clamp will restrict the blood flow while the stent is inserted, which allows us to reroute the direction so that it bypasses the weakened artery, successfully preventing a saccular aneurysm."

Derek nodded and lowered the tiny tube towards the blood vessel.

"Dr. O'Malley, please clamp the base."

George nodded, and Meredith reached up and swung the light closer to the patient.

"Well done, O'Malley," Derek said appreciatively and after a moment, began to insert the stent. "The blood vessel constricts without blood flow," he explained to the room, "I'm going to slip the tube into the weakened area and then we're going to release the clamp."

"BP rising-" a nurse announced.

"No, push another diuretic," Derek said quickly, "or this vessel is going to rupture. Suction, Grey."

Meredith looked up at Derek and then hurriedly suctioned around the clamp.

"I need another clamp here," Derek demanded, and took the one George passed to him, applying it above the first one.

"Still rising-" the nurse called.

"Give him a vasodilator; the strongest available," he instructed. "Good," he said as the heart monitor gradually became regular again. Everyone in the room watched the monitor.

"BP stable," the nurse announced finally.

"Alright, O'Malley, let's release the clamps…slowly," Derek guided. "Good…"

George removed first one clamp, and then the second, larger one; after a moment, everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's it," Derek said, pleased; but his relief did not last long.

* * *

"BP rising!" George said, glancing at the monitor as it began to emit a shrill alarm. 

"It's too high-" Meredith began, and then the blood vessel bubbled and ruptured, spilling blood out onto the rest of the cranial opening.

"Suction!" Derek ordered, and Meredith quickly did as he said. "I can't see to clamp…" he said intensely, and Meredith glanced at the monitor as the patient flat-lined, and the alarm became one long, shrill tone.

"Suction!" Derek said again, and Meredith hesitated before lowering her tool back towards the vessel, glancing sideways at George and the surgical nurses.

"Dr. Shepherd-" George began slowly.

"_No_," Derek looked up, "I'm not finished..."

One of the nurses moved over and shut the monitor off. The room was silent, except for the continued sound of Meredith suctioning the blood away. The nurses and George and Meredith all looked around at each other and finally, Derek pulled away slowly...and looked up at Meredith.

"I'm not finished," he repeated intensely, pulling off his surgical glasses. And this time, Meredith knew what he meant.

* * *

"Wait, Derek...wait-" Meredith followed him out of the OR and through the scrub room, calling after him. He stopped, and she hurried to catch up. Her surgical gown was still draped over her scrubs, and she pulled her mask off her face and down around her neck. 

"Are you okay?" she asked him after a moment, slightly out of breath. "...Derek?"

"I'm not finished, Meredith," he said slowly, and his eyes met hers.

She hesitated.

"I know," she said finally.

"I love you, and I'm not finished."

"I know," Meredith said again.

"…Are you?" Derek asked after a moment.

"No," Meredith said almost immediately. "No, Derek...I'm not."

And Derek smiled.

* * *

_So, chapter eleven out today as promised! For those of you who thought it seemed a little easy for Derek to change his mind about Meredith and their situation in the last chapter…I did too, and that's why I hope I did a sufficient job in explaining Derek's thought process about that in this chapter. As you know I always appreciate feedback… hope you enjoy! _


	12. Chapter 12

Suggested listening:

"Fools In Love"- Inara George

* * *

Meredith was happy. For the first time since finding out that she was pregnant, she could truly let it sink in; she was having a baby. She was having a baby, with Derek. No, it wasn't an optimum time, but she had Derek…she could do this because she had him. An intense feeling of relief had carried her throughout the rest of the day. Derek truly wasn't finished, and she wasn't either…and really, she had known that all along. 

And yet something made her uneasy. Surely she couldn't honestly believe it was all too perfect? After everything she and Derek had been through until this point…every aspect of their relationship had been a struggle, occasionally punctuated by those brief times when they had actually believed that they would make it. But they had made it; this was supposed to be the happily ever after, right? It just seemed wrong, somehow, that having a baby was what would suddenly save their relationship.

* * *

Meredith sighed and shifted uncomfortably, glancing at Derek, who lay next to her. After her shift that evening, Derek had found her and asked her to come back to his trailer…in which had followed the most intense 'back-together' sex they had ever had. It had all seemed so easy -a simple solution- that morning outside of the scrub room when Meredith had admitted to Derek that she wasn't finished either. It had even been cute, afterwards, as they lay together…when Derek had asked her a million questions about the baby and their plans. But now it just seemed overwhelming. Could Meredith even be a good mother? Would she be able to balance a pregnancy and her residency? She moved around again, trying to get comfortable. Derek had one hand splayed protectively across her baby bump and she put her hands on top of his and sighed, staring up at the ceiling. Derek opened his eyes. 

"You okay?" he asked quietly. Meredith squeezed his hand gently.

"I'm fine," she answered, not really sure if that was true. After a few minutes, she turned onto her side and felt Derek's hand slide away from her as he propped himself up on his elbow. Her back was to him, but she could feel his eyes on her and after a moment, he spoke:

"Meredith?"

"Yeah," she answered quietly, staring at the wall of the trailer.

"Is everything alright?"

She turned back to face him.

"I'm fine," she said for the second time that night.

Derek's eyes searched hers, concerned, until finally Meredith had to look away. Pulling back, she sat up and got out of bed, edging through the tiny bedroom,

"Meredith?" Derek sat up and watched her.

"I just need some water."

"You know," he said after a moment, sitting back and crossing his arms behind his head, "We've still got to think of names."

Meredith set her glass down and walked back across the trailer.

"We've got plenty of time," she rationalized, allowing Derek to pull her down beside him. "We don't even know the sex yet-"

He leaned into her and ran his fingers through her hair, his other hand snaking back down to rest on her belly. Meredith let him kiss her as she slid further down into the bed, barely noticing the phone when it began to ring.

"I love you," Derek whispered intensely, and Meredith pulled away for air.

"The phone."

"Let the machine get it." He leaned down to kiss her again.

"It could be the hospital."

"They can page me. Let the machine get it," he repeated and brought his lips to Meredith's in another pressing kiss before she could protest.

Derek's answering machine clicked on as it picked up the call, but neither he nor Meredith noticed. After a moment, it beeped shrilly and there was a brief pause. And then:

"Derek, it's Lexie…It's Monday night, we were supposed to meet, remember…?"

Meredith pulled back from Derek and stared across the room at the machine.

"…I don't know if you got called back to the hospital? Give me a call. Bye."

* * *

Silence. Both of them stared across the room at the answering machine. Finally, Meredith turned back to look at Derek, confused, a hurt look in her eyes. 

"Derek?"

"Meredith," he said quickly, "It's not what you think."

"...Then what?"

"We've just…we've just been talking-"

Meredith shook her head and sat up.

"Meredith, wait-" he tried to put his hands to her belly again, but she pulled back, annoyed. Derek hesitated. "We just talk," he repeated.

"Why," Meredith asked, "Why do you need to talk to her?"

"Because _we_ weren't talking-"

"We are. We are talking."

"But we _weren't. _After we stopped having break up sex…you didn't talk to me for almost a month."

"I was busy," Meredith said defensively, untangling herself from the sheets and standing up.

"Obviously-" Derek motioned to her pregnant baby bump.

"I was trying to figure things out-"

"I know that," Derek interrupted. "I understand that."

"But why _her_?"

"I don't know!" Derek said defensively, "I don't have a _reason_. She was just there…And she wanted to know you, and I wanted to get through to you, and she scrubbed in on my surgeries…"

"Dr. Bailey scrubs in on your surgeries," Meredith cut across, "Izzie scrubs in on your surgeries… The Chief, George, Cristina…they all scrub in on your surgeries! And you don't meet them on Monday nights-" she broke off, suddenly upset.

"Meredith," Derek said, standing up and trying to comfort her, "You're making this a big deal, and it's not, okay?" He kissed her forehead. "I love _you_. I'm having a baby with _you_."

Meredith wiped her eyes.

"Okay?" Derek repeated.

"Okay," she said half-heartedly. "…Fine."

"Okay," Derek said slowly, nodding. He wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her again, but Meredith looked away.

"Meredith?"

"I don't feel so well," she said, pulling away from him. She started to gather up her things.

"Meredith-" Derek repeated.

"I'm just going to go home," she said shortly, avoiding his gaze.

"What's wrong?"

She stopped and turned to face him.

"I just don't feel good," she said, frustrated, putting a hand to her stomach, "Okay?"

"It's late-"

"It's fine, Derek."

"Meredith, come on. At least let me drive you-"

"No-" Meredith interjected. "_No_, okay? It's fine. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"Meredith!" Derek said as she picked up her keys and headed towards the door. "…You're still upset," he said accusingly.

"Derek, I'm really not," Meredith lied. "I'm just going to go home." She pulled open the trailer door. "Besides, you have a phone call to return."

* * *

_Well! It's been almost a week since I've updated and it's been driving me crazy! I've known forever how I want the next couple of chapters to go but this week has just been insanely busy…I should have the next chapter up this weekend…if I get some feedback! _ :) 


	13. Chapter 13

Suggested listening:

"Falling Or Flying"- Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

* * *

Derek was waiting for Meredith outside of the resident's lounge when she got up to the third floor the next morning.

"Meredith-" he began as soon as she got within earshot.

"Morning Derek," she said casually, pulling her bag off over her shoulder and pushing open the door to the lounge. "Did you need something?"

"I called you last night," he pointed out, following her inside, "to make sure you got home okay."

"I did," Meredith replied, setting down her bag and pulling her sweater off over her head.

"You should have called me back."

"I'm sorry, Derek." Meredith pulled a scrub top out of her locker and put it on, then glanced at herself in the mirror. The small swell of her stomach was barely noticeable beneath the loose fitting material.

"…Are you feeling okay?" Derek asked after a moment, taken aback by her indifferent attitude.

"Better," Meredith nodded. She pulled on her pants and then bent over to tie the laces of her shoes. "I've got a surgery," she explained a few seconds later, shutting her locker and heading for the door.

"Meredith-" Derek was cut short as George and Izzie pushed through the door.

"Hey Mer, Dr. Shepherd," George greeted, and Izzie gave a half-hearted, tired wave.

"She was on call all night," George explained for Izzie, who sat down on the bench and leaned her head against the lockers, closing her eyes.

"-And it sucked," Izzie grumbled, yawning. "But guess what I found out?"

"Don't-" George interrupted, and Izzie sat up and smiled.

"Why not? They're going to find out anyways."

"What is it, Izzie?" Meredith asked, pulling her hair into a ponytail and avoiding Derek's stare.

"Callie's not Chief Resident anymore," Izzie said finally, "it's Bailey."

"Bailey's Chief Resident?" Derek contemplated, "What happened?"

"We don't know," George offered.

"But," Izzie added, standing up and pulling open her locker, "I saw the Chief putting up the notices this morning."

* * *

Meredith had managed to avoid any further talk with Derek after George and Izzie had joined them in the lounge that morning by hurrying off and spending the next four and a half hours in surgery. By noon, the news had spread; Dr. Bailey was the new Chief Resident, but Meredith hadn't seen Callie yet, and she spent the better half of her lunch break sorting through labs in the supply closet on the third floor. Halfway through, Cristina had joined her, chewing an apple. 

'I though I'd find you in here," Cristina said, taking a seat against the row of shelves across form Meredith. "How's the fetus?"

"Better," Meredith smiled, "Who told you?"

"George. He said you came home late last night and didn't feel well, but he didn't say why." Cristina raised her eyebrows pointedly.

"It's Derek," Meredith consented with a sigh, "He's been meeting up with Lexie to 'talk'."

"Like, talk-talk?" Cristina asked, "…Or _talk_?"

"He says just talk."

"Talk?" Cristina repeated.

"Yes," Meredith agreed. "Just to talk. She called and said it was Monday night, and they were supposed to meet. Like it's a thing," she added in distaste. "A Monday-night thing."

"A Monday-night thing." Cristina clarified. "With _Lexie._ That _bastard. _He's a McBastard, Meredith."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed distantly. "…I need him, though."

"No," Cristina said quickly around her bite of apple. "No you don't, Meredith, that's just his overly-moosed hair luring you in."

Meredith laughed, and then shrugged.

"He said it was because we hadn't been talking."

"But_ Lexie_? He's a brain surgeon, Mer; he can't be that clueless."

"You're right," she agreed with a small nod of her head. "You're right."

"Why are you in here, anyways?" Cristina asked.

"Avoiding Derek," Meredith answered, and then added: "Avoiding everyone."

"Everyone?"

"People are starting to talk, and I think they know," she explained, putting a hand to her stomach. "I just…I don't want to be the resident who slept with an attending and got pregnant."

"You are." Cristina pointed out bluntly, and Meredith had to smile. "You can't hide it forever, you know."

"Yeah," she nodded.

"And you're not the resident who got pregnant. You're the resident who got pregnant and decided to continue with her residency," Cristina rationalized. "So let them talk…If it's the nurses, they're probably just jealous, and if it's the interns, tell me who and I'll put them on scut."

Meredith laughed because she knew Cristina was being completely serious.

"Why are _you _doing these, anyways?" Cristina asked, picking up a stack of lab reports. "You've got interns for this."

Meredith shrugged.

"I needed to think, and they needed to be done, so…"

"...You can't find them, can you?" Cristina asked slyly, grinning.

"Who?" Meredith asked innocently.

"Your _interns_."

Meredith opened her mouth to object but then paused.

"No," she said truthfully.

Cristina looked amused.

"I swear they're worse than we were," Meredith defended sheepishly. "We weren't like this, right?"

"No way," Cristina said. "We were great interns."

"Yeah," Meredith nodded resolutely.

"So you know what I could do…" Cristina said after a few minutes, and Meredith looked up. "I could switch Lexie's on call night from Thursday to Monday," she grinned and raised her eyebrows suggestively, then continued in a sing-song voice: "No more Monday nights with Derek…"

Meredith smiled, but shook her head.

"You don't need to. I have a feeling they're going to stay busy enough with Bailey as new Chief Resident-"

"Bailey's_ Chief Resident_?" Cristina cut across loudly, dropping her apple.

"You didn't hear?" Meredith asked, looking up from the labs, amused.

"What about Callie?"

Meredith shrugged.

"I haven't seen her. Didn't you notice that she wasn't at rounds this morning?"

"Bailey wasn't either," Cristina pointed out. "If she was new Chief Resident she would've been there."

"She was in emergency surgery this morning; Mr. Davidson went into cardiac arrest-"

"This is great!" Cristina interrupted, standing up excitedly. "If Bailey's Chief Resident, she'll put me back on cardio! What's Hahn gonna say then? Yes!" She did a little dance and Meredith watched, entertained.

"I've got to go find Bailey!" Cristina exclaimed hurriedly. She rushed to the door and pulled it open, then paused and turned back to face her friend. "Are you okay?" she checked.

Meredith nodded.

"And the McFetus?" Cristina clarified, "You're both okay?"

Meredith rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Everything's fine," she answered, waving her arm towards the door. "Go ahead."

"Great, I'll see you later!"

* * *

Derek caught up with Meredith after lunch. 

"Can you come over tonight?" he asked as she pulled files at the second floor nurses' station.

Meredith hesitated.

"I've got a late shift tonight…I'll probably just go home."

"I could come to your house," Derek suggested.

"You get off earlier," Meredith supplied. "You should just go home, I don't want you to have to wait on me."

There was a pause; neither said anything.

"…You're still upset," Derek accused shortly, crossing his arms.

"I'm not upset, Derek," Meredith shook her head, "Just busy."

"You're not just busy. You're avoiding me," he said, running a hand across his jaw.

"I'm not avoiding you-"

"You are, Meredith!" Derek exclaimed angrily. "This is my baby, too-"

"I never said it _wasn't-_"

"You're acting like it. You might as well have."

"I came over to your trailer last night-" Meredith defended.

"-and then left." Derek interrupted.

"I didn't _feel_ well, Derek!" she said shrilly, upset. "Cut me some slack, _please_."

"Then you have to be honest with me," Derek demanded.

"Honest?" she repeated incredulously, "Honest like meeting my half sister for Monday-night 'talks'?"

"I already told you-" Derek began.

"And I told you that I'm not avoiding you!" Meredith interrupted. "I'm at work…" she sat down weakly in the chair behind the counter and shook her head. "You have to let me work, Derek."

* * *

_Thanks for all of the great reviews so far! I've already got the next chapter all ready…to be posted pending feedback! _


	14. Chapter 14

Suggested listening:

"Turpentine"- Brandi Carlile

* * *

Three and a half weeks had passed since the night in Derek's trailer when Lexie had called, and Meredith was a week into her fifth month of pregnancy. Her belly -which seemed to grow more with each day- looked surprisingly big on her small frame, and this worried Derek, who was constantly concerned about her working too hard. They had barely spent anytime together since that day at the nurses' station on the second floor… Meredith said she was fine and sometimes she acted like it; but there were also days when she would pull away from Derek's touch, or bypass him quickly in the hall, and those were the days that Derek hated.

He was careful to avoid talking to Lexie anywhere but at work, and only then about patients and surgeries. Meredith was barely spending anytime with him as it was, and he didn't want to give her another reason to distance herself any further. He rolled over in bed and stared at the alarm clock, wishing, for once, that he didn't have to get up soon and go to work. Next to him, Meredith stirred, and Derek leaned over and adjusted the sheets, pulling them up further around her shoulders. This had been one of the rare nights that Meredith had agreed to him coming over; although Derek thought it was mostly because she had been too tired to argue. It seemed the further she progressed into her pregnancy, the more it took away from her. The morning sickness had mostly subsided, but instead of being able to enjoy her second trimester, Meredith only seemed to grow more pale and tried. It worried Derek every time he saw her pause to lean against the wall or reach out and take hold of a nearby gurney to steady herself; bothered him that she refused to let him help her when she swayed slightly or he caught her sitting down, exhausted.

The alarm began to ring and Derek reached over across Meredith to turn it off. She was awake, and glanced at him, and they both lay there for a moment.

"Morning," Derek propped himself up on his elbow to look at her, and she pushed the sheets down over the rise of her belly and half-smiled.

"You look tired," she said quietly, reaching out and brushing his cheek with the back of her hand.

"Your hand is freezing," he reached over and pulled the sheets back up. "Aren't you cold?"

"I'm hot-" she pushed the sheets back down around her legs and looked up at him. Derek leaned over and kissed her cheek, and then frowned.

"You're burning up," he sat up and put a hand to her forehead. "Meredith, you're really hot-"

"I told you, it's hot in here," she said, pulling the sheets the rest of the way off and sitting up. She looked over at the clock. "We're supposed to be at the hospital in an hour-" she pointed out, standing up and digging through a drawer for something to wear.

"Meredith-" Derek stood up and came over to her, "You're sick. Let me call Richard….I'll tell him that you're going to stay home today-"

"I'm fine, Derek," Meredith insisted lightly. She began to sift through one of the shopping bags on the floor and pulled out one of the maternity tops they had bought together a couple of weeks ago. That had been a good Saturday; neither of them had been scheduled to work and they had spent the whole day together, shopping and talking and eating dinner out. Derek followed Meredith across the room.

"You're sick," he said again. "You should be in bed-" Meredith turned around to face him and Derek stopped short, bumping into her. He laid his hands on her belly. "…You should rest."

Meredith looked annoyed and Derek tensed, expecting a fight.

"I really can't, Derek," Meredith shook her head and pulled away from him. "I'm already down for two surgeries this morning…this is the first cardio I'll be scrubbing in on since that day with Dr. Hahn…" she explained, "I need to be there. Besides, I already had to schedule off tomorrow afternoon for the doctor's appointment." Meredith's second appointment with her OB/GYN at Mercy West was the next day; the first since Derek had found out about the baby.

"Meredith-"

"Derek, I feel fine," she said again. "And I need to get in the shower; we're going to be late."

* * *

Derek did not see or hear from Meredith all day. Several times he had gone to check the OR board, and each time there had been a new surgery marked in; and each time, Meredith's name accompanied the attending's name as the resident who would be scrubbing in. 

"She's hit a chain," Cristina had walked up beside him the last time Derek had gone to check the surgery board, shaking her head. "I'm so jealous."

"What's a chain?" Derek asked, frowning.

"Seriously?" Cristina turned to him. "A chain. You know, the attending has to go from one surgery to the next and they just pick you again instead of bringing in a fresh rotation…" she said longingly, and sighed. "…A chain."

"There is no such thing," Derek said skeptically. "I'm an attending and I've never done that."

Cristina turned to him in disbelief.

"George scrubbed in on four consecutive neuro-surgeries with you last Thursday," she pointed out. "And Izzie went from a cardio valve replacement with Dr. Hahn straight into OR2 to help with your emergent sub-dural hematoma craniotomy, then scrubbed in back to back to help you with the tumor that was pressing on Mr. Couric's optic nerve on Friday," Cristina rambled, counting them off on her fingers. "Attending's do it all the time. The resident is already assisting you, so naturally, you ask them to follow you into the next surgery…and then you're already available when the orthopedic attending needs a resident, or there's an emergency surgery in cardio…" she died off, shaking her head. "A chain."

Derek crossed his arms and looked at her.

"You've put a lot of thought into this," he said finally, trying to hide his amusement.

"I love chains," Cristina rationalized, and then added, pointing a finger at him in true Cristina fashion: "You will not mock my love of chains!"

"Just an observation," Derek had said with a small smile, turning back to face the board.

* * *

Derek went to find Meredith at the end of her shift that evening, checking the OR board a final time to make sure her last surgery had ended on schedule. He found her asleep in the dark on-call room on the third floor, and closed the door behind him quietly, sitting down at the edge of the bed. She was on her side, her back to the room and a hand draped across her stomach. The slow, rhythmic sounds of her breathing filled the room, and Derek reached a hand out to feel her cheek; she was warm, but not hot like this morning. 

"Meredith?" Derek whispered, and she stirred, turned over to smile up at him.

"I have literally been in surgery all day," she croaked sleepily.

"A chain," Derek nodded, and she grinned.

"You talked to Cristina?" she asked.

"She was jealous," he confirmed, and Meredith laughed.

"Are you leaving?" she asked, sitting up. His hand rested on her lap and she intertwined her fingers with his.

"Yeah," Derek frowned, "Are you ready to go?"

"I can't," Meredith said.

"We drove here together."

"I know, but I'm on call tonight."

"What? Since when?"

"Since Izzie asked if I could cover her shift," Meredith explained carefully.

"Cristina couldn't take it? Or George?"

"Derek-"

"Or Alex?" Derek interrupted, frustrated. "Why you?"

Meredith's eyes traveled over his face.

"Are you mad?" she asked after a moment.

"I don't understand why you picked up a shift," he said. 'We have your doctor's appointment tomorrow-"

"I know you have tomorrow off," Meredith rationalized, "We'll just have to meet, instead."

"You're working tomorrow, too?" Derek asked incredulously, upset.

"I told you I only took a half day off, Derek."

"You worked over twelve hours today. You're on call tonight, and now you're going to work tomorrow, also?" He shook his head in disbelief.

"Just until the appointment-"

"Meredith, this is ridiculous. You're overworking yourself. You need to think about the baby-" he accused.

Meredith tensed and pulled away from him.

"I need these training hours, Derek," she defended. "I'm trying to complete my residency-"

"By coming to work sick?" he demanded. "By scrubbing in on every available surgery without considering your limitations?"

"I have to have these practical hours!" she repeated stubbornly. Her pager began to beep shrilly and she picked it up from the table beside the bed. Both of them were quiet.

"I've got to answer this," she said finally, looking up at Derek. She stood up and straightened her scrubs, clipping her pager onto her waistband.

"My keys are in my locker. Alex can drive my car to work tomorrow. That way I'll have it up here and I can meet you for the appointment."

"Why can't I just pick you up?" Derek rationalized, "We can drive to Mercy West together."

Meredith paused, her hand on the door handle.

"I think we should just meet," she said quietly, refusing to look up at him. Pulling open the door, she stepped into the hall and was gone, leaving Derek alone in the shadowy on-call room.

* * *

_Thank you all for the awesome feedback! I'm very happy about getting three chapters out in the last four days…to make up for not reposting for almost a week! I'm anticipating a lot of writing time this week…Please keep reviewing!_


	15. Chapter 15

Suggested listening:

"Universe & U (Acoustic Extravaganza Version)"- KT Tunstall

* * *

"Alright people," Dr. Bailey announced the next morning, breezing into the resident's lounge and shutting the door behind her, "Dr. Shepherd is out today and Meredith leaves at one, but we've got a relatively easy board-" she paused, laying her files down on the table.

"Where are Grey and Karev?" she demanded.

"In surgery," Cristina grumbled, her head in her hands. "_-again_."

Bailey frowned.

"There were no surgeries scheduled for this morning," she said, flipping through the schedule.

"Meredith was on call last night," Izzie explained, "and Alex got here early-"

"-grubbing for surgeries," Cristina complained, cutting Izzie off. Bailey turned to glare at her.

"That's nothing _you _haven't done before, Yang," she accused, "But that still doesn't answer my question. There were no surgeries scheduled for this morning-"

"They found a donor match for Stephanie Stiller," Izzie said quickly.

Dr. Bailey shook her head, rifling through her paperwork.

"I was told a time of death was called for Stephanie Stiller-" she pulled a patient file from the stack, and looked up at Izzie, "-at five-fifteen this morning."

"It was," Cristina interjected, exasperated. "She was asystolic. She had a fine ventricular fibrillation…her heart responded to defibrillation and they rushed her in for the transplant; cleared by UNOS and everything. She wasn't dead, and now Alex and Meredith are in there on _my _surgery."

"Just because it's cardio does not mean it's yours, Cristina," Bailey pointed out.

"But you talked to Hahn," Cristina objected, "She was supposed to let me back on cardio-"

"Excuse me?" Bailey demanded. "I did talk to Dr. Hahn, and how many cardio surgeries have you scrubbed in on in the month since I've been Chief Resident?"

"Five," Cristina admitted sullenly.

"And just how many did you participate in before?"

Cristina was silent.

"I thought so." Bailey nodded, satisfied, and continued, "Dr. Grey and Dr. Karev were here before you, so they scrub in...Let it go, Cristina."

* * *

Meredith had just finished checking up on her interns after the heart transplant with Alex and Dr. Hahn. She knew she needed to find Dr. Bailey since she had been in surgery during assignments this morning, but she was exhausted from working all night on very little rest. It bothered her how quickly her body seemed to betray her; she still had four months of pregnancy to endure and already she felt like she was losing momentum. Why wasn't this turning out as simple as she had promised Richard it would be? 

She had almost reached the on call room when someone called her name. She stopped and regretfully turned around…it was Bailey.

"How was the surgery?" Dr. Bailey asked as she drew near.

"Good," Meredith nodded.

"Just good?" Bailey raised an eyebrow.

"Successful," Meredith corrected herself. "She was very lucky…I was actually just coming to find you…" she lied smoothly.

"How convenient," Bailey commented, moving off down the hall. Meredith hesitated, then decided she was probably supposed to follow. Bailey pulled open the door to a vacant conference room and motioned her in.

"Sit down, Meredith."

Meredith sat and inwardly sighed. When Miranda Bailey used first names, it never entailed anything good.

"You picked up an on-call shift for Stevens last night," Bailey said, standing beside one of the desk chairs, arms crossed. It was really more of a statement than a question.

Meredith nodded.

"From now on I want you to clear any shift changes, overtime hours…on call shifts, with me."

Meredith stared at her.

"Why can't I just write it on the schedule?" she objected with a frown, "Everyone else does-"

"That's right," Bailey agreed. "Everyone else does do that. But not you."

"Dr. Bailey, I'm trying to complete my residency-" Suddenly Meredith was close to tears. _Why was everything suddenly becoming so hard? _"-and I'm doing the best I can," she continued. "Izzie didn't want that shift and I need those hours-"

"How are you doing, Meredith?" Bailey interrupted awkwardly.

"_What_?" she demanded, frustrated. "I'm fine-"

"Exactly," Bailey nodded, vaguely. "You're doing fine, Meredith."

Meredith hesitated. She and Bailey had never really discussed her pregnancy and the whole troubling situation that accompanied it…After all, it was in front of Bailey that Derek had found out, and Bailey made it a habit not to get involved in her interns messy lives. Actually, apart from the occasional comment ("Make sure you stay out of the room while Ms. Hutchinson gets her x-rays, Grey…" or "And Grey…make sure you stay away from radiology; have O'Malley run the tests if you need to…") …that was pretty much it. She acknowledged the pregnancy, but that didn't mean that she accepted it.

"I-" Meredith finally spoke, confused. "…What?"

"You're doing fine," Dr. Bailey repeated. "I know it can be hard-"

"But I told Dr. Webber I could do this-" Meredith objected, her voice breaking. "I told Richard that I could do this…I have to do this-"

"You can-" Bailey reassured.

"Then I have to do it like this," she pleaded, "I need these practical hours, and there isn't any other way," she insisted shrilly, "Why does _no one _understand that?"

"I do."

The conference room was quiet except for the gurgle of the coffee maker. After a long moment, Meredith looked up at Bailey.

"I will make sure that you finish your residency," Bailey encouraged resolutely. "You _will_ finish. But in the meantime, Grey, you will clear any shift changes with me, understood?" she demanded, reverting back to her usual manner. Meredith paused for a moment of quiet consideration for Bailey's softer side; but finally, she nodded.

* * *

"Seriously?" Meredith muttered under her breath, turning abruptly and heading in the opposite direction. Bailey had bustled out of the conference room a few minutes before, but no sooner had Meredith exited did she see Lexie coming down the hall. They had not been on the best of terms since she had found out about the meetings between Lexie and Derek; something that Meredith had gone out of her way to make very clear. She headed for the nurses' station around the corner and tried to act busy at the file cart. 

It didn't work.

"Meredith?" Lexie came up behind her, and hesitated. "…Meredith?"

It was obvious she had heard her half-sister, and finally, Meredith turned around.

"What is it, Lexie?"

"How…how are you?"

"I'm great," she replied sarcastically, eyes narrowed. "How are you… How's 'dad'?"

She could hear herself, and her voice sounded overly happy; fake. Perfect.

"I'm okay," Lexie continued, and Meredith was surprised by her perseverance. "Derek hasn't talked to me, you know…"

"Great," Meredith replied, pulling random files. She tried to sound cold, but this time it was harder.

"Just so you know," Lexie shrugged. "...He hasn't."

"Okay," Meredith glanced at her, "I believe you."

"Okay," Lexie agreed, and then perked up. "Hey, I haven't seen you at Joe's…in awhile," she died off, staring at Meredith's belly, and they both realized how lame that sounded.

"Yeah," Meredith said scornfully, motioning towards her baby bump, "Apparently babies don't really do the whole tequila thing."

Lexie blushed and Meredith fought the urge to roll her eyes.

"Well, I think it's great," Lexie finally said.

"That you haven't seen me at Joe's? That's nice-"

"No-" Lexie quickly corrected, "You and Derek and…the baby."

Meredith hesitated.

"You know, as much as it means to me," she said, shoving the files back into alphabetical order, "I really get enough of people pushing their opinions on me all day long." It was unfair, but Meredith didn't care. She shrugged, motioning towards the hallway of nurses, interns, and various other residents who stood around her and had been either staring pointedly at her round stomach or whispering to their colleagues up until that very moment.

She wrinkled her nose in a sardonic smile and added:

"But thanks anyways," before turning and stalking off down the hall.

* * *

"Dirty Mistress-" a familiar sing-song voice called out to her, and Meredith looked away from the OR board to see the approaching Mark Sloane. 

"Dr. Sloane," she greeted, trying but failing to be indiscreet as she wiped her eyes.

"Club members get to call each other by their first names…Meredith," he pointed out, and she laughed despite herself.

"Dirty Mistresses Club, how could I forget?" she asked.

"So…why so sad?" he asked,

"What?" Meredith frowned.

"What's wrong, Mer-Bear?" he persisted."You've been crying."

Surprisingly, Meredith could not be annoyed with him.

"What did you just call me?" she asked.

Mark laughed and gave a small shrug.

"I think I prefer Dirty Mistress..." she added.

"Fine then. But you didn't answer my question," he persisted. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm great."

"How's the McBaby?" he questioned, glancing down at her stomach.

"McBaby?" Meredith repeated, and laughed.

"Isn't that what we're calling it? Hmm, McNugget…maybe?"

Meredith rolled her eyes.

"No?" Mark continued, "How about McPeanut? I'm running out of good suggestions here…"

Meredith half-laughed, distracted, and Mark died off and followed her gaze. A small group of interns had stopped what they were doing to stare at her, and someone's whisper drifted across the vacant hallway:

"That's her…"

"Just so I'll remember your names-" Mark walked towards them and pulled the badges off the coat pockets of the two nearest him, "-I'll take these, thanks."

"We need those-" the third intern objected, but Mark cut across:

"Actually, I need them," he said pointedly, sticking them in his scrub pocket and grabbing the badge off the intern in the back, "You like the OR room?" he asked, "Because you won't see the inside of one for a month if you don't get out of here-" He turned and headed back towards Meredith as they hurried off.

There was an awkward pause.

"How about a surgery?" Mark offered after a moment.

"You didn't have to do that," Meredith mumbled.

"How about a surgery?" he repeated.

Meredith glanced at her watch; she was supposed to leave to meet Derek for the appointment soon…

"I really can't-"

"Come on," Mark insisted, wiping the resident slot below his name on the surgery board clean and marking her name in. "I've got to spend some time with my future godchild…"

Meredith glanced at him funny and he continued:

"What, you haven't heard? Oh yeah, I'm expecting Derek to ask me to be the godfather any day now…"

She laughed and followed him down the hall as he continued to joke.

"…godchild sounds boring...how about god-McBaby?" he laughed. "I still like god-McNugget…"

* * *

An hour later, as Meredith stood beside Mark -helping to correctly align the skin on a young boy with a cranial disfigurement- the phone on the wall of the OR began to ring...and she knew. 

"Dr. Sloane?" one of the nurses asked, looking up.

"Go ahead," Mark nodded.

The nurse passed her suctioning tool off to an intern and went over to the phone.

"This is OR2," she paused, and then glanced up at Meredith, who quickly looked away. "Yes, she is…okay. Yes, Chief... yes, I'll let her know."

* * *

_Hello! What do you think? The product of a long day's writing…I think it turned out nicely. I wanted to show several of the other characters and their interaction with Meredith (ie: Bailey, Lexie, Mark) I always consider your feedback, so please review! Next chapter up very soon if you do!_


	16. Chapter 16

Suggested listening:

"Forget You"- LAX

* * *

An hour later, as Meredith stood beside Mark -helping to correctly align the skin on a young boy with a cranial disfigurement- the phone on the wall of the OR began to ring...and she knew. 

"Dr. Sloane?" one of the nurses asked, looking up.

"Go ahead," Mark nodded.

The nurse passed her suctioning tool off to an intern and went over to the phone.

"This is OR2," she paused, and then glanced up at Meredith, who quickly looked away. "Yes, she is…okay. Yes, Chief... yes, I'll let her know."

* * *

There was a quiet pause as the nurse set the phone back on its hook and rejoined them at the operating table, silently accepting the suctioning tool that was passed back to her. 

Mark glanced over at her in question.

"Chief Webber would like to see Dr. Grey in his office after surgery," she announced in explanation, and Meredith could feel the stares of everyone around her.

"Uh-oh Grey," Mark said lightly, his grin evident beneath his surgical mask, "Someone's in trouble…"

Meredith glanced up at Mark but a motion in the gallery caught her attention; it was Derek, dressed in jeans and a sweater, and he looked upset. His face was set, his lips pressed tightly together, and he came up to the gallery window and stared down into the OR, arms crossed.

Meredith's eyes met his for a moment of open defiance, and Derek stared back, unwavering. Finally she blinked, and her gaze slid to the monitor as the patient's heart rate began to rise dangerously…

* * *

"Meredith-" Derek was waiting for her in the scrub room a half hour later, and she untied her surgical gown, ignoring him. 

"Meredith-" he said again, and as she headed for the door, he stepped in front of her.

"You went to Richard?" she demanded angrily, and realized that her surgical mask was still on her face. She pushed it down around her neck, flushed.

"That's all you have to say?" Derek accused, shaking his head, "Unbelievable."

"_You're_ unbelievable, Derek-"

"I waited for you, I sat there in the waiting room like a complete idiot for an hour-"

"Oh, someone get this man a saline drip, Derek Shepherd has a bruised ego!" Meredith exaggerated scornfully.

"What is your problem? Lexie told me what you said to her-"

"You talked to Lexie? But today's not Monday," she exclaimed sarcastically. "Did you have to call an emergency meeting?" Without waiting for an answer, she tried to push past Derek, but he caught her upper arm halfway out the door.

"I didn't know where you were-"

"Let me _go_."

"What did I do, Meredith? You know you had an appointment," he insisted loudly, "This isn't something you can just skip-"

"Then I'll reschedule," she said vehemently. Jerking her arm from his grasp, she pushed herself the rest of the way out the door and was gone.

* * *

"You skipped your appointment." Richard peered across at Meredith over the tips of his fingers, pensive. Meredith was silent. "You were supposed to have the afternoon off." 

Meredith shrugged. She had been in and out of the Chief's office multiple times in the last two and a half months, reviewing her residency progress, completing paperwork, and -two weeks ago- meeting for a review with the board. This was nothing new, and Meredith was to the point of indifference. She hadn't done anything wrong.

The Chief sighed.

"What's going on, Meredith?"

"Dr. Sloane asked me to scrub in on his surgery," she explained simply.

"And your appointment?"

Meredith shook her head.

"It slipped my mind."

There was a long silence. The clock on the wall ticked by slowly, its sound filled the quiet office.

"Derek's worried about you, Meredith," Richard said finally, looking up at her from across his desk. "Is this something I should be concerned about?"

Meredith stiffened.

"I have no responsibilities to Derek," she said defensively, "We aren't together."

Richard raised his eyebrows.

"That's not what I understood."

"Then you're mistaken."

"Meredith-"

Meredith stood up quickly, frustrated.

"Are we done here?" she demanded, and then continued without waiting for an answer: "You knew I would have to work hard to make up for the time I'll miss after the baby's born," she pointed out, placing a hand to her belly, "-and that's all that I'm guilty of, Richard. I'm working hard to log these surgical hours, and appointments can be rescheduled-"

"That's fine," The Chief agreed, taken aback, "But as Chief of Surgery it's also my job to take into account the well-being of my staff…" he hesitated, looking at her seriously. "I just want you to be okay, Meredith."

* * *

"We need to talk," Derek was hovering next to Meredith as she briefed her interns; she watched them scurry off and then turned to face him. 

"Derek, I'm working."

"Why? You've already scheduled off-"

"There's no point missing any more work than I have to," Meredith said shortly, moving off down the hall.

"Wait-" Derek jogged to catch up.

"Derek, I don't have time to wait," she rounded on him, her hands in the pockets of her lab coat, "-and I don't have time to talk. I don't _want _to talk," she corrected herself firmly, and turned to keep walking.

"Fine," Derek was beside her again, "Then I'll work too…"

"It's your day off-" Meredith objected.

"Doesn't matter," Derek shrugged. "You're being ridiculous-"

Meredith glared at him.

"-so until you're ready to talk, I'm staying," he insisted. "I'll find something to do-"

"Like hell you will-" Dr. Bailey rounded the corner followed by Cristina, Izzie, Alex, and a mixture of their interns, catching the last of Derek's words. "We've got multiple cases coming in down in the pit; Dr. Webber needs you for surgery _yesterday_, Shepherd. Why didn't you respond to your page?"

"It's my day off," Derek answered, searching for his pager. "I must have left it in my truck-"

"Alright well, welcome back to work," Bailey said unceremoniously, pushing a stack of files into his arms, "They're clearing the OR now…the Chief's down in ER," she paused when Derek didn't move. "Right now, Shepherd!"

"What happened?" Meredith asked quickly as Derek rushed off. She moved as fast as her pregnant belly would allow to keep up with Bailey and her fellow residents; she was now doing a very awkward somewhat-jog.

"Plane crash," Cristina supplied, grabbing an armful of suture kits off a nearby cart as they moved.

"_Plane crash_?" Meredith repeated incredulously.

"Kind of-" Izzie supplied. "Commercial jet tried to make a landing at Seattle-Tacoma and the landing gear jammed at the last minute. The jet slid onto its side-"

"-yeah, right into the path of a commercial 747 that was about to take off," Alex supplied, interrupting Izzie. He pointed to one of the televisions in the waiting room as they passed. "It's all over the news."

"How can I help?" Meredith asked, slightly out of breath. She pulled her eyes away from catastrophe on the screen as they stopped to wait for an elevator.

"What about your appointment, Grey?" Bailey asked as most of them squeezed into the elevator. "I thought you had the afternoon off-"

Meredith shrugged.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

Dr. Bailey leaned around one of Izzie's interns and narrowed her eyes at Meredith, suspicious. Cristina and Izzie both looked at her questioningly.

"Grey…" Bailey said accusingly.

"Didn't you go?" Izzie implored, cutting her off.

Meredith took a deep breath.

"No, I didn't," she answered finally, avoiding the intruding stare of the intern next to her. "But," she said pointedly, turning to stare out into the ER as the elevator doors slid open. "I really think we have bigger things to worry about…"

Izzie, Alex, Cristina, Bailey, Meredith, and the nervous interns were all silent and unmoving for a moment as they took in the scene before them. It was Dr. Bailey who finally spoke in a hushed, disbelieving tone:

"Oh my God…"

* * *

_Okay, this chapter has a lot more coming, but I was getting anxious to update for you guys soon, so here it is! More chapters to come. Awesome reviews, thanks! _


	17. Chapter 17

Suggested listening:

"Tragedy"- Brandi Carlile

* * *

"How can I help?" Meredith asked, slightly out of breath. She pulled her eyes away from catastrophe on the screen as they stopped to wait for an elevator. 

"What about your appointment, Grey?" Bailey asked as most of them squeezed into the elevator. "I thought you had the afternoon off-"

Meredith shrugged.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

Dr. Bailey leaned around one of Izzie's interns and narrowed her eyes at Meredith, suspicious. Cristina and Izzie both looked at her questioningly.

"Grey…" Bailey said accusingly.

"Didn't you go?" Izzie implored, cutting her off.

Meredith took a deep breath.

"No, I didn't," she answered finally, avoiding the intruding stare of the intern next to her. "But," she said pointedly, turning to stare out into the ER as the elevator doors slid open. "I really think we have bigger things to worry about…"

Izzie, Alex, Cristina, Bailey, Meredith, and the nervous interns were all silent and unmoving for a moment as they took in the scene before them. It was Dr. Bailey who finally spoke in a hushed, disbelieving tone:

"Oh my God…"

* * *

"Uh, alright," Bailey turned to face the group as they all filed out, crowded around the outside of the elevator. "Stevens, take your interns…page whoever's not here; and take trauma bays one and two. Anyone sent there is your responsibility for the rest of the night. Go-" 

Izzie hurried off with her interns in tow, maneuvering deftly through the crowd.

"Yang, find your interns and get them here. You decide who needs surgery; assign attending by surgery type and organize by priority," Bailey continued, and Cristina glanced back at Meredith and moved off, her hand already at her pager as she gave instructions to two nearby interns.

"Karev and Grey, stay together," Dr. Bailey watched Cristina go, then pulled her eyes away from the scene to face them, "The OR's going to be severely backed up; we don't have enough attendings in the hospital to handle all of this-" she motioned towards the scene before them. "If it can be done here, do it; have your interns help you. Go. And Alex-" Bailey held him back as he went to follow Meredith and the rest of the interns, and finally spoke: "-keep an eye on Grey."

Meredith got halfway into the crowd and stopped, staring at the scene around her. Injured people and their family members overflowed from the swinging doors of the ER and into the hall, almost up to the area in front of the elevator where she had been standing moments before. All around her people were crowded, laying on gurneys or calling out to family members or nurses; some cried out in pain, and others lay in quiet suffering. The hallway was a mixture of paramedics, residents, and interns rushing back and forth and wheeling admitted patients past, and for a moment, Meredith couldn't move. There were so many injured…there were too many. _Where was she supposed to begin?_

"Meredith!" Alex called out to her, pushing through the crowd, and grabbed her hand. "Come on, this way-" he lead her closer towards the doors of the ER, reassuring patients as they called out to him. "Nurse Tyler-" he shouted over the heads of those nearest them, and Tyler looked up as he finished intibating an older woman. "-we need gloves," Alex said, and Tyler grabbed a box from beside the supply cart next to him and threw it high across the room.

"Thanks, man-" Alex caught them and pulled out a pair for himself, then passed the box to Meredith. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded. The doors to the ER swung outwards and she caught a brief glimpse of Callie, bent over a stretcher and shouting orders. "There's so many…" she mused as the doors swung back into place. She turned back to face Alex.

"Mercy West can't take anymore-" he explained as they arrived at a man with a shard of metal protruding from the side of his chest, and Meredith didn't bother to wonder how he knew that. "We've got to pack this," Alex continued, pulling open the package of a sterile IV, "Meredith…are you ready?"

"Ready?" Meredith repeated cautiously, and glanced up to stare at him, "Alex, what are we doing?"

"You heard Bailey," he said, navigating the needle into the blood vessel. "The OR is backed up, we have to do this…Olivia, we're ready-" he called out, and Nurse Olivia hurried over with a blood bag and hooked it onto the IV stand. She handed him another syringe and he held it up to the light, checking for air bubbles.

"Alex, what are you doing-" Meredith asked again.

"I'm giving him a regional anesthesia," he responded shortly, sticking the needle into the man's chest cavity.

"This man needs surgery," Meredith reprehended, "Not a general anesthetic!"

"This man needs a pressure bandage and you're going to give it to him," he accepted another syringe from Olivia and quickly stuck the man below his ribcage. The man groaned, and Alex discarded the empty needle and moved to the top of the gurney. "I'm going to intibate if he loses consciousness," he explained, opening another package and withdrawing a scalpel. He handed it to Meredith. "You know what to do-"

"Alex, I can't. He's _awake_-"

"He has a collapsed lung! He'll be dead if we don't cover the hole so his lung can inflate!"

"Alex-"

"Meredith, we can do this," Alex demanded, "I'm going to hold his head still, and I need you to make the cut…"

Meredith took a deep breath to steady her shaking hands and nodded.

"Can you feel this?" she asked the man, using the tip of her scalpel to make a shallow cut. He didn't answer, and his breathing was shallow. "Okay," she said after a moment, glancing at Alex. "Okay…" She gripped the piece of metal that was three inches deep in the man's body and shifted it lightly to release pressure and help it slide from the puncture wound. She packed the wound tightly with the gauze that Olivia passed to her.

"Keep pressure on this," she told Olivia and moved aside slightly so that the redhead nurse could place her hands over the gauze. Meredith moved her scalpel so that it was positioned below the breastbone and began to cut, wincing as blood immediately drew to the surface, but the man remained quiet. Extending the line, she was careful not to cut too deep, and Alex handed her the separators and she twisted the clamp back to expose the lung…

* * *

"You can do this," Meredith was telling the woman in front of her, "You have to do this…" Meredith pushed her hair out of her face with her forearm and repositioned herself at the foot of the gurney. 

"Alex, George, get her legs," Meredith instructed, acknowledging a newfound appreciation for birthing stirrups. The woman in front of her pleaded for her husband, and they were all painfully aware that Meredith was attempting to birth a baby in the middle of a hallway outside of the ER.

"We could try and move her-" George suggested.

"You could try and find my husband!" the woman shrieked, effectively cutting him off.

"What kind of airline lets a woman thirty-six weeks pregnant fly in the first place?" Alex demanded incredulously, holding back the woman's leg at the knee.

"I wasn't on the plane, I was waiting to pick up my husband…" the woman contradicted, "_He _was on the plane, and I need you to _find him_!" She bit her lip and pushed down at the last of her words and Meredith timed the contraction backwards from ten.

"This is ridiculous-" Alex began, and this time it was Meredith's turn to step up and hand out the orders.

"This woman has been at ten centimeters for fifteen minutes, Alex!" she said angrily. "This is not ridiculous, it's an emergency, and we cannot risk trying to deliver this baby in the elevator or somewhere halfway to obstetrics when everyone else is down here!" She turned back to face the woman and added, "Now I need you to _push_!"

The woman bore down and Meredith again began to time the contraction,  
"Good," she reassured, "almost done. I can see his head…okay, stop! Stop pushing!"

"I can't-" the woman begged, "I have to-"

"You have to stop pushing!" Meredith insisted. "You have to stop, _the cord is around his neck_-"

"What?" the woman struggled to sit up, and Meredith could see the baby turning blue.

"George, Alex, hold her down!" she demanded, "I'm going to reach and try and rotate him at the shoulder, I-" she backed up as a sudden twinge of pain hit her own stomach…but it was gone as quickly as it had come, and after a moment she took a shaky breath. "I'm going to try and rotate him," she continued quietly, glad that Alex and George had not seemed to notice. She gently managed to maneuver the woman's baby sideways and slip the cord off over his head…

* * *

"What happened?" Alex demanded and Meredith hurried after him, nearly colliding with him as he neared Olivia and stopped. She moved around Alex to see the patient; it was a woman they had treated earlier for concussion, a bandage wrapped tightly around her head. 

"Her right pupil is blown-" Olivia began.

"How long has she been like this?" Alex asked quickly, and Meredith grabbed Olivia's optic flashlight and aimed it at the woman's eye.

"I don't know," Olivia answered, looking around, "There's so many people-"

"I asked you to watch her!" Alex accused angrily.

"Alex!" Meredith interjected, glancing up from the patient, "There are a lot of people that need help here…we don't have time to worry about placing blame…" she looked back to the woman in front of her. "No pupillary response," she diagnosed, moving over to check the left eye. "Left pupil is dilated but still intact-"

"Okay," Alex stepped back, "I know how to do this; I've done this for Shepherd before, but we don't have a lot of time-" He pushed through the doors of the ER and reappeared a few moments later, unwrapping a hollow syringe. "You okay?" he asked Meredith for the second time that night; she exhaled and brought her hand to the side of her belly in discomfort.

"Yeah," she answered hoarsely.

Alex seemed unsettled but finally he stepped up to the stretcher and stuck the needle behind the top of the woman's right eye before either Olivia or Meredith had a chance to protest.

"Dr. Karev-" Olivia began.

"The fluid is built up behind the eye; it has to be drained or she'll die," Alex cut her off in explanation, "Olivia, call up to the OR and let Shepherd know we have a priority case, this woman needs surgery immediately…Tell them it can't wait…"

* * *

It was almost two-thirty in the morning, and Meredith felt like she had been awake for days. She tried to remember the last time she had slept, and realized with a slight jolt that it had been nearly two days before; the night she had worked the shift for Izzie… She was too tired to drive herself home, and, with the exception of Alex, she hadn't seen more than a frantic glimpse of her fellow residents since the elevator ride down to the ER hours before. She had lost track of how many people she had treated tonight, and could only imagine what the others had seen as she reached the dark on-call room on the third floor and collapsed into the bed… 

_Beep. Beep. Beep. _

The obnoxious sound of her pager pulled her from sleep and Meredith looked up at the clock. Four-thirty in the morning. Someone shifted in the bed above her; it was Izzie, still in her surgery scrubs, and she sat up and watched Meredith sleepily.

"Hey," Meredith said, straightening her scrubs. She picked up Izzie's pager from the table beside the bed and tossed it to her as it began to go off, also.

"This sucks," Izzie grumbled, climbing down off the bed and clipping the pager to her belt. "Damned airplanes."

"Damned hospital," Meredith added, pulling on her lab coat.

"You would not believe the night I had," Izzie exclaimed, following Meredith as she pulled open the door of the on-call room.

* * *

"Alright," Bailey said with a yawn, clipboard in hand. Izzie and Meredith edged in beside the rest of the exhausted residents and waited for their assignments. "You all did a good job last night," she said generously, stifling another yawn. "We've got a fresh rotation coming in at five, so get started on pre-rounds and then go home and get some sleep. Those of you scheduled to work another shift, we've got a full board today…" 

Izzie turned to Meredith and grinned happily, ignoring the rest of what Bailey was saying.

"I've got off, what about you?" she asked.

Meredith nodded and half-smiled.

"You haven't seen Derek, have you?" she asked quietly.

Izzie frowned.

"No, not since surgery, why?"

Meredith shrugged and looked down at her stomach, resting a hand there.

"No reason…"

* * *

Meredith was almost finished with pre-rounds; she was so tired that she could not even manage to act annoyed with her interns as they tailed her in a tight bunch, too close as usual. Normally she had George to talk to during rounds, but last she had heard, he was still in surgery with Mark… She only had one more patient to check on and she neared his room and entered, holding open the door so that her interns could crowd in behind her.

"This is Jonathan Steel," she announced, reading his file, "Mr. Steel is presenting with…"

"Multiple second and third degree burns over twenty percent of the body," one of Meredith's interns stepped up and listed the vitals, but Meredith was watching as the patient's wife struggled with two little boys.

"Mommy asked you to _sit still_-" the woman said loudly, sitting one of the boys down in his chair particularly hard.

"Julie," Mr. Steel said as the boy burst into tears, "He's probably tired, it's five in the morning…"

"He's not tired," the woman insisted, "He doesn't know how to listen-" She stood up and grabbed the other boy as he tried to climb up and sit with his father. "You're supposed to behave!" she demanded, sitting him down next to his brother, "Grandma and Grandpa are going to be here soon and then you'll get to go with them-" she pleaded as the boy screamed and began to kick his feet against the chair.

"_Stop_-" the woman insisted as his screams got louder, "John, tell him to stop-"

The boy reached out and smacked his mother as she tried to pull him into her lap; she turned red and sat him back in the chair as the younger boy continued to wail.

Meredith stepped forward.

"If they're hungry, we have a cafeteria downstairs-" she suggested over Mr. Steel's demands for his son to sit up and stop screaming.

The woman turned to stare at her.

"They're not hungry," she said angrily, "This is just how they are. You should know…" she said, pointing to the rise of Meredith's belly beneath her scrubs.

"Oh," Meredith shook her head, "No…"

"This is your first? Well let me just say 'I'm sorry'," she said rudely as the older boy slipped down from the chair and tripped over the IV stand. "I hope you're ready…"

* * *

_Longest chapter yet! You probably noticed I added song titles at the beginnings of all my chapters; I can only suggest you listen to these while reading as I really think they enhance the effect! Did I mention how awesome you guys are? Thanks for the reviews!_


	18. Chapter 18

Author's Note: Just a brief note to remind all of my readers that I am essentially (and for all important purposes), a Meredith/Derek fan. Most of what you are reading has been planned out in my head (for weeks!) or written in bits and pieces until it eventually comes together as a chapter for my story updates. I have always known where this fic will go and I can assure you that I will not leave you disappointed! Some chapters are written from Meredith's perspective and others from Derek's...but I would like to think of myself as too insanely picky about details to accidentally 'forget' to write a certain character into a chapter. Basically, if you do not see or hear from a character in a chapter (ie: Derek in the last chapter), it is because I set it up that way! Thank you all for reading and for your outstanding encouragement; and now...onto the story!

* * *

Suggested listening: 

"Stay"- Sugarland

* * *

The shrill ring of the phone pulled Derek from his sleep. He rolled over and looked at the clock; it was nine-fifteen in the morning. He stared up at the ceiling and sighed. Last night had been chaotic to say the least; Derek had scrubbed in on eight consecutive surgeries and assisted on an additional three before finally leaving the OR at six o'clock that morning. He had seen Izzie, George, and Cristina several times throughout the night, but he hadn't seen Meredith since their talk in the hallway the afternoon before, and by the time he had a chance to look for her, she had already left. Derek was slightly hurt by Meredith's unconcerned attitude, but at the insistence of the Chief, he had given in and gone back to his trailer were he fell into bed, asleep before he had even changed out of his clothes. 

The insistent ringing of the phone was finally cut off as the answering machine picked up the call, but whoever it was had already hung up. Derek was thankful that he didn't have to go back to the hospital until the following morning and rolled back over to go to sleep; after all, the hospital would page if they needed him. The steady sound of rain beat down on the roof of his trailer, and he had only just closed his eyes when the phone began to ring again.

Derek groaned loudly and stumbled across his trailer, searching for the phone. He finally found it beneath a pile of clothes and answered, annoyed.

"Hello?" he demanded, impatient. There was no response. He leaned against the wall of his trailer. "_Hello_?"

"Derek?" a low voice spoke into the phone. "It's Izzie…Can you come over?"

* * *

Derek pulled up outside of Meredith's house twenty minutes later and ran through the rain towards the front door. Izzie was waiting at the window, arms crossed, and she pulled open the door as he reached the porch, motioning him inside. 

"Is she okay?" Derek asked as he followed her into the foyer.

Izzie turned around and stopped at the foot of the stairs.

"I don't know," she shook her head. "She's just sitting there…She didn't say much when we left the hospital this morning," she shrugged, "I just figured she was tired…"

Derek nodded.

"Okay," he started up the stairs, "…Thanks Izzie."

The door to Meredith's bedroom was open slightly, and a sliver of the morning light leaked out onto the dim hallway. Derek gently pushed the door open the rest of the way and Meredith looked up quickly, her face tear-stained. She was sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by -Derek moved closer to see- what looked like pictures strewn about from a nearby photo album.

She stared up at Derek, and finally her face crumpled and she began to cry in earnest, looking from the photos that were grasped in her tiny, ineffectual fists to Derek, and back again.

"Meredith?" Derek hesitated and advanced a few steps farther into the room.

"I can't do it-" she choked out hysterically, "I can't be a good mom, Derek! I'm _pregnant…_What am I going to do? _Please…_Derek…what am I going to do…"

"Meredith," Derek began again, slightly overwhelmed by her sudden outburst, "Meredith, it's okay…" he maneuvered past the discarded photo album and embraced her, feeling an intense rush of relief. Meredith_ needed _him…

"I can't be a good mom, Derek," Meredith repeated, her hands to her belly, "And I'm tired all the time, and I just don't know how…"-she hiccupped-" I don't know how to be a good _mom_, Derek-"

"Sshh…" Derek held her close as she sobbed, and pried her fingers away from the pictures she was holding. He held them up to the light as she released them; what could only be Meredith as a child -she had the most amazing, blue-gray eyes even then- was smiling around her pacifier, and Derek recognized the man who held her hand as Thatcher. Meredith's mother Ellis, he noticed painfully as he looked around at all of photos, was absent in almost all of them. A tiny baby Meredith cradled in Thatcher's arms…Meredith in front of a birthday cake for her second birthday, Thatcher grinning prominently and Ellis -barely visible- sulking in the corner of the shot…Meredith playing with a puzzle on the floor…Meredith in Thatcher's lap with a toy stethoscope around her neck…

"I rescheduled my appointment, Derek," she gasped after a few minutes, and gradually her breathing became even and returned to normal. "I rescheduled," she repeated quietly. "I rescheduled…and Derek, I'm so sorry…"

Derek heart ached at the panicked sound of Meredith's apologies, and he tried to soothe her, pulling her as close to his body as possible. He wondered why it had suddenly dawned on her now, twenty-two weeks into her pregnancy, that she was going to be a mom…but it didn't take a neurosurgeon to realize why she was upset. This was an Ellis thing. Derek would never forget the time Meredith had admitted to him that she had never been trick or treating at Halloween; that confession -for him- summed up Meredith's childhood. Ellis had left Thatcher, who -from the looks of the photos- had been the only nurturing parent in the relationship, and Meredith had been left to grow up with…Ellis. What little Derek had known of Meredith's mother before she had passed away earlier in the year bothered him greatly in comparison with the warm, loving mother he had been raised by.

"You're going to be a wonderful mother," he whispered into her hair, kissing the top of her head. "Okay? You'll see, it's going to be okay…"

Meredith gave a small nod and looked up at him, and Derek kissed her gently.

"I love you," he whispered, deepening the kiss. Meredith raised her hands and ran her fingers through his hair, overcome with an intensity to be near Derek…to be close to him. She returned his kiss -her anticipation rising- but pulled back almost as suddenly a moment later.

"-Oh," she dropped both hands to her stomach. "...Derek-"

"What is it?" he asked, alarmed.

"Nothing, it's-" she squirmed and pulled his hands down to her belly. "-I think the baby just kicked…"

Derek's eyes widened excitedly and he held his breath and kept his hands absolutely still, waiting. Meredith rested her smaller hands on top of his and squirmed again; moving around beneath his hands.

"Come on little baby-" she whispered, and Derek felt a instant rush of attraction for the woman carrying his child. And then he felt it- a fluttery, gentle sort of feeling beneath his fingertips.

Meredith's head snapped up to stare at him.

"Derek…" she whispered.

…And Derek grinned.

* * *

_Okay, what do you think? I haven't devoted much writing to how Meredith has actually felt about her pregnancy…You know how she can be, she's an avoider, haha. I think at the end of the last chapter she is just suddenly realizing what's happening to her and what she will be going through in four and a half short months, and it's really hit her unexpectedly. She's been so focused on proving to others that she can do this, she's been neglecting the reality of the situation. I hope this chapter helped to rationalize some of Meredith's actions in chapters past. Your reviews make me want to continue…more updates soon!_


	19. Chapter 19

Suggested listening:

"The Fox in the Snow"- Belle & Sebastian

* * *

"Meredith?" Derek asked quietly. It had only been a few hours since they had first felt the baby kick, but Derek felt as if every trouble they had been through in the past several months had been forgotten with their lovemaking. 

"Mm?" Meredith mumbled in answer.

"What's that smell?"

"What smell, Derek?"

"That smell," he said unhelpfully, "It smells good."

"Izzie's baking," Meredith explained, turning over to look at him. "She called you, right? Before you came over?"

Derek nodded.

"Izzie bakes when she's worried," Meredith confirmed matter-of-factly.

"Oh," Derek said quietly. He brought his hand over to rest on her belly.

Meredith leaned over to kiss him and then pulled the sheets away and stood up, weaving her way through the scattered pictures across to the bathroom. After a moment Derek heard the sound of the water in the shower being turned on and Meredith came back out in a towel and began to gather up the photos.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked, sitting up.

"I've got to be back at the hospital at three," she explained carefully, "Izzie and I only had a half day off…" She glanced up at him quickly, gauging his reaction.

"Oh," Derek looked at the clock; it was almost two. The usually bright afternoon light was dimmed by the rain that continued to come down outside the windows.

"Izzie thought we'd get the whole day because of the accident last night, but there's not enough people to bring in another new rotation," Meredith shrugged, and then added quickly, "But I'll be home tonight…"

Derek nodded.

"You can stay here, if you want," she suggested, piling the photos and the album onto her dresser and turning to face him.

"No, I think I'll head up there, too," he said with a slight frown, "I've got plenty of post-op evaluations, anyways."

Meredith nodded.

"In that case," she said coyly, looking over her shoulder as she turned to head into the bathroom, "Care to join me?"

Derek smiled mischievously.

"Even better."

* * *

"Derek's looking for you." 

Meredith glanced up from the blood results she had just picked up from the lab. It was Izzie.

"These are yours-" Meredith smiled and handed the labs to her friend. "…Have you seen him?"

"In the CT room, third floor."

"Thanks."

"No problem," Izzie grinned and winked. "Have fun."

Meredith rolled her eyes and headed off down the hall.

* * *

When Meredith stepped out of the elevator on the third floor she saw Derek heading down the hall towards her, talking with one of the nurses from nuero. He smiled when he saw her and met her halfway as the nurse hurried off. 

"You wanted to see me?" Meredith asked.

"Actually Dr. Grey, I did," Derek laughed slyly and pulled her around the corner and into an empty on-call room.

"Derek," Meredith began as he locked the door, "I've got patients, and interns-"

Her words were cut off as Derek pressed his lips to hers in a kiss.

"-and my shift is almost over-" she reasoned, slightly out of breath…And then her thoughts became fuzzy as he continued the kiss. "Now's okay, too…" she consented weakly as Derek moved backwards towards the bed.

* * *

Derek glanced at Meredith. She was asleep, her head resting against the window as they drove to the trailer from the hospital. Derek smiled, because she was the same old Meredith; her chest rose and fell steadily with the rhythms of her breathing, and he knew if she were laying in bed she would already be snoring lightly. The same old Meredith, except for now she was pregnant with their baby. Derek's heart seemed to constrict with overwhelming happiness as he pondered this, and he grinned to himself and turned back to watch the road. 

Meredith shifted slightly and, with her eyes still closed, reached over and took Derek's hand as he slowed the truck to a stop and waited for the light to turn from red to green. She laid it against her belly and sighed.

"Can you feel it?" she asked sleepily.

"He's kicking."

"Or she," she corrected, and a soft smile played across her lips.

"Or she…" Derek agreed, and soon he went back to driving and Meredith was quiet. Every once in a while she would move her hand lightly across her belly and Derek knew she was not sleeping; but neither said anything, which left him to his thoughts…

He couldn't believe that less than twenty-four hours had passed since he had found her panicked and surrounded by photos in the middle of the floor, and now they were driving back to his trailer, and everything seemed like it was falling into place. He yawned and glanced at the time. It was midnight, and they only had six hours until Meredith had to be back at the hospital. As an attending -and unless he was paged- Derek didn't have to be back to Seattle Grace until eight that morning. He frowned and tried to remember the last time Meredith had worked a normal schedule. It had to have been the night she slept over last. She had worked a regular shift that day…but that night she had pulled an all-nighter on the on-call shift for Izzie, and the next day she had worked a full shift instead of half because she had not gone to her doctor's appointment…

Derek shook his head. _That couldn't be right, could it? _Saturday was the day she was supposed to have the afternoon off for her appointment, but Saturday night had stretched long into Sunday with the overflow of emergency patients from the airport accident…_and_ she had worked nine hours today…

"I think you should talk to the Chief about keeping a regular schedule," Derek spoke into the silence of the truck, bothered. "You know, something less…unpredictable." He turned to glance at Meredith.

"Mer?" he asked, again breaking the silence.

Meredith was quiet, and whether she was asleep or just avoiding the topic, Derek didn't know. He sighed and turned back to the road. Tomorrow was Monday, and he only hoped that things would return to normal with the new week.

* * *

Derek pulled up outside of Seattle Grace the next morning, and Meredith gazed out of the window from her place beside him in the driver's seat. It was still raining slightly, and cold…Meredith reached for the door handle as they slowed to a stop and Derek leaned over to kiss her. 

"I don't think the cleaner's opens until seven," he told her, "but I've got to run by there, and maybe get some coffee. Do you want anything?"

Meredith shook her head.

"Decaf?" Derek offered, trying to be helpful.

"Alright," she nodded and started to open the door. "Thanks-"

"Hey-" Derek reached out a hand to stop her, "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You look pale. Did the baby keep you up last night?"

She shrugged.

"I'm just not used to it," she admitted, placing a hand against her stomach.

Derek nodded; he had not heard her snore and knew she must have been up for most of the night.

"Do you want me to come in with you?"

"I'm fine," Meredith shook her head and half-smiled. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," Derek agreed. "…I'll see you later."

* * *

Derek caught up with Meredith just before lunch. 

"Busy day?" he asked as he followed her onto the elevator.

Meredith shrugged.

"Not very."

Derek leaned past her and pushed the button for the third floor.

"I meant to ask you…when's our new appointment time?"

She glanced up at him.

"This Thursday at three. It's the earliest she could get us in."

"You _could_ get a doctor here," Derek reasoned.

"I like Dr. Lee," Meredith responded simply. She exhaled and shuffled her files, bringing a hand down to her belly in obvious discomfort.

"Meredith," Derek noticed this and took a step towards her, "...Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith answered after a moment, slightly out of breath. She shook her head. "I don't know. I'm not feeling so great."

Derek was surprised. Meredith admitting to him that she didn't feel well instead of insisting that she was 'fine' meant she knew something was off.

"Is it the baby?" Derek was concerned. "Is it the kicking?"

"No," she shook her head, "…I'm probably just tired-"

"You could lay down…" Derek suggested. The elevator doors slid open but no one else got on and soon they closed again. "Maybe I should take you home," Derek reasoned, "I'll find Richard-"

"No," Meredith held him back and shook her head, "I'm just tired; that's all."

"Meredith-" Derek began, and was cut off by the sound of her pager. Meredith pulled it out of her pocket and then glanced up at him quickly.

"I've got to answer this," she insisted and pushed the button for the second floor. The elevator whirred back into life as they moved down a floor.

"This is probably normal," Meredith reassured him as the doors reopened on the second floor. "I'm scheduled for surgery with you this afternoon," she pointed out, "I'll see you then, okay?"

Derek hesitated.

"Okay," he agreed cautiously as she hurried from the elevator; but he couldn't help feeling it was against his better judgment...

* * *

_Reviews are awesome and always appreciated. This chapter has a lot more to it but I'd rather give you a shorter chapter now than make you wait a week.. More soon. _:) 


	20. Chapter 20

Suggested listening:

"Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh"- Bright Eyes

* * *

"I like Dr. Lee," Meredith responded simply. She exhaled and shuffled her files, bringing a hand down to her belly in obvious discomfort. 

"Meredith," Derek noticed this and took a step towards her, "...Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith answered after a moment, slightly out of breath. She shook her head. "I don't know. I'm not feeling so great."

Derek was surprised. Meredith admitting to him that she didn't feel well instead of insisting that she was 'fine' meant she knew something was off.

"Is it the baby?" Derek was concerned. "Is it the kicking?"

"No," she shook her head, "…I'm probably just tired-"

"You could lay down…" Derek suggested. The elevator doors slid open but no one else got on and soon they closed again. "Maybe I should take you home," Derek reasoned, "I'll find Richard-"

"No," Meredith held him back and shook her head, "I'm just tired; that's all."

"Meredith-" Derek began, and was cut off by the sound of her pager. Meredith pulled it out of her pocket and then glanced up at him quickly.

"I've got to answer this," she insisted and pushed the button for the second floor. The elevator whirred back into life as they moved down a floor.

"This is probably normal," Meredith reassured him as the doors reopened on the second floor. "I'm scheduled for surgery with you this afternoon," she pointed out, "I'll see you then, okay?"

Derek hesitated.

"Okay," he agreed cautiously as she hurried from the elevator; but he couldn't help feeling it was against his better judgment...

* * *

"Where have you been?" Alex demanded as Meredith hurried into the room, "Where are your interns?" 

"You paged me?" Meredith asked, quickly checking over the patient. "Alex-" she continued without waiting for an answer, "…Did you intibate?" she motioned towards the older man who lay on the bed, recovering from surgery.

"I had to, Meredith; his blood-ox count was _barely _registering-"

"Harold Evans, 63," Meredith picked up his chart and read aloud, "Recovering from pacemaker removal, scheduled to receive a permanent internal demand pacemaker tomorrow with Dr. Hahn in OR1." She glanced up at Alex and replaced the chart. "Who scrubbed in for the removal?" she asked.

"I did." Alex admitted.

"Then it's your interns on the case, not mine."

"Normally," Alex contradicted, "But it's specifically written on the schedule that your interns were in charge of rounds in this wing today-"

"But you were assigned the case, Alex-" Meredith glanced towards the patient, who still under the effects of the anesthesia from surgery.

"The_ point _is," Alex said angrily, turning to leave the room. "You were unaware that your interns were on this case, and now I'm late for surgery. This is _your_ patient, and I'm not your babysitter!"

Meredith leaned against the wall and closed her eyes as another pang twinged across her stomach. She didn't understand how Alex could be so levelheaded and understanding in the middle of an ER filled with plane-crash victims and the next minute be so cynical and intolerant. The steady beep of the heart monitor filled the room, and then suddenly, a shrill alarm began to go off as the rhythm on the monitor fell rapidly.

"Alex-" she hurried to the door and yelled down the hall, "Get back in here, he's crashing! Code blue, we need a crash cart in here!" She smacked a blue button on the wall and a shrill alarm began to ring.

"Page Dr. Bailey," she said loudly as nurses hurried into the room, "BP's dropping, pulse ox down! Charge to two hundred!" She reached across for the paddles and brought them to the patient's chest.

"Clear-" She shocked the older man. His heart rate held steady for moment before beginning to fall again.

"Charge to two hundred!" she said again, holding the paddles steady over his chest. Suddenly she felt dizzy and swayed. She closed her eyes to try and clear her vision.

"Here-" she passed the paddles off to Alex, who had just reentered the room. "Charged," she said weakly, backing away.

"Clear!" Alex brought the paddles to the man's chest, but his heart rate began to fall again just moments afterwards. He tried once more at a higher charge but the pulse only stayed level for several seconds.

"Alright, somebody page Dr. Hahn; his muscle wall is too weak-" Alex ordered.

"BP dropping-" Meredith moved back in next to Alex and began doing manual compressions. "Let's get him moving-" she followed alongside as best she could as Alex maneuvered them into the hall.

"This guy needs the OR, where the hell is Bailey?" Alex said angrily.

"I can't keep these rhythms steady," Meredith said as they moved. "Alex, give me a hand."

"What?"

"Give me a hand-" she reached out quickly and took his hand, maneuvering herself onto the gurney with a knee on either side of the patient's body to continue compressions. Now Alex was pushing them quickly towards the elevator, several nurses following.

"Where's Hahn?" Alex yelled as they rolled right past Derek, who's eyes widened at the sight of Meredith, five and a half months pregnant, on top of the gurney.

"She preparing OR2," Derek announced, jogging to follow, "Meredith, let me help-"

"What about Dr. Bailey?" Alex demanded as they squeezed into the elevator, Meredith counting compressions underneath her breath.

_"_Right here-" Bailey came into view and her eyes widened. "Dr. Grey, what in _God's name_-"

And then the elevator doors slid closed, leaving Derek and Miranda Bailey still on the other side. There was a few moments silence, broken only by the sounds of Meredith muttering compression counts, and then the doors slid opened and Dr. Hahn stepped forward.

"I've got it from here, Dr. Grey, Dr. Karev. Get cleaned up, you're scrubbing in."

* * *

The twinge in Meredith's belly was really more of a dull pain now, and every once in a while it would intensify for a few seconds. She could see from the corner of her vision Derek and Dr. Bailey sitting up in the gallery watching the procedure. Earlier, when a particularly sharp pain had surprised her and she had nearly dropped the cauterizing tool, Derek had stood up and come to the gallery window. He'd been there ever since, arms crossed, watching. 

It was only after another half hour of surgery -with her discomfort still not letting up- that she began to think she should not have scrubbed in. Her lower back was bothering her from standing so long…she really just needed to sit for a moment. _And then I'll be fine_, she convinced herself.

"Alright, Grey?" Dr. Hahn had glanced at her and asked earlier, and Meredith nodded untruthfully. When she looked up at the gallery a few minutes later she realized how many nurses and interns had gathered against the back wall of the gallery. As she looked on, she saw two of them lean their heads together and point down at her. Meredith felt her face grow hot and now she seriously didn't want to be here, the subject of everyone's gossip. Derek moved back from the gallery window and pulled his pager from his waistband. He looked at it and then back down into the OR at her; Meredith knew he was being paged.

"I need the size two wire-" Dr. Hahn spoke; and with a final glance up at Derek as he reluctantly left the gallery, Meredith turned back to Dr. Hahn and passed her the catheter.

* * *

Meredith pushed her way into a random bathroom on the fourth floor, barely making it to the toilet before she emptied the contents of her stomach into the bowl. The door to the stall echoed loudly as it bounced on its hinges. She coughed, breathing deeply, and barely noticed that the water was running in the sink until someone turned it off. The open stall darkened with someone's shadow; Meredith glanced up. 

"Meredith, are you okay?"

It was Callie.

"I'm fine," Meredith groaned, pushing herself off the floor.

"I can get Derek-" Callie seemed unsure.

"It's okay," Meredith shook her head. "Thanks Callie."

"Cristina," Callie offered. "I could get Cristina."

"No, Callie," Meredith leaned over the sink and pushed her bangs off her face, glancing at herself in the mirror. She looked terrible; her face was pale and cold beads of sweat dotted her forehead. She glanced back at Callie. "Thank you, though."

"You sure?" Callie seemed reluctant.

Meredith nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She managed what she hoped was a reassuring smile, "Thanks, Callie. Really."

"Okay…I'll see you later?" Callie hesitated at the door.

"Yeah," Meredith agreed, "I'll see you later."

* * *

"Hey," Cristina sat up from the top bunk in the third floor on-call room and leaned over to look at Meredith as she came into the room. "I just finished up on an emergent-hematoma with McDreamy," she bragged. "It's not cardio but…" she shrugged. 

"That's great," Meredith eased into the lower bunk, breathing rapidly.

"I know," Cristina continued, lying back and staring at the ceiling. "I'm kind of jealous you scrubbed in on Mr. Evans with Hahn…It's just a pacemaker but I'll take anything cardio-"

"Uh-huh," Meredith agreed absently.

"…Hey, are you okay?" Cristina leaned over to look back down at the lower bunk. "Meredith?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Meredith nodded quickly.

"Why are you doing that?"

"What, Cristina?"

"That. That breathing thing-"

"I'm not," Meredith insisted. "I mean, I don't know."

"Umm, okay," Cristina said, unsure. "I should get Derek."

"No," Meredith shook her head. "I'm fine, really."

Cristina slid down from the top bunk.

"What about…that." She pointed to Meredith's belly. "The McBaby."

Meredith glanced at her quizzically.

"Well, it's not really a fetus anymore, is it?" Cristina rationalized. "It's McBaby."

"You haven't been talking to Sloane," Meredith asked, "Have you?"

"No why?"

Meredith shook her head.

"No reason. Never mind."

"Okay," Cristina reached for the door.

Meredith sat up.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"I'm going to get Derek."

"Cristina, don't," Meredith insisted. "I don't want him to worry. I'm fine."

"What about the baby?" Cristina demanded.

"The baby's _fine_," Meredith convinced. "He's kicking like crazy. Feel-" she grabbed Cristina's hand and brought it to her stomach.

"Whoa-" Cristina jerked her hand back as though burned. "No thanks. I don't do touching."

"Well anyways," Meredith said slyly, "…the baby's fine."

"No cramping?" Cristina asked.

"No-"

"Abdominal pain?"

Meredith hesitated.

"A little," she admitted. "Earlier."

"Meredith!" Cristina exclaimed in disbelief.

"Cristina-" Meredith began.

"Seriously, this is not a good idea. Have you talked to your doctor? I mean-"

"Cristina-"

"-it's been awhile since my last obstetric rotation but I'm fairly sure that's _not normal. _I mean, you know I don't do babies but you're my person and we were going to do a baby shower so I'm kind of trying to be involved here-"

_"Cristina_-"

"-and…What?" Cristina just seemed to realize that Meredith had been repeating her name and paused, turning to stare at her friend.

"You should get Derek."

"What?"

"You should get Derek," Meredith repeated weakly as another wave of nausea hit her.

"Are you okay?" Cristina hesitated.

"Yeah," Meredith put a hand to her stomach and moved onto her side. "Just get him."

* * *

"Meredith-" Derek hurried down the hall towards her, "Cristina told me you weren't feeling well but I had a patient go into an absence grand mal seizure and then she was paged so she couldn't tell you and I'm sorry it took me so long…" His words jumbled together and he took a deep breath, "…Are you okay?" 

Meredith nodded.

"I just wanted you to know," she said wearily, putting the phone at the nurses' station back onto its hook.

"She said you were in the on-call room but you had already gone-"

"I had to brief my interns," Meredith explained. "We've got that sub-pial resection and we needed to do pre-op."

"I was about to head up there," Derek placed his hands against his baby, still worried. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Meredith nodded.

"I called Dr. Lee to see if she could squeeze us in after the surgery…just to be safe," she explained. "But her secretary said she had appointments until five and wasn't available."

"We could see someone here," Derek provided, concerned.

"I know," Meredith agreed. "I think I'll go down to obstetrics and talk to Dr. Vann about seeing us after the surgery," she said, glancing at her watch.

Derek nodded.

"We don't have to wait," he offered, "I could tell Richard…"

"I'll be fine," Meredith declined, "We'll just see him after your surgery and then we can go home, okay?"

"Alright," Derek agreed apprehensively. "You'll be okay?'

Meredith nodded.

"I'll be fine. I'll see you up there."

* * *

_This chapter was one of the first bits I wrote for this fic. I know it is very angst-centered, so just try and focus on how happy you are that Mer and Der are still together; it's what I do! And can I just point out than in the month since I started this fic I've written twenty chapters? (pats self on back) Enjoy, and please review! _


	21. Chapter 21

Suggested listening:

"Everything Will Be Alright"- The Killers

* * *

"You talked to Dr. Vann?" Derek asked when Meredith found him in the scrub room before surgery. 

"He was with a patient," Meredith shook her head and joined Derek at the sink. "I talked with the floor nurse and she said she was sure he could squeeze us in after the surgery."

Derek glanced over at her as she supported her weight against the edge of the sink.

"Mer?"

"Mm?" She glanced at him.

"You okay?"

Meredith took a deep breath and it was a moment before she answered:

"I'm okay."

Both of them glanced towards the door to the hallway as it was pushed open and George and another of Meredith's interns came in.

"Hey Mer, I heard about your gurney ride this morning," George said appreciatively as he squeezed in next to Derek at the sink and turned the water on.

"Who told you?" Meredith asked sheepishly.

"Alex," George answered, and then added: "And Bailey, two interns…and six nurses," he finished, counting them off on his fingers.

Meredith frowned.  
"Seriously?" she asked adamantly, "Don't you people have anything better to do with your time?"

"Hey," George said with a shrug, following as Derek backed through the door into the OR, holding it open for Meredith, "Don't ask me. I'm just an intern."

* * *

"Dr. O'Malley, the spreaders," Derek instructed. "Alright, you're going to make an incision beneath the second vertebrae…Good. Dr. Grey, secure the clamp, please." 

Derek looked up at her and his eyes searched her face.

Meredith nodded.

"Suction," she instructed the intern on her left side. She glanced at the monitor. "BP and heart rate are steady," she announced. "Watch for clots-"

"Careful of the nerve-" Derek warned, and Meredith stepped back to allow her intern room at the table. She glanced up into the gallery; Dr. Bailey was sitting in the front row with a stack of charts piled in the seat next to her. The Chief had joined her in the seat on her other side, and periodically, Bailey would look up from her paperwork as he talked to her, and lean down to watch the procedure going on in the OR.

* * *

It was another half hour into the surgery when Meredith realized that she had not felt the baby kick in awhile. She was torn between welcome relief and anxiety; there had seemed to be no end to the kicking since she and Derek had first felt the tiny movements of their baby in her bedroom almost three days before, but now -she suddenly realized- the lack of movement only made her nervous. 

And then, out of nowhere, a pain unlike any she had felt until now ripped across her abdomen and she fought the urge to cry out. Instead, an annoyingly pathetic whimper escaped her lips as she instinctively clutched a hand to her belly and grabbed onto the operating table for support.

Everyone immediately withdrew their tools and backed away from the table as it moved slightly with the weight of her support.

"Dr. Grey?" Derek's voice sounded panicked.

Meredith glanced across the operating table at him as the pain dulled and subsided. She took a deep breath.

"…Dr. Shepherd?" she asked finally.

Derek's brow was furrowed in concern and everyone in the room looked to him, waiting for him to speak.

"Are you okay?" he asked finally, and his voice was low and even.

"I'm sorry," Meredith apologized, "I'm fine."

Derek's eyes searched hers beneath his mask, and he seemed conflicted as to whether to continue. He hesitated and glanced towards the gallery window; Dr. Bailey and the Chief were both leaning forward, staring down into the OR. Finally, Bailey frowned and slowly sat back in her chair, and Derek looked back towards the patient.

"Dr. Shepherd?" a nurse questioned. The only sound in the room was the steady beep of the monitor.

"Alright," Derek nodded after a long moment, "…Let's continue."

* * *

Meredith closed her eyes and took a deep breath, finally taking the hand from her belly to adjust the intibation tubes in the patient's mouth. Derek looked incredibly nervous and Meredith could feel his gaze on her as she adjusted the monitor. 

Her chest was rising and falling quickly, and she tried to make her breath come evenly, forcing herself to calm down. George waited until no one was looking and then nudged her.

"Are you okay?" he muttered, and she nodded, trying her best to focus on the surgery.

"I'm going to need an extra set of hands for this," Derek announced a few minutes later. He glanced protectively at Meredith as George circled the table to help.

"That's perfect," Derek encouraged, "Keep pressure there. Dr. Grey-"

Meredith looked up and Derek continued:

"I need you to use the ten blade and make an incision-"

Meredith nodded and took the scalpel that the nurse handed her.

"Not too shallow," he said cautiously, "But watch for the nerve sac-"

Taking a deep breath to steady her hands, she moved forward and cut around the middle vertebrae, extending the line down the length of the spine.

"Good," Derek moved forward to take the scalpel, and then Meredith was stumbling backwards as another white-hot pain seared through her.

"Meredith-" Derek exclaimed loudly, and even though she herself knew something was horribly wrong, the tone of his voice scared her.

"...Derek," she managed to choke out, dropping the 'Dr. Shepherd' pretense she always reminded herself to use when they were working. Even now, she could see the crowd of scrub nurses and interns hovering near as it all happened, and her eyes blurred with unshed tears. She looked up and tried to focus on Derek's face, pulling her surgical mask down around her neck, but another dizzying wave of pain hit her and grew in intensity. She felt lightheaded, and found herself turning to look up through the gallery window as Dr. Bailey stood and hurried from the gallery, her files spilling to the floor.

She willed herself to unclench her fingers and the scalpel she was holding fell from her hand and landed on the floor with a clatter. Another pain ran through her and this time she bent almost double and stumbled towards the door of the OR in a blind panic.

"Meredith-"

And then Derek had her swooped up in his arms and she sobbed in pain, her hands clutching her belly.

And the sight of Meredith so helpless and unashamedly afraid terrified him.

"I'm sorry Derek," she pleaded, and vaguely noticed herself saying the words, "I'm so sorry-"

"Shhh, Mer," he soothed, but even through her escalating sobs she could sense his distress, "Everything's going to be okay-"

"Derek-" Richard pushed through the swinging doors into the OR, "You've got a patient with their _spine_ exposed laying on your table-"

"Then page someone, damnit!" Derek insisted loudly, "This is _Meredith_! He pulled off his surgical headgear and pushed it into the Chief's arms. This was his Meredith; his beautiful, pregnant, Meredith. Derek felt himself choking back panic as he pushed past Richard through the doors.

* * *

Bailey met him with a gurney in tow outside of the scrub room. 

"Here, get her on the gurney," she instructed, her voice quiet, but as Derek leaned over to lay Meredith down, she wrapped her arms around his neck and clung tightly to him.

"Derek," her breath came in ragged gasps, "I'm sorry," she repeated. "It _hurts_-"

"I know, Mer, I know." Derek heart constricted tightly with the sound of her pain, "It's going to be okay, Mer." Derek tried to console her, angry at himself because he couldn't think of anything else to say. "I'm just going to lay you down, alright…?"

"Please, Derek…"

Derek laid her on the gurney and Meredith gripped his hand tightly.

"Meredith," Dr. Bailey said soothingly, smoothing her hair back off her face. "Have you experienced any spotting; any at all?"

"No-" Meredith said loudly, gripping the sides of the gurney as she was hit with another wave of pain.

"Okay," Bailey said quickly. "Okay. What about cramping? Lower back pain?"

Meredith nodded and bit her lip.

"Today?" Bailey demanded.

"It's-" Meredith gasped, "been…a _couple_ of days…"

"Derek," Bailey said as she pushed the gurney down the hall, "I need you to page obstetrics, let them know we're coming down-"

"D-Derek…" Meredith pleaded as he pried his hand from her grasp and reached from his pager.

"I'm not leaving," Derek shakily reassured, fumbling with his pager, "I'm right here-"

"Meredith," Bailey said, as calmly as possible, "I need to know, when was your last ultrasound?"

"…Meredith?"

Derek looked up from his pager when Meredith did not answer; her chest rose and fell rapidly and her knuckles were white from her grip on the edges of the gurney. Every part of her body ached, and this was one of those extremely rare times when she wished…she wished that she had a mother who could be there for her, and hold her hand, and tell her that things were going to be okay.

Derek and Dr. Bailey shared a worried glance.

"Meredith?" Bailey repeated gently.

Meredith stared blankly at Bailey, and her breath came in small, shuddering gasps.

"Meredith," Bailey tried again, "Can you tell me when your last ultrasound was?"

"...Fift-fifteen weeks," she choked out a reply.

"Fifteen weeks?" Bailey was confused. "Not your wand ultrasound…Meredith, your last abdominal ultrasound-"

"I haven't!" Meredith began to sob harder, shaking her head.

"Derek," Bailey turned to hiss at him as they neared the elevator, "She's almost twenty-three weeks along! When was this girl's last_ appointment_?"

"Fifteen weeks," Derek concurred miserably. "I wasn't there; it was her first appointment…We -er- had to reschedule her last-"

"You-" Bailey cut him off, "Are a _damn _fool-"

"It's my fault-" Meredith interjected, "I didn't go and…_oh-_" she cried out and arched her back mid-sentence as yet another pain ripped through her. She felt warmth between her legs and looked down to see that blood had soaked through her scrubs.

And for a moment, Derek couldn't breath.

* * *

Meredith wrapped her arms around her baby bump and her sobs escalated into hysterics; she struggled to sit up. 

"She's in preterm labor," Bailey said shakily, pushing past Derek in the confined space of the elevator, "Meredith," she said quickly, "_Meredith_…listen to me. I need you to breath. Your baby _needs _you to breath-"

"I can't, please, I-I-, I can't," Meredith gasped, painfully unaware of her own instincts. After all, she was a doctor. "Please-"

"Mer, Meredith," Derek called soothingly, his voice even and steady. "You're doing so well, Mer," he swallowed hard and pinched the bridge of his nose. Inside, his heart was racing, but he was trying desperately to maintain a calm appearance… "Okay? It's okay…_you're_ okay-"

He brushed the hair from her face, tucking it behind her ears, and gave Bailey a hopeful glance. He could sense his tiny Meredith slowly calming down. His hands shook and he willed them to steady as he brought them down to her belly and laid them there. His throat ached and he wanted someone to be angry with, to _blame_ for the pain that she was in. "I-" Derek looked up at Meredith and found he could no longer speak. There was nothing more he could say; he didn't have words for the terror he was experiencing right now…

"_Meredith-_"

Derek was brought sharply back to reality by the alarmed way that Dr. Bailey had suddenly said Meredith's name. He looked at her small form on the gurney as they glided down the hall; she had suddenly gone very pale and still.

"Meredith-" Bailey said again as she pushed the gurney, "Meredith, you're doing good, just take slow, deep breaths, okay…"

Derek jogged alongside and felt hollow. Empty.

"_Meredith-_" Bailey repeated uneasily, slightly out of breath. "I need you to answer me, alright?"

Meredith mumbled something nondescript and arched her back weakly; beginning to feel numb from the continuous spasms of pain. She turned her head and watched as the walls of the hallway sailed by.

"Put her on oxygen," Bailey hastily instructed as they rounded the last corner and came into view of the obstetrics wing. Derek grabbed the mask that hung from the side of the gurney and gently slipped in over Meredith's tear-stained face as Dr. Vann ran towards them, pager in hand.

"Meredith Grey, twenty eight…twenty-two weeks pregnant," Dr. Bailey recited, passing the gurney off to Vann's team of nurses and following alongside. "Exhibits symptoms of preterm labor," she continued. "Contractions are intensifying instead of slowing-"

"When was the last contraction?" Dr. Vann was speaking to Dr. Bailey, and Meredith lay, seeing…but not really. Hearing…but not really. And then she let out another soft moan and gazed towards Derek, and he picked up her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze and laid the other hand gently on her belly as it contracted tightly.

Miranda looked down at Meredith and then slowly -apprehensively- back up to obstetric attending.

"Two minutes," she told Dr. Vann sadly. "...The contractions are two minutes apart."

And then it hit Derek. Horribly, intensely, and without warning…the realization hit him, and he was truly and completely aware of the reality of the situation. Meredith was having contractions. Meredith was five and a half months into her pregnancy and she was in labor. Meredith wasn't going to be pregnant anymore. His Meredith. His baby. It was all crashing down.

He throat was dry, and when he forced it open and spoke the voice he used didn't sound like his own. It was quiet, defeated, and it had a sense of finality about it:

"I love you, Meredith."

* * *

_Okay. So it was time for another update. And this is the first true, nerve-wracking cliffhanger of this fic. It had to be done. Mer and Der need to be together, and I surprised myself slightly by portraying Meredith as so dependant on Derek in this chapter. This is the one area where she can completely lose it…because maybe she doesn't realize it, but this is everything to her. Simply everything. And just this once, she doesn't have to worry about maintaining her independence or hiding her fear. Because she is scared, and this might just be the one time where it is too much for her to hide away. She can't. This time, she needs Derek, and this time, she knows that it's okay. Please review, and thanks so much for reading!_


	22. Chapter 22

Author's Note: Hello, everyone, and thanks so much for reading! While I'm not usually one for pre-fic ramblings, there are several things that have been weighing on my mind recently, and I feel the need for discussion. :) First off, who all saw the latest episode of _Grey's_ last night? (I should probably point out now that there is a spoiler ahead, so if you haven't seen last night's episode yet and don't want to hear about it, skip ahead). Okay, back to the episode: I have come to the conclusion that I am way, way, too invested in this show. In a seriously, I'm-a-nerd-I-need-help-kind-of-way. To the point where I swear I had angry tears of frustration threatening to spill from my eyes when McDreamy kissed McRelationship-Wrecker-Rose. I mean, seriously?! I think what bothers me the most is that under normal circumstances, I would actually _like _Rose. She seems nice and slightly interesting, and she's willing to admit she has issues in a way that doesn't come across quite as self-involved as when Meredith talks about her own problems (you know it's true!). But after everything that Mer/Der have been through? I felt cheated; like we as viewers have wasted our time and emotion investing in a relationship between Mer/Der, only to have it yanked out from under us by this. On the other hand, since this was the last episode we'll be getting for awhile because of the strike, it was a good way for Shonda to ensure that we would still be here waiting for the show's return (Come on, you know you want to know what happens!) when the strike is finally resolved. I think what bothered me the most was the way Derek looked at Meredith when she confessed that she didn't want him dating other people. I mean, ten episodes ago he was ready for a marriage and children, and now he's just standing there like he's completely over her…like he may even _pity _her, which drove me _crazy_. I will admit, the kiss in the scrub room (the scrub room people, in broad view, come on!) did have spark, but I take great joy and amusement in the fact that Patrick Dempsey's nose almost pokes out that poor actress's eye as he goes in for the kiss. (If you didn't notice it the first time, go back and watch-it's hilarious!) :) It also only reaffirms my belief that Mer/Der should be together, as their faces fit perfectly when they kiss (Yeah, waaay too involved in this show).

Okay, secondly: Normally I post a title (at the beginning of each chapter) of a song I choose that helps to convey the mood and goings-on in that specific bit of writing. They are always carefully considered; I listen to them while I write, so generally they fit well together. For this chapter, however, I really must insist that you try (if at all possible) to listen while you read. This was the fist chapter I wrote in which I picked the song afterwards, and it's absolutely amazing how well they just fell into sync together! I knew I needed a softer, somber song for this particular chapter, and I had never heard this one before; it was like it was written for this chapter (or at least I think so!) Anyways, I added the lyrics to break up the writing, and I might be doing that more often from now on. And now -thank you for putting up with my extremely long rambling- onto the story. :)

* * *

Suggested listening: 

"My Skin"- Natalie Merchant

* * *

And then it hit Derek. Horribly, intensely, and without warning…the realization hit him, and he was truly and completely aware of the reality of the situation. Meredith was having contractions. Meredith was five and a half months into her pregnancy and she was in labor. Meredith wasn't going to be pregnant anymore. His Meredith. His baby. It was all crashing down. 

He throat was dry, and when he forced it open and spoke the voice he used didn't sound like his own. It was quiet, defeated, and it had a sense of finality about it:

"I love you, Meredith."

* * *

"I love you, Meredith," Derek said again. 

"Derek…" Meredith said his name quietly, soft and breathy, as they moved her onto the bed and helped her into a hospital gown.

"I love you, Meredith," Derek stammered, "I love you. And, and- I want you to marry me-"

Dr. Bailey shot him a dark look as she helped the nurses set up the medical station.

"…What?" Meredith was overwhelmed, and her breath fogged the oxygen mask.

"Marry me, Meredith."

Derek took a step back as the nurses and Dr. Vann crowded around her, and his eyes stung as he blinked back tears.

"Don't do that-" Bailey insisted lowly, taking a step nearer to him.

"What?" Derek asked, bewildered. "Do what?"

"_That_," Bailey said, frustrated. "That 'I-love-you-please-marry-me' thing. You're going to scare her. And don't let her see you cry-" Bailey rested a reassuring hand on Derek's arm for a moment.

_Take a look at my body,_

_look at my hands_

_there's so much here that I don't understand_

_Your face-saving promises_

_whispered like prayers_

_I don't need them_

"Start a saline drip on a peripheral IV," Dr. Vann instructed. The obstetric attending looked up. "It's Dr. Grey, right?" he asked carefully.

"Meredith," she provided weakly.

"Okay Meredith," Dr. Vann nodded. "I'm just going to use these stirrups so I can measure your cervix-"

Meredith nodded and complied, distracted by Derek's sudden insistence that they marry.

"Good," Dr. Vann encouraged from the end of the bed. "We're just going to put you on some monitors, okay, Meredith?"

'_Cause I've been treated so wrong_

_I've been treated so long_

_as if I'm becoming untouchable_

"Derek?" Meredith questioned weakly. She wasn't really listening as Dr. Vann spoke; nurses were lifting her arms and pulling up her gown and attaching wire and adjusting straps and pulling at IV stands all around her. She craned her neck to see past it all and into Derek's blue eyes.

And then she saw it there. Conflict and pain clouded the wonderful intense blue of his eyes and suddenly the enormity of the situation seemed to magnify and increase.

"Derek-" she said again, suddenly panicked. And now she saw from the corner of her vision that Dr. Vann and Dr. Bailey were looking despairingly at the screen of the fetal monitor, and someone was spreading the cool gel for the ultrasound over her belly, and yet another nurse was holding her arm steady as she tried to find a vein for the IV.

_Well, contempt loves the silence_

_it thrives in the dark,_

_the fine winding tendrils that strangle my heart_

_They say that promises sweeten the blow_

_but I don't need them…_

_no, I don't need them_

All of these things came rushing at her at once, terrifying and severely over-stimulating.

"Oh my God." There was too much going on around her. She didn't know what was happening. _Why was no one telling her what was happening?_ "Oh My God. _Derek_-"

Meredith pulled the oxygen mask off over her head and struggled to sit up, yanking her arm away from the nurse. The needle of the IV was ripped painfully from her arm as the bag of saline fell to the floor.

"Derek-" she said shrilly, reaching blindly past the nurses who were trying to calm her down. She _needed _Derek. "My baby-" she said, and her voice wrenched at Derek's heart. She sat forward and clutched her stomach as another contraction registered on the monitor and built in intensity. Meredith moaned, and now her hands were covered in ultrasound gel. The color had drained from her face and Derek pushed forward and grabbed her hands as the nurses and Dr. Bailey eased her back against the pillows.

"Meredith, I need you to stay calm," Dr. Vann insisted, frantically adjusting the monitors.

"My baby-" she pleaded desperately, again and again.

"It's okay, Meredith," Derek said painfully, "It's okay. We've got to get through this-"

"_No!_" Meredith objected loudly. Her sobs were punctuated by ragged gasps as she tried to breath. "I want my baby," she insisted, again pulling away with a sudden vengeful burst of energy, her protective instinct in overdrive. "This is my _baby_…"

_I've been treated so wrong,_

_I've been treated so long,_

_as if I'm becoming untouchable_

_I'm a slow dying flower_

_in the frost killing hour_

_sweet turning sour_

_and untouchable_

"Get the IV back in her arm and push a full dose of Terbutaline-" Vann demanded.

Meredith kicked out of the stirrups and moved onto her side, folding her knees to her body.

"Meredith-" Bailey began.

"I can't!" she screamed, cutting Bailey off. Derek took a step back in surprise. "It hurts, I can't-" she clenched her slender fingers into fists and tried in vain to breath as she began to hyperventilate.

"It _hurts_," she begged, shying away from Bailey's touch, and Dr. Vann stood quickly and pulled the oxygen mask back over her face and held it there as the alarms on the monitors began to sound shrilly.

"Sedate her!" he said loudly, "Ten of Diazepam, now!"

"She can't lose-" Derek's voice caught and his throat closed tightly.

"Derek-" Bailey warned.

"She can't…" he pleaded anyways. His hands were shaking, and it was all he could choke out. It was too horrible. He reached over and grabbed one of Meredith's small hands as her fingers slowly uncurled and Dr. Bailey and the nurses timidly released their hold on her as the sedation took affect.

_Ooh I need_

_the darkness, the sweetness,_

_the sadness, the weakness_

_ooh I need this._

_Need a lullaby,_

_a kiss goodnight,_

_angel, sweet love of my life_

_ooh I need this_

Meredith's gaze up at him above the oxygen mask was unwavering now, and Derek could see the fear in her eyes. She squeezed his hand gently. The room became eerily silent without her screams. The monitors slowed as Vann and two of the nurses worked around her, and Bailey stood across from Derek and gently adjusted the IV in Meredith's arm.

There was a long, pressing moment of tension as Derek waited for someone to speak; to tell them what was going on. A small beeping alarm announced another oncoming contraction, and this time it had already reached its peak and was beginning to diminish before Meredith even seemed to register the pain. Her eyes fluttered shut and she squeezed Derek's hand tightly, and then it was over, and she let the breath she didn't know she had been holding out in a soft whoosh of air. It seemed to take forever for her to unclench her fingers from Derek's grasp and bring her shaking hand up to the oxygen mask.

"Derek-" her voice was quiet -barely there- as she pulled it away from her face. "What's happening…?" Her eyes flooded with new tears and Derek didn't know what to say.

"I-" he looked up at Bailey for help, his eyes wide and questioning.

"Meredith," Bailey gave Derek and small, understanding nod and glanced at the monitors. She hesitated, and finally decided that no answer was better for the moment. "...Meredith, you're doing good," she said calmly, fitting the mask back onto her face.

Again Meredith's hand inched up to pull down the mask.

"Please-" she asked, her voice small.

Bailey shook her head.

"We don't know right now," she said, watching as the nurse spread new gel across Meredith's stomach and began the abdominal ultrasound. Bailey reached over and angled the screen so that Meredith could not see. "I need you to leave this on," she said gently, again pulling the mask back over her face.

Meredith let a small, frustrated sob escape her lips; but she was tired…so tired. The room buzzed around her in a hazy ring of light and she heard the slow sound of Derek's voice from somewhere above her. It echoed strangely through her ears and seemed very far away. She felt nervous, but she couldn't remember why, and she looked up into the eyes of the woman above her and felt herself frown as another pain grew from somewhere deep in her belly and traveled through her body.

_I'm a slow dying flower_

_frost killing hour_

_the sweet turning sour_

_and untouchable_

Derek stood above Meredith and tried to discern the low, reverent voices of Dr. Vann and the nurses as they worked. With shaking, unsteady fingers he stoked her hair and bent to press a kiss to her forehead. Meredith gazed past him, her grip on his hand was lessening and she felt cold and clammy, and too pale. Derek could see her breath fogging the oxygen mask as she tried to speak; she no longer seemed to have to the strength to even pull it away from her face. Suddenly, on the urge of some deep, basic instinct, Derek grew frantic and leaned down to pull it off of her.

"Derek-" Bailey objected.

"What?" Derek asked, ignoring Bailey and speaking to Meredith. "Mer, what did you say?"

_Do you remember the way that you touched me before,_

_all the trembling sweetness_

_I loved and adored…_

_Your face-saving promises_

_whispered like prayers._

_I don't need them_

"Her BP's dropping-" Bailey said suddenly. "Dr. Vann, she's diastolic-"

"_Meredith_-" Derek said quickly. He straightened up and saw blood on the sheets between her legs.

"Push a diuretic," Vann said loudly. "Get her on her left side-"

Derek was forced to move back as Dr. Bailey and the nurse gently moved her onto her side.

"Meredith," Bailey said as the heart monitor began to emit a shrill round of alarms, "Meredith, listen to me…_focus _on me-"

"She's in the range for hypertension," Dr. Vann said grimly, pulling a reading off the monitor. "I need 1.5mg of Indapamide-"

"Meredith," Derek pushed his way to her beside. "_Please_-"

"Derek…" she bit her bottom lip and looked past Bailey, and Derek saw it there; the fear the he knew was surely reflected in his own eyes.

"Meredith, it's going to be okay-" Derek reassured, terrified that it wasn't true. Her hand made a small movement toward his and he reached forward and grabbed it. "Mer…?"

Meredith's eyes had drifted closed, and they fluttered back open at the sound of her name.

"I'm sorry…" she said softly.

_I need the darkness, the sweetness,_

_the sadness, the weakness,_

_ooh I need this._

_I need a lullaby,_

_a kiss goodnight,_

_angel, sweet love of my life_

_ooh, I need this_

_Well, is it dark enough,_

_can you see me?_

_do you want me?_

_can you reach me?_

_or I'm leaving…_

_You better shut your mouth_

_and hold your breath_

_you kiss me now,_

_you catch your death_

_Oh I mean this…_

_oh I mean this…_

* * *

_Lastly, I am beginning to realize how many Mer/Der/Baby fics there are out there…and I really wanted to get your opinion on this. I find that a lot of things I've written usually lean towards baby-centric…but I like baby stories (shrugs). I don't, however, want to redo the same thing that everyone else does, so I hope my story brings something different to the table. What do you think? Please let me know! PS- I've been working on several new fics to be posted soonish…some Addison, Cristina, Alex, Lexie, and yes (dare I say it) Rose! dun dunn! I'm trying to incorporate some of the other characters into my fics now because they are all so much fun to write! Although like I've said, I am -first and foremost- a Mer/Der fan and I will always write stories about them! Hope you enjoyed the chapter; cheers and thanks again!_


	23. Chapter 23

Author's Note: I wanted to start off with a 'thank you' to all of those who have read and reviewed…or even just read! It's great to see my fic being received so well. If it's not obvious by the amount of songs I am constantly suggesting you listen to while you read, I'll emphasize: I love music! I am very interested in the relationship between music and film and music and the written word. And while I am not lucky enough to have a wonderful television series where I can feature new and upcoming musical picks each week…I do have a intense interest in the area. For me, it's hard to imagine any kind of visual entertainment without its musical partner. That being said, because the last chapter was so particularly intense, I decided to include the lyrics to intersect the writing, instead of my usual page breaks. I've never been particularly compelled towards songfics, and I think that for the most part I am just going to keep it down to one suggested listen per chapter. In the unusual and infrequent chance that I decided to include another oh-so-dramatic chapter in the future of this fic, I think I'll do it again…just because I personally feel like it enhances the suspense. Again, thanks so much to _all _of you guys!

* * *

Suggested listening: 

"Fix You"- Coldplay

* * *

"Her BP's dropping-" Bailey said suddenly. "Dr. Vann, she's diastolic-" 

"_Meredith_-" Derek said quickly. He straightened up and saw blood on the sheets between her legs.

"Push a diuretic," Vann said loudly. "Get her on her left side-"

Derek was forced to move back as the Dr. Bailey and the nurse gently moved her onto her side.

"Meredith," Bailey said as the heart monitor began to emit a shrill round of alarms, "Meredith, listen to me…_focus _on me-"

"She's in the range for hypertension," Dr. Vann said grimly, pulling a reading off the monitor. "I need 1.5mg of Indapamide-"

"Meredith," Derek pushed his way to her beside. "_Please_-"

"Derek…" she bit her bottom lip and looked past Bailey, and Derek saw it there; the fear the he knew was surely reflected in his own eyes.

"Meredith, it's going to be okay-" Derek reassured, terrified that it wasn't true. Her hand made a small movement toward his and he reached forward and grabbed it. "Mer…?"

Meredith's eyes had drifted closed, and they fluttered back open at the sound of her name.

"I'm sorry…" she said softly.

* * *

"_Meredith-"_ Derek couldn't tell if she heard him, her eyes had taken on a distant look and she gazed blankly past him towards the wall. 

"BP still falling-" Bailey's voice took on a dizzying quality as it reached his ears, and Derek grew frantic. He took an unsure step forward and squeezed Meredith's hand, but it remained cool and unmoving against his own.

"Push another round of Indapamide-" Vann instructed.

"Miranda-" Derek struggled to form words as he watched things within the room slowly spiral out of control. _Was Meredith dying?_ Derek tried to push the thought from his mind; he wanted to believe he was overreacting, but a tiny seed of doubt had implanted itself in his mind and grew until it became one repetitive, blossoming thought: Things like this happened, and they happened everyday. And now it was happening to Meredith.

The persistent sound of the monitors, the nurses, the uneasy glances, it was all becoming too much. And now Meredith was unresponsive, and Derek didn't have a purpose except to stand there, completely at a loss.

"Miranda-" he said again, and a touch of desperation tinged his words.

It took Bailey a long moment to look up, but finally she did, and an expression of dawning understanding crossed her face.

"Okay, Derek," she said, crossing to the other side of the bed. "Come on-"

"What? No-" Derek shook his head as Bailey directed him towards the door, "I have to stay-"

"Derek we're doing everything we can," Bailey insisted softly.

"No," Derek cut her off loudly, "No you're _not_, because I need to be in here-"

"Derek-"

"I _need _to be in here-" he heard the irrational sound of his own voice, "and-" he died off as he caught sight of the hallway through the glass window in the door.

Izzie, Alex, Cristina, and George stood crowded outside the door, staring somberly into the room. George still had his surgical gown draped over his scrubs, and Derek vaguely remembered now that he had been assisting in the spinal surgery…although that seemed like ages ago now. Even Cristina looked worried; her face was unusually pale, and Derek found himself trying to read her expression.

Bailey paused in her insistence and followed Derek's gaze.

"My God…" she exclaimed with a slow, disbelieving shake of her head, although just the slightest bit unsurprised.

Derek felt a sudden, great rush of appreciation for Meredith's friends, but found himself turning to Bailey in desperation.

"Don't make me go out there, Miranda, I can't," he insisted, "Please. I need to be in here-"

"…Fine," Bailey said quickly, unwilling to argue. But she felt the smallest touch of pride for her residents and how loyal they were to one another; they had always had a weird sense for knowing things when it came to one of their own. "Just stay back," she warned Derek as she hurried back to Meredith's bedside.

* * *

Derek nodded and stared silently after Bailey. A million thoughts ran through his head: except for the first grainy, black and white sonogram, Derek had never seen his baby. He had never got to watch as the baby moved on the screen during an ultrasound, or heard it's heartbeat. He hadn't got to fully enjoy his beautiful, pregnant Meredith as she carried their child, and he hadn't even told his family yet. He felt cheated, like things had come and gone way too quickly, without time for him to even get a chance to truly appreciate them. 

And then, as Derek stood and fought to push away his despairing thoughts, he felt a shift in the room, and looked up. The monitors had suddenly stabilized, their alarms fading…the shrill, incessant beeping falling back into a rhythmic pattern.

Dr. Bailey looked up at Dr. Vann and they shared a small, hopeful look. The nurses in the room looked surprised as the blood pressure and heart rate on both Meredith and the fetal monitor evened out, and Derek let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding.

_Meredith was fighting._

* * *

Derek's throat ached with suppressed emotion and he took a small step forward, encouraged. Dr. Vann was speaking to the nurses and Dr. Bailey, but somehow his words were not reaching Derek's ears. All he knew was that the voices of his colleagues were no longer hushed and grim; this time, they were tinged with hope, and slightly amazed. 

"BP stabilizing, fetal heart rate steady-" Bailey announced, unable to keep the awe from her voice. She glanced back at Derek and motioned him forward. Derek hesitated, slightly overwhelmed as one nurse carried past surgical linen stained with blood, while another helped Dr. Bailey gently ease Meredith off of her side for another ultrasound.

Meredith blinked, her eyes wide and calm, her hands white as she gripped the arm of the nurse and laid back onto the pillows. She was still pale beneath the oxygen mask, but she was awake -aware and calm- and that was something. Even the contractions on the monitor had slowed and no longer registered.

"How are you doing, Meredith?" Dr. Vann asked from the end of the bed as he worked, "You okay?"

Meredith's eyes flickered to rest on Derek for a moment before she looked back to Dr. Vann and nodded.

"Good," Dr. Vann assured soothingly, "You're doing good. You're going to feel some pressure, alright-"

Derek stood frozen, halfway between the bed and the door, afraid to hope. Meredith winced and gripped tightly to Bailey's hand, letting her head fall back to rest against the pillows as Dr. Vann maneuvered the probe ultrasound between her legs, his eyes glued to the screen.

Derek shot a quick glance over his shoulder towards the door; Izzie's eyes were red with tears and she gripped George's shoulders tightly. The look on Cristina's face was still impassive and vague, the only giveaway was the nervous way she was chewing on her bottom lip. Even Alex looked apprehensive.

Derek turned back to face Dr. Vann as he angled the screen of the ultrasound monitor, and the gaze of every person in the room followed his movements.

…And then they heard it, and a collective sigh of relief echoed throughout the room.

A heartbeat. Small, but steady.

Dr. Vann gave a conclusive nod, and the nurses shared an appreciative glance. Outside in the hall, Izzie flung her arms around George and Alex grinned; even Bailey looked shaken.

But Derek's eyes were glued to the monitor, and he reveled in the sound of that heartbeat.

And then finally -slowly- Meredith lifted her head from the pillows and looked up at the monitor, amazed and grateful and relieved all at once.

And once she was sure -absolutely sure- that what she was hearing was a heartbeat; a wonderful, tiny, incredible heartbeat, she put her hands to her belly and burst into tears.

* * *

_So…what do you think? Short, but I broke it into two parts so I could update sooner. I'll be finishing up on the next update tomorrow and it will basically help to explain the goings-on from the last two chapters. I'm so extremely concerned about making sure that the things I write are actually true and possible; this was well researched, believe me! Painstakingly so, to be quite honest. I'll admit, when I started to read some of the reviews of the last chapter, I had a moment of unsure hesitation…I've had the basics down for this fic since the first chapter; but when I started to see some of the response, my decision between Mer/Der having the baby or losing it was suddenly not quite as concrete in my mind. In the end (and as you can see), I decided to push ahead with my original thought…and the baby lives. Happy? Disappointed? I won't know unless you tell me… :)_


	24. Chapter 24

Suggested listening:

"Same Mistake"- James Blunt

* * *

Derek turned back to face Dr. Vann as he angled the screen of the ultrasound monitor, and the gaze of every person in the room followed his movements. 

…And then they heard it, and a collective sigh of relief echoed throughout the room.

A heartbeat. Small, but steady.

Dr. Vann gave a conclusive nod, and the nurses shared an appreciative glance. Outside in the hall, Izzie flung her arms around George and Alex grinned; even Bailey looked shaken.

But Derek's eyes were glued to the monitor, and he reveled in the sound of that heartbeat.

And then finally -slowly- Meredith lifted her head from the pillows and looked up at the monitor, amazed and grateful and relieved all at once.

And once she was sure -absolutely sure- that what she was hearing was a heartbeat; a wonderful, tiny, incredible heartbeat, she put her hands to her belly and burst into tears.

* * *

_Derek jerked a hand through his hair and paced back and forth, only slightly relieving some of his anxiety. He turned to face Dr. Vann. _

_"So, she'll be okay?" he asked. "I mean, the contractions have stopped-"_

_"The contractions have stopped," Dr. Vann agreed with a nod. _

_"And that's good." Derek looked to the obstetric attending for conformation. "That's good, right?"_

_"That's good," Dr. Vann repeated. "But it took two full doses of Tetrabuline just to slow them, and Meredith's going to feel the effects of that for a few days…"_

_Derek heaved a sigh and nodded. _

_"And the baby?"_

_"Underwent a severe amount of stress," Dr. Vann said truthfully. "Premature labor to the extent of what happened today can have serious long-term effects. Right now, the baby's responding well, and that's a good sign-"_

_"And Meredith?" Derek asked shortly, "What about Meredith?"_

_"She was severely dehydrated and her blood pressure was all over the place. She's showing most of the signs for hypertension, which puts her at a risk for preeclampsia later in the pregnancy. It's probably hereditary-"_

_"Ellis. Her mother had high blood pressure," Derek pointed out, recalling the time he had desperately worked to save the life of Meredith's mother._

_Dr. Vann nodded. _

_"We started a saline drip, and that will help to balance things out," he continued, flipping through her chart, "The Tetrabuline, to stop the contractions. Her blood pressure dipped severely; she was diastolic, and we gave her 3mg of Indapamide for that." Dr. Vann looked up. "And then Diazepam…as a sedative."_

* * *

Meredith had been drifting in and out for the last hour, but Derek had been sitting at her beside since his talk with Dr. Vann. He swiped quickly at his eyes and looked up hopefully as she shifted; but she merely sighed and unconsciously put a hand to her belly, still under the after-effects of the sedative. 

A small smile tugged at his lips when he saw how motherly she was even in subconscious, and it only made him love her more. The door was quietly pushed open and a nurse came in and adjusted the monitors. Derek adverted his eyes, wiping them on his sleeve as she made a note in Meredith's chart and left. It was a while before he looked up again, but when he did, his eyes traveled painfully over Meredith's small body.

She looked pale and -if possible- thinner than usual; as if every ounce of her was going towards supporting the swollen curve of her belly. Her eyes were closed, but there were tired shadows underneath, and Derek was angry at himself for never noticing this before.

He hadn't been there for her, he realized now. Not really. Not in the way she had needed. He should have supported her instead of chastising her; he should have insisted that she slow down. His heart wrenched painfully and he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut tightly.

When he opened them, he laid a gentle hand against her belly and waited to feel the soft flutter of the baby's kick, but none came.

He sighed and nodded.

"You're tired," he whispered sadly, letting his hand follow the rise of Meredith's stomach. "…Your mom's tired, too. But she loves you so much, so you have to be okay…"

He moved his hand so that it was resting on top of Meredith's on her belly, and gazed around. There were wires and monitors everywhere; connected to the fetal monitor that was strapped around the swell of Meredith's belly, attached to the sensors that were taped onto her chest and above her ribs, snaking around the IV stand to connect to the heart monitor.

The doctor side of Derek knew that these were essential and possibly life-saving things, but now -and here- they just seemed overwhelming.

His eyes fell upon the angry purple bruise that trailed Meredith's arm, the result of the IV ripping out of her in her earlier distress. She looked cold, dressed in only the thin hospital gown, and he pulled the scratchy sheets of the bed up further around her with a sigh.

The steady rate of the heart monitor began to increase and Meredith stirred. Derek straightened up to look at her and this time, her eyes flickered open.

"…Meredith?"

She blinked and lifted a smooth hand to his face.

"Derek."

"Meredith," Derek said again, and his voice broke with a relieved sob. "…Hi."

Her eyes flickered closed again and she took a deep breath, letting her hand fall back down to her belly.

"Hi," she answered hoarsely.

"I-" Derek shook his head and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes.

"…Derek?" Meredith's voice was soft, her eyes concerned. She ran her fingers through his hair and took his hand in hers, covering it with both of her own and placing it against her stomach.

"Derek?" she repeated gently. "It's okay…" she hesitated, and her voice shook slightly. "Right?"

Derek cleared his throat and looked up.

"Yeah, it's okay," he said finally, reaching out and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Good." Meredith smiled, and her eyes flicked closed again, her breathing slow and deep. For a moment Derek thought she had fallen asleep, until she opened her eyes again and they were bright with unshed tears.

"Good," she repeated in a small voice, and the first tear slipped down her cheek. "That's good." She swiped a small hand beneath her eyes and bit her bottom lip, but not before a small sob had escaped her throat, wrenching painfully at Derek's heart.

* * *

Derek stood in the doorway to Meredith's room, the murmur of her conversation with Cristina echoing faintly into the hall. It was mostly dark in the room, a small lamp on the table beside the bed and the light slanting in from the hallway; a yellowish glow obstructed slightly by Derek's shadow. Outside, rain ran down the windows in tiny, soothing rivulets, glinting and dripping and forming patterns on the glass. 

It was late, and way past visiting hours; Dr. Bailey had insisted that Cristina and her fellow residents wait until the following day to see Meredith. Cristina, however, was on call and had pushed and insisted until Meredith had finally asked Derek to let her in.

Derek sighed and leaned against the door frame, listening to the soft sound of Meredith's laugh float past. _They_ hadn't really even had a chance to talk yet; most of the evening had been spent running tests and checking monitors, and Richard had come in as soon as he had finished Derek's surgery, and then Cristina had been there…and Derek was left with a heavy feeling of resentment in the pit of his stomach.

"…Derek?" He turned at the sound of his name, uncrossing his arms.

"Dr. Vann-" he greeted when he saw who it was.

"Call me Robert," the obstetric attending replied, glancing into Meredith's room. "…How's she doing?"

"Better," Derek nodded, following his gaze, "Is everything…?"

"Everything looks good," Dr. Vann reassured with a nod, "She's very lucky."

"I-" Derek struggled for words, "…I know. And…thank you."

Dr. Vann nodded modestly and pulled Meredith's chart from beside the door.

"I talked to Meredith's obstetrician at Mercy West, an Amanda Lee…?" he glanced up for conformation, and Derek nodded. "She agreed that it's best to keep Meredith on with an OB-GYN here," he continued, and then added: "…At least for now."

"I'd actually prefer it," Derek consented.

"Good," Robert nodded. "I've scheduled Meredith for an amniocentesis on Thursday-"

"Is that necessary?" Derek clarified, "…The amnio, I mean?"

"Meredith and the baby are doing well now," Dr. Vann explained, and then hesitated. "But premature labor is a huge stress to an infant at any stage, and since Meredith is still in her second trimester, I'd feel uncomfortable if we didn't."

Derek nodded and ran a hand across his jaw.

"We're going to wait a day before we do the amnio," he continued. "I'd like for her to have time to recuperate…It's usually a pretty simple process, but I don't want to risk any unnecessary stress on either of them…" he looked up at Derek. "Dr. Lee said neither of you knew the sex yet?"

Derek shook his head.

"Alright, we'll follow with another abdominal ultrasound after the amnio on Thursday. She'll be close to twenty-four weeks anyways," he said, marking it down on the chart.

Derek opened his mouth to respond but was cut short by a loud yell:

"Derek!"

He spun, looking around for its source, and was slightly bemused to see Mark nearly running down the hall towards them.

"Derek," he said again, drawing near with them. "I heard, but I was in surgery. Richard wouldn't let me come down…I swear cranial reconstruction has never gone that slowly-" he paused, slightly out of breath, "Anyway, I came as soon as I could." He hesitated, gauging Derek's reaction. "…Is she okay?"

Derek nodded and shot Vann an apologetic glance. The shrill beep of a pager -slightly muffled- interrupted his next words, and Robert pulled his pager from his pocket and glanced at it.

"I'll check in later," he supplied quickly, clipping his pager onto his waistband and hurrying off down the hall.

Derek turned back to face Mark.

"Well, where is she? What happened?" Mark demanded.

"Preterm labor-" Derek began, "And don't go in there-" he added quickly, catching up to Mark and blocking the entrance to Meredith's room.

"Why?" Mark looked apprehensive.

"Because_ I _haven't even got to see her," Derek insisted, "And she's supposed to be resting…"

Mark leaned past Derek to see through the window into Meredith's room.

"Yang's in there!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"Yeah well, Cristina's her 'person'," Derek grumbled.

"If Yang's in there, I get to be in there-" Mark declared. "I'm way more supportive than her," he jested, and then added, "And not nearly as cynical. Plus, I'm charming, good-looking…"

"What does _that _have to do with anything?" Derek interrupted.

"I'm _McSteamy_-" Mark provided, grinning prominently, "McSteamy tops all."

"Well, not tonight," Derek said, shaking his head at his friend's conceited humor.

"But I'm in the _running_," Mark insisted, "I have to secure my position-"

"The running?" Derek asked. "The running for what?"

"Godparent," Mark explained, exasperated. "If Yang thinks she's getting it…" he died off, craning to see into the room.

Derek couldn't tell if he was being serious, and only just bit back a reply as the door was pulled open and Cristina came out.

"Sly…" Mark accused loudly, "Very sly-"

Cristina turned to stare blankly at Mark, and for a moment Derek thought she was going to ask Mark what he was talking about.

"…Aside from the fact that I'm her person," she said finally, her voice cool and composed, "I'm a kick-ass surgeon, and I'm going to make an excellent godparent-"

"Not fair!" Mark interrupted, "I was in surgery…Derek-" he insisted, turning away from Cristina, "I'm your best friend; I was your _best man-_"

"That doesn't count…" Cristina interjected.

Derek took advantage of their bickering to slip unnoticed into the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Meredith was on her side -per Dr. Vann's instructions- a supporting hand wrapped beneath the curve of her belly.

Her eyes followed him as he moved across the room, and she lifted her head slightly to plant a kiss against his jaw as he slipped out of his shoes and laid down on the bed beside her.

"So, Cristina…" Derek said carefully.

The monitors beeped slowly, the only sound in the dim room, and Meredith waited for him to continue.

"…She doesn't really strike me as the motherly type," he continued finally.

"No," Meredith agreed after a moment, shaking her head.

Derek hesitated.

"…Or_ godmother_," he finished.

Meredith sighed.

"_Self-appointed _godmother," she clarified, turning to look up at him. "I was actually thinking…Mark?"

"Mark?" Derek repeated.

"Well…" she gave a small shrug.

"But what about Cristina?" Derek backtracked.

"We could have god_parents_," Meredith suggested, "And then we could have both…"

Derek was quiet, and Meredith looked up at him.

"…Did you have someone else in mind?"

Derek remained silent, and it took Meredith a long moment to move off of her side and look up at him.

"Derek?" she asked quietly.

"You're supposed to be on your side," Derek mumbled.

"Fine," she said tersely.

Meredith pulled impatiently at the wires of the monitor and moved off her back and onto her right side so that she was facing Derek completely.

"Your _left _side," Derek clarified.

"_Derek_-" Meredith insisted.

Derek frowned, but at Meredith's pointed gaze, he opened his mouth and the words came out in one quick jumble:

"I meant what I said."

"…What?"

"I meant what I said, earlier," Derek repeated. "I want you to marry me. I want to get married."

Meredith blinked.

"Oh."

Derek furrowed his brow, and Meredith felt him tense.

"_Oh?_" Derek repeated. The statement was full of resent, and it hung there for a moment between them.

"…Oh." Meredith said again. She pulled at her hospital bracelet, and finally looked up at him. "I…I think so too," she frowned, and exhaled a frustrated sigh. "I mean, I _want _to…I think so, too-"

Derek pulled back to look at her as she rambled and she averted her eyes, still picking nervously at her hospital bracelet.

"-Yes," Meredith continued resolutely, "I want to. Let's. Get married, I mean. I-" she fidgeted apprehensively, and finally glanced up at him. "Yes," she sighed, and she reached up and touched Derek's cheek with a soft hand. "I do. I will."

"Meredith-" Derek questioned gently as the first few tears slipped down her cheeks, "What…?" he died off, and she chewed her bottom lip.

"I'm sorry," she shook her head, and her voice sounded small. "I just…I love you, Derek."

"Shh…" Derek consoled, wiping her cheek. "I love you, too."

* * *

_Hi! I hope everyone had a happy holiday...This is the longest I've ever been without updating, and it drove me crazy! Thanks so much for the reviews on the last chapter, you all are amazing! I was a little apprehensive about posting this chapter because it still has more to go, but I ran a word count and it turned out to be one of my top three longest chapters...so I hope you enjoy! Now that these crazy last few weeks are coming to a close, I hope to update again soon! _


	25. Chapter 25

Suggested listening:

"Together"- Garrison Starr

* * *

Derek's pager beeped shrilly and his eyes slid from the OR board and down to the waistband of his jeans as he unclipped it from his belt. 

"Hey," Mark joined him at the OR board and began to mark in his surgery slots. "I thought Chief gave you the week off?" he asked, capping the marker and turning to face Derek.

"He did," Derek explained, glancing at his pager. "I had a few minutes before Meredith's appointment…"

"Oh," Mark kept his reply casual. "So I was thinking. Godfather and best man for the impending nuptials too much?"

Derek had been about to take a sip of coffee and quickly pulled the styrofoam cup away from his lips.

"How did you-?" he began incredulously.

"Yang," Mark answered bitterly. "She made it a point to rub it in that she knew first. And if she's going to be the maid of honor, I _have _to be the best man. And godfather," he added quickly.

"We'll see," Derek said absently.

"_We'll see_?" Mark repeated, disbelieving.

"I just…I didn't know Meredith had told anyone yet."

"She must be excited," Mark reasoned.

"Yeah," he answered, distracted. "She must be excited…" He held up his pager. "That's her, I've really got to go-"

"Good luck, man."

Derek hesitated and glanced back at his friend.

"…Yeah, thanks."

* * *

Derek paused for a moment outside the door to Meredith's room to arrange his face into what he hoped was a reassuring smile. He took a shallow breath and slipped in through the partially open door. Meredith sat up when she saw him and placed her pager on the table beside the bed. 

"You ready?" Derek asked carefully, and his eyes traveled across her face.

Meredith took a deep breath, but still her voice came out barely above a whisper:

"Yeah." She sat up further against the pillows and her hand shook slightly as she reached out and took Derek's in her own. "…Yeah."

"It's going to be okay," Derek reassured.

"Yeah." It seemed to be all Meredith could say. "I know," she added finally. "I've told people that before. I know."

"Okay," Derek answered simply.

"Okay," Meredith echoed.

* * *

"How are you doing, Meredith?" Dr. Vann asked as he entered the room. A nurse trailed him with a tray of instruments, and she quietly pushed the door closed. 

"Okay," Meredith replied with an exhale. "I'm fine."

"Good," Vann said lightly. "This shouldn't take very long; but we're going to start off with an abdominal ultrasound. Are you ready to know the sex of your baby?"

Meredith remained silent, her nimble fingers fidgeting anxiously with Derek's hand. Dr. Vann's warm smile and cheerful optimism seemed lost on her, and Derek glanced sideways apprehensively, sensing a freak-out.

"Mer?" he questioned gently. He squeezed her hand.

Meredith gave her head a sharp shake, squeezing her eyes shut.

"…Meredith," Derek said soothingly. The nurse pulled on her gloves and Derek cautiously pulled the hem of Meredith's hospital gown up over the rise of her belly.

Dr. Vann glanced at Derek and Derek gave a solemn nod. _Go ahead. _

The nurse uncapped the ultrasound gel and Vann turned on the screen of the ultrasound monitor. He aimed a final apprehensive glance in Meredith's direction before turning back to give the nurse a nod of consent.

"Okay, this is going to be cold," Dr. Vann said unnecessarily, shifting his stool closer to Meredith's bedside. Derek's eyes remained on Meredith as the nurse spread the cool gel across her belly; the soft rise and fall of her chest, the downward curve of her bottom lip, the tight grip she kept on his hand.

Vann ran the probe of the ultrasound in a careful arc across the width of her stomach and a pleased look settled on his face almost immediately.

"There's the heartbeat-" he announced, and the monitor kicked into life as the room filled with the steady sound.

"Sounds good," he said aloud. "Very strong-" He paused, cast another hesitant glance in Meredith's direction.

"Hear that?" Derek asked quietly, trying not to pressure her, "The heartbeat's strong." Vann continued to maneuver the machine against Meredith's skin.

"_Her_ heartbeat's strong," he corrected softly, studying the screen of the monitor.

"Her?" Derek's gaze flitted towards the smiling nurse and back to Meredith, who was suddenly staring intently at the screen.

"Her," Meredith echoed, and the words fell softly from her lips. "…_Her_," she said again after a moment, and this time Derek could hear the tears behind the strain of her voice. She reached out with her free hand and deftly ran her finger tip across the image on the screen. "Her," she said a third time, as if testing out the sound of it.

"She's so small," she observed tearfully, and her hand fell away from the screen. The image moved as Vann shifted the probe instrument, and as they watched the baby gave a tiny but distinct kick, and Meredith's eyes widened in surprise.

Dr. Vann smiled.

"She's doing well," he assured, passing the probe across to the nurse, who kept it positioned against Meredith's belly. Finally, Meredith tore her eyes away from their baby and pulled Derek towards her in a quick kiss. She kept a soft grip on his hand, but almost immediately her gaze had turned back to the screen, and Derek smiled.

"It's a girl," he said happily, watching the tiny image. "We're getting married, and we're having a girl."

Meredith felt her grin falter slightly, but quickly recovered, and she dimly heard the doctor congratulating them. She deliberately kept her telling eyes trained away from Derek, but a nervous feeling began to grip her as she watched Dr. Vann lay out the instruments for the amnio.

"Alright, Meredith," the doctor said finally. "I'm sure you've seen an amnio before?"

"Yes," Meredith managed, and she gave a quick nod.

"Okay, I'm going to need you flat on your back," he instructed, pulling on a fresh pair of gloves. The nurse lifted the probe and stepped back as Derek helped Meredith ease onto her back. Her chest rose and fell quickly now, and it was recorded onto one of the monitors, which noted this with an increased tone as it measured her heart rate. The nurse place the probe back to Meredith's stomach and the ultrasound image reappeared on the monitor.

Dr. Vann glanced up.

"Everything okay?" he asked. "Derek's going to hold your hand, and I just need you to stay relaxed and take deep, even breaths, alright?"

"Yes," Meredith said softly. She narrowed her eyes and tried to concentrate on her baby on the screen. Dr. Vann wiped away the gel from a spot beneath her belly button and cleansed it with iodine. His voice was low as he instructed the nurse, and he deliberately kept the long, hollow needle out of Meredith's line of sight as he watched the screen.

Derek kissed the top of Meredith's hand, but his gaze was intent on the doctor's hands as he lowered the needle towards her belly.

"Alright, Meredith," he began slowly. "You'll probably feel a slight pressure, but I need you to lie still," he explained. "You're going to feel the needle and I need you to tell me if you feel any cramping. It won't take very long once the needle is in…" he positioned the hollow syringe. "You ready?"

Meredith's gaze slide up to the ceiling and she bit her lip.

"Yes."

"Okay."

There was a brief silence as Dr. Vann inserted the needle; the only sign that Meredith had even felt it was the way her grip on Derek's hand tightened as she bit down hard on her bottom lip. On the screen, their baby gave a swift kick and Vann paused. The nurse kept the probe against Meredith's stomach and the image remained on the screen. After a moment, the needle slid slowly into view on the ultrasound.

"Feeling any pressure, Meredith?"

"I'm fine." She kept her gaze on the ceiling.

"Good," Vann said expertly. "Almost there-"

"Ow-" Meredith fought the urge to recoil as a sharp cramp burned suddenly through her abdomen.

"Meredith-" Derek gripped her hand and smoothed her hair back, glancing anxiously at the doctor.

"_Oh_-" Meredith's voice was filled with pain and she tensed, her knuckles white as she squeezed his hand. Dr. Vann instructed the nurse in a low tone, but his eyes remained on the image on the screen.

"Listen to me, okay? I need you to relax…Take slow breaths, we're almost done-" he shot Derek an emphatic look and Derek jumped in.

"Almost done, Mer," he reassured. "Can you believe it? A girl! And you're doing so well-"

Meredith squeezed her eyes tightly shut and only half contained a sob. She felt stupid, but it _hurt. _

_Why was pregnancy turning out to be so hard?_

* * *

The amniotic fluid was quickly filling the syringe, but it felt like an eternity to Derek. He felt useless, a feeling he seemed to be experiencing more and more often the further Meredith progressed into her pregnancy. Finally, Dr. Vann carefully but quickly extracted the needle, and now the sound of their baby's heartbeat filled the room again as the nurse monitored the image on the screen. 

Underneath the sound of the heartbeat came the incessant ring of a pager, and it took Derek almost a full minute to realize it was his. He pulled it out and glanced at it, a slight frown lining his face. Meredith swiped at her eyes and waited, and Derek looked up and explained:

"It's a 911."

"..Go." Meredith encouraged.

Derek hesitated.

"…He wouldn't page me unless they really needed me."

"I know." Meredith gave an understanding nod. "It's okay…Go."

Derek seemed unable to make a decision until his pager again began to go off with the 911 page. He took in the sight before him: Meredith, on her back on the exam table, pale but understanding; the nurse, the fetal monitor, the ultrasound machine, the blood pressure cuff…He kissed Meredith on the forehead and felt the soft touch of her fingertips linger on his arm.

"I'll be right back," he spoke finally.

"I know."

"Okay," Derek glanced appreciatively at Vann and the doctor gave him an understanding nod in return.

"Okay," Meredith echoed. And on some small, dark-and-twisty level, Meredith was relieved to see him go.

* * *

"…Mer?" Derek had been in surgery for the past four and a half hours with the 911 page, and was only just making it back to Meredith's hospital room. He was still in his scrubs, and he took a few steps further into the quiet room, hesitant. "Mer?" She was on her side on the bed, and her back was to him. He could see from his position by the door that the fetal monitor was again strapped across her belly, and he considered leaving to let her sleep. He was backing for the partially open door when he heard Meredith sigh and turn to look over her shoulder at him. 

"Derek?"

"I thought you were sleeping." He neared the bed, glancing at the monitors. "…How're you feeling?"

"Fine." She moved closer to Derek as he settled onto the bed next to her. "How was the surgery?"

"The patient coded. There was too much damage."

"I'm sorry."

Derek kissed the top of her head, thinking about his conversation with Mark at the OR board that morning.

"…I was thinking," he began finally, "Once you're doing better and things are back on track…you could meet my family. My family could meet you," he rephrased. "…Maybe at Christmas?"

Meredith was quiet, and Derek quickly pushed the idea.

"It's only a couple of weeks away, and they could fly out here, stay the week. Or less, if that's too much," he added hurriedly. "I still haven't told them about the baby…And now we're getting married…" he died off. "I just think it would be a good idea," he finished. "Usually my sisters spend time with their in-laws," he spoke into the pressing silence. "But Nancy…and maybe Kathleen? And my mother, and…" he drifted into another long silence. "…Meredith?" he asked finally.

"Yes."

"What do you think?"

"Great." She spoke a little too quickly, and the sound of her voice bothered her. The idea of spending a week with Derek's mother and sisters and their families mortified her. She could almost feel Derek's anticipating gaze, so she took a suffocating breath and tried again:

"Great. It sounds great, Derek."

"Really?"

She closed her eyes and took another breath.

"Uh-huh. Really."

Meredith imagined the smile on Derek's face as he drew her closer to him, into his encompassing arms. His chest was broad and solid against her back, and as he put his hands protectively on the rise of her stomach, Meredith had to fight the urge to shrug him away.

* * *

_So…what do you think? If you couldn't tell from the previous chapter when Derek proposed, Meredith is starting to feel anxious as she falls further and further into commitment. It's not as if she doesn't want to be with Derek, because she does. She's having his baby…but marriage? Marriage is just another thing that only further binds him to her. And now Derek is pressuring her to meet his family, because deep-down, he knows how flighty and indecisive she can be. And Meredith is really trying to fight these nervous feelings because she truly does want to be with Derek, and can't understand why she's feeling like this. So there's going to be more about Meredith's struggle with these things in the next chapter. I'm getting excited about these next couple of chapters…There's so much I want to include. Feedback please! Thanks!_ :)

AN:

I've had several readers wondering what an amnio is. 'Amnio' is short for 'Amniocentesis'. It's a procedure performed during pregnancy in which amniotic fluid is withdrawn from a woman's uterus to test for certain problems with the fetus, (ie: genetic defects, fetal injections, fetal lung immaturity, or RH sensitization). Usually this test is not necessary, but if you carry a high risk for genetic birth defects or have had a baby with a birth defect in a previous pregnancy, your doctor will usually suggest an amnio to test for problems in the baby that you are carrying. Severe stress and/or falling while pregnant, high-impact situations such as a car accident (or something of its equivalent) or experiencing preterm labor are damaging to your baby and are instances in which an amnio might be performed. Meredith was in preterm labor, which is a high-stress and life-threatening situation that can cause severe damage to an underdeveloped baby, and that's why her doctor performed an amnio on her in this chapter. It's a precaution and helps doctors to determine/evaluate the development of her baby. Anyways, I hope this was helpful.


	26. Chapter 26

Suggested listening:

"More Time-" Needtobreathe

* * *

"Seriously, Meredith, you _have_ to tell McDreamy," Cristina insisted. Meredith made a note in her stack of patient files and sighed. It was Saturday, and her first day back after almost a week spent as a patient. She leaned against the counter of the nurses' station and propped her chin in her hands, watching as Cristina searched through the file cart. 

"Derek stayed over last night," she said finally "And his mother is defiantly coming…With _two _of his sisters," she added incredulously.

"Naveen and Katie, right?" Cristina asked vaguely, her voice muffled beneath the counter.

"Nancy and Kathleen," Meredith corrected. "And you've met Nancy."

"The hardcore obstetric bitch who's constantly trying to control McDreamy's life?"

"And apparently, still the 'best friend' of his ex-wife," Meredith pointed out unhappily.

"Satan?" Cristina straightened up with an amused grin. "Oh, you are _so _screwed."

"He's already bought the plane tickets," she grumbled. "And he wants to go _ring _shopping."

"Ring shopping?" A look of disgust passed over Cristina's face. "You have to tell him you don't want to get married!"

"Cristina-" Meredith looked around nervously, "It's not that I don't _want_ to," she insisted. "…Maybe I do. It's just-"

"It's just your 'trust issues,' right?" Cristina demanded. "Do I need to get out the psych books again? Because I actually think they're still under my bed-"

"You hate those psych books."

"And I hate Derek, too, when he's messing with your head. But depressed, indecisive Meredith is just as bad-" Cristina paused mid-sentence and leaned further over the counter so she could see down the hall. "McDreamy alert!" she warned. "Hurry-"

With a quick glance over her shoulder, Meredith edged around the counter and eased down into the desk chair beside the phone.

"Hey, Mer." Derek rounded the corner and Meredith plastered a smile on her face. Derek narrowed his eyes and looked between the two. "Cristina," he acknowledged finally, with a nod of his head.

"McDreamy." Cristina mirrored his tone, one eyebrow raised as she chewed on the tip of her pen.

Derek hesitated, then began:

"What-"

"She's resting," Cristina cut him off, motioning towards Meredith, "See?"

"Okay," Derek grinned and bent down to kiss Meredith on the forehead. "Good."

Cristina rolled her eyes and went back to searching through the file cart.

"You're okay?" Derek reaffirmed, laying a hand against her stomach.

"I'm fine," Meredith agreed. "I'm-" she held up her hands, searching for the right words, "-taking it easy."

"Okay," Derek said again, but Meredith could tell he was pleased.

"Okay," she echoed.

"We've got to meet Dr. Vann at five about the results of the amnio," he reminded.

"Okay," Meredith said again, absently placing her hand to her belly to soothe the tiny kicks the baby seemed to be aiming at her bladder.

"I've got another surgery scheduled for this afternoon, but I'll meet you afterwards and we can go down together?" he suggested. Meredith nodded and gave him what she hoped was an enthused smile, but which Derek apparently mistook for concern.

"Don't worry, Mer," he reassured, giving her his classic McDreamy head-tilt-and-smile, "Everything's going to work out." He pulled his phone from the pocket of his lab coat as it began to vibrate and looked at the screen.

"It's Nancy," he announced happily, and Meredith had to resist the urge to give him an overly-enthused, Sydney-like thumbs up. "Make sure to drink plenty of water," he offered up one last piece of advice as he brought the phone to his ear. "And sit down if you feel dizzy…And page me if you need me," he added quickly. "Oh, and Cristina, make sure you schedule off for the twenty-fourth, okay?" He gave the counter a quick, parting rap with the knuckles of his right hand and headed of down the hall.

Meredith stood and shuffled through her charts to avoid Cristina's imminent gaze, and she could hear Derek's voice carrying down the hall as he walked off: 'Nancy? Uh-huh. I bought the tickets this morning. Great...!'

Cristina, however, rose from her crouched position beside the file car and stared down the hall after Derek. Meredith was suddenly very interested in the paperwork in front of her, but she could see from the corner of her vision Cristina pivot slowly to turn and stare at her.

"…Meredith," she said finally.

"…Uh-huh?" Meredith added a note to one of the files and kept her eyes averted.

"Why does McDreamy want me to schedule off for the twenty-fourth?"

"What?" Meredith tried to sound innocent.

"The twenty-fourth," Cristina persisted. "The day before Christmas. McDreamy wants me to remember to schedule off for the day before Christmas. Any particular reason?" she pressed.

"You're-invited-to-the-house." Meredith mumbled finally.

"What was that?"

"Because you're invited to the house," Meredith repeated, and finally she looked up. "...For Christmas."

"No," Cristina said immediately, crossing her arms.

"No what?"

"Just no. No way-"

"Why not?" Meredith whined.

"You and Derek and his mother and evil judgmental sisters?" she exclaimed incredulously. "What have I ever done to deserve that?"

"It's not a punishment-"

"It is," Cristina observed. "It's cruel and unusual torture!"

"Izzie will be there," Meredith pointed out. "And George and Alex and Lexie…Although she probably won't come-" Meredith considered aloud.

"So this was Barbie's idea," Cristina evaluated. "Seriously, Izzie is way too invested in this whole Christmas thing-"

"Please?" Meredith pleaded. "You're my person. You can't make me do this alone-"

Cristina sighed.

"Meredith…" she whined.

"What else are you going to do? Spend time with Mama?" Meredith demanded, knowing that spending time with her mother was the last thing that Cristina would ever want to do.

"Maybe I will," Cristina insisted.

Meredith raised her eyebrows skeptically.

"Fine, maybe I won't. But don't make me do this-"

"It's only one day, and I have to spend an entire _week _with them…" Meredith reasoned. "…Please?"

Cristina slowly uncrossed her arms, staring at her friend.

"Please?" Meredith asked again, and Cristina heaved another great sigh.

"…_Fine_," she exaggerated finally.

"And maybe you could come out to dinner with us when they get here the day before?" Meredith suggested, but Cristina had found the missing file and was already heading off down the hall, determinedly shaking her head.

"Cristina?" Meredith pressed, hoping for conformation, but her friend kept going, and merely called back over her shoulder:

"Don't push it!"

* * *

Meredith grinned despite herself as Cristina disappeared around the corner at the end of the hall, and tried to go back to her files. She pulled a chart from the stack and put pen to paper, but someone was hovering near the supply cart and Meredith looked up, distracted. 

"Hey, Meredith." Lexie hesitated and stepped forward, and Meredith laid her pen down and forced herself to smile.

"Hi Lexie-"

"You're back," Lexie stuttered. "I'm glad. That the baby's okay, I mean. And you. That you are…okay…" Meredith's half-sister died off, her gaze drifting towards the floor.

Meredith gave a sympathetic laugh.

"I'm sorry," Lexie blurted before she could speak, "I ramble. Sometimes…it's a bad habit."

"I guess we're more alike than we thought then," Meredith pointed out, trying to make an effort. Being bright and shiny was a lot of work.

Lexie glanced up and gave a half-smile.

"I was going to come see you, when I heard. But Dr. Yang…she made me promise to stay away."

There was a long pause, and Meredith shuffled the files on the counter for lack of something to do.

"Listen-" she began finally, "Derek's mother is coming into town; and two of his sisters…for Christmas. We're going to have some kind of traditional Christmas Eve dinner or something. It's not really a tradition yet I guess, we never really made a big deal over Christmas...But Derek grew up in a big family and they did and it's important to him and it was Izzie's idea so-" Meredith caught herself rambling and hesitated. "-Anyways, it's going to be Derek and his mother and sisters and Izzie, Cristina, George," Meredith counted them off, "Alex if we can get him to come…and you, if you'd like," she added finally.

"Oh…" Lexie seemed surprised, and Meredith found herself purposely avoiding looking up at her half-sister.

"It was just an idea," Meredith added, picking at the pocket of her scrub top. "It's actually probably going to be miserable, but you don't have to stay long if you don't want. You could just…drop in for dinner and, um, drop out again." Meredith glanced up quickly, realizing how lame that had sounded.

"No," Lexie reassured quickly, "It sounds great. I'm…really-" she emphasized. "It's just," she hesitated, unsure of what to call their father around Meredith. "I promised, Thatcher...I promised dad I would go up and spend Christmas at Molly's with him. Her husband just got back from the military and I think dad- I think Thatcher really needs to be around family right now…" she looked at Meredith. "But really, thank you."

"Yeah." Meredith actually felt relieved; she had fulfilled the obligation of asking her half sister to Christmas dinner. "Some other time, maybe."

"Sounds great," Lexie said eagerly.

"…Okay, good." Meredith felt the nagging urge to hurry off and seclude herself in the supply closet for the next hour. Bright and shiny: Most definitely a lot of work.

* * *

Meredith heard the front door click open and she glanced over at the clock. Ten-thirty. It was probably Derek. They'd only just finished up their meeting with Dr. Vann about the results from the amnio when Derek had been paged for emergency surgery, and had (regretfully) agreed to meet Meredith back at the house as soon as he was finished. 

Now Meredith was in the bath, and she sighed, and pulled her fingers out of the water to examine them. They were pale and wrinkled, like prunes, and she swiped at the bubbles and looked down at her belly. The water had long since cooled to an uncomfortable lukewarm temperature, and she wriggled her toes and shivered…but still she contemplated her belly.

She thought of the amnio results from earlier -remembered the relieved smile that Derek had not been able to contain- and felt happy. A healthy baby; there had been no problems confirmed by the amnio. She narrowed her eyes and studied the curve of her baby bump, and she want to say something. She felt ridiculous. _Why on earth did she feel the need to talk to her stomach?_ But as she heard the distinct noises of Derek dropping his keys into the bowl by the door and opening the coat closet downstairs, instinct took over and she felt herself grin.

"…I'm glad you're okay," she whispered to her belly.

* * *

Derek pushed his key into the lock and opened the front door. His keys were tossed into the bowl on the table beside the door and he felt the wire hanger bend beneath his hand as he pushed it into the sleeves of his coat and hung it up on the rack in the closet. He had seen George and Izzie as he was leaving the hospital, and knew Meredith was probably the only one home. Maybe Alex, too, but his car hadn't been in the driveway when Derek had pulled up. 

"Meredith?" he called out her name and felt a twinge of annoyance when she didn't answer. He muttered under his breath and immediately felt guilty; he wasn't mad at Meredith, after all. He was mad at the stupid rain that had drizzled underneath the collar of his coat and soaked the back of his shirt, and mad at his stupid emergency surgery, and especially, _especially_ mad about the conversation he had just had with Dr. Vann.

Everything had been good, Derek thought sullenly. The results of the amnio were all negative, and that relieved elation had carried Derek all through his emergency surgery that evening. He was happy, and looking forward to seeing Meredith when he got to her house. And then, as he was pulling on his coat and locking up his office for the night, he had found Robert Vann waiting for him in the lobby.

_"You were paged, and I didn't get a chance to finish," he'd explained. "And I didn't talk to Meredith about this, but I wanted you to know…" _

_And the rest had come at Derek quickly, although it seemed to reach his brain in slow, groggy bursts as the doctor in front of him spoke: "Amnio results all negative, which is good…anticipating a hard labor…low birth weight…seen this before…prevent complications-"_

_At one point in the nearly one-sided conversation, Derek's anger had overtaken him and he had demanded: "But how can it be such a hard labor if you 'expect' the baby to have a low birth weight?" And that too had been rationalized away by the doctor until Derek's head was aching with the thought of it all. He was angry; who ever wanted to have someone calmly explain that labor was going to carry an extremely high risk for the woman he was in love with and their unborn baby?_

_It was ridiculous, and Derek had told him so; and Vann had explained all the things they were going to do to prevent it. Monitoring Meredith's blood pressure, an ultrasound every two weeks, a C-section if necessary…  
_

And Derek had had every intention of talking to Meredith about this; he had practiced what he would say to her and how he would explain what their doctor had just told him all the way to her house. But as he called out her name again, stomped up the stairs and pushed open the bathroom door to reveal her sitting in the tub surrounded by bubbles, he realized that he couldn't break his newly bright and shiny Meredith. Not tonight.

* * *

_Hmm…What do you think? Meredith is trying to make an effort by being bright and shiny for Derek, because regardless of how it seems, the whole pregnancy scare is still weighing heavily on her. And it did scare her, so it's there, at the back of her mind, and she's really trying. But Derek's just had this serious conversation with their doctor about the potential risks labor is going to have for Meredith and the baby; so he's debating how he should handle knowing something that Meredith doesn't…because it will most likely stress her out and scare her. So I'll touch more on that whole dilemma soon. I've got the next chapter mostly finished…to be posted pending feedback:) _


	27. Chapter 27

AN: The rating "T" for this story has been changed to "M" for the following chapter.

* * *

Suggested listening: 

"Where Is My Mind?"- Pixies

* * *

"_You were paged, and I didn't get a chance to finish," he'd explained. "And I didn't talk to Meredith about this, but I wanted you to know…" _

_And the rest had come at Derek quickly, although it seemed to reach his brain in slow, groggy bursts as the doctor in front of him spoke: "Amnio results all negative, which is good…anticipating a hard labor…low birth weight…seen this before…prevent complications-"_

_At one point in the nearly one-sided conversation, Derek's anger had overtaken him and he had demanded: "But how can it be such a hard labor if you 'expect' the baby to have a low birth weight?" And that too had been rationalized away by the doctor until Derek's head was aching with the thought of it all. He was angry; who ever wanted to have someone calmly explain that labor was going to carry an extremely high risk for the woman he was in love with and their unborn baby?_

_It was ridiculous, and Derek had told him so; and Vann had explained all the things they were going to do to prevent it. Monitoring Meredith's blood pressure, an ultrasound every two weeks, a C-section if necessary…_

And Derek had had every intention of talking to Meredith about this; he had practiced what he would say to her and how he would explain what their doctor had just told him all the way to her house. But as he called out her name again, stomped up the stairs and pushed open the bathroom door to reveal her sitting in the tub surrounded by bubbles, he realized that he couldn't break his newly bright and shiny Meredith. Not tonight.

* * *

"Derek?" Meredith questioned as he pushed through the door to the bathroom. His breathing was quick as he stood and took in the sight of her in the bathtub. He wore a deeply troubled look that Meredith had only ever seen on a handful of occasions, but one that always made her feel uneasy, and this prompted her to say his name again. 

"Derek? What's wrong?"

He fidgeted with his watchband and leaned back against the sink. Meredith's brow was furrowed with concern and he avoided her stare.

"…Meredith," he finally spoke; it came out a quiet statement, and Meredith frowned. She gripped the edges of the tub and carefully pushed herself up out of the water, and Derek took note of this and moved away from the sink to offer her a steadying hand. She glanced across at him and Derek sensed her hesitate slightly, but then she took his hand and stepped over the edge of the tub and onto the tile. He looked around and pulled a towel from the rack and handed it to her; she took it and wrapped it around herself and there was a brief silence between the two. Derek was again avoiding her gaze. Instead he looked at her lips, and the way they angled downward in a soft pout because he refused to answer her.

"Derek?" The lips moved -a flash of white, a pink tongue- and then suddenly, instantly, Derek's own lips were pressed against hers in some kind of desperate, animal instinct; so fast and impatient that their teeth knocked together with the force of it.

He reached up and twined his fingers through her hair while his tongue found the part in Meredith's lips and he intensified the kiss, holding her there with the pressure of his lips. After a long moment of this, Meredith pulled back -partly out of surprise and partly out of the need to breath- and Derek let his eyes roam freely over her body. His hands found the curve of her belly and traveled up, over the soft swell of her breasts and back around to trace the curve of her back, which arched slightly to support the weight of the baby. The towel lay forgotten on the floor, and her bare skin felt cool beneath his fingers.

"Meredith-" he murmured, and it was all he could say. His hands brushed over what had once been familiar places on her body: the freckles on her shoulders, the shape of her hips. Meredith saw the intensity reflected in Derek's eyes, and hesitated. He watched as tiny goosebumps appeared on her arms and moved forward with rapid anticipation, bringing her as close to him as the curve of her belly would allow.

He forced his lips against hers again and pressed into her, urging her backwards out of the bathroom and towards the bed. Meredith pulled back again to catch her breath and pressed her hand against Derek as he grew, throbbing through his jeans against the inside of her leg. He groaned and jerked towards her touch, but her fingers were light, unsure.

"Come on-" he muttered, and reached up to pinch the peaks of her breasts, impatient. He rubbed against her, enjoying the sensation, and Meredith tried to slow him. She reached up -felt the broad expanse of muscle in his back- but Derek pulled her hands back down and again thrust his tongue into her mouth before she could protest.

"Meredith…" he groaned and ground his hips against hers, backing her up until they could lower down onto the bed. Her hands shook, but she struggled to undo Derek's pants at his insistence, and she finally released the button and shrugged his jeans down over his hips, and then his boxers, to release him, aching and ready. Derek's breathing was rapid, he needed her, he wanted her _now_. Meredith was suddenly nervous; she wasn't ready, and she struggled to sit up.

"Derek, wait-"

"Meredith-" he breathed her name, a throaty growl, and pulled her hands down to place them against his straining groin.

"I'm not ready-" Meredith insisted, and suddenly Derek was shoving himself off her with an angry growl.

"Derek?" Meredith sat up and pulled the sheets up around her. "…Derek?"

"What?" Derek's voice was low and angry, and he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, turning his back to her.

"...What's wrong?"

He cast a furtive glance over his shoulder and scowled.

"Forget it."

A brief pause.

"…Derek-"

"I said forget it!"

"…Okay," Meredith picked at the sheets, and Derek ran a hand through his hair with a frustrated sigh. _What was he doing? Meredith was trying to be bright and shiny for him…_

"…It's not your fault," he mumbled finally. "It's been a long day. I'm going to shower-"

"Wait-" Meredith felt panicked; she wanted Derek to know she was trying. Leaning over, she gently hooked a hand behind his head, pulling him towards her in a deep kiss. Derek hesitated until Meredith pulled him even closer, and now his movements were slow and clumsy; awkward with the sting of her rejection. Meredith let her hands explore his body. Derek did the same, but this time his touch was slow and deliberate, and careful of her round belly. Meredith could sense his distraction, and pulled back with a frown.

"Derek?"

He avoided her gaze, and Meredith propped herself up on her elbows.

"Der…" She could feel his arousal, but he gave a short, unsure nod and asked:

"…Are you sure?"

But Meredith had already nodded silently, and brought her hips up to meet him so that they were one…and slowly, Derek began to work against her. He pulled back smoothly before sliding in again, and at first, it hurt her. Derek could tell because tears welled up in her eyes as he entered, but still she pressed her fingers into his back -biting her lip to keep from crying out- urging him to continue. Steadily, Derek's breathing became labored, and his movements against her grew harsh as he thrust deep inside of her. Meredith grew tense and only managed a few words of protest:

"Oh…Derek-" She put a hand to her belly as he pressed into her; and gasped -a sharp inhale- as Derek pushed against her and their bodies knocked together, out of rhythm. He sucked a rosy nipple into his mouth, teasing it with his tongue, and she hovered in between an intense conflict of pleasure and pain.

"Derek-"

His thrusts were rapid as he slid his entire length into her, and she cried out a brought a hand to his shoulder to pause him. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, and after a moment she used her slender hands to guide him so that he came down against her just as she angled her hips up to meet his. Soon together they had found a rhythm and moved with it so that Derek was no longer forcing down so hard against her body.

He pushed her legs back at the knee as he pumped into her. In. Out. In. Out. But Meredith didn't feel the familiar sense of anticipation that she always did. A dull ache was building up inside of her, and as Derek gave himself in to a shuddering release and finally pulled out of her, it lessened only slightly.

Derek rolled over and lay beside Meredith -his breathing heavy- and let the cool air of the bedroom soothe his heated body. Next to him, Meredith's own breathing was unsteady, and Derek felt the bed shift slightly as she stood and went to the dresser and began rifling through it. After a brief search of the contents of the drawer, she found a dark maternity slip and pulled it out. Derek remembered the feel of it: silk or satin, something smooth and soft. She slipped it over her head and, without saying a word, walked into the bathroom and quietly pulled the door closed behind her.

* * *

Meredith sat down on the edge of the bathtub and cried. Her whole body ached; she was tired, and still feeling the effects of spending a long day on her feet after almost a week of doing nothing but laying in a hospital bed. She wasn't ready for all of this: rings and weddings and families coming to visit. Not to mention Christmas dinners and baby plans and being a wife to Derek. Could she even be a good wife? She was just getting used to the idea of being a mother, and now things were beginning to feel all off balance and out of order. From the other side of the door, Derek called her name, and Meredith wiped her eyes. 

"I'm coming," she spoke lightly, careful to keep the thick sound of tears from her voice. The bathroom was dark, the moonlight filtering in through the window its only source of illumination. Meredith glanced at the dark mirror and swiped a quick hand underneath her eyes before pulling open the door and slipping into bed beside Derek.

"You okay?" he asked, pulling her close, and Meredith nodded.

"I'm fine."

Derek hesitated.

"I thought we could go shopping tomorrow. Start picking out things for the nursery."

"I have to be at the hospital at four."

"That's perfect then," Derek anticipated. "I've got the day off; we can go to lunch and shop and afterwards, I can take you to the hospital for your shift."

Meredith was quiet.

"…Sounds perfect," she observed finally.

"It does," Derek agreed, laying a hand against her belly. Both were quiet. Meredith knew Derek could feel the baby's tiny kicks and he followed the movement, rubbing slow circles against the spot. But soon his breathing evened with sleep, and his hand fell away, and Meredith was left alone with only her worries and the small kicking against her abdomen to keep her company.

* * *

_Hey everyone! I just wanted to thank you all for the feedback, and apologize for not updating for the last week! I've got the next couple of chapters almost finished, dependent on if you as readers want me to continue?? I received several PM's since the last chapter: some want more updates, others have complained that I am making things too hard for Mer/Der. So, what do you think? I don't want to write a story that isn't being read, and anyways, I've got a couple ideas floating around about the others fics I'd like to start working on. _

_In response to those of you who think this story is too heavy/depressing/negative: I fully intend on making Mer/Der work for their happy ending. It would be inconsistent with the actual Mer/Der relationship storyline if everything were easy for them just because this is a fanfic. That being said, they will most likely (hint hint) get a positive, satisfying ending, but I want it to be earned, and I want them to fully understand the importance of it in the end. It wouldn't be Mer/Der if they didn't have problems and/or doubts. So that's just for you to consider as you're reading. _

_Anyways, notes on this chapter..._

_So yeah, bad sex. Completely uncharacteristic for these two, who have almost always had great chemistry together. This is something new for them, and it's not passionate, and it's definitely not hot. Derek is sort of having his own feelings about the whole situation, and he's kind of freaking out. So he's making the mistake of not really considering Meredith's feelings during all of this. He's really worried, because the possibility of losing his baby and/or Meredith is real, and it's this huge pressure on him. He just gets lost in all of this emotion as he's thinking about what he would be without Mer, and his instinct just takes over...almost like he needs this sex with her to prove that she's still there and that right now, things are okay. And here's Meredith on this side with her own set of thoughts, going through this whole ordeal completely differently. So now she's starting to freak out because of the way Derek is suddenly acting. But there is good news: Although they both still have some issues to work out (especially with the idea of marriage weighing heavily on Meredith's mind) I plan on showing a lot more of Mer/Der one-on-one as they progress through the rest of the pregnancy. So they're going to be working on their relationship, and you will find out more about Derek's conversation with Dr. Vann as well. _

_Anyways, incredibly long note at the end, I know...but I appreciate you guys so much, and thanks for reading! _:)


	28. Chapter 28

Suggested listening:

"Breakable"- Ingrid Michaelson

* * *

Meredith sat down on the edge of the bathtub and cried. Her whole body ached; she was tired, and still feeling the effects of spending a long day on her feet after almost a week of doing nothing but laying in a hospital bed. She wasn't ready for all of this: rings and weddings and families coming to visit. Not to mention Christmas dinners and baby plans and being a wife to Derek. Could she even be a good wife? She was just getting used to the idea of being a mother, and now things were beginning to feel all off balance and out of order. From the other side of the door, Derek called her name, and Meredith wiped her eyes. 

"I'm coming," she spoke lightly, careful to keep the thick sound of tears from her voice. The bathroom was dark, the moonlight filtering in through the window its only source of illumination. Meredith glanced at the dark mirror and swiped a quick hand underneath her eyes before pulling open the door and slipping into bed beside Derek.

"You okay?" he asked, pulling her close, and Meredith nodded.

"I'm fine."

Derek hesitated.

"I thought we could go shopping tomorrow. Start picking out things for the nursery."

"I have to be at the hospital at four."

"That's perfect then," Derek anticipated. "I've got the day off; we can go to lunch and shop and afterwards, I can take you to the hospital for your shift."

Meredith was quiet.

"…Sounds perfect," she observed finally.

"It does," Derek agreed, laying a hand against her belly. Both were quiet. Meredith knew Derek could feel the baby's tiny kicks and he followed the movement, rubbing slow circles against the spot. But soon his breathing evened with sleep, and his hand fell away, and Meredith was left alone with only her worries and the small kicking against her abdomen to keep her company.

* * *

"Derek," Meredith picked at her chicken and looked up, fixing him with a serious gaze, "Have you told your mother yet? About the baby?" 

Derek gave a half-grin and Meredith sighed, anticipating his answer.

"Don't you think I would have told you, if I had?" he teased, but Meredith refused to play along.

"They're going to be here in two weeks," she said crossly. "And I don't think this is something we should just spring on them-"

"Two weeks isn't going to make much of a difference," Derek joked, although he had a point.

"Nancy already doesn't like me based on the sole fact that I'm not Addison-"

"Meredith," Derek set down his fork, "You know that's not true-"

"She refers to me as 'the promiscuous intern'!"

"Once," Derek corrected, "And that's just Nancy. Kathleen's much more understanding."

"And your mother?" Meredith pressed.

"Mom's, well-" Derek hesitated, "She'll get used to the idea," he said finally. "After all, you're giving her another granddaughter."

Meredith rolled her eyes, and Derek frowned.

"Meredith," his tone was careful, "…What's wrong?"

"It's not as if you've got to worry about it," she burst emotionally, "You'll always be her son, _that _won't change-"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What it means, Derek," Meredith clarified, "Is that you're not the one they're going to be judging-"

"They don't have a choice!" Derek exclaimed. "They either like you-"

"-Or they don't," Meredith finished sullenly.

"They're not going to be judging you," Derek insisted, and then smiled. "…Okay, maybe Nancy-"

"Derek!"

"I'm kidding," Derek grinned. "They're coming to spend Christmas with me and my wife to be. That's all. And I _will_ tell my mom," he reassured, and then added: "Today, if you'd like."

"Not today." Meredith looked up quickly, thoughtful. "Tomorrow, maybe."

"Tomorrow," Derek echoed with a nod.

* * *

Meredith stared out of the window, and Derek glanced over at her as they drove. 

"You okay?" he asked after a moment.

"I'm fine."

The silence filled the inside of Derek's truck, forcing him to say something.

"…You sure?"

"Yes I'm sure," Meredith said shortly, resting a hand on her belly. Truthfully, she wasn't feeling very well -not since last night- and the last thing she wanted to do was spend all day shopping for baby things. But it was important to Derek, and Meredith supposed it had to be done sometime…

Derek shot another sideways glance at Meredith and tried not to frown. This wasn't like her -her emotions running so hot and cold like this- but for now, Derek decided to chalk it up to hormones. He fiddled with the radio and turned it up as a Clash song came on.

After a moment, Meredith sighed loudly, prompting another sideways glance out of Derek. She sighed again, and pulled crossly at her seatbelt; Derek reached out and flipped the radio off. Again silence pressed in between them.

"…Meredith-"

"You know," she interrupted suddenly, turning to face him, "You never told me why you were so angry last night."

"I wasn't angry," Derek sidestepped calmly.

"Sad then," Meredith offered. "Depressed. Contemplative. Stressed-"

"I told you," Derek was slightly taken aback, "-long day."

"Fine." Meredith turned back to face the window. "Long day…" she muttered to herself, "It's been a long _six months_, if you ask me-"

"What?" Derek glanced towards her accusingly, and Meredith turned towards him wide-eyed.

"I didn't say anything," she insisted. "…Can we listen to the radio?" And without waiting for an answer, she reached over and turned the volume up, and then resumed her sullen staring out of the passenger window.

* * *

"Meredith…" 

"Don't say it!" Meredith snapped as she pushed open the door and slowly eased out of Derek's truck.

"But-"

"I'm_ fine_," she insisted, shivering in the chill December air.

"You're not _acting _fine," Derek observed above her protests.

"Well I am. I'm carrying around what feels like an extra thirty-five pounds on my _bladder_, but I'm fine. What more do you want?"

"I want you to let me be there for you!" Derek insisted honestly. "I want you to understand that you don't always have to be so damned independent!"

"I do!" Meredith objected, pressing a hand against her lower back. She gave a defeated sigh and looked up at him. "…I do understand. Okay?"

There was a long pause.

"…Okay," Derek agreed finally.

"Yeah?"

Derek heaved a sigh and took her outstretched hand.

"Okay," he said again, nodding slowly. "Yeah."

* * *

"And then Derek was paged, so we came here," Meredith explained with a sigh. 

"So you didn't buy anything?" George asked, crossing his arms and leaning up against the row of lockers.

Meredith shrugged.

"We bought lunch."

"But nothing for the baby?" Izzie asked incredulously. "A crib for the nursery? A mobile? One of those baby swings-"

"Ooh, or some of those cute little onesie things!" George cut across excitedly, "What about those?"

"With teddy bears, or flowers, or bunnies on them!" Izzie added. "And pink: light pink and dark pink-"

"Nope," Meredith shook her head. "None of those-"

"No bunnies?" George clarified sadly.

"No bunnies," Meredith reaffirmed. "_Nothing_. We could decided on anything. We went to three different stores and didn't buy a single thing."

"You don't have a lot of time to be picky, you know," George warned.

"Four months!" Meredith objected.

"It'll go by fast," Izzie pointed out knowingly.

"Yep," George added as Meredith stood and pulled open her locker.

"How do _you_ know, George?" she asked, unconvinced. "Besides, we weren't being picky, we just couldn't agree."

"Because you're fighting." Izzie observed from her place on the bench.

"We're not fighting," Meredith insisted. "We argued."

"We_ argued_?" Izzie demanded. "Since when do you say things like that?"

"You sound like Cristina," Meredith accused apprehensively, stripping out of her maternity top and digging through her locker. "And it's true, anyways. We had an argument. He was being over-bearing."

"How would you feel if he wasn't, though?" George questioned skeptically.

"_Relieved_-"

"You were in preterm labor, Meredith," George observed. "You collapsed in the OR during spinal surgery-"

"I did not _collapse_-"

"George has a point," Izzie commended. "How can you expect him _not _to be concerned?"

"It's more than concerned-"

"Concerned, and maybe a _little _overprotective," Izzie admitted. "But I actually think it's cute. I saw him reading 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' the other day…"

"What?" Meredith pulled her scrub top over her head and frowned.

"Uh-huh. In the cafeteria."

"Seriously? I've never seen him with it…"

"Probably because he knows it would freak you out," George commented honestly.

"It wouldn't freak me out," Meredith objected.

Izzie and George shared an apprehensive glance, and Meredith put her hands on her hips indignantly.

"It wouldn't freak me out!"

"Okay…"

"It wouldn't!"

"Whatever you say, Mer…"

Meredith say down with a sigh and looked down at her belly.

"…Do you think we're fighting?" she asked finally.

The two shared another quick glance and immediately gave the same answer:

"No-"

"You're not fighting, Mer." George consoled sympathetically.

"Yeah, you argued," Izzie pointed out. "You're not fighting."

"Okay, because I'm not _trying _to push him away," Meredith explained, suddenly tearful.

"We know you're not," Izzie agreed.

"It's all because of Derek and his stupid boy penis," Meredith claimed. "I probably would have _wanted _to go shopping…or at least acted like it," she admitted. "I was trying to be bright and shiny, you know. But then he came home from the hospital all bothered about something and we had really bad sex-"

George took a drink of his coffee and choked, and Izzie rolled her eyes.

"Seriously? I didn't think it was possible," Izzie observed, only slightly sarcastic.

"Well, it is," Meredith admitted. "And it was. Bad. Really, really, bad."

"You're being serious, you actually had bad sex with McDreamy." Izzie sounded simultaneously awed and amused.

"That's what I've been saying," Meredith concluded. "Painful sex._ Literally _painful."

"Okay-" George exclaimed, clapping his hands over his ears, "That's my cue to leave…"

"Bye George!" Izzie called in a sing-song voice.

"Rounds in ten minutes," Meredith reminded.

"Yeah, yeah," George grumbled as he pushed through the door, "…I hate being an intern."

* * *

Meredith joined George and the rest of her interns in the locker room on the second floor and looked around. 

"We've got a relatively easy board today," she announced, propping her clipboard against the rise of her pregnant belly. She looked up at her overly eager interns and back down to the schedule.

"Dr. Torres needs someone on her ortho rotation today; she's scheduled for surgery in OR 2 in an hour-"

A flurry of hands shot up and Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, Eric, that's you-" she made a note on her clipboard and sat down on the bench with a tense exhale. Her back was _killing _her. "Blaire, you're in the clinic with Dr. Bailey," she continued, "Trey, scut. George and Sarah, you're scrubbing in with Dr. Hahn in OR 1 as soon as Dr. Shepherd is finished in surgery. Until then, patient rounds." Her interns hovered in a small group beside the lockers and Meredith looked up, aggravated.

"...Or just stand there, I don't care," she said cynically, brushing a stray hair out of her face. "I'm sure Dr. Yang's interns would be happy to scrub in in your place-"

There was a sudden, frenzied effort to get to the door, but George hung back, and Meredith sighed and looked up at him as the door swung closed.

"…You okay?" George questioned apprehensively.

"Fine." It was Meredith's favorite word, lately.

"Okay…"

"Thanks, George."

"Sure." George gave her a sympathetic grin. "Thanks for the surgery."

Meredith sighed and stood up.

"No problem, George…No problem."

* * *

Meredith rode the elevator down to the second floor obstetric wing and headed for the nurses' station. 

"Is Dr. Vann available?" she asked an older nurse as she reached the counter. The nurse recognized her as a surgical resident and glanced at Meredith's name tag, eyebrows raised.

"For?"

"He's my doctor." Meredith stepped back from the counter, exposing her pregnant belly.

"Is this an emergency?"

"Um," Meredith tucked her hair behind her ears and shook her head. "No."

"Dr. Vann's in a consult right now," the nurse explained, glancing at the schedule.

"…Okay," Meredith pressed her hands into her lower back, "Another doctor, maybe?"

"And you don't have an appointment?"

"No," Meredith said shortly, growing annoyed. "I don't."

"…Sign your name here," the nurse sighed, holding out a clipboard, "You can wait over there-"

Meredith glanced towards the waiting area.

"I've got patients. And interns," she added finally. "I'll just leave you my pager number-"

"If you want to see a doctor without an appointment, you need to wait," the nurse said rudely.

"…Fine," Meredith scrawled her name onto the list and stalked towards the waiting area, casting a scowl over her shoulder and sinking down into the nearest chair to wait.

* * *

"Dr. Grey?" 

Meredith glanced up at the sound of her name and pushed out of her chair.

"I'm Dr. Grey-" She recognized the doctor who had called her name, but had never worked with her before.

"I know." The woman smiled and Meredith hesitated, her hand falling back down to her side.

"…Oh."

"The nurses," the woman explained, "I'm sure you've noticed the problem we have with gossip here." She shifted he clipboard with a knowing smile and extended her free hand to introduce herself.

"Dr. Christie Bell."

Meredith again stretched out her hand.

"...Nice to meet you."

"How far along are you?" The doctor motioned towards Meredith's belly as she followed her down the hall.

"Twenty-four weeks."

"Sixth months," Dr. Bell grinned as she led Meredith into an exam room. "You must be excited, you're more than halfway there!"

"Mm." Meredith made a noncommittal noise, but the doctor didn't seem to notice.

"You've been seeing Dr. Vann, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm happy to help," Dr. Bell said as Meredith eased onto the examination table, "What can I do?"

"Um." Meredith hesitated. "I've had some cramping, lower back pain…some spotting-"

"Today?"

"Yes."

"Any nausea? Dizziness?"

"No." Meredith shook her head.

"And this has just been today?" Dr. Bell reaffirmed.

"…Mostly this afternoon."

"Hmm…Well, the back pain is pretty general. But I'm concerned about the spotting," Dr. Bell stood and passed Meredith a hospital gown. "I'm going to pull your file; you change into this and then we'll do a wand ultrasound, okay?"

Meredith nodded and pulled at the drawstring of her scrubs as Dr. Bell closed the door. She stepped out of her shoes and pulled her scrub top off over her head, exchanging it for the thin hospital gown. A few minutes passed before Dr. Bell returned, and Meredith climbed back onto the exam table.

"Preterm labor…" Dr. Bell read aloud as she came back into the room. "And you're already back to work?" She looked up from the chart for confirmation.

Meredith picked at the hem of her gown.

"I was cleared by Dr. Vann," she explained honestly.

"Borderline hypertensive…" Dr. Bell closed the file. "Let's go ahead and take your blood pressure-"

Meredith sighed inwardly and held out her arm, deciding right then that this would be her only pregnancy. Her back hurt, she had to pee constantly, and she couldn't even drink tequila. And yet…the thought of something going wrong terrified her, so she lay back obediently as Dr. Bell removed the blood pressure cuff and turned on the machine for the ultrasound.

Meredith propped her legs up and waited patiently for the image to appear on the screen as the cheerful doctor inserted the speculum. She winced at the feeling, and just as the magnified sound of the heartbeat filled the room, her pager began to go off from atop her folded scrubs. Meredith frowned -her pager had actually been unusually silent today- but she knew it was probably Derek, paging to let her know that he was done with his surgery.

Dr. Bell paused.

"Do you want to get that?" she asked.

"In a minute," Meredith answered. "It's probably Der- it's probably Dr. Shepherd." Meredith's gaze drifted back to the screen of the ultrasound monitor as her pager stopped beeping and she frowned, intent on discerning Dr. Bell's expression as she studied the image. A long minute passed, and soon Meredith's pager began to go off again. She lifted her head from the paper pillow and grabbed it from its place beside her scrubs, leaning back onto the bed to read the page...

She read it. She read it twice. Dr. Bell was talking to her, but Meredith had no idea what she was saying.

"Oh," Meredith said numbly. "…Oh, shit."

* * *

_So, lot's of dialog in this chapter, and it switches around quite a bit. The shopping trip was a disaster...Derek has definitely noticed the tension between them and is responding to that, and Meredith...well, Meredith is really starting to understand just how hard being bright and shiny really is. She's secretly dreading the visit from Derek's mother and sisters, and she's getting frustrated with Derek's seemingly unconcerned attitude about the whole thing...because to her, Derek's family coming to visit is a big deal. Derek, on the other hand, is finding a reason to blame Meredith (ie: telling her she's acting too independent) because on some deep level, he probably knows he should have taken more into consideration the night before when they had sex. So there's a guilt thing there, and he's almost trying to make it about her reluctance to let him in. _

_Also, Meredith choses to avoid a fight by insisting that she does understand that he is there for her...and that's a good and a bad thing. She understands that she needs to let Derek be there for her, but at the same time, she's kind of avoiding admitting that she is still having trouble opening up to him. Derek also realizes that he's not in the position to argue...and there's a bit of uncertainty there as to whether Meredith would still want to be with him if she were not having this baby. Even though deep down, Mer knows she needs him (she admitted that when they first felt the baby kick and again when she almost miscarried) Derek knows that Meredith has the advantage, because she can resist his efforts and avoid him and walk away again and again and there's nothing he can really do. _

_...Enough rambling. I also wanted to thank everyone for their feedback, and for the encouragement to continue. I'm glad to know that I have readers that are willing to stick through Mer/Der's troubles...Everyone's reviews from the last chapter were very personal and insightful, and I just wanted to say that you guys are incredible! Thank you! _

_Hope you enjoyed the update, and I'll try to post again this week. _


	29. Chapter 29

Suggested listening:

"Life And Death"- Michael Giacchino

* * *

Meredith propped her legs up and waited patiently for the image to appear on the screen as the cheerful doctor inserted the speculum. She winced at the feeling, and just as the magnified sound of the heartbeat filled the room, her pager began to go off from atop her folded scrubs. Meredith frowned -her pager had actually been unusually silent today- but she knew it was probably Derek, paging to let her know that he was done with his surgery. 

Dr. Bell paused.

"Do you want to get that?" she asked.

"In a minute," Meredith answered. "It's probably Der- it's probably Dr. Shepherd." Meredith's gaze drifted back to the screen of the ultrasound monitor as her pager stopped beeping and she frowned, intent on discerning Dr. Bell's expression as she studied the image. A long minute passed, and soon Meredith's pager began to go off again. She lifted her head from the paper pillow and grabbed it from its place beside her scrubs, leaning back onto the bed to read the page...

She read it. She read it twice. Dr. Bell was talking to her, but Meredith had no idea what she was saying.

"Oh," Meredith said numbly. "…Oh, shit."

* * *

"Dr. Grey?" 

Meredith stared at her pager, frozen in an indecisive panic.

"Dr. Grey…Is everything alright?"

"No," Meredith answered honestly as she pulled herself into a sitting position. She was half tempted to save herself the embarrassment and let someone else deal with the situation; this was a hospital, after all. There had to be someone competent enough to handle this.

"Dr. Grey-"

"Shit." Meredith's pager began to go off a third time and she willed herself to look up. "I'm sorry. I have something to- I have to deal with this."

"But-"

Meredith swung her legs to the edge of the examination table and sat up, ignoring the protests of Dr. Bell.

"I'm really sorry-" She searched through her pile of neatly folded scrubs. "My panties, have you seen them?"

"Excuse me?"

"My panties," Meredith sighed, knowing the cheerful, oblivious doctor probably thought she was insane. "They're blue…dark blue, and they have lace-" She shook her scrub pants and they fell to the floor. "I know they're not really maternity," she apologized as she snatched them up and pulled them on, her face pink with embarrassment.

"…Well-"

"I probably need to do the laundry, anyways," Meredith rambled, stepping into her pants and hurriedly tying the drawstring. "But I don't really like maternity lingerie, it's kind of…ugly," she finished truthfully, bending down as far as the curve of her belly would allow to pull on her shoes.

"Dr. Grey-"

"I'm sorry," Meredith said again, slightly out of breath. She grabbed her pager from beside the bed and pulled open the door, still awkwardly trying to tie the laces of her left shoe. "But I've really got to answer this-" And then she was off, doing a weird sort of somewhat-jog, a supporting hand wrapped instinctively beneath her belly as she headed for the stairwell.

* * *

"Alex-" Meredith spoke as soon as she saw him, and he took in her disheveled appearance, eyeing her skeptically. 

"Why are you wearing a hospital gown?"

"What?" Meredith followed him down the hall, the dull ache in her back quickly becoming a painful throb.

"You're wearing a hospital gown," Alex repeated emphatically.

Meredith glanced down. Shoes. Scrub pants…Hospital gown.

"Oh," she said dully as she realized. "…Damnit."

"Lost it?" Alex hypothesized.

"No, I didn't _lose_ it," Meredith insisted cynically.

"Whoa," Alex held up his hands in defense. "How was I supposed to know?"

"You weren't."

"I mean, you could have been having sex with McDreamboat-"

"_Alex_-" Meredith insisted impatiently.

"Sorry..."

"Just…why is he here?" she demanded.

"Car accident."

"…It was his fault," Meredith anticipated dully. "Wasn't it?"

"DUI," Alex explained, "He's completely intoxicated, Meredith."

"And what about Lexie?"

"I paged…She was supposed to be in surgery with Shepherd. But…" Alex hesitated as they reached the end of the hallway and the swinging doors of the ER. "…He treats her like shit, Meredith."

"Oh," Meredith concluded hollowly as she realized, "…She's not coming, is she?"

Alex pushed through the swinging doors, his only response a grim glance in Meredith's direction as she followed him.

* * *

"Thatcher-" Meredith reached her biological father at the entrance of trauma bay two and hesitated as Thatcher Grey pulled back and squinted through his drunken haze, trying to focus. 

"You-"he slurred accusingly, "What are _you _doing here?"

"I work here," Meredith reasoned, doing a quick once over of his injuries. "You were in a car accident," she explained carefully.

"It wasn't my fault," he insisted, swaying dangerously.

"Okay," Meredith obliged cautiously, "But let's just sit you down so we can examine you-"

"What the hell is this?" Thatcher's breath reeked of alcohol and he weaved towards her, plucking drunkenly at her hospital gown. "You're pregnant?"

"Come on," Meredith persuaded, glancing towards the nurse. "We're fine, thanks." The nurse looked apprehensive but gladly hurried out, and Meredith turned back to the father she barely knew. Alex helped her guide Thatcher backwards towards the examination table and Meredith pulled on a pair of gloves, feeling awkward.

"You're pregnant," Thatcher slurred again. "You can't be a _mother_-"

"Laceration to the head," Meredith observed determinedly, talking over her father's drunken insults.

"You don't know _how _to be a mother-"

"He'll need stitches," her hands shook as she touched the cut lightly, "And a CT scan, just to be safe-"

"You'll screw everything up, just like Ellis-"

"Shut up," Alex interjected, roughly forcing Thatcher back onto the exam table, "Shut the _hell _up."

"Alex-" Meredith began, but already Thatcher was cutting her off.

"Where's my daughter?" he demanded, struggling against Alex's grip. He lurched up as Alex was pulling on his own pair of gloves and veered past Meredith.

"Thatcher-" Meredith tried to direct him back into the trauma bay, "Dad-"

"I'm not your goddamn father!" Thatcher spit, spinning wildly to face her. "You didn't even-" he stumbled towards her, his voice eerily calm. "You didn't even come to Susan's funeral…" He raised his hand and Meredith instinctively flinched, recalling the sting of his touch as though she had just been slapped all over again.

"You told me not to," Meredith objected quietly. It was the truth, and her only defense, but still his words stung her just as sharply as the year before when he had told her in front of Derek and all of her friends that she was not welcome at Susan's funeral. Her eyes burned with sudden, unshed tears as another pain tore aching through her. A quiet circle of onlookers had gathered around them in the middle of the ER; Alex stood beside her, and it seemed as if they were all collectively holding their breath in anticipation of Thatcher's next move.

Finally, slowly, Thatcher lowered his hand. He shrugged nervously and gave an awkward lurch forward, stretching his arms out in what almost seemed like an embrace. He cleared the distance between Meredith and his spot in the middle of the room with surprising speed, grabbing her shoulders and leaning heavily on her.

"I want to see…" his voice was a deadly whisper, laced thick with the scent of alcohol, "…my _real _daughter!" His demand escalated into a hoarse, angry scream as he bodily shoved himself away from her and went reeling towards a nearby supply cart, where he flung an organized stack of suture kits across the room in a drunken stupor. Meredith took a few stunned steps backwards, vaguely noticing -past Thatcher's destruction of everything within his sight- that Derek was pushing quickly through to the front of the crowd.

Meredith could feel her face grow hot with embarrassment as everyone looked on but did nothing, and from across the room she saw Derek's face fall with worry (or was it disappointment?) as he took in the sight of her in the thin hospital gown. He was still wearing his surgery scrubs, and Richard and Lexie were pushing in behind him, trailed by Dr. Bailey…and then in the next moment, Alex had knocked Thatcher to the ground with one swift punch. And he remained there; out cold.

* * *

Derek had been in surgery -removing a tumor that nearly everyone is his field had deemed inoperable- from the brain stem of his twenty-eight year old patient, and things were going well. Not perfect, but good. Derek was feeling good. He _had _been feeling good. The shopping with Meredith this afternoon had been a disaster, but otherwise…things were going well. He and Meredith had reached a good place… 

Derek had to keep telling himself that to make it seem true. He had no idea what was going on with Meredith. She was angry with him, and then she wasn't, and they hadn't gotten anything accomplished this afternoon…and Derek was lost. He had absolutely no idea. But for now, he had managed to convince himself that it was just an off afternoon; as soon as he told his mother that he and Meredith were having a baby, Meredith would be happy, and everything would be fine.

Lexie Grey was one of the interns who had scrubbed in for the surgery, and Derek was letting her cauterize. Because mostly, Derek was in a good mood. And Meredith was doing much better with Lexie these days, which was also good. So things were looking up; Derek's surgery was going smoothly -he was making huge neurological advances by even agreeing to the operation- and Lexie had just informed him that Meredith had invited her to Christmas Eve dinner.

"She invited you." Derek repeated, unable to keep his optimism at bay. This was good. _This was really good. _

"She invited me," Lexie reiterated with a grin. "I actually can't make it-"

"But she invited you," Derek insisted. And then he had let Lexie suture, because she was Meredith's half-sister, and Meredith had invited her to Christmas Eve dinner.

...And then his elation had come crashing down. They were nearing the end of the operation; BP was steady, vitals were great, and Meredith was well on the way to becoming bright and shiny. She had agreed to meet his family, they were getting _married_, and now, she was even reaching out to her half-sister. Derek had been thinking, and decided that he was not going to talk to Meredith about his conversation with Dr. Vann. Right now, it was just a maybe, and he wasn't going to risk losing bright and shiny for dark and twisty. He liked happy Meredith too much.

He was just coming to this conclusion of thought, and Lexie was beside him suctioning, and they were almost ready to close. And then Lexie had been paged. And again. For some reason, Derek hadn't even bothered to ask why Meredith's half-sister had rejoined him at the operating table after barely glancing at her pager for the second time. He had just let himself assume that it wasn't an important page; or maybe he had been too caught up in his thoughts of Meredith.

* * *

_Gossip traveled fast at Seattle Grace_. It was a simple thought, as Derek Shepherd scrubbed out and headed for the nurses' station to drop off his patient's chart. The surgery had been successful, incredibly so, and now Derek was off to tell the family the good news. He was heading for the elevator, lost in thought, and hardly taking notice of the humming whispers emitting from a group of nurses as he passed. And then he heard a name that made him bristle with anger: 

"What?" he spun around to face the nurse he was sure had said it. "What did you say?" The nurse seemed unsure of how to respond and Derek grew frustrated. "Thatcher Grey…Is that what you just said?"

"I-"

"He's here?" Derek interrupted.

"Yes-"

"Why?" he demanded.

"He's a patient," the nurse raised her eyebrows in confusion.

"Where? Where is he?"

"...Down in the ER."

* * *

Derek pulled out his cell phone and hit the speed dial for Meredith's cell. Thatcher was here, he was _here_…But if Meredith didn't know, then everything would be okay. Derek never wanted Meredith to have to see her dead-beat biological ass of a father again. The phone rang. Rang again. Rang again. 

"Come on-" Derek muttered. All he needed was for Meredith to answer and tell him she was doing charts, or with a patient, or about to scrub in for surgery…_something. _Just nowhere near Thatcher Grey. The phone rang a fourth time, and clicked to voicemail.

"You've reached Meredith Grey…"

"Damn." Derek shut his phone with a frustrated growl and nearly ran into Richard as he turned the corner. "Chief-"

"Not right now, Shepherd…" Richard was half-jogging down the hall, and Derek hurried to catch up.

"But Thatcher Grey is here-"

"With Meredith?" The Chief glanced back towards Derek as pulled open the door to the stairwell. "I know…"

_With Meredith. _Thatcher was with Meredith…Derek paused.

"With Meredith? Richard, what-"

"Thatcher Grey's been admitted, and he's down in my ER, drunk-"

"With Meredith?" Derek reaffirmed, taking the stairs two at a time.

"With Meredith," Richard attested, "…and destroying my damn emergency room!"

Derek reached the swinging doors of the ER first, and heard the crash of a supply cart as it hit the floor…the angry objections of Alex and a security guard…He pushed his way through the small crowd that had gathered and his eyes immediately fell on Meredith. His heart dropped. She was wearing a hospital gown, and he didn't understand._ Why was she wearing a hospital gown? _He reached the open area in front of the crowd just as Thatcher was taken out with a hard punch from Alex, and he could easily see how mortified Meredith was with the entire situation as he neared her. This was not bright and shiny, and Derek felt the unanswered questions swelling into an angry, frustrated resentment the closer he got.

"Meredith…"

* * *

_So who all was totally surprised when it was Thatcher? I think it was pretty dramatic, and I'm not exactly satisfied with it...But there has definitely been some tension between Mer/Der these last couple of chapters and I think their frustrations with each other needed to come to a head. And well, this is exactly the situation to do it. Derek can already feel himself growing angry, he's just got a sense of hopelessness now because once again, Meredith has (seemingly) left him out of something...so she's got some explaining to do in the next chapter. It's all really just a big coincidence, how it happened. Meredith was probably intending to tell Der about going to see a doctor, and he probably would have been happy that she was cautious and did (even though it was without him while he was in surgery)_ _but now this whole situation blows up and he ends up seeing her and of course he's going to think that she's keeping things from him/not letting him be involved. So anyways...yes, I thought Alex punching Thatcher might have been a bit overblown, but I honestly think Alex would have really reacted that way in this situation. Obviously, no one else is doing anything to help and it's just kind of a crazy incident... _

_So there it is. Thanks for the reviews! _


	30. Chapter 30

Suggested listening:

"Win One For The Reaper"- Michael Giacchino

* * *

Derek reached the swinging doors of the ER first, and heard the crash of a supply cart as it hit the floor…the angry objections of Alex and a security guard…He pushed his way through the small crowd that had gathered and his eyes immediately fell on Meredith. His heart dropped. She was wearing a hospital gown, and he didn't understand._ Why was she wearing a hospital gown? _He reached the open area in front of the crowd just as Thatcher was taken out with a hard punch from Alex, and he could easily see how mortified Meredith was with the entire situation as he neared her. This was not bright and shiny, and Derek felt the unanswered questions swelling into an angry, frustrated resentment the closer he got. 

"Meredith…"

* * *

"Meredith…" Derek was concerned and frustrated and confused all at once, and he reached her and stopped, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Meredith?" 

It took her a long time to look up at him, but slowly -and disbelievingly- her eyes met his. Immediately she glanced away, her dizzy gaze trailed on the floor. He was mad, she could tell. But all she had to do was explain herself…and he would understand, probably. Meredith knew that. But she was angry. She was angry that these things kept happening to her, she kept finding herself in these situations, and she resented it…And for a moment, she resented him.

"Meredith-" Derek's voice grew impatient, and she closed her eyes -just briefly- and took in a deep breath. "What happened? Why are you wearing a hospital gown?" he demanded, before Meredith had evened opened her mouth to reason with him. Again her eyes flitted up to meet his, and she saw it there; the weary, upset concern in his eyes. She hated that look, she _hated _it, and felt herself resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She took a steadying breath, and almost didn't say it…but her lips had already parted and she felt herself cross her arms in haughty, deliberate disregard for Derek and his constant, overblown, concern:

"You did this to me-" she accused scornfully. Meredith knew she was wrong, and a twinge of regret followed her words, but she pushed it away. She could pretend she didn't care. She turned on her heel to get away from Derek and his stupid hurt gaze, but Thatcher was that way, and Bailey and the Chief and Lexie…

Another sudden, angry feeling of resentment hit Meredith. This was Lexie's fault. This was Lexie's problem…Meredith hadn't grown up with Thatcher the way her half-sister had; she had missed out on that, but_ she _was the one that had to deal with him when he showed up in the ER? It was unfair, and now Thatcher was quickly coming to -Bailey and a nurse were helping him off the floor- and Lexie was just_ standing _there, and Richard was heading down the hall towards her…Meredith spun again and marched back past a stunned Derek in the opposite direction, determined to avoid the Chief and his pretend-father concern.

"Meredith-" Derek objected, and from down the hall Richard was calling her name, and in the back of her mind she knew she was running away, like she always did. Except this time it was _because_ she always did. She had never known anything else, and still, she hated herself for doing it. But just in that moment, she felt like she had lost everything. Thatcher knew her secret. Thatcher knew she could not be a good mother, and Meredith had let herself be lured into the false idea that she could. And now _everyone _knew. Everyone knew her secret.

* * *

Derek easily caught up with her. He was thirty-five, and ate things like muesli granola cereal and grapefruit for breakfast. He had boundless energy, which, when applied to sex, had always been quite appealing. This was not one of those times. Derek could work a twelve hour shift and still harbor the will to go fishing for trout at three in the morning. Meredith supposed he had to have abundant energy to deal with her and all of her many accompanying issues. It was a miserable thought, but one that -at the moment- she honestly believed true. Meredith was twenty-eight, but she was also six months pregnant and ate things like macaroni and cheese for breakfast. The odds were not really in her favor.

Still, she managed to make it to the stairwell before Derek caught her by the wrist and held her, willing her to calm down. She struggled, and then slowly found herself succumbing to his enveloping arms, taking shallow, painful breaths and feeling slightly lightheaded. Derek was confused, but he knew better than to give Meredith the chance to run off and internalize this; and so he kissed the top of her head, and glared at an intern who had started to push open the door to use the stairs, and tried to keep his instinctive worry at bay as her forced breathing slowly turned into ragged sobs.

"Meredith…"

Meredith gave a fierce shake of her head and clutched at Derek's scrub top, and he hesitated.

"Meredith-" he tried again, and Meredith pushed away from him and swiped at her cheeks with her fingertips. Derek could see her closing off, he could see her troubled eyes darken to a deep gray-green as she forced herself to smile, and then came the words that he had been dreading:

"I'm fine."

"Mer-"

"I'm fine," she insisted adamantly. "And I'm sorry-"

"Meredith-"

"It's not your fault-"

"Stop!" The force of Derek's demand reverberated off the walls, and Meredith clenched her jaw as the last of her words floated away. Derek ran a hand across his face and turned away, and when he finally turned back to face her, his voice was low: "…You're wearing a hospital gown, and Thatcher's here, and you haven't told me anything!"

"Fine," Meredith crossed her arms and looked away.

"Fine?" Derek demanded, "Fine what?"

Meredith unclenched her jaw and slowly turned to face him, her eyes still red, her cheeks tearstained.

"I went down to obstetrics," she explained. "You were in surgery…"

"Why? What happened?"

Meredith gave a defiant shake of her head.

"I didn't feel well," she said shortly. "Okay? I wasn't feeling well, Derek. I was trying to do the right thing-"

"Without me," Derek's response was immediate, his voice hollow.

"You were in surgery-"

"You didn't page," Derek accused bitterly. "You could have paged!"

"Well I didn't," Meredith said blankly. "And _you_ could have called your mother-"

"What?"

"If we're talking about what we _could _have done," Meredith pointed out angrily, "You _could _have called your mother."

A look of realization crossed Derek's face.

"You lied. You are mad."

"I'm not," Meredith shrugged. "I don't care, Derek, I really don't."

"That much is painfully obvious," Derek agreed angrily. "This is my baby, too…But I guess you don't care," he mocked, turning to watch her reaction.

"I was lying on an exam table with an ultrasound probe between my legs when I got a page to come deal with _him_!" she sobbed, jabbing a finger at the hallway to the ER, and Derek immediately realized he had made a mistake.

"Meredith-" he started, his voice low, and full of regret.

"No-" she cut him off with a sharp shake of her head, "I can't believe you…" she paused, and Derek saw her face go from hurt and indignant to pained, and in an instant he was by her side.

"Damn it," she groaned as the pressure in her lower abdomen tightened and increased, and she bent double, trying to breath through it.

"It's okay," Derek soothed, but Meredith wouldn't let him support her, and she recoiled at the sound of his voice. She finally straightened, but she wouldn't meet his gaze. "Mer-" Derek tried, but she shook her head.

"It's not okay," she accused desperately, pulling away from him. Derek knew she wasn't talking about her pain, and he stepped forward to object:

"Mer, please," he pleaded. "If you're having contractions-"

"I'm not," she snapped. "They're just cramps." She started up the stairs, moving away from his touch, "Now leave me alone," she said acidly, and her voice was soft and defiant.

* * *

_Hmm... So, I hated writing this chapter. As in, it took me five days to even make it to the computer to type it up, and even then, I hated it. Obviously, this is AU, because in the real world of Grey's Anatomy, Mer is not pregnant. But I like to think that I keep everyone as true to character as possible, and this just didn't feel like it. I had the general idea of what needed to happen and several different ways to make it happen, and I'm not sure if I choose the right path...Oh well. I'm just glad to be done with it so I can move on! I've got the next several chapters roughly outlined, so more updates very soon...especially if you review! _

_PS- I just noticed that I've hit the thirtieth chapter mark and you guys are still reading. Yay! ...And thanks! _

* * *


	31. Chapter 31

Suggested listening:

"Watch The World Cave In"- The New Amsterdams

* * *

Derek was in the left wing of the obstetrics floor, a place he had frequented more times than he would have liked since finding out about Meredith's pregnancy. He glanced up at the numbers beside the doors as he walked, odds on one side, evens on another…Two-hundred and six, two-hundred and eight, two-hundred and ten. 

Two-hundred and twelve.

Derek paused. Had it really been less than two weeks since he had been on this very floor, afraid for the life of his unborn child? Of his Meredith? Derek had always wanted children, and it took finding Meredith to realize why he and Addison had never been able to commit to becoming parents. He needed someone else. He was waiting for someone else. His Meredith. Meredith was supposed to be the mother of his children. But it was a tricky balance; Derek was constantly hovering between slightly overbearing in his concern for Meredith and trying to give her space, and whichever side he was on was usually the opposite of what she needed. Meredith was fragile. Derek understood that. She was the anti-Addison, opposite in every way. Addie was strong and independent and sure of herself. She could do anything, with or without Derek, but Meredith was different. She needed Derek, as often as she tried to deny it. She sought him out at the end of a long day, she needed him there after losing a patient, and to remind her that sometimes grief could stay separate from everything else. She needed him to drive her home after those late, drunken nights at Joe's, and she needed him beside her when she fell asleep at night. And Derek was more than happy to fill that role, because as cliché as it sounded, she was his missing piece. She completed him. He loved life more when he was around her. And he was done.

But as he stood outside exam room two-hundred and twelve and contemplated this, Derek wondered if his tiny daughter -supported within Meredith- would be lucky enough to make it the remaining four months of the pregnancy. It was a horrible thought, but one that -once Derek finally allowed himself to consider- had been slowly eating away at him for the last week. Meredith was stubborn, and Derek knew she would never intentionally risk the well-being of their child, but he also knew she had trouble accepting her limits. And while Derek wasn't blaming her, she had yet to express her feelings towards having a baby except under the most dire of circumstances. To her, this was just another hard knock, something to get through with the best of her ability. Something unexpected and unplanned…and emotionally, it was forcing her to grow up fast. Carrying a baby for nine months was a huge responsibility, something Meredith had neither needed or been prepared for. There was too much she still had to do for herself. Maybe…Derek pondered, if this had been a planned pregnancy that they had talked about and prepared for, Meredith would have been more excited, and more confident about becoming a mother.

Derek wondered if Meredith had ever truly considered the idea of abortion, early on. If she knew it would be this hard, would her decision be any different? He frowned and shook the thought away. She wouldn't, he knew. She had to try. After all, she knew everything she _didn't_ want to be as a mother. Ellis had set a prime example. She cared about her career, and she had amazing potential, but she wasn't Cristina. She couldn't just detach herself like that. Which, Derek now understood, was the main problem. Something he had said to her in the stairwell earlier had struck a nerve, and it was too late to take it back. When he had accused her of not caring, it had really bothered her, enough for her to push him away completely, even in her panic. Meredith kept a lot of things to herself; and Derek cursed himself for ever saying something like that to her. She was probably doubting her own ability as it was.

_Of course she doubts herself, _Derek hypothesized, _it's Meredith. _

He shook his head in self-disgust and exhaled…a long, low sigh. Meredith wanted this baby. She had proved that, laying in the hospital bed as she rode wave after wave of premature contractions; and Derek didn't ever think he would forget the way she had screamed as she begged for someone to save their child. She had gone through too much to lose everything now.

* * *

Derek heard the murmur of voices from inside the room; he knew Meredith would not get upset with him in front of a nurse or doctor, and quietly pushed open the door. He immediately regretted it. There was no doctor in the room, just Meredith, looking small and upset and lying on the exam table, and Cristina and Izzie. Cristina bristled and immediately stood. 

"Get out."

So Meredith had told them.

"Meredith-" Derek made an effort to see around Cristina, but then Izzie stood also, and crossed her arms, and now there was an angry barrier between Derek and the exam table.

"Leave," Cristina demanded again, "Now."

"Meredith," Derek tried again, "Please-"

Cristina and Izzie both cast a swift glance towards their friend, but Meredith made no indication that she had even heard him.

Izzie frowned.

"Mer?" she questioned. All three waited for her to respond, but she remained quiet, lying on her side on the table, staring off towards the wall.

"She obviously doesn't want you here," Cristina observed, turning back to face him, "So-"

"He can stay…"

"…What?" Cristina faltered and again turned in the direction of her friend.

"I said," Meredith repeated quietly, her eyes still trained on the wall, her voice thick with unshed tears, "…He can stay."

"Meredith…" Izzie was interrupted as the door swung open and Christie Bell entered, chart in hand. She smiled at Derek.

"Dr. Shepherd," she greeted with a nod, sitting down on the stool and swiveling it closer to the exam table.

"Dr. Bell," Derek returned. He glanced at Cristina and Izzie, and the pretty doctor followed his gaze.

"So, Meredith," she spoke to break the tense silence. "I'm glad you're back, that was quite an exit you made." Dr. Bell glanced again towards Meredith's friends, and there was another awkward pause.

"It's okay," Meredith's voice was soft as she addressed her friends, and they seemed to understand that they should leave.

"See you later, Mer?" Izzie asked, and Meredith nodded.

"Yeah," Cristina added, with a menacing glance towards Derek, "We'll be back." Cristina pulled the door closed behind her and Derek took an unsure seat beside Meredith in the ensuing silence.

* * *

"Well, if I could just get you to lie on your back, Meredith…" Dr. Bell turned on the ultrasound machine and adjusted the monitor, and Derek took a nervous chance and extended a hand towards Meredith to help. She seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then her glance flickered towards his face and their eyes met, and finally she took his hand and let him help her shift onto her back. 

Dr. Bell pulled on a pair of gloves and continued:

"Still no nausea or dizziness?"

Meredith shook her head.

"Any increase in the spotting?"

"No."

"And the cramping?"

Meredith winced.

"A little worse."

"Hmm," the doctor considered this. "Alright, you're going to feel a little pressure…" She inserted the tip of the wand ultrasound, and Meredith closed her eyes to shut out the uncomfortably tight feeling. There was a long silence, and when Meredith opened her eyes again, she focused her gaze on the loose hold she still kept on Derek's hand. "Okay Meredith," Dr. Bell instructed after a long moment, "I'm having a little trouble finding the heartbeat. It's nothing to worry about," she reassured quickly, "The baby's actually angled away from the outside of your uterus, so it may just be the position that's making it hard to find."

Derek felt his own pulse start to race and literally held his breath, afraid to move. He could sense Meredith grow tense and willed himself to calm down. He had worked with Christie Bell before, and knew she was an excellent doctor. The baby was just in an awkward position. Derek had felt her move just last night, after all.

"Your cervix looks good," Dr. Bell covered as the magnified echo of the doppler filled the room. "Amniotic fluid is level…" She shifted the probe, and the image on the screen rotated. "Can you remember the last time you felt the baby kick?" Meredith felt suddenly nervous, and glanced at Derek as she struggled to keep her growing sense of alarm at bay.

"Today…Right, Mer?" Derek pressed, a feeling of dread settling in the pit of his stomach. Meredith placed a hand to her belly and tried to remember exactly the last time she had felt the baby move…Derek and the doctor were both staring at her, waiting for an answer, but that was only making it harder to think. She was frustrated, and felt a sense of panic creeping into the edges of her thoughts…_Why couldn't she remember?_

Her frustration was quickly catching up with her. Why was this doctor asking her all of this, anyways? Why wouldn't she just reassure her that everything was fine. _Wasn't it? _Meredith tore her panicked gaze away from Derek's pressuring, insistent one and turned to face the screen of the monitor.

"She's not moving," she heard herself observe numbly. Her voice felt very far away as alarm set in; a loud, persistent buzzing clouding her thoughts as she demanded: "Why isn't she moving!"

"Dr. Grey-" The stupid, overly cheerful doctor was using her calming voice, and all of Meredith's resentment from the last two days came back in a sudden rush.

"She isn't moving!"

Dr. Bell flipped on the machine for an abdominal ultrasound and adjusted the settings. Carefully, she removed the wand instrument from between Meredith's legs and set it aside. The image on the first monitor disappeared, and the blank screen did nothing to soothe Meredith's fears.

"Wait-" she insisted, "I need to see her! _Please_!"

"Mer," Derek managed, choking back a heavy feeling of dread, "She's just in the wrong position, Baby…Just wait-"

Dr. Bell waited for the machine to warm up, and she pulled her stethoscope from around her neck and warmed it between her hands before pressing it to the gentle swell of Meredith's belly.

"Sometimes it's easier to hear this way," she explained, adjusting the pieces in her ears. "The machine could be picking up the heartbeat and not register-"

They would not come back from this if Derek's haunting thought from earlier came true. He knew it, and Meredith knew it.

"I need to see her!" Meredith kept saying, and although Derek knew his mouth was open and words were coming out, he had no idea what he was saying. They waited, and when the doctor finally withdrew her scope with a discerning look, Derek felt sick to his stomach.

* * *

_Before you bombard me with angry reviews, have faith. The next chapter will be big for Meredith... _


	32. Chapter 32

Suggested listening:

"Fool's Gold"- Katie Herzig

* * *

"I need to see her! Please! Let me see her-" Meredith was past reasonable thought, she just needed to see her baby. She needed to see her daughter, and then everything would be okay. She just needed to see her. 

Dr. Bell withdrew her stethoscope and shared a brief, knowing glance with Derek. There was sadness there, in her eyes, and Derek's throat burned. _Don't let Meredith see that look…Don't let her see…_ It was a repetitive thought, and Derek smoothed Meredith's hair back behind her ears, fighting the urge to be sick.

"Last night!" Meredith was pleading now, "She was kicking just last night!"

"Meredith," the doctor was back to using her first name, but the calming tone was still firmly in place, "Have you lifted anything heavy since you last felt the baby move? You haven't fallen?"

"No," Meredith shook her head, frustrated, "No!"

Dr. Bell looked to Derek for confirmation and he gave a small shake of his head, 'no'. The doctor gave a sad nod before speaking again:

"This is going to be cold," She smoothed the ultrasound gel across Meredith's abdomen, "I'm just going to see if I can get a better picture this way-"

Meredith and Derek both waited with bated breath, and the doctor reached up and angled the monitor so that neither could see as the image appeared on the screen. Somehow, Meredith's hand had found it's way back into Derek's and he gave it a reassuring squeeze. Dr. Bell frowned, and after a long moment, moved the probe further up Meredith's belly.

Derek's gaze followed the doctor's movements, and after another long pause, Dr. Bell set the instrument aside and moved closer to Meredith, who frowned.

"What-"

The doctor gave a quick shake of her head and held two fingers to Meredith's wrist to measure the pulse.

"You're going to feel a slight buzzing," she warned quietly, rolling back and pulling a small, clicker-like object from a tray of instruments. She placed the tip of the device against Meredith's belly and clicked it once, and Meredith gasped and placed her hands to the spot.

At first Derek thought it must have hurt her, but then he saw the relief on Meredith's face.

"She_ moved_-" she exclaimed happily, and Derek looked up to see a satisfied look on the doctor's face as she replaced the probe against Meredith's skin, angling the screen so that this time, they could see. A rapid, tiny sound echoed through the speakers on the machine, magnified so that it filled the room…a heartbeat, small and strong.

"Meredith," Dr. Bell instructed, watching the screen, "Can you say something?"

"What?" Meredith hesitated, unsure of what the doctor meant.

"Just speak," Dr. Bell explained, "I want the baby to hear your voice-"

"Okay…"

Derek was expecting an unsure glance in his direction; he expected her to stall, wondering what she should say, and to his surprise, Meredith did neither. In fact, she didn't even look at him as she placed a hand to the curve of her belly and sighed happily.

"You scared Mommy," she said shakily, "But it's okay now…I'm really glad you're okay…" Meredith glanced towards the screen as the baby gave another small kick. "A-And I'm sorry that these things keep happening to you, but they won't anymore. I promise," she said simply, "You just have to stay in there a little longer, okay?"

Derek watched, amazed as their baby moved in tune with the sound of Meredith's voice, and the doctor gave a satisfied nod and printed out a sonogram. She passed it to Derek, because Meredith was still too consumed with staring at the screen of the monitor to notice.

"The fetal heartbeat was mimicking Meredith's," Dr. Bell explained, slightly awed. "Normally, the baby's heart rate should be around one-sixty, with Meredith's resting at a usual rate of about one-hundred to one-ten. But because Meredith is borderline hypertensive, she has an elevated pulse. The machine couldn't differentiate between the two heart rates. I've only seen this twice before," she continued. "At a resting rate, the baby's heartbeat falls into rhythm with Meredith's own…But because your baby responded to the external stimulant, it elevated her heart rate."

"So now the machine can differentiate between the two?" Derek asked, slipping easily into doctor mode.

"Exactly," Dr. Bell nodded. "Which is why it's picking up the fetal heart rate now," she explained, motioning towards the speakers. "Awake, the baby's heart rate it still much more rapid than Meredith's own."

The shrill beep of a pager sounded, and Dr. Bell pulled hers from the pocket of her lab coat to read it.

"I asked Dr. Vann to page when he was available," she announced. "It looks like he's out of his consult."

"And the cramping?" Meredith asked, and Derek looked up just in time to see a pained look fading from her face as the latest cramp traveled through her and subsided.

"It may be you just need rest," Dr. Bell advised. "You're entering the final trimester, and that paired with the workload of a surgical resident _will_ have an affect on you. You're body is telling you to slow down. You've only been out of the hospital for a few days…" She flipped through Meredith's chart. "I'd like to perform a non-stress test, just to be safe, and of course Robert will want to see you." Dr. Bell looked up and smiled, closing the chart. "I'll send a nurse in for the test, and then we'll go from there, okay?"

* * *

Dr. Bell had left Meredith and Derek alone in the room as they waited for the nurse; Meredith with a cup of juice that she was supposed to be drinking to encourage fetal movement for the test. She was sitting up now, and Derek could tell by the way she was distractedly rubbing her belly that the juice was doing its job. He studied the posters on the wall; illustrated diagrams picturing various stages of fetal growth. The silence was awkward, but not purposely so... Derek didn't know if Meredith even remembered that he was in the room. 

"You didn't tell me you weren't feeling well," Derek said finally, and it was something that had been bothering him since Meredith had admitted to going down to see a doctor without him.

Meredith took a sip of juice and glanced at him.

"I'm sorry."

Derek frowned. He had expected her to ignore him, to roll her eyes, frustrated with his concern. He expected her to retort with a sarcastic, 'I wasn't feeling well. There. I told you.'

And she hadn't.

"What happened with Thatcher?" There. Derek knew she wouldn't answer that. It was probably already hidden away, internalized, and it would be weeks before he could get her to talk about it.

Meredith's gaze remained thoughtful, and she continued to stare off toward the wall as if she hadn't heard him.

"Meredith?"

Finally, she let out a slow sigh and spoke, softly:

"I don't want to talk about it."

Derek winced. There it was: she was avoiding, just like she knew he would.

"Why not?" Derek fell easily into the routine of getting her to talk about things. Persistence. Reason. These things were key. And soon enough, she would tell him everything.

"I don't want to talk about it," she explained simply, "Because it doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter?" Derek repeated. He was skeptical. It did matter, probably more than she knew. She would keep it bottled up inside until one day, her resistance would come crashing down. There would be tears, and uncertainty, and it would inevitably end up as another issue on her very long list of issues.

"No," she shook her head. "It doesn't matter. And I don't want to talk about it anymore. Thatcher doesn't know me, and he lost the right to judge me a long time ago, so...it doesn't matter what happened with Thatcher, okay?"

Derek was surprised. This was new. Was Meredith actually trying to forgo making this into an issue?

"...Okay," Derek consented. He hesitated, and Meredith drummed her fingers against the edge of the cup and frowned.

* * *

"If you can just lie back," the nurse instructed, and Meredith did as she was told, cold in the thin hospital gown. "Good. The monitor's going to record the reactivity of the baby's heart rate to movement; all you have to do is just lie still and relax, okay?" 

"Okay," Meredith exhaled and nodded. "Thank you."

"Uh-huh." The nurse started the monitor and closed Meredith's chart. "Dr. Vann will be in to see the results in a few minutes." The nurse closed the door behind her, and Meredith looked over at Derek.

"What?" she asked finally, because Derek had been gazing towards her intently.

Derek shook his head.

"Nothing."

"She's moving…" For a moment Derek saw the familiar, small quirk of a smile that he knew as Meredith, and he let her pull his hand over to rest on her belly. In the corner, the printer quietly spit out a long stretch of readings as the baby's movements were measured and recorded.

Meredith's eyes traveled over his face, trying to discern his expression, and there was something deeper there, Derek noticed. Something intense and somber. Her anger towards him from before had disappeared, and it set Derek on edge, as if any minute now Cristina would return and tell him to get out, and Meredith would say she didn't need him, and demand that he leave her alone.

But she didn't, and the monitor continued to record, and the printer continued to print. Only sixteen more weeks, Derek realized, and they would have a child, and as he thought this, the baby gave a particularly sharp kick against the place where Derek's hand rested. Meredith sighed, and for a moment, Derek envied the connection that she had with their unborn daughter. It bothered him that at any moment, Meredith could walk away…and his daughter would go with her.

* * *

"How are we doing?" Dr. Vann closed the door and sat down across from Derek, pulling the reading off the monitor. "Everything looks good," he observed, continuing before Meredith had found a satisfactory answer, "I heard we had a little trouble finding the heartbeat earlier-"

"Yes," Meredith glanced at Derek and nodded, her throat growing tight even as she thought about it.

There was a brief silence as the doctor looked over the readings.

"Your daughter is responding well," he gave a satisfied nod. "Heart rate strong, movement active and just above average…Everything looks good. Dr. Bell said you'd been having some cramping?" he looked up from Meredith's chart, and she nodded.

"And a little spotting, earlier."

"Hmm. Your chart says back pain, also?"

"It's not so bad, now-"

Dr. Vann glanced towards Derek.

"I could just be the stress of getting back on your feet," he reasoned. "…Have you had intercourse of any kind, since you've been discharged?"

Meredith glanced towards Derek and hesitated.

"…Yesterday."

"And did you feel any pain or discomfort?"

Again Meredith hesitated, and Derek looked up at her, waiting for her answer.

"…Yes."

She avoided his gaze, and Derek felt his face grow hot. _She hadn't told him that…She hadn't said anything…_

"During or afterwards?" Dr. Vann continued, making a note in the chart.

"…Both."

"Meredith-" Derek was confused, and he was growing frustrated.

"And no pain before?" Dr. Vann finished, and Meredith shook her head, focusing intently on the doctor as Derek grew increasingly angry that she had not told him.

"No."

"Well, I can give you something for the cramping," he explained, writing out the prescription. "And a little blood could be normal, but I'm concerned about the two together. I'm going to go ahead and say that from here on out this pregnancy is considered high-risk. That's just a precaution-" he added quickly, "I don't want to risk any unnecessary stress to you or the baby. That means no intercourse," he explained, turning towards Derek as he spoke, "For now, I'd say you're okay to continue to work, but no more forty-eight hour shifts. Twenty-four is the maximum."

Meredith nodded, keeping her eyes trained away from Derek as she sat up and Dr. Vann removed the fetal monitor.

"I want to schedule you for twice-monthly appointments so that we can keep an eye on your progress, if you continue to experience cramping or bleeding of any kind, bed rest is going to be my next suggestion…"

Again Meredith nodded meekly, and even through his resentment, Derek was surprised that she was not objecting to the doctor's words.

"I know Derek has probably already talked to you about this, Meredith, but I want to take all precautions to avoid any further complications. Pregnancies like this tend to result in difficult labors and often produce babies with low birth weight. I don't want that to be you…"

But the doctor's continued words were lost on both Derek and Meredith, because Meredith's gaze was suddenly burning into him, and Derek realized his mistake: he had never told her about his conversation with Dr. Vann. He had kept it from her. Derek frowned and purposely looked away, but not before he had seen her bite her lip and give him a small, angry shake of her head.

* * *

_Okay, so here's the deal: I promise this is the last time I'm going to take Meredith's situation to the edge and bring it back again. Which is why in the author's note for the last chapter, I said this chapter was going to be big for Meredith. Because she's made a decision, although Derek doesn't know it yet. Notice how once they found the baby's heartbeat, she doesn't seem to be angry at Derek anymore? This confuses him, of course, because it's not what he's used to. Mer/Der are continually playing this game with each other, where Derek basically baits Meredith in his frustration, pushing and pressuring until eventually, she reacts. Well, Meredith's just made a very mature decision. She's not going to do that anymore. Derek keeps suggesting these things (ie: marriage, meeting the family) because he thinks it means he is getting closer to getting a commitment out of her. As if having a child with her isn't enough. She's already committed nine months to having this baby…and it just doesn't seem good enough for him. (But in Derek's defense, he really does love her, and just wants to be with her…He just doesn't realize when to ease up, lol) But Meredith has just been given a second chance: her baby is okay, and she's not going to risk something like this happening again. The Thatcher thing? She's letting it go (And there will be more on that in the next chapter!). This is the second time that something like this has threatened the life of her baby, and its scared her. Obviously, nothing much has changed since the time she went into preterm labor, because Derek was still pressuring her and she was still avoiding. But now, it's come to the point where, either way, she has to make a choice about how she is going to handle things from now on. The health of her baby has to be more important than constantly fighting with Derek. I just think it needed to get to this point for her to realize that. So there you go. Updates soon, and thanks for all of your reviews from the last chapter!_


	33. Chapter 33

Suggested listening:

"Better Than Me"- Hinder

* * *

Dr. Vann had administered a dose of medicine through an IV to stop the cramping, and now Meredith was removing it as she sat alone in the room with Derek, waiting for the doctor to return with the discharge papers. She glanced at Derek and stood, discarding the needle in the waste bin and placing a band aide over the spot on her arm. 

"You didn't tell me you'd talked to the doctor without me," she said finally, and she sounded tired, as if she would just like to skip the forthcoming argument, and knew she couldn't.

Derek ran a hand across his jaw line, something he always did when he was frustrated, and Meredith tensed, waiting for it:

"I guess keeping things from one another is something we both have in common," he accused, and Meredith sighed and crumpled up the hospital gown as she shook out her scrub top and pulled it on.

"You had an entire conversation about the well-being of this baby and didn't feel the need to tell me about it," she pointed out, exasperated.

"You had painful sex with me and waited until we were in front of the doctor to bring it up!" Derek spat angrily.

"Do you seriously think I did that on purpose?" she demanded, cinching the drawstring as she pulled on her scrub pants, "Yes, Derek, it was painful. Is that what's bothering you? That sex with 'McDreamy' isn't always perfect?"

Derek ran a hand through his hair with an aggravated frown.

"You didn't have to have sex with me," he accused acidly. "You never once asked me to stop. You wanted it-" Derek's next words were cut short and he immediately closed his mouth as the door was pushed open and Alex leaned in.

"Alex-" Meredith hesitated and glanced towards Derek, who scowled.

"The Chief sent me up here to find you." Alex hesitated. "…The police are here. They need you to give a deposition on your dad."

Meredith blinked, and Derek saw her eyes darken with…something. Concern, maybe? Regret? Her expression was troubled, but…conflicted? No, that wasn't it, Derek realized.

It was acceptance.

"They're…" Meredith paused, processing this. "They're arresting him?"

"His blood alcohol content is 0.20," Alex nodded. "The car he hit is totaled. The driver's in surgery and…Hahn doesn't think he's going to make it."

"Oh."

There was a long silence, and although Derek suddenly wanted nothing more than to comfort her, he found himself holding back.

"Okay," Meredith finally spoke, and gave a resolved nod. "…Where are they?"

"Downstairs, in conference room one," Alex hesitated, and lowered his voice with a glance toward Derek. "…Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, and her tone was forced, and determinedly light.

"You want me to go with you?" It was the protective, more human side of himself that Alex rarely showed, but Meredith shook her head.

"No, it's okay. Thank you, Alex."

Meredith didn't say anything else to Derek as she pulled on her shoes and left the room. She wasn't angry, but she wasn't quite ready to forget his words from before they had been interrupted. It was a priority thing; she needed to deal with this, and then she would think about Derek.

"Wait-" Derek found himself hearing the word before he even knew he was saying it. Meredith hadn't said anything to him as she left the room, but Alex was still here. Alex knew. "Can you tell me what happened?" he continued finally. "…What happened with Thatcher?"

Alex hesitated.

"He's an asshole," he said finally. "He said things…That she couldn't be a good mother. That she didn't know how…" Alex scowled and when he finally looked up at Derek, his gaze was angry. "You know how I feel about people here, and their issues? Everyone likes to think they have them," he answered himself, "Like it's fun, or something. But if you had seen her face when he said those things to her…" he died off, and shrugged. "She was trying, you know? She was really trying not to let it get to her…" The was a brief silence as Alex paused to consider his words, and finally he looked up. "…She deserves better," he said honestly, and Derek could only nod.

It was something he had known for a long time.

* * *

Derek was wandering the halls of Seattle Grace. He didn't know where he was going, but almost as if he were subconsciously drawn there, he found himself at the glass overlook on the third floor, staring out at the stormy Seattle skyline as it grew dark. He didn't know how long he had been standing there, but steadily, the sun sank away behind the west side of the building, and then all he could see was the reflection of the third floor behind him in the dark glass. Derek blinked. There he was, tiny and insignificant and leaning out against the stark bridge in the reflection. Nurses and interns strolled past him as he watched, some he recognized, and some he didn't. Derek sighed. He didn't even have to turn around and he could see the people, passing him by, unburdened by the thoughts that plagued Derek's own conscious. 

_'If you had seen her face when he said those things to her…' _

Derek wished he had seen her face. At least then he would have something to go on. As often as he had wished -in the past year and a half- that Meredith could learn to let these things go…Derek shook his head. Now that it seemed to be happening, all he wanted was to know what was going on inside her head. Why now? Why this time? And why with Thatcher? His cell phone began to vibrate and he pulled it from the pocket of his lab coat, hoping it was Meredith.

It wasn't.

Derek heaved another sigh and ran a hand through his hair, resigning himself to what he had to do. Thumbing the button to accept the call, he brought the phone to his ear and -finally- answered:

"…Mom? Yes-" Derek rubbed a hand over his eyes. "I'm fine. Listen, I know you called me, but there's something I need to tell you, okay?"

Derek took a deep breath.

* * *

Meredith was at the Dollar Deal with Cristina. 

"Cristina," Meredith ventured curiously, "Why are we at the Dollar Deal?"

"Because," Cristina answered matter-of-factly, pulling a long chain of suckers off a shelf and ripping it open. "You can get anything here for a dollar."

"I know," Meredith watched Cristina pop the sucker into her mouth and throw the rest of the package-wrapped suckers into her cart, "I've been to Dollar Deal before-"

"Okay then," Cristina commanded, "Grab a cart."

Meredith did as she was told, and hurried to catch up with her friend.

"But what I meant," Meredith explained, falling into step with her, "Was_ why_."

Cristina glanced at her, inspecting a package of erasers before tossing them in alongside a stack of generic-brand post-its.

"This is therapy, Meredith," Cristina said blankly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Look, you came to me. You had a really bad day, right? You had the dad thing," she continued, without waiting for confirmation, "You had the Derek thing. You had the going to see the doctor as you simultaneously had a battle of wills with Derek thing," she emphasized, counting it off on her fingers, "And then you argued about bad sex. Normally, this is a problem that would have been remedied with tequila. But then of course, we have the whole underlying conflict which is McBaby," Cristina pointed out, eyeing Meredith's stomach. "McBaby doesn't want you to drink, and that's okay…I guess," she muttered. "Because after the whole Alex trying to be your knight in shining whatever as you head off to talk to the police thing, not to mention the whole I have to talk to the police about my mean dad as Bailey and the Chief sit across from me in the conference room thing, this day is a complete wash, and even tequila couldn't bring you back from that," Cristina finished, slightly out of breath from recitation. "Besides, I needed to go shopping. I'm out of paper plates, and you know I don't do dishes." She picked up a pair of cheap-looking sunglasses and tired them on, then tossed them into the cart. "So start shopping. Where else can you get a cd of _The Ten Greatest Hits of the 80's _for a dollar?" she demanded, holding it up and raising her eyebrows.

"Therapy…" Meredith tried out the sound of it, and smiled. "You can't," she answered finally, and grabbed two.

* * *

Derek tried Meredith's cell again and cursed as it went straight to voicemail: 

"You've reached Meredith Grey…"

He had finally told someone outside of Seattle about the baby, and it had come back to bite him on the ass. Derek's mother was not happy. As in, she would be on a redeye to Seattle right now if Derek hadn't already bought tickets for thirteen days from now. So he was frustrated about that, because he was a grown, successful, genius neurosurgeon, and he had just received a cross scolding from his mother. And now Meredith had turned her phone off. The last time he had seen her was hours ago, he realized, and he couldn't find Alex, or Cristina, or _anyone_. So now, it was Derek's turn to be unhappy.

He flipped the lights on in both on call rooms on the third floor, and they were empty. He checked the surgery board, and her name was nowhere to be found. The Chief was in surgery with two of Meredith's interns, but her name was definitely not listed as the accompanying resident. Finally it occurred to him to check her locker, and as he twisted the combination lock and opened it, he saw her coat was not on its hook.

"Looking for Meredith?"

Derek spun around to see George pushing open the door.

"Do you know where she is?"

"The Chief sent her home, hours ago," George looked over his shoulder as he pulled Izzie's locker open. "Crappy day, huh? I heard about what happened with the baby…"

Derek ran a hand across his jaw and sighed.

"I heard they're not going to let her work more than twenty-four hours shifts now…Is she freaking out?"

"Freaking out?" Derek repeated.

"Oh, sorry. I mean, you know, is she panicking."

"Why would she?"

"She has that review at the end of the month."

"What review?" Derek demanded.

"You didn't know…" George observed, catching on. "Why do I always do that-" he mumbled slapping a hand to his forehead.

"What review, George?"

"So I heard you had bad sex-"

"What!"

"I…heard-you-had-bad-sex," George mumbled, desperate to keep the subject away from the secret he had spilled.

"Where did you hear that?" Derek demanded. "And why are you even in here, this is the resident's lounge-"

"You're right," George agreed quickly, stumbling over his words in his eagerness to get away. "I shouldn't be in here, so…I'll just be going. You should call the house if you want to talk to Meredith," he suggested, shutting the locker and backing out through the door. "See you, Dr. Shepherd."

* * *

Meredith was in the baby aisle at the Dollar Deal. Well, it wasn't so much a baby _aisle_, it was more the tiny area next to the tupperware section. But well, she was standing there. 

"Meredith, kitchen magnets over here, four for fifty cents!" Cristina's voice drifted over from the next aisle, "Which do you think Derek will like: dogs or fish? I'm already getting the ones with inspirational quotes on them for Barbie," she informed, happy at any chance she got to exploit her nickname for Izzie.

"Are they trout?" Meredith called back, curiously eyeing a tiny pair of baby socks.

"No, they're inspirational quotes-" Cristina said again.

"The fish," Meredith reiterated, placing a pink pair of the socks in her cart. "Are they trout? Derek likes trout-" She looked down at the pile of items in her cart and considered the socks for a moment.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Cristina pondered, and Meredith avoided the dirty look a store clerk was aiming at her.

"Um, I think they have a red stripe," Meredith explained, back to contemplating the tiny socks. "Like something you would find in a river, maybe?" She shrugged and placed the socks back on the shelf where she had found them.

"I'm a surgeon, Meredith. I went to Stanford. I don't do rivers," Cristina exclaimed, and Meredith could hear the distaste in her friend's voice. "Besides, these look tropical."

"The dogs then," Meredith decided, reaching again for the socks.

"Dogs it is," Cristina agreed. "And dolphins for Bambi."

"Dolphins for George?"

"It's either dolphins, or tiny ducks," Cristina provided.

"Dolphins," Meredith giggled.

"Okay dolphins. Where are you, anyway?" Cristina asked, her voice growing louder as she neared the end of the next aisle.

"I'm in, uh-" Meredith hesitated. "Tupperware. I'm on the tupperware aisle," she provided frantically, grabbing a handful of various plastic containers and lids and dumping them into the cart.

"I never saw you as one for tupperware," Cristina observed, rounding the corner with her cart. "Oh…" she took in the sight before her and grinned knowingly. "Baby things."

"Oh, yeah…" Meredith looked around. "Baby things."

"So," Cristina demanded. "Pick something."

Meredith shot Cristina a skeptical look.

"We're at the dollar store, Cristina."

"So, McBaby doesn't care. This is therapy, remember? Just because your boyfriend is a world-class neurosurgeon with hands insured for two-million does not mean you get to shun all that Dollar Deal has to offer," she insisted. "So pick something."

"Um," Meredith hesitated, and finally decided on a package containing one pink and one yellow pacifier. "This," she said happily, carefully placing it on top of the mismatched pile of tupperware in her cart.

Cristina stared blankly at her.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously?" Meredith repeated. "Seriously what? I picked something."

"You picked two pacifiers, Meredith."

"That's two for a dollar," she reasoned. "That's good, isn't it?"

"Two," Cristina reiterated. "You'll lose them in the first day."

"What? I won't," Meredith insisted. "They're pink and yellow and pretty. I won't lose them."

"You will, or Derek will, or McBaby-"

"She's not even born Cristina. How much motor function do you expect her to have at two days old?"

"She'll spit it out, or you'll lose it in her crib, or you'll set it down and when you come back, it won't be there. Two is not enough."

"How do you even know this?" Meredith demanded.

"Sixteen Korean second cousins," Cristina reasoned.

"No-"

"Yep."

"But you hate kids."

"Which is exactly why I know this. Do you know how many old pacifiers you can find when you're trying to hide from Quan and Hyun Ae, two-year olds from hell?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," Cristina agreed. "Two is definitely not enough."

Meredith pulled a second package of the pacifiers from its hook.

"Green and purple," she held them up, and then placed them next to the first package in her cart.

"That makes four, Meredith." Cristina observed skeptically.

"I can count!"

"Okay," Cristina consented, "McBaby will be coming into this world the proud owner of _four_ pacifiers…"

"And one pair of socks," Meredith added, adding the pink pair from before to the pile.

"And one pair of socks," Cristina echoed, heading off down the aisle with her own cart.

Meredith hesitated and glanced into her cart.

"_Six_ pacifiers," she decided quietly, pulling one more package from the shelf. "And one pair of socks." She turned her cart and headed off down the aisle after Cristina, smiling to herself.

* * *

_Well, Meredith has bought the first things for her baby. So she's taking a step forward, but it's almost sad that it is easier for her to buy cheap dollar items with Cristina than actually commit to shopping for the baby with Derek. It might not seem like it from where this chapter ended, but you will definitely see how Meredith is going to improve from here on out. And Derek will improve, by association. But right now, he's confused about some things, and he needs to deal. More on Derek's conversation with his mother in the next chapter. More on the review George was talking about (And no, it doesn't necessarily mean another argument for Mer/Der). Also, some of Mark, the Chief, Callie, and (probably) Bailey to come..._

_Hmm...what else? Derek and Meredith will talk_, _which is good. And there will be more about Meredith having to talk to the police about Thatcher. And more about the whole Thatcher thing in general. So, thank you all for such great reviews...I'm so lucky to have those of you who review each chapter, and always with something constructive to say! I love the feedback! There's definitely more to this chapter, but it was becoming so long I decided to half it. So there you go, I hope you enjoy. Next update: very soon!_


	34. Chapter 34

Suggested listening:

"I Really Want You"- James Blunt

* * *

"Stevens." 

"Izzie, it's Derek."

"Oh." Izzie hesitated. "I thought you were the hospital."

"I'm at the hospital," Derek explained. "Is Meredith there?"

"Oh no…" Izzie exclaimed despairingly, the resignation evident in her voice.

"What?"

"You don't know where she is," Izzie observed simply.

"So?" Derek was annoyed.

"She's avoiding you. What did you do?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well," Izzie stated, "You must have done something."

"I-" Derek began.

"I heard about what happened, with the baby," Izzie said blankly. "And you had bad sex."

"_Izzie_-"

"Hold on."

"Izzie!"

"Just wait," Izzie demanded. "I'm going to put you on hold."

There was a long pause, and Derek gave a frustrated sigh.

"…Derek?"

Derek rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I'm still here."

"Well, Meredith's not answering her phone."

"You called her?"

"Yes," Izzie reasoned. "I thought she would answer if she saw it was me. Her phone's off."

"Obviously, I know that," Derek reasoned. "That's why I called."

"Well," Izzie huffed, "She's not here."

"Please have her call me if she shows up-"

"Fine."

"Please-" Derek stressed.

"I said _okay_." Izzie claimed adamantly before she hung up the phone. "Men," she muttered, and rolled her eyes.

* * *

Derek hung up the phone at the nurses' station and glared up at the ceiling, jerking a tense hand through his hair. 

"Damnit Meredith," he muttered. He considered the near-empty hallway for a moment, hardly noticing as his cell again began to vibrate in the pocket of his lab coat. He knew it wasn't Meredith, and he grew frustrated.

His family was blowing up his phone. Derek had expected it, but even he was impressed by how quickly his mother had managed to pass along the news. The calls had started in what he assumed was the time it took for his mother to start calling his sisters, and as he looked down, Derek saw he already had four new voicemails. His phone began anew it's vibrating pattern, and the screen flashed:

_Incoming Call: Nancy _

Derek huffed and jabbed the button to accept the call.

"Nancy?"

"Derek?" the voice on the other end demanded, "I just talked to mom. You're making a huge mistake-"

"Nancy-"

"She's pregnant, Derek? It's not enough that you're dragging us across the country to come meet this _intern_, now we're supposed to watch you try and play house, while you squander away all of your potential-"

"Nancy-"

"I just got off the phone with Sarah, and she feels the same way, you know. I haven't talked to Kathleen but I'm sure she won't want to waste her time…not now. Derek, this is just ridiculous-"

"_Nancy-_"

"I don't even see the sense! You couldn't have just stayed with Addie, could you? She flew all the way out there to try and save your marriage and you just blew her off for some young, naïve lower-rank who saw a neurosurgeon and took her chance?"

"Stop!" Derek growled, and he was so angry he didn't even notice the startled glances gained from his outburst. "Just stop, damnit! How dare you, Nancy, this is _none _of your business!"

"I'm not going to sit back and watch you ruin-"

"I'm not ruining my life!" Derek exclaimed, "And I'm not ruining my career! If anything, you are ruining this experience for me! Meredith is not an _intern_, she is a resident, and she has amazing potential, Nancy, you don't even know…" he said proudly. "...Addison and I, we didn't love each other. Not the right way, not the way we used to, and I'm not going to waste any more of my life with Meredith explaining that to you!" he insisted adamantly. "My marriage was over long before she slept with Mark, and I'm glad! I'm better off because of it…You don't even understand," Derek shook his head angrily. "_None_of you get it!"

"But Derek-"

"No!" Derek cut her off. "I've told you before, Meredith didn't know I was a surgeon when we met. Neither of us knew we worked together; but-I-pursued-her," Derek emphasized, stressing every word. "She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I won't sit here and let you pretend that I'm forcing you to come out and meet her. I'm asking you to fly out here because I'd never hear the end of it if you thought you'd been left out. I'm paying for the plane tickets, you're coming into _her _home, and you won't act like this-"

"You think this is all going to be so much fun, Derek, and you're wrong-"

"No," Derek shook his head, although Nancy could not see this over the phone. "It's been hard. And it's been especially hard for her, Nance. This isn't just some idea, she's six months along, and she's important to me! This baby is important to me…" Derek sighed and ran a tired hand across his face. "This isn't just some easy thing, okay? This is serious. I'm in love with her-"

"Derek-"

"This pregnancy has been really difficult, and I won't risk the stress of having you and Kathleen and Mom fly out if this conversation is any indication of how things will go! I don't need it, and Meredith sure as hell doesn't need it. And as for playing house? This isn't play, this is real life, and Meredith and this baby are how I choose to live mine. If you can't accept it, you're uninvited. The same goes for Mom and Kathleen," Derek ranted. "If they can't come and act like normal, civilized, _accepting_ members of the family who are supposed to support me, then forget about it! I'm done."

Derek slammed his phone closed and clenched his fists together. He needed to hit something. He really did. Actually, he just needed to find Meredith. Because it really didn't matter what his family thought as long as he had her. And they could come to Seattle or stay in New York. Suddenly, Derek didn't care. He was angry, and as he headed down the hall to the elevator, he reached into his pocket and turned off his phone. Meredith, he knew, wouldn't be calling him anytime soon.

* * *

"Chief-" Derek pushed through the doors of OR 2, a surgical mask held to his face, and waited. Richard raised his surgical tools from the field and glanced over his shoulder. 

"…Dr. Shepherd?"

"We need to talk."

Richard frowned and shifted his glance towards the various assisting scrub nurses.

"My office," the chief offered finally, his eyes serious and searching as he turned again to Derek. "Give me fifteen minutes."

* * *

Derek was sitting in Richard's glass-walled office, waiting. He drummed his fingers impatiently, and turned his phone over and over in the palm of his hand. He pressed and held the power button and his phone powered to life, and in the next moment, a mellow tone announced the receipt of six new voicemails. A message popped up on the screen: 

_You have: 9 missed calls_

Derek thumbed the view button and scrolled through the list:

_You have: 9 missed calls from:_

_Sarah_

_Nancy_

_Kathleen_

_Nancy_

_Rebecca_

_Mom_

_Sarah_

_Nancy_

_Rebecca _

Derek sighed, and even as his eyes roamed down the list, his phone began to vibrate in his palm and the screen flashed:

_Incoming Call: Mark _

Derek pounced on the button to accept the call.

"Mark?"

"Derek, what the hell's going on, man?"

Derek could hear the amusement in his friend's voice, and he frowned.

"What, where are you?" Derek's demanded, "Have you seen Meredith?"

"No, haven't seen her…" There was a brief pause. "But I did get the pleasure of a call from your mother about five minutes ago-" Mark chuckled, and Derek grew frustrated.

"She called you?"

"Called me," Mark agreed, "and yelled at me," he added incredulously.

"Yelled at you?"

"Like I was five again. More specifically, like the time we tried to make a hot tub in your living room…" Mark referenced, and nodded resolutely. "That kind of yell."

There was a quiet pause.

"I told her about Meredith," Derek admitted finally.

"One could only assume," Mark agreed. "Seeing as how it was apparently my responsibility to keep you from, what did she say…? Oh, yeah: 'associating with women embarrassingly young for his age.'" Mark concluded.

"I'm only thirty-five," Derek growled defensively.

"Yeah well, that's the least of your problems," Mark intoned in fake-optimism. "…I also had the pleasure of a call from Nancy, and man, is she pissed-"

"Yeah, I know-"

"I mean, you know I love Nancy, she's great-"

"That's your opinion-" Derek grumbled.

"-but are you seriously considering having them out after dropping the bomb on them like this?" Mark mused. "Because seriously, man, let me just say, not a good idea. Meredith is gonna freak."

"I know, I know," Derek consented. "I un-invited them. At least for now. But I don't even know where Meredith is, so I may not have to worry about that after all," Derek informed miserably.

"I heard. Her dad's a real asshole-"

"That's the least of it," Derek explained moodily. "I didn't tell her about a conversation I'd had with our doctor, so she him told we had bad…Well, she said some things," Derek covered. "But apparently, she's not even mad at me. She's not acting like it, anyways-"

"Secret anger," Mark diagnosed. "It's the worst kind-"

"I know, believe me," Derek agreed, "I know all about secret anger. I'm an expert in secret anger. But this, it's really like she's not mad at me at all…" Derek shook his head. "It's not the Meredith I'm used to, you know?"

"Don't you hate that?" Mark associated. "You think you know someone…" he shook his head. "Apparently, Erica Hahn doesn't like people. Just doesn't like them. I mean, what the hell does that mean?" he hypothesized hopelessly.

"You're still on this Hahn thing?" Derek shook his head. "You don't like her, man, you're just attracted to-"

"-her surgeon hands," Mark finished. "But it's not just that. You humor me, I humor you, okay? Here, it's my turn: Don't worry Derek, Meredith loves you and all of that sappy stuff. After all, she's knocked up with my McGodchild," Mark exclaimed, with forced enthusiasm. "There, now it's your turn."

Derek rolled his eyes.

"Fine. Hahn secretly loves you," he threw out begrudgingly.

"That's it?" Mark demanded. "_Why_ does she love me? Get creative, here-"

"Mark, I have to go-" Derek said in lieu of goodbye as he saw through the glass window Richard heading for the office.

"What? Unfair! I humored you, man. And the whole godfather thing?" Mark added quickly, "It better be me. I don't see Yang fielding calls from your angry mother and sister _and _falsely boosting your confidence-"

"Uh-huh," Derek agreed distractedly. "Bye, Mark."

* * *

_So, a lot of phone conversation in this chapter. Just some Derek interacting with other characters, and I know it wasn't very long! More (longer) updates soon, I promise! It's been ten days since an update, and that's about nine days too long for me, but I've been working like crazy this last week! _

_But anyways, notes on this chapter:_

_Derek calls Mer's house, at George's advice from last chapter, and according to Izzie, Mer's not there. Then Derek talks to his family, and surprisingly, stands up for Meredith (kinda). Basically, he's starting to realize (mostly at the advice of others) that Meredith is going to be completely overwhelmed by his family coming to stay. Plus, he's known all along that his family can be very obsessed with his life and most times overly involved, so it's nice for a moment for him to just un-invite them, and remove them from the drama of the situation. Now Derek needs to talk to the Chief, because he has no idea where Meredith is, and he knows that Richard sent her home early. But he doesn't know what happened with the police and what will happen to Thatcher, etc. Plus, now he's curious about the review George mentioned. Mark calls, and it's basically Mark advising Derek to slow down on all the crazy plans he keep forcing on Meredith. Also, did you notice that Der didn't tell Nancy (or his mother, that we know of) that he has asked Meredith to marry him? Hmm..._

_Things to consider about the next chapter:_

_Meredith and Derek will talk. There are a lot of things Derek hasn't been able to talk with Meredith about yet. Remember how happy he was when he found out that Mer asked Lexie to Christmas dinner all by herself? She's making an effort. But now it looks like Mer is probably pissed because Lexie didn't come down to the ER when Thatcher was brought in (even though she was paged) and if she had, Mer would have never had to deal with that whole situation. But I think you'll be surprised about how she ends up feeling about the whole issue, because her anger has pretty much diminished at this point, mostly because it's not a priority for her anymore. Well, anything else? There's still some unresolved issues that have spanned these last couple of chapters, but they will all have the opportunity to be resolved in best way possible, even if it mean compromise. Next chapter almost finished (seriously!), to be posted pending feedback!_


	35. Chapter 35

Suggested listening:

"Carry You Home"- James Blunt

* * *

"Hello?" 

"Cristina, it's Derek."

"McDreamy?" Cristina raised her eyebrows, despite the fact that Derek could not see this through the phone.

"Have you seen Meredith?"

"Well," Cristina considered this, "She's asleep on my couch, if that's what you mean."

"Oh." Derek's heart sank. "She's staying over?"

"I wouldn't really call it staying over," Cristina rephrased philosophically, "It was more a 'hey come over to avoid Derek thing'…The falling asleep on my couch was just a side effect of the avoiding. Honestly-" she continued blatantly, "This whole pregnancy thing has totally screwed her. She's completely lost her edge."

"Please don't tell her that," Derek begged.

"Like I would," Cristina defended, rolling her eyes. "I'm her_ person_."

There was a long silence.

"I'm coming over," Derek said finally.

"O-kay…" Cristina stretched the word, apprehensive.

"Just…don't wake her," Derek instructed. "Let her sleep. Please."

* * *

"Yang," Derek greeted when Cristina pulled open her apartment door twenty minutes later. She took a sip of diet coke and eyed him. 

"Shepherd," she repeated mockingly, imitating his tone.

"Thanks for going to such great lengths to help Meredith avoid me today," he accused, frustrated.

"I wouldn't need to if you didn't give her a reason to avoid in the first place," Cristina observed, stepping back to allow him into the foyer.

"You're apartment is…"

"Messy?" Cristina supplied. "Yeah, I know. But thanks."

"It's just different from when Burke was here, that's all."

"Well maybe I like it that way," Cristina defended.

"It was just an observation," Derek said lightly. Cristina led him past the kitchen, where Callie was perched on the counter, eating a bowl of cereal.

"Er, Derek…" Callie swallowed her bite, "Hi."

"Callie," Derek greeted awkwardly.

"Just get Meredith and go," Cristina demanded, sauntering towards the living room. "McAss-" she called back.

"You know, Meredith and I are getting married, and well, you're her person…I guess," Derek observed begrudgingly, looking to Callie for support. "Eventually it'd be nice if you could learn to call me just 'Derek'…"

"No way," Cristina denied stubbornly. "I'm still wondering how you got my cell number-"

"Izzie gave it to me."

"Well, Barbie's not getting her magnets, now."

"What?"

"Nothing. Oh look, it's Meredith." Cristina nodded towards the couch and Derek followed her gaze, and couldn't help but smile. Meredith was on her side, one arm draped protectively across the rise of her stomach, snoring lightly.

Derek took a chance.

"Did she say anything to you, about today?" His voice was quiet, and he pulled his gaze from Meredith and glanced towards Cristina. "Did she say anything," he continued, "…about her dad?"

There was a long silence; with Callie looking on, spoon clinking against bowl as she ate her cereal.

"The man in the other car?" Cristina said finally, "He died today…" She crossed her arms, and contemplated this. "…Meredith's dad got drunk, and got behind the wheel, and killed someone. And when he showed up in the ER, suddenly Lexie Grey wants nothing to do with him. _My _intern. Not only did she ignore the page, but she ignored it _three _times…" Cristina gave a disbelieving shake of her head. "He told Meredith she couldn't be a mother. That she didn't know how-"

"I know," Derek interrupted sadly.

"He told her that she was just like Ellis," Cristina continued. "That she wasn't his real daughter…" She clenched her jaw and glanced towards the couch. "So yes," she finished quietly, "Talking about Thatcher was inevitable. But Meredith's resilient. She's had the last year and a half to build up a tolerance to painful things…" she pointed out softly. "…Ever since she met you, actually."

The shrill ring of a pager broke the silence and muted Derek's reply. Reluctantly, he pressed his lips together and ran a hand though his hair with a glance towards Meredith. She stirred and turned over, and after a moment, the soft sound of her snoring could again be heard, muffled against the couch.

Cristina read the page and crossed the room to grab her coat from a nearby chair.

"My patient's going into emergency surgery," she huffed, pulling on her coat.

"Mercer?" Callie called, rinsing her bowl in the sink.

Cristina straightened the collar and looked around for her keys, distracted.

"And I'm not there," Cristina confirmed, growing frustrated. "This case is cardio. I have to be there so Hahn will let me scrub in…"

"Here-" Callie tossed Cristina the missing keys and Cristina pocketed them and turned to face Derek.

"Meredith is special," she said, without preamble. "She's not like George, and she's not like Izzie, and she's not like Alex, _thank God_," she added. "She's my person… And while I think it's insane that's she trying to have a baby _and _complete her residency, I have to support her. She's doing this for you, you know," she observed quietly. "You wanted her ready and she's really trying." Cristina sighed, and Derek could see her forcing her next words as she headed for the door. "So, that's all I have to say," she said bossily, crossing her arms, "…Except, just, please just be the McDreamy that she fell in love with. That's what she needs…Derek," she exaggerated the word, forgoing, for once, the use of nickname. "…She needs you."

There was an awkward silence.

"That was…" Derek searched for the word, "especially heartfelt," he observed with a grin.

"Yeah," Cristina gave a begrudging nod in embarrassed consensus. "…I want to vomit."

Derek laughed, and Callie raised her eyebrows. _Was he actually getting along with Cristina? _

"Enjoy your surgery, Yang," Derek suggested, unable to maintain a serious conversation with Meredith's bossy, control-minded friend for very long.

"Take care of my person, McDreamy," Cristina demanded, and pulled the door closed behind her.

* * *

"They went to the dollar store," Callie offered in explanation; quietly, so as not to wake Meredith, as Derek attempted to maneuver his way through the mountain of Dollar Deal sacks that encompassed the perimeter of the couch. 

Derek tried to clear a path and cringed as the plastic bags rustled against each other.

"God, this place really is-"

"-a dump?" Callie finished for him with a nod.

"I was going to say a mess," Derek mumbled, "But yeah."

"You get used to it," Callie consented, raising her eyebrows in amusement as Derek maneuvered another half an inch closer to the couch.

"Do you cook?"

"Cook?" Callie laughed. "No."

"Bake, then?" Derek's tone was curious.

"Not at all." Callie frowned. "Why?"

"Oven mitts-" Derek held up a sack and let it drop, unceremoniously, back to the floor. "Three different pairs of oven mitts. With farm animals on them," he added incredulously. "I don't know about Cristina, but I don't think Meredith even knows how to turn the oven _on_. She lives off microwaved grilled cheese."

"Apples." Callie supplied, naming Cristina's food of choice. "Apples and diet coke. She bought hamburger meat once. It sat in the fridge for a month and spoiled."

"Corndogs," Derek admitted, "Meredith bought frozen corndogs and left them in the _fridge_, then tried to heat one up in a sauté pan."

Callie laughed.

"How have the cravings been?"

"Not bad," Derek pondered this, straightening up. "If she's had them, she hasn't said much. We've have a lot to distract us," he added solemnly, as an afterthought.

Callie considered this, and there was a pressing silence.

"She's so tiny," she observed finally. "I'm surprised she's not bigger…"

Derek glanced back towards the couch, let his gaze rest on Meredith.

"Yeah," he agreed sadly. "She already thinks she looks like a whale…Her words, not mine," he added quickly when he saw Callie's face. He gave another wistful glance towards Meredith. "But she's beautiful," he declared honestly. "And…I just want a healthy baby, you know?"

Callie nodded, and Derek reached down and pulled something out of the sack at his feet to deter the serious moment.

"These are so _Risky Business_," he declared amusedly, holding up Cristina's new plastic sunglasses. "Seriously, who would wear these?"

Callie grinned.

"You sound like her," she observed quietly.

"…Meredith?" Derek lowered the sunglasses, his grin replaced by a look of contemplation.

"Yeah," Callie agreed, and they both looked over as Meredith stirred on the couch.

"I should-" Derek motioned towards the couch, and his hand fell back to his side as he cleared the distance between himself and his Meredith. He hesitated for a moment, content to just watch while she slept, and Callie stood and began clearing away the clutter.

"Mer…" Derek's voice was unsure. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and she stirred.

"Hi," she sighed sleepily, and reached up to brush his stubble with one small, smooth hand.

"Hi," Derek echoed, and this made Meredith smile. She sat up, and there was a sheepish hesitance in her actions.

"I missed you," she admitted finally.

Derek felt his heart rate quicken and he beamed at her words.

"You did?" He wondered if Meredith recalled the day's events, or was just choosing not to.

"Mmm…yes," Meredith nodded decidedly. "I did."

Derek rested his hand gently on the curve of her belly, and out of habit, she covered it with her own.

"I missed you, too," Derek said honestly. But there was still a tiny bit of trepidation to his words. _Where was the Meredith he had argued with earlier? _He shook himself from his thoughts, just in time to catch her chewing nervously on her bottom lip.

"…Derek?"

"What is it, Mer?"

"I wasn't avoiding." She spoke quickly, her words an anxious jumble. "Well, I was. But I wasn't running away from…this," she faltered. "…I'm sorry."

Derek leaned forward and caught her lips in a kiss.

"Let's go home," he suggested softly, "Okay?"

Meredith looked around; saw Callie and smiled politely.

"…Cristina?" she asked finally, a soft, questioning frown on her lips.

"She was paged," Derek explained. "She's at the hospital."

"Okay." Meredith placed her hands against her belly and considered this with a sigh. "…It's been a really bad day."

"I know," Derek agreed sadly. "And I'm sorry."

Meredith was back to chewing on her bottom lip, and glanced down with an understanding nod, nervously entangling her fingers with Derek's own in her lap.

"Can we go home now?"

Derek stood in answer and extended his hands for Meredith's own.

"We can," he nodded encouragingly.

Meredith allowed herself to be pulled to her feet and leaned into Derek's chest to dispel the lightheaded feeling gained from a long, overly-stressful day. Derek kissed the top of her head and held her, and when she finally pulled away a coy grin was tugging at her lips.

"What?" Derek was curious.

"I picked something," Meredith answered vaguely, and now there was a mischievous look in her eyes that Derek found irresistibly cute.

"You picked something?"

"I did," Meredith nodded, and turned to survey the surrounding area. "This-" she spoke finally, and plucked an inconspicuous-looking Dollar Deal sack from the pile. She grinned and handed the sack off to Derek, who leaned over to inspect it's contents, and felt his heart constrict tightly.

There was a long silence, in which Derek considered this. Finally, he looked up at an eager Meredith.

"…You picked something," he echoed happily.

Carry You Home

Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again

Makes her body older than it really is

And she says it's high time she went away, no one's got much to say in this town

Trouble is the only way is down, down down

As strong as you were, tender you'll go

I'm watching you breathing, for the last time

A song for your heart, but when it is quiet

I know what it means and I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home

If she had wings she would fly away and another day, God will give her some

Trouble is the only way is down, down down

As strong as you were, tender you'll go

I'm watching you breathing, for the last time

A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,

I know what it means and I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home

* * *

_Well, I wanted to include the lyrics to that song because I love it, and I thought it was fitting. Not exactly literally fitting, but pretty close, anyway. First off, how happy were you about not having to wait ten days for another update? I'm happy, because any of you who write can understand the guilty feeling one gets when they go anymore than like, two days without updating! But really, thanks for taking the time to hit that little button and review each chapter! Secondly, notes on this chapter:  
_

_Meredith went back to Cristina's appointment to continue somewhat-avoiding Derek, and ended up falling asleep. Basically, because she's almost seven months pregnant. (Wow, suddenly it seems to be going by super-fast to me...) But yeah, we saw a softer side of Cristina, and we saw Derek and Cristina actually (kind of) getting along! And Callie, haven't seen much of her, which I'm sad about. We really haven't seen much of any of the other characters, except what is convenient, and that sucks, because I would really like to devote more time to them. Only then, I would be writing never-ending chapters, and there would never be updates, lol. Hmm...what else? It always surprises Derek when he sees this softer side of Meredith, and that's because she always comes across as vulnerable and cutely content at the weirdest times. He's expecting her to be all huffy when she wakes up, and still mad...or at least for them to finish their fight. And well, none of those things happen._

_Basically, Mark (in the last chapter) tells Derek to ease up on all of these plans and this pressure, and in this chapter, Cristina tells him to just be McDreamy again. And you know she's a truly good 'person' to Meredith that she's willing to lay aside her resentment towards Derek for the well-being of her friend. She finally seems to be the one able to get through to Derek by telling him that Mer is really trying with this whole pregnancy thing. Afterwards, you see some Callie/Derek interaction, which we've rarely seen before; plus, we see some more of the random things Cristina and Meredith bought at the dollar store. Callie and Derek talk about some of the more serious bits of having a baby; how much stress there has been, and how Meredith has really been kind of modestly quiet about her cravings, if she's had any. And the chapter ends with Mer showing Der her dollar store purchases, which makes him insanely happy, and hopeful that they will make it through this, a complete turn around from the way he was feeling a few chapters ago. And there you go. Enjoy! _


	36. Chapter 36

Suggested listening:

"Falling Slowly"- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

* * *

The ride home was a quiet one, punctuated every so often by a sidelong glance at Meredith from Derek. He had talked to Richard earlier; Meredith had given the police a recount of Thatcher's actions in the ER, and he was being held in jail pending a bail agreement. Driving while under the influence, vehicular manslaughter, destruction of state property…the potential convictions floated through Derek's thoughts as he slowed to a stop at a traffic light. 

_"How is she?" Richard leaned back in the desk chair, his brow furrowed in concern._

_Derek could only shrug. _

_"I wish I knew…" He sighed, and shook his head. "I wish this hadn't happened. She didn't need this."_

_"It's going to be okay, Derek," Richard leaned forward, spoke with unfounded conviction: "Meredith is better at this than you think-"_

_Derek looked up. _

_"I just wish she didn't have to be." His gaze was serious, and his eyes showed more concern than a healthy man of thirty-five would normally emit. _

_Richard considered this. _

_"She has you," he said simply, tracing the line of his jaw in a pondering motion. "She has Cristina, and Izzie, George. Hell, even Alex Karev seems to have a special interest in her, and that boy…" Richard tapered off. "She has Lexie," he offered finally. _

_Derek scoffed at this. _

_"Yeah, great," his sarcasm was barely contained. "Ever since she-" Derek too died off, and shook his head. He considered his next words. "Her dad choose Lexie. Maybe not intentionally, but that's how Meredith sees it. He left, and got himself a new family. I can't believe I ever wanted her to give Lexie a chance," Derek spat. _

_"Why?" Richard seemed perplexed. _

_"Why?" Derek repeated. "Why not? Her only experience with any real family has always ended in disappointment. I thought it was a good idea," Derek reflected. "Suddenly, she had a half-sister that wanted to get to know her. And now she's finally let her in, what's happened? Susan dies, and Meredith is literally slapped across the face. He tells her it's her fault, that she's not welcome at the funeral," Derek could feel his voice grow bitter now, "What responsibility does she have to him, at all?" he demanded. "What does she stand to gain from it? He disowned her, and the one time the responsibility falls to Lexie, it's Meredith who ends up down in the ER. It's Meredith he said those things too!"_

_There was a long, drawn silence in which Richard considered this, and finally drew a file nearer him. _

_"I'm restricting Meredith to twenty-four hour shifts effective immediately, and I want to be kept informed," he ordered, pensively signing off on the forms. "I know I'm not her father," he stated truthfully, "but…" Richard shook his head. The next pause was even longer than the first. "…She's important to me, and I want this thing to work with you two."_

_Derek felt his sullen mood soften, and he nodded._

_"I just want my daughter," he admitted softly. "I want her safe, and I want Meredith to be happy."_

_"Then show her that," Richard suggested. "Don't be like I was with Adele."_

* * *

Meredith kept a protective hand against her belly as Derek drove, and as the light turned green and they accelerated through the intersection, Derek cast her another lingering glance. 

"How are you feeling?" He tensed, waiting for her to hesitate, to shy away from his concern. But Meredith smiled, and her eyes were soft as she turned away from the window.

"Okay," she answered honestly. She grinned to ease the tension, and after a moment, spoke again: "Are you okay?"

"What?" Derek's gaze slid towards her. "What do you mean?"

"It's just, a lot," Meredith spoke honestly, trying to put into words how she felt. "It's just…hard sometimes. It's been hard," she reiterated. "It's been hard, since the day we knew- I knew," she corrected herself, "and I just wondered. You never really got a say in things-" Meredith's observation was honest, and suddenly, Derek found himself wondering if this was how he came across to her.

"Is that what you think?" he asked softly, and Meredith's reply was immediate, and somewhat reserved:

"I just…wonder, sometimes," she shrugged apologetically, and Derek glanced back in the review mirror and slowed the car to a stop.

"Don't ever for a second," Derek's voice was raw and truthful, and filled with dire conviction as he shifted into park and turned to face her, "think that I don't want to be part of every second of this with you," he stressed, tucking a golden lock of hair away from her face. "There's nothing else," he tried to voice what he was feeling, "There is nothing else that I want more…than to have this baby with you."  
Derek's gaze burned into her, and Meredith lowered her eyes, her throat tight.

"Okay," she agreed softly, her voice tiny.

"Okay?" Derek lifted her chin, feeling suddenly sentimental, and her eyes met his.

"Okay," she echoed again, a strained whisper, and leaned towards him as Derek kissed her gently.

_"She talked to the police?" Derek's conversation with the Chief had progressed, and Richard nodded. _

_"She gave a deposition. As did Karev."_

_Derek considered this. _

_"So what now?"_

_"The police have taken him into custody for DUI. The man in the other vehicle died in OR two shortly after surgery began-"_

_Derek nodded. _

_"I heard."_

_"There was too much damage," Richard continued, "If convicted, Thatcher will mostly likely be found guilty of vehicular manslaughter. Not to mention the financial damages he cost the hospital-"_

_"And Meredith? Did- were you there, when she talked to them?" Derek questioned. _

_"She did fine, Derek. Better than I expected, to be honest."_

_Derek thought about this. _

_"She did okay?"_

_Richard nodded. _

_"She did okay," he agreed._

* * *

Derek was back to driving, but he kept one hand gripped in Meredith's as he drove. 

"She's kicking," Meredith said softly.

Derek impulsively moved the hand gripped in Meredith's to feel, and then hesitated. He glanced sideways, and there was a awkward silence as their argument from the exam room that afternoon drifted through both their minds. It was not something they had talked about; rather, both of them had been careful to avoid the subject since leaving Cristina's apartment, but finally, Meredith spoke again, trepidation in every word:

"Do you want to feel?"

Derek's hand immediately found itself alongside Meredith's on her belly, and he smiled to himself as he drove.

"She could be a soccer player," he suggested.

"She…needs a name," Meredith observed. "We haven't thought about names-"

"Haven't you?" Derek asked.

"Well…yes," Meredith admitted. There was a brief silence between the two. "Izzie saw you reading 'What To Expect When You're Expecting'?" Meredith questioned, to break the silence.

"Well, it's not a book of names," Derek confessed.

"So you were?" Meredith's voice had a hopeful quality to it.

"Well, yes," Derek admitted. "Is that okay?"

Meredith grinned.

"It's wonderful," she sighed happily. "…Very McDreamy of you."

"Of course. I am your 'knight in shining whatever', after all," Derek smiled. "…It's in the glove box."

Meredith glanced at him, and he inclined his head towards the dashboard.

"Go ahead. It's for you, too, if you want," he added.

Meredith pulled open the glove box and retrieved the book. She ran a finger lightly down the spine. She opened it carefully and flipped through it's pages, even though it was dark. Finally, she sighed.

"…We can't have sex, Derek." Her voice was low, and weary of his reaction, and Derek pulled into the driveway beside Izzie's car and turned off the ignition.

Things were quiet as Derek considered her words, and the first few heavy drops of rain hit the windshield and deterred his thoughts. Meredith turned and looked up and him, closing the book carefully, and Derek nodded.

"I know."

Now Meredith kept her gaze averted, and carefully studied the swell of her belly.

"Meredith?" Derek spoke again, and when she looked up at him, her lips were pressed together in a heartbreaking, downward frown as she struggled not to cry. Derek hated that look. It reminded him of ferryboat crashes and drowning, Alzheimer-ridden mothers and mean fathers. And in the six times he had ever seen a look quite this sad on his Meredith, it had torn him apart, each and every time.

"Mer," Derek repeated, "Baby, what's wrong?" He pulled her close, embraced her tightly, and when she finally pulled away her face was flushed and tear streaked.

"I did-" she said miserably, and Derek frowned, because he had idea what she meant.

"Did what?" he asked softly.

"I did," she said again. "You said I didn't ask you to stop, but I did."

It took Derek a moment, and then he realized. She hadn't wanted the sex. He had _hurt_ her, and his hands shook with the thought of it.

"I hurt you," he spoke finally, with miserable, dawning realization. "I'm so sorry, Mer…" he kissed the top of her head, and she sniffed. "It's my fault…" he continued.

_"Meredith has a review coming up." Derek spoke it as a statement, but really, he only knew what he had heard from George. _

_"At the end of January, yes," Richard agreed, and Derek shook his head._

_"She never told me about it."  
_

_ Richard looked surprised and considered this, but finally, he sighed. _

_"Derek, I've had to pull a lot of strings to keep Meredith in this program. Obviously, you understand this," he continued, "and she did log slightly above the average number of hours expected for a first year resident to complete in their first semester-"_

_"She worked hard," Derek spoke, slightly defensive. _

_"She did," Richard agreed. _

_"She worked too hard, Richard," Derek shook his head. "She was never away from this hospital, and you saw what happened-"_

_"Which is exactly what I was concerned about in the first place…" Richard intoned. "And now I have a note from Robert Vann sitting on my desk, telling me that Meredith is not to work a shift exceeding twenty-four hours without a minimum of ten hours between, and that's in addition to the already low number of hours logged for this month-"_

_"She's going to be an excellent surgeon-" Derek cut across. "-You've seen her work…Doesn't that account for anything?"_

_"I'm trying to make it count," Richard stressed. "Meredith has been in and out of this office twice a week for the past three months; there are a lot of things that accompany this-" Richard explained. "Paperwork, I've got to do a quarterly assessment of her hours, not to mention verify the standard expectation of time worked every pay period…She's been before the board once already, Derek, and she did fine-"_

_"That was just a formality," Derek pointed out. "Last semester, she put in more time than everyone except Dr. Yang. She exceeded the standards," Derek argued, running a hand through his hair, "she was still in her second trimester…She'll be seven months soon, Richard, and that's something that needs to be considered if they're going to make her stand before the board and…what? Try and validate her credibility? It's ridiculous-"_

_"It's standard practice, Derek-"_

_"I don't care," Derek interrupted, "she's hasn't told me about it, which means she's worried. And I can tell you right now what she'll do. She'll work. She'll work anyways, and she'll never leave this hospital, and then the next time she collapses in surgery, you can just tell the board that my daughter was born premature, or has to be in the NICU for the next two months, or- or worse-" Derek's angry demeanor gave way to frustrated concern as he thought of this, and he stood and slammed a clenched fist down onto Richard's desk,"-but it's okay, because Meredith logged all of her time this month!"_

* * *

Derek came around and offered a steadying hand to Meredith as she stepped out of the truck, and she sniffed, feeling embarrassed. 

"Derek-"

But her next words were cut off as he pulled her tight against his broad chest, and kissed the top of her head, inhaling her lavender scent.

"Shh-" He whispered soft reassurances, let his hand navigate the waves of her hair, and he could feel his shirt growing wet with her tears. He wondered what was going through her head, silently cursing himself for the pain he had caused her. He couldn't have sex with her. It was indefinite. But any arousal he might have felt was instantly quelled as these thoughts ran through his mind. Meredith was giving him a daughter. This reason alone was more than worth it.

The wind had picked up considerably, bringing with it more heavy drops of rain. They scattered across the driveway, against his back, onto Meredith's forearms. She shivered, and Derek could feel the baby kicking inside of Meredith as he held her. He glanced up at the dark sky as the low sound of thunder rolled in the distance. Soon, it would be raining relentlessly.

"You're cold," Derek murmured, "let's get inside-" He pushed the passenger door of his truck closed and lead Meredith up the porch steps, fumbled with his keys, and let the door swing open.

The initial silence was echoing. Derek closed the front door and both he and Meredith stood in the foyer for a moment. Meredith swiped a hand beneath her eyes, and Derek kept his own lingering hand against the small of her back. The house was dim and quiet, but the murmur of conversation drifted from the kitchen; Izzie's laugh and Alex's cynical-sounding retort, George's defensive rambling. Meredith smiled, because these were her friends, and they were all here. And although she physically wanted nothing more than to head upstairs with Derek and climb into bed, Meredith found herself propelled towards the kitchen by the need to be around friends (and the slight craving for Fruit Loops).

* * *

_Alright, several things: _

_First, the Writer's Strike is over! Four to five new episodes of Grey's out by May, which I'm so happy about and have been meaning to mention! Umm, second…For those of you wondering about the timeline of this fic: June would have been the year mark since Meredith and her friends started their internships, so she's been a resident for a little over six months now because it's December in my story. So yeah, a year and a half that Mer/Der have known each other. Meredith, Cristina, Alex, and Izzie (but not George) began their residencies just after the short summer break they were supposed to get after Cristina's non-wedding at the end of season 3. So season 4 starts, and basically, Meredith has just started her residency, and just found out she's pregnant. And yes, Derek is thirty-five in the show, too. In the current season of Grey's (season 4), episode 4.3, Marks asks Derek if he thinks there will be a time when new procedures will pass them by (because Mark thinks he's getting old), and Derek disagrees, saying: "I'm thirty-five. I'm a fetus." _

…_It's the episode where Mark and the Chief perform risky new tongue surgery on that woman. _

_Thirdly, the song I picked for this chapter is on the soundtrack for the movie 'Once' and just won an Oscar last Sunday! I'm very excited, because this is the song that I thought deserved best to win, although I was somewhat-partial to the nominated songs from 'Enchanted,' obviously, because our McDreamy is one of the leads in that movie! But yes, it's an amazing song, 'Falling Slowly' by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, and if you listen to the lyrics, I just think they are so true to Mer/Der's struggles right now._


	37. Chapter 37

Suggested listening:

"Back 2 Good"- Matchbox 20

* * *

"Katherine?" 

Meredith looked up from her place on the bed and frowned.

"Elizabeth?" she offered.

Derek shook his head and considered his next choice:

"Abigail?"

Meredith wrinkled her nose.

"Abby for short," Derek suggested.

Meredith sighed and glanced down at the list in her lap.

"What about Ava?"

"That won't work," Derek explained, buttoning his shirt, "There's already an Ava in the family."

Meredith gave an accepting shrug and crossed Ava off the list.

"Ella?"

"No good," Derek denied apologetically.

"There's already an Ella?" Meredith grumbled exasperatedly.

"Sorry Mer," Derek walked around the bed to where she sat propped up against the pillows and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Nine nieces and five nephews. That is a lot of names, you know," he teased.

"Uh-huh," Meredith rolled her eyes and grinned, pulling the _Big Book of Baby Names _(a gift from Izzie) towards her.

"What about this?" Derek pointed at the page and Meredith read the name, and then looked up slowly with an incredulous look.

"Cassidy?" she exclaimed. "…I mean, I know you're into the whole fishing, land-with-a-view, trailer thing, but _Cassidy_? She's not a cowgirl, Derek, she's-" Meredith stopped short and scowled as she realized that Derek was laughing at her. "Fine," she pouted. "What would you have done if I had liked that name?"

"We would have gone back to Ava; I don't care if my sister did chose the name first-" Derek placed a finger under Meredith's chin and titled it until she was forced to look up at him. "I love you," he pressed a kiss to her lips, "But I have to go-"

"Which means that I get to stay and pick a name-" Meredith offered happily.

Derek laughed.

"This ten hours between shifts thing is really working in your favor-"

"Yep," Meredith agreed.

"-but you, Meredith Grey," he continued, "are not choosing our daughter's name without me."

Meredith pretended to pout.

"But Derek-"

"Nope-" Derek feigned disinterest.

"-I can't clock in at the hospital for another three hours, and you're leaving me alone with a very large, very diverse book of baby names-"

"Bring it with you," Derek suggested. "Meet me in the cafeteria for lunch, and we can start on the 'M' names-"

"Fine," Meredith agreed, "But we aren't doing it like that. I like to skip around-"

"Mallory," Derek recited, "Melissa, Michelle, Mary, Makayla-"

Meredith pushed him away.

"Go," she ordered, "I have a baby to name-"

"I love you," Derek said again, cupping her face with his hands and kissing her gently, "And I love you-" He placed his hands against Meredith's round baby bump and kissed her right on the belly button. "Bye Cassidy-" he called in a teasing, sing-song voice, and dodged the playful shove he received from Meredith as repercussion.

* * *

At one-thirty that afternoon, Meredith plopped down in the corner table of the cafeteria beside Derek, a dissatisfied frown on her face. 

"Here-" she slid the _Big Book of Baby Names _towards him and sighed.

Derek was curious.

"What's wrong?" he asked cautiously.

"This stupid schedule has me all messed up," Meredith complained. "I have to wait ten hours between shifts. _Ten_!"

"Oh," Derek observed carefully, "…I thought you knew that-"

Meredith glared at him.

"Don't mock!" she huffed.

Derek barely stifled his amusement.

"I'm sorry," he apologized solemnly.

"Derek!"

"What, I am. I'm sorry-"

Meredith frowned.

"Fine," she huffed.

There was a long pause, during which Derek watched Meredith spread peanut butter across her corndog.

"Um, Meredith…" Derek hesitated.

"Yes?" Her voice carried the tone of someone forcing calm, but she didn't look up at him. Her attention was focused on the peanut butter.

"…Mer?" Derek tried again. This earned him an irritated glance.

"What?"

"People are staring-"

"Well, this is what I like," she insisted. "Peanut butter. And if I want it on my corndog-"

"It's not that, exactly," Derek cut across hurriedly, "…I think it may be more to do with the perma-frown on your face-"

Meredith's gaze softened and she sighed.

"Sorry," she mumbled, pushing her tray away in sudden disinterest.

"What's wrong, Baby?"

"Nothing," she insisted, "Only that I haven't had a surgery all day because by the time I was allowed to come in they'd all started without me-" A hint of irritation leaked into her voice, and she quickly quelled it. "I mean, how am I supposed to be a resident to my interns if they're running around unsupervised for three hours until I even get here?" she continued. "It's just not fair-"

"Cristina is keeping an eye on them," Derek offered rationally. "They're taking turns. Alex had them with his interns this morning-"

"But they're _mine_," Meredith defended, "And they'll miss out because they're being picked second to everyone's own interns! They hate me-" she added miserably, "-I know it."

"They don't hate you," Derek soothed quickly, "They probably like you more now they realize how lucky they are they didn't get stuck with Cristina as their resident-"

This earned Derek a half-smile.

"It's just, your mother is coming in two weeks Derek, and we've never met," she pointed out despairingly. She tried to hide the anguish in her voice. Meredith was determined to accept Derek's family coming to stay. "Less, than two weeks, actually," she corrected herself, "and we've done nothing with the nursery, Derek, we haven't even talked about where the nursery will _be_-"

Derek hesitated uncomfortably. He had not talked to his mother, or Nancy or Kathleen for that matter, since he had broken the news of Meredith's pregnancy. Technically, he had uninvited them. Although technically, he had not told Meredith this.

"I thought we decided the nursery would be in George's old room," Derek intoned, deciding to avoid the subject of his family for the moment, "It's right across the hall-"

"But Derek, what about George?" Meredith asked, as if this were the utmost matter of importance.

Derek hesitated.

"What about him?"

"Where will he _stay_?" Meredith exaggerated. "He and Izzie aren't really together anymore…I don't think. And there's still Alex, and Izzie, and-"

"Izzie has a room already," Derek reasoned calmly, "Alex can move out of George's old bedroom and into the room downstairs. George is moving out with your…with _Lexie_, remember? And that leaves George's old bedroom free to use as the nursery, and it's right across the hall, which is perfect."

Meredith gave Derek a withering look.

Derek hesitated.

"…What?"

"Are you really that upset with my sister, Derek?" she inquired, her freak-out apparently diminished. She pulled her tray back towards her and resolutely set about finishing her corndog.

"Um, I was under the impression that I just resolved any setbacks involving where our daughter's nursery would go," he reasoned, "I don't recall saying anything negative about _Lexie_-"

"There!" Meredith accusingly jabbed her corndog in Derek's direction. "Just now. It's Lexie, and you've been saying '_Lexie'_-"

"What does it matter how I say it, Meredith?" Derek demanded irritably. "It's 'Lexie'. Your 'half-sister'. Whatever. I distinctly remember you being upset with me when I befriended her, and now you're upset because why? Because I'm unhappy that she refused to deal with Thatcher? Because she left the job to you?"

"Yes," Meredith insisted, growing just as annoyed.

"Well I am," Derek refuted. "She was assisting in the OR when she got those pages, and she ignored them. And there I was, operating right beside her, and the entire time, those pages were about Thatcher down in the ER, and she just left someone else to deal with it-"

"So what? She didn't know it would be me-"

"But it was!" Derek insisted. "You trusted her, and at the first sign of trouble, she leaves you to clean up the mess!"

"Whatever, Derek," Meredith threw back, pushing her chair back and standing up with her tray. "You're annoying us-"

That was Meredith's new thing. Now, it was never just 'I'm hungry' or 'I'm bored'. It was always 'We're' or 'Us.'

As in: Meredith and the baby.

Derek sighed and closed the book of baby names as he watched Meredith stomp off. Two days ago, he had delighted in Meredith's newfound acceptance of the baby within her, of her dedication to their daughter. But right now, because apparently both his wife-to-be and unborn child were 'annoyed' with him, he was -understandably- less than amused.

* * *

Derek caught up with Meredith later that evening -at the end of his shift- and quickly fell into step beside her as she strode across the lobby. 

"Hi-" he ventured, risking a sidelong glance in her direction.

Meredith cast him an irritated look.

"Hi," she answered, albeit begrudgingly.

"I'm sorry," Derek tried, "about earlier…"

"It's fine."

"Oh." Derek hesitated, and Meredith paused to drop a stack of files at the front desk. "Are you going home?"

"No," Meredith replied vaguely, "I have a million things to do-"

"Oh." It was all Derek could say, apparently. "…What kind of things?"

A withering stare from Meredith.

"_Important _things, Derek," she informed irritably, attempting to pull on her coat. Derek stepped forward and helped her close the buttons over the curve of her belly. With considerable effort, Meredith managed to lean down and reach into her bag. "Here-" she pushed a handful of paint samples into his arms, "-which of these do you like best?"

Derek flipped through the various colors. Pink: light pink, dark pink, magenta. Green: spring green and fresh cut grass and one that was more the color of limes. Yellow like sunshine and violet and even the palest of eggshell blue. Derek looked up.

"For the nursery?" he asked, and Meredith looked impatient.

"Yes."

"Oh." _Again_. What was wrong with him that he suddenly couldn't say anything else?

"I don't really like pink," Meredith observed, and Derek realized his consideration had been lingering over that very hue.

"Okay…" Derek hesitated. "This one's nice," he held up the yellow, but quickly revoked that decision and held up a lavender color when he saw the expression on Meredith's face.

"Lavender?"

Derek couldn't tell is she was pleased or indifferent. He nodded.

"I like it," Meredith agreed, and it was with conscious effort that Derek managed to stifle a sigh of relief. She took the sample and the rest were tucked unceremoniously back into the bag, and Derek thought how odd it was that they had just chosen the color of the nursery in the middle of the lobby at Seattle Grace.

"So that's it, we're painting the nursery?"

Meredith picked up her bag and headed for the sliding glass doors of the entrance. She glanced over her shoulder.

"Yes."

Derek hurried to catch up.

"Just like that?"

"Tonight."

"Tonight?" Derek didn't think he had heard her clearly.

"_Yes _Derek, tonight," Meredith repeated. "I told you. There's a million things I have to get done before your mother gets here-"

"About that-"

It was as if he had just told Meredith that he had uninvited his mother and sisters. It was as if she knew, just like that, that he was keeping something from her. She paused, and slowly turned to face him.

"Derek…"

"Mer-"

"About what, Derek?" she pressured, "There's something you aren't telling me!"

Meredith hated secrets. Hated them. And if there was even the slightest chance that she was being kept out of the loop, Derek was done for. She would find out.

"About…my mother," Derek covered, "She won't mind that the nursery isn't painted yet-"

Meredith narrowed her eyes.

"You did tell your mother about the baby, didn't you?" she put a hand to her belly as she said this, as if ready to take great offense if Derek had anything to say to the contrary.

"…Yes," Derek said truthfully, "I told her. She knows-"

"She knows," Meredith reiterated. "And she took it okay, just like you said-" It was more a statement than a question. Just tell her what she wanted to hear. Just _tell_ her.

Derek swallowed.

"She knows. And she took it okay."

Meredith visibly relaxed.

"Okay," she said finally. "Good."

"Okay," Derek agreed, putting a hand to her lower back and attempting to lead her towards the parking lot. He was exhausted. He couldn't have sex with Meredith, but he could go home and take a hot shower and curl up in bed beside her… "Now let's go home-"

"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed, turning to look up at him. "We can't go home. We have to go to Home Depot!"

"Meredith-"

"I told you, we're painting the nursery. And there's still Christmas shopping to do and I have to learn how to make a roast, because we'll have to feed your mother and sisters and they aren't vegetarians, are they?" She was rambling, and suddenly panicked at the idea of having to prepare a vegan meal for Derek's family.

Derek sighed.

"No Mer, they aren't vegetarians-"

"Good," Meredith gave a happy nod, "Because Izzie's going to teach me to cook, and I don't think she knows many dishes for vegetarians-"

Derek was simultaneously apprehensive and amused that Meredith thought she could learn to cook anything more than a grilled cheese in less than two weeks.

"That sounds good, Mer," he agreed absently as she continued to ramble, "But can't we wait until the weekend to do these things-" he tapered off at the look on her face. "…What?"

"Seriously, Derek? _Seriously_?"

Derek figured it was better to remain silent.

"_You're _the one who thought is was a good idea for your family to visit, and now it's like you've just lost interest! If you don't want them to come, then call your mother, and tell her, because I have more important things to be worried about if you don't-" she stopped, and Derek's thoughts drifted to her review with the board, drawing steadily nearer. Of course, she didn't know that _he_ knew. "Besides, then nursery has to be painted whether they come or not," she finished indignantly.

Derek was tempted to add that they still had almost four months to paint regardless of whether his family came, but thought better of it. He imagined Meredith trying to lift the heavy paint cans by herself. Imagined her alone in George's old room at two in the morning, executing her version of "painting" all over the four pretty, white walls. Derek frowned.

"Let's go to Home Depot," he consented wearily. Besides, she shouldn't be around the fumes.

* * *

_Hi guys! First off, thanks for all of the great reviews! When I finally typed up this chapter, it was more than double the normal length, so I split it in half. I chose Matchbox 20's "Back 2 Good" because Meredith and Derek are really trying to get back to a better place. Meredith is worried about her impending review with the hospital board, although we've only looked at that through the eyes of George, the Chief, and Derek so far. We will get to look into what Meredith is feeling about that particular situation soon. Also, Derek is upset with Lexie. Haven't seen much of her since the whole Thatcher incident, but we will, and in more ways than one. Not the next chapter, but the next. That's how I'm planning it, anyways. So yeah, Derek is upset with her, but does Lexie really even know it? Not really. Not yet, anyways. She's dealing with her own conflicting issues about the whole thing. But Meredith? Well, she's pretty much accepted it. She wouldn't truly be trying to move past the whole situation with her dad if she was letting Thatcher's hurtful words go, but still holding resentment towards Lexie, would she? So she's actually standing up for her half-sister, which is a complete turn-around from ten chapters back or so._

_Now that Meredith has also accepted Derek putting his family on her, she's determined to get it right. So she's kind of panicked about getting everything together in time, and kind of upset because now Derek's seems to have this 'whatever' attitude. When really, he's trying to make a decision about whether to go through with having his family come to stay or not. He thought it was a good idea, and kind of in the back of his mind, he knew how his family would react, but now that they've actually proven to him what they think of the whole situation, he's experiencing definite reserve. Also, he's thinking about what Mark said about how Meredith's going to freak when she experiences how Derek's family can truly be, and now realizing that it might not be such a good time to put this on Mer. And Meredith's only experience with Der's family was Nancy in the real Grey's Anatomy, and well...we all saw how Nancy acted towards Meredith then, didn't we? _

_Another thing I thought I'd add. I actually do like the name Cassidy, and was strongly considering it as a choice for the name of Mer/Der's daughter. But sadly, a friend was awesome enough to point out than another author is currently using that name for a Mer/Der/baby storyline. I'm trying to remain unique, so their daughter's name will have to remain a mystery! But I hope you will like it, because I already know what it is, lol. Also, Meredith is almost seven months pregnant, and I just wanted to give you a kind of visual: Meredith is small anyways, and the baby is also a little on the small side for being almost seven months developed, so Mer's not very big. Big for her, of course, and big for Derek because he's used to seeing her as this stick-thin, tiny person, but not exceptionally big for being seven months. If that makes sense? Like maybe, how five or six months looks on a normal person? I hope this helps. Finally, I just wanted to say again thanks for all of you who review each chapters, members of the site or otherwise! I wish I had time to respond to all of you, even though some of you don't have accounts and I can't:( But really, thanks, you guys are all awesome! Updates soon! _


	38. Chapter 38

Suggested listening:

"I'll Always Be Right There"- Bryan Adams

* * *

Meredith was asleep by time they pulled into the driveway with six gallons of lavender paint, two hand rollers, four large sponge brushes, and three mixing trays in assorted sizes. Derek sighed and turned off the ignition, content to just sit in the lingering warmth of the truck rather than face waking Meredith and braving the December cold of Seattle to get inside.

God, he loved her. It was insane. Derek couldn't imagine feeling the way he did for Meredith ever again. Or ever before, for that matter. Derek looked over at her and smiled. Home Depot had been a disaster. They had gone there for lavender paint. Maybe a few brushes. How was he to know just how many types of lavender paint Home Depot had to offer? Eggshell and semi-gloss, flat-based and high-sheen. What the hell was _high-sheen_, anyways? Derek didn't know, and he certainly didn't think that Meredith would have. And boy, was that assumption a mistake. 'Why, Derek? Why don't you care? This is important!'

The truth was, Derek did care. But he had a lot on his mind. Yes, he had told his mother, who in turn had told his sisters. That part was the truth. But was his mother really as 'okay' with it as he had claimed? Hell. No. He would have to call her. He would have to call his mother, and Nancy and Kathleen, and re-invite them all. It was that, or face Meredith; and after the two and a half hours they had just spent arguing in the paint department of Home Depot, Derek definitely couldn't pick the latter.

Derek trailed a hand across Meredith's belly and waited to feel a kick. That was another new thing. Their baby was 'boycotting' Derek. Meredith's words, of course. Derek wondering if you could really consider four days much of a boycott, but it was true. Not once in the last ninety-six hours had he felt his baby girl kick. And after their last harrowing experience with the OB-GYN, this should have alarmed him. Expect for she was kicking Meredith. 'All day and night' to borrow Meredith's words; and although she complained, Derek knew she was happy. He wondered why the baby wouldn't kick for him. Was she disassociating with him? Did his daughter somehow sense the unvoiced stress both he and Meredith seemed to be feeling lately? Meredith teased that it was because he kept picking such horrible names for her, although they both knew that Derek was joking when he did this. Derek could only hope it was something like this. He wanted to feel his daughter kick. To him, four days was a long time.

Derek slid his hand lower, hoping the motion would prompt movement on the baby's part. Nothing. He sighed. Meredith didn't even stir. He watched her sleep; her head resting against the window, hands folded in her lap, the dried streak of tears still on her face.

They hadn't been able to pick a color. They'd gotten there, and they'd gone down the aisle with all the house paint on it, and Derek had thought that they'd already picked lavender.

_"It looks different in this light," Meredith observed disappointedly. She passed the color sample to Derek. _

_Derek realized he was supposed to add to this thought. _

_"It looks the same."_

_"It's different," Meredith insisted. _

_"Alright, let's look at the others then," Derek suggested. _

That too had been a mistake.

* * *

_"This one?" Meredith pulled one of the little cards from the wall of little cards. All lavender. A wall of little lavender cards, next to a wall of little blue cards. Derek wondered how there could even be this many shades of one color. _

_"I like it," he offered. _

_Meredith wrinkled her nose. Titled the card back and forth. Squinted. _

_"It's too pale."_

_"What about this one?" Derek suggested. "It's called 'Lavender Dream'." He held it out to her. _

_Meredith shook her head. _

_"You didn't even look at it," Derek accused. _

_"I did," Meredith insisted. "It's too blue-"_

_"It's called 'Lavender'," Derek pointed out dully. _

_"I don't like it." _

And that was how it had gone for the next half hour.

* * *

_"I'm going to find the brushes," Derek had explained finally, desperate to get away from the purple wall. He had been looking at it for too long; was it actually glowing around the edges? Derek shook his head to clear his vision. _

_"I'll go too," Meredith suggested. _

_"You have to pick out a color-" Derek pointed out. _

_"I have."_

_Really, just like that? After all of the debate, it was actually that easy?_

_"Which one?" Derek crossed his arms. _

_"This-"_

_He looked down at the sample. Read the name. Read it again. Derek looked up slowly. _

_"…It's the same one."_

_"No, it's 'Lavender Skies,' we were just looking at 'Purple Haze'," Meredith said, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. _

_"It's the one I picked," Derek insisted. "It's the first one. The very first one-"_

_There was a long pause. _

_"Oh," Meredith agreed finally, "It is."_

_And she was happy, just like that._

Derek brushed his thumb across Meredith's cheek. They were flushed; from crying, probably. He didn't want to wake her. He already felt guilty enough.

* * *

_Derek followed Meredith to the paint counter. Although she had insisted on getting three different size mixing trays, they had selected their brushes with surprisingly little trouble. _

_"Acrylic or acrylic-latex?" _

_Derek glared. Had the man behind the counter just given Meredith a choice?_

_"Umm…" Meredith looked to Derek. _

_"Either." He growled shortly. Not at Meredith. Never at Meredith._

_"It's your choice, sir."_

_"We're doing a nursery," Meredith explained happily, throwing a glance at Derek over her shoulder. "Which would be better for that?"_

_Meredith and the man discussed paint types for nurseries for the next half hour. _

_Derek was growing increasingly impatient. He found himself drifting off. Now he was looking at the power drills. They made him think of his surprise for Meredith. Soon. He had been planning it for months now. Meredith hated surprises. Derek was confident she would love this. _

_Speaking of, she was heading down the aisle towards him. _

_"Derek, where did you go?" she asked. "I need you to help me with the paint-"_

_"You chose?" He could not hide the way his voice rose hopefully. _

_"Well, no," Meredith admitted. "I need your help-"_

_"Acrylic or acrylic-latex," Derek found himself snapping. "Where's the difficulty in that?"_

_There was a long pause. Meredith touched her belly. _

_"I chose acrylic-latex," she said finally. "But I need to know…flat, low-luster, or semi gloss-"_

_"Semi gloss-" Derek's voice sounded way too harsh. He cringed inwardly. "Semi gloss," he tried again, but the damage was already done. Meredith bit her bottom lip. _

_Meredith usually only bit her lip when she was trying not to cry. _

_…Great._

Derek looked out through the windshield. The truck was growing cold without the ignition idling, and heavy white clouds were building to the north in the dark night sky. It would be snowing soon, and the first few flakes made their sloppy appearance against the windows, not quite frozen yet.

* * *

_"Meredith-"_

_"I don't understand why you're acting like this," Meredith insisted tearfully. _

_"Mer-" Derek tried again. _

_"It's not my fault," she exclaimed, and to Derek's horror, she let out a loud sob. "You could have mentioned," she hiccupped tearfully,"that you were going to be acting like this, because I'm trying really hard here-"_

_Derek's face burned and he felt the angry glares of nearby shoppers. He looked like such an asshole. _

_"I'm sorry, Mer," he insisted, "I really am, it isn't your fault-"_

_"I can't do this without you, Derek," she pointed out honestly, "I need you-"_

_"Okay," Derek agreed, "I'm sorry-"_

_"We're tired too, you know, but these are things that need to be done-"_

_Again with the 'we're'. No wonder his baby hated him. He was so incompetent. _

_"You're right," Derek agreed. Seriously, what was wrong with him? "I'm sorry, I know you're um, nesting right now-"_

_"You jerk!" Meredith shrieked. Literally shrieked. Derek wanted to sink through the floor and disappear. "This isn't some phase you read about in stupid 'What to Expect...'! This is important!" _

_People were gathering at each end of the aisle now, drawn to the commotion. _

_"I'm sorry, Meredith, you're right-" It was finally happening, Derek realized. It felt like most of Meredith's pregnancy had been dealing with complications and/or the possibility of complications. Besides the morning sickness, things like cravings and extreme hormones had mostly taken a back seat. And suddenly, here they were, full-force and long overdue. _

_Derek attempted to comfort her. He could feel the stares of the nearby onlookers, and one employee even tried to ask Meredith if she needed help. Derek just wanted to get out of there. It was a long process getting Meredith back to the paint counter, but once they were there, Derek told the man: _

_"Four gallons of your acrylic-latex semi gloss in this color-" he slid the paint sample across the counter. _

_"Six-" Meredith hiccupped. _

_"What?" Derek looked down at her. _

_"Six gallons," she corrected, and Derek took a long, deep breath. _

_"Six gallons," Derek echoed, and dared the man behind the counter to even look contradictory._

* * *

"Mer…" Derek spoke softly, trying to wake her before it started to sleet. He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Meredith…"

She stirred. Her hands went to her belly, and Derek knew that the baby was probably moving. He resisted the urge to stick out his hand for a feel. Pushing open his door, he hurried around to Meredith's side and helped her down. He held her elbow so she wouldn't slip as they navigated their way up the steps and onto the dark porch.

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as they pushed their way inside. She shook her head, and he helped her remove her coat. She was tired.

"Derek?" she yawned, and he answered:

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry if I was difficult…" and her apology was so honest and cute that all Derek could do was smile. He knew, for all the trouble that she was going to, that his mother and sisters would have to come. As his family was currently un-invited, Meredith could not know that all her worrying was for nothing.

"It's not your fault," Derek insisted.

"Okay, but we need to paint…"

And Derek said:

"No, not tonight."

"Okay." And he knew she was tired when she agreed.

* * *

Derek helped Meredith up the stairs, and wondered why the house was so quiet. Where was Izzie? And George and Alex? At the hospital, probably, or maybe at Joe's? He helped Meredith out of her maternity clothes and into her old Dartmouth t-shirt, the only article of pre-pregnancy clothing that truly still fit her.

"I found a name," she mumbled sleepily, and Derek said 'okay', because he thought she was probably too tired to know what she was saying. "Don't you want to know?" she asked quietly.

Derek smiled and nodded.

"Charlotte."

He paused to consider this.

"...Charlotte..." It was more a statement that a question. He was trying out the feel of it.

"The littlest quint," Meredith pointed out solemnly. "Kate, Lucy, Julie, Emily-"

"-Charlotte," Derek finished for her, because he remembered the Quintuplet case, and Charlotte had been Meredith's quint, and it was perfect. And he told her so. "…It's perfect, Mer."

And Meredith smiled, and drifted off to sleep holding his hand. And she was happy, just like that.

Derek watched her sleep, and the sleet outside the window gradually turned to snow as the hard sound of ice against the roof faded into a soft silence. A long time after Meredith had fallen asleep, Derek gently removed his hand from hers, and crept across the hall into George's old room. He closed the door, and cracked a window, and painted the plain, white walls the color of lavender skies. And three hours later -still smelling strongly of latex- he crawled into bed and laid his hand against Meredith's abdomen…and was rewarded with a tiny kick from his daughter. Meredith stirred and rolled over, and Derek wrapped her in his arms, and together, they slept.

* * *

_The song choice is reference to Derek's commitment to always being there for Meredith, no matter what. Even when she's driving him crazy by being indecisive about the paint choices. They've chosen a first name, 'Charlotte' and if you don't remember, there was an episode in season 2 or 3 (pretty sure it was 2) where a woman is brought in, pregnant with quintuplets, and Charlotte is the quint that Meredith is assigned to. So each intern kind of bonds with their quint throughout the episode: Cristina- Julie, Alex- Kate, George- Lucy, Izzie- Emily...or something like that. Izzie's quint ends up dying, but she learns a lesson, and Meredith's quint has problems with her lungs. In the end, Meredith makes the decision to put Charlotte with one of her sisters, and it turns out that that was a very good judgment call, and everyone praises her for it because Charlotte ends up recovering immensely. So that name has significance, as is becoming a theme with Meredith. She has a lot of emotions that have given her trouble in the past, and she's trying to overcome this part of herself. So there you go. Reviews, please!_ :)


	39. Chapter 39

Suggested listening:

"No Other Love"- Chuck Prophet

* * *

Derek washed his hands in the scrub room and tossed his scrub cap into the laundry bin. He sighed and ran a hand across the back of his neck. Six hours in surgery can give you some serious muscle spasms. He was tired, but the surgery had been successful, and his patient would live a long, normal life. It had, after all, been a beautiful day to save lives. Derek pulled out his pager and sent a message to Meredith:

_-Surgery successful. You ready? _

They were going Christmas shopping; they really had waited until the last minute to get it done. Derek loved Christmastime, it was a joy he had adapted from Addison, and it just kind of…stuck. Meredith wasn't big on holidays. She didn't say much by way of exclamation, and Derek didn't push it. He understood. Holidays had been a big deal before her father had left, and afterwards…well afterwards there wasn't much of anything to celebrate. An uncaring workaholic for a mother wasn't exactly cause for seasonal joy and thankfulness.

Derek wasn't exceptionally excited this year, anyways. It was his first true Christmas with Meredith, and they had spent most of the two weeks previous 'preparing'. As Meredith like to call it. Meredith. Just her name brought a smile to Derek's lips. It was ridiculous. When had he become this insanely happy, domesticated guy? It disgusted Mark, who used every free opportunity to tell Derek just that.

Derek glanced down at his pager; no response from Meredith. He looked at his watch. It was barely six. He knew Meredith was supposed to be off by five; any later meant she had worked longer than twenty-four hours, which according to Dr. Vann, she was not allowed to do. Derek didn't want her on her feet for that long anyways. He was extremely protective these days.

He had called his mom. It took every ounce of self control he could pull together to do it, but there was no way he could go the other route. The other route being to tell Meredith that all of her preparation had been for nothing, because oh, did I forget to tell you? I un-invited my mother and sisters. No, Derek definitely could not do that. So he had called his mother, and Nancy and Kathleen, and this was how it had sounded:

_"This is Linda Shepherd."_

_Derek's mother was a realtor, and apparently, this was how realtors answered the phone. Even if they could see on their caller ID that it was their one and only son. Especially if they were currently angry at said son._

_"Mom, its Derek."_

_Long pause. _

_"Nice of you to finally return a call."_

_"I'm sorry-"_

_"Nancy told me we've been un-invited."_

_Derek held back a sigh. _

_"Well, you haven't."_

_"So you're re-inviting us?"_

_Derek took a deep breath. _

_"Yes, mom. I'm re-inviting you."_

_"Oh well, that's nice. I'm glad you could be troubled to let us know-"_

_"It's no trouble, mom-"_

_"Even better," Linda words sounded forcibly light. "I'll have to let your sisters know, of course-"_

_"I can call them-"_

_"-they've all been concerned about your situation, you know-"  
_

_"Mom, please," Derek begged, "Please, please don't read into this."_

_"How can I not, Derek?" Linda demanded, like she had been waiting for this very moment. "My only son, divorced, and now he's with some intern-"_

_"She's not an intern, she's a resident-"_

_"Some woman I don't even know, but that obviously thinks its okay to involve herself with a man she works with. Her superior-"_

_"We were together before we knew we worked together!" _

_It was the truth. Sort of. _

_"Well that's convenient-" Linda was off and running, but Derek was committed to dealing with this, "-Was that before or after Addie showed up to remind you that you were still married?" _

_"Mom, just stop this, please-"_

_"Does Addie even know?" his mother demanded suddenly, as if this was some dire situation that needed to be explained to Derek's ex-wife, "Have you told her that this woman is pregnant?"_

_"Meredith," Derek spoke through gritted teeth. "Her name is Meredith. And why would I tell Addison? We're divorced, she lives in LA now. She could be married, for all I know-"_

_"She's not."_

_Significant pause. _

_"…And you know this because?" Derek demanded. He thought he knew the answer. _

_"Because we talk, of course," his mother declared flippantly. _

_Of course. _

_"Of course you do," Derek voiced aloud, irritably. "You'll talk to Addison, but you won't even give Meredith the benefit of the doubt-"_

_"For obvious reasons."_

_Derek rolled his eyes. His mother, of course, could not see this over the phone. _

_"Listen, we've been getting ready for your visit-" Derek was trying to take the civil route. _

_"We were un-invited, Derek. You can't have put much effort into it-"_

_Derek resisted the urge to disconnect the call. _

_"…We want you to come," he said finally. "Meredith wants you to come." Sort of. Meredith wanted them to come to get it over with. But Derek couldn't exactly tell Linda this. "She's giving you a granddaughter, you know," Derek said quietly. "It's a girl-"_

_"How nice." Derek thought he heard his mother's voice soften just the slightest. Although this could have been his imagination. _

_"What would be nice," Derek pointed out carefully, "would be for you to come down and meet her. I love her, mom," he hesitated, "…I've asked her to marry me-"_

_Pause. Derek tried to imagine what his mother was thinking. _

_"…You're getting married." Not a question. More like a statement. A slightly disbelieving statement. _

_"I asked her." _

_Did it really matter? Derek though it might. To his mother, at least. _

_"…We'll come."_

_Derek breathed a sigh of relief. _

_"Okay," he agreed. "I'm glad. Meredith will be glad," he reiterated. "I've already sent you the plane tickets-"_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay," Derek echoed. "Monday at four, I'll pick you up from the airport and we can go to dinner?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Mom?"_

_"Yes Derek?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"I have another call."_

_"Okay. Bye, mom."_

_"Goodbye, Derek."_

Success. Derek felt simultaneously hesitant and relieved. Hesitant because it was his mother and two of his sisters. Relieved because at least he had re-convinced them to come. Derek smiled, because now he would never have to tell Meredith that he had let her run around for the past week and a half preparing for something that Derek had almost undone. Almost.

* * *

_"Derek?" _

_Derek had decided to call Kathleen before Nancy, as in his opinion, she was the lesser of two evils. His sister had picked up on the first ring. She was prompt like that. _

_"Hi Kathleen."_

_"I've been calling."_

_"I know, I'm sorry."_

_"Kyle and Ava are still going with Jackson to his parents if you want me to come."_

_"We do. We want you to come." Derek smiled. Kathleen was the best. _

_"What flight?"_

_"I've bought the tickets already," Derek explained. "I sent them to mom. The flight's next Monday morning at nine-thirty."_

_"I'll have to reschedule some clients-"_

_Kathleen was a psychiatrist. She always had clients. _

_"Thanks, Kathleen."_

_"Next time trying returning my calls."_

_Derek nodded, a useless method of agreement when you were talking on the phone. _

_"How're Rebecca and Sarah?" he asked finally. _

_Pause. _

_"Are you asking me about our sisters because you'd rather not have to call them yourself?"_

_Derek grimaced. _

_"I'm not one of your clients, Kath."_

_"Obviously."_

_"You know I hate it when you analyze me like one-"_

_"And I don't like it when you refuse to return my calls."_

_Derek took a deep breath, because he wasn't going to win this one. _

_"So you haven't said what you think about Meredith."_

_"I haven't met her."_

_"Neither has mom or Sarah or Rebecca," Derek pointed out, "and they've had plenty to say."_

_"You're just asking for me to judge you, you know that, Derek? If you want me to be like Nance I will. But I'm willing to give her a fair chance."_

_Derek breathed a sigh of relief. _

_"…We've had a lot of problems. With the baby, you know." Derek didn't know why he was telling her this. _

_"How far along is she?"_

_"Seven months. Almost." he added. _

_"It's a girl?"_

_Derek nodded. _

_"Yes. Charlotte."  
"Pretty."_

_"Thanks."_

_"…How's Meredith doing?"_

_"Good I guess." Derek shrugged. "A little scared, probably. But she's handling it well. This…wasn't planned." _

_"I figured."_

_"Our OB-GYN told her she couldn't work more that twenty-four hour shifts."_

_"It must be hard for her as a resident," Kathleen observed. "I remember you and Nancy always complained about your hours-"_

_Derek beamed. He loved Kathleen. She had not called Meredith an 'intern'. _

_"Rebecca was worse," Derek pointed out. _

_Kathleen laughed. _

_"Rebecca was worse," she agreed. _

_"So I'll see you on Monday?" _

_"See you on Monday," she confirmed. _

_"Okay, great-"_

_"Derek?"_

_Another pause. _

_"Yeah?" _

_"…You love her?" She wasn't judging. She was merely asking. _

_"Yeah Kath, I do."_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay." Derek echoed. _

_"See you Monday."_

_"See you Monday," Derek agreed. _

Seriously? Two (mostly) successful phone conversations? With members of the Shepherd family? Of the extremely overly-involved, overly-protective Shepherd family? Derek pressed the speed dial for Nancy's number. He was about to try and go three for three.

* * *

_"Hello?"_

_"Nancy? It's Derek."_

_"Are you calling to tell me we've been re-invited?" _

_No preamble. No hello, how have you been? I'm fine, thanks. _

_"Yes," Derek said carefully, "How did you know?"_

_"Kathleen actually returns calls when I phone her."_

_"Of course." Derek rolled his eyes. "So you're coming?"_

_"Well, I shouldn't. Michael and the girls and I have been invited three other places but I've had to tell them that it's a 'no' for me just in case you got your act together and decided to start returning my calls-"_

_"If it's too much trouble-"_

_"It's not."_

_Derek wanted to ask Nancy why she always had to make a big deal about everything. _

_"Besides, I miss Mark," Nancy continued. "We worry about him, out there by himself-"_

_"You do realize that Mark slept with Addie-"_

_"Do you have to keep bringing that up?" Nancy demanded. "I thought you'd forgiven him-"_

_"This visit is about you coming down to meet Meredith," Derek insisted. "I want her to know that she has the support of my family. My loving family," Derek added, putting emphasis on the 'loving'. _

_"I heard you proposed."_

_Was that disdain in Nancy's voice? Indifference? Derek couldn't tell._

_"Yes."_

_"Hmm."_

_"Nancy-"_

_"Oh, don't start," Nancy accused bossily. "We're coming. We'll meet her. Although I've already met her and I think-"_

_"First impressions can be misleading, Nance," Derek cut across. "Just promise me you'll give it a chance."_

_Long pauses seemed to be the theme in all of Derek's phone calls lately. _

_"…Nancy?" _

_"Yes?"_

_"Promise?"_

_"We'll see."_

_"Thank you," Derek said happily. _

_But his sister had already hung up.  
_

That had been a week ago. His family would be here in two short days. Two _very _short days.

* * *

Derek found himself outside of the resident lounge on the third floor and pushed open the door. Empty. He walked over to Meredith's locker and twisted the combination lock. Her coat was still there, as was the apple and bottle of water he had put there for her this morning. Derek frowned and pulled out his cell.

Ring.

Ring.

"You've reached Meredith Grey…"

Come to think of it, Derek realized, he really hadn't seen Meredith at all today. She'd been working since five 'o clock yesterday evening, while Derek had been finished by six and didn't have to be back until this morning.

He hated those days, and he'd slept in the on-call room last night. He didn't like to be away from Meredith, especially now; and it didn't seem fair to him that she had to work the long hours _and _carry the baby. Of course Meredith had insisted that he go home. Actually, she had insisted that he go to the grocery store, and then go home. Derek had bought the groceries they would need for when his family came, but he wasn't going home without Meredith. Besides, the hospital beds were just as comfortable. Kind of.

Derek had been careful to keep a close eye on her these days. He knew she was tired, but she was following Vann's instructions to avoid bed rest, and he couldn't ask for much else. He left the lounge and went to check the OR board. Maybe she had scrubbed in on a surgery that had run late. Derek didn't see her name. He checked the on-call rooms.

He found Dr. Bailey on the elevator.

"Dr. Shepherd," Bailey nodded.

"Miranda," Derek greeted, in turn. "Have you seen Meredith?"

The shorter woman stared, and Derek frowned.

"…What?"

"Doesn't that poor girl ever get tired of you chasing her around?"

Derek shook his head and smiled.

"We were supposed to go Christmas shopping," he explained.

"Grey?" Bailey looked skeptical. "Christmas shopping?

"It was her idea," Derek pointed out proudly, as if to prove just how bright and shiny Meredith could be.

"Huh." Dr. Bailey considered this. "Never thought I'd say this Shepherd…but you may actually be good for her, after all."

* * *

_Derek was downstairs, arguing with Alex and George. _

_"-It still doesn't change the fact that I came home last night, and my room was purple!" George was exclaiming dramatically. _

_"Your old room, George," Derek pointed out. _

_"And my current room-" Alex added with a scowl. _

_"I think it's nice," Izzie tried to hide her grin behind her hand, "It really sets off your features, Alex."_

_"You wish," Alex spat. _

_"I don't have to wish," Izzie shot back, licking the muffin batter off of the mixing spoon. _

_"Ha, ha," Alex grumbled, and George sat with his head in his hands. _

_"Purple…" he said weakly. _

_"For Meredith," Derek pointed out, with added conviction. "Besides George, you're moving out."_

_Izzie scowled and turned away, and Alex chuckled. _

_"Lover's quarrel?"_

_George rolled his eyes. _

_Derek glanced up. _

_"So you can have the downstairs bedroom," he said to Alex, and took a sip of his coffee. _

_And then:_

_"Derek!"_

_Derek set his coffee down and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He burst into the bedroom. _

_"Meredith?" He didn't see her. She had been asleep fifteen minutes ago when he'd gone downstairs…_

_"…In here-"_

_"Mer?" Derek followed the sound of her voice into the bathroom. She was standing in front of the sink, looking into the mirror. "Mer?" Derek said again, cautiously. "What's wrong?"_

_"Popped." Meredith said vaguely. "…I've popped."_

_Derek hesitated. _

_"You've what?" He moved to stand beside her. _

_"I've popped." _

_Derek tried to decide if she sounded happy or distressed about this as she lifted her shirt to show him. _

_"My in-y is an out-y."_

_Derek considered this. _

_"…It is."_

_"It is," Meredith agreed solemnly, nodding and tilting her head to consider her baby bump. _

_"It's cute," Derek observed. _

_Meredith turned to study her profile in the mirror. She wrinkled her nose. _

_"I look huge."_

_Derek laughed. He couldn't help it. _

_Meredith scowled indignantly. _

_"It's not funny!"_

_"It is," Derek contradicted. "You think you're big? You're- you're nothing!"_

_Meredith stomped her foot. _

_"I'm not," she shook her head. She lowered her shirt and turned again to observe the rise of her stomach. Meredith wasn't a vain person. But Derek knew she had begun to feel increasingly insecure about her body. In truth, she really was nothing. Tiny arms and legs. Ankles that weren't swollen. Just a belly. And breasts, Derek thought, those were important too. But really, you could only tell she was pregnant in profile. _

_He watched, amused, as Meredith continued to critique herself in the mirror. _

_"Izzie's making breakfast," he said finally, and it was only then that Meredith paused to look up at him, as if she had been lost in her own little world. _

_She frowned. Stepped closer. _

_"…You've got purple in your hair," she said at last, and ran her fingers through his dark curls. _

_"Not just purple," Derek grinned, although he had not known it was there,"…lavender."_

_He waited for Meredith to make the connection. For a moment, she looked confused, and then:_

_"Lavender!" she squealed, and took off through the bedroom and into the hall, surprisingly agile for being almost seven months pregnant. _

_Derek followed calmly, and met her in their new nursery. _

_"Lavender," Meredith sighed happily, and she seemed to be drinking in the color. "It's beautiful…" She ran her hand just above the color, her nimble fingers barely grazing the wall as she traveled from corner to corner. "The stripe…Derek, you did this?" _

_And Derek nodded, because he had gone to bed at two in the morning…and woken up at six to paint a lighter, tiny striped design at waist level around the length of the room, all out of the need to please Meredith. His Meredith. _

_"It's beautiful," she said again, and when she turned to face him, her eyes were bright with tears, and she looked slightly embarrassed to be crying. "Thank you," she said, and she sounded slightly awed. And it was because at that moment, she couldn't believe how lucky she was._

* * *

Meredith was not answering her pages, and Derek was starting to get worried. Everyone he had asked all seemed to agree: no one had seen her since her last surgery. Because their shifts had been so sporadic these last few days, they had driven separately the day before. But Derek checked, and Meredith's jeep was still in the parking lot. He hurried back inside and rode the elevator up to the second floor. Obstetrics. It was a solemn thought, but surely, he would have known if something had happened. He would have known if something had happened to Meredith, and she was lying in a bed in one of these exam rooms…

Derek checked with the floor nurse. No, Meredith Grey had not been signed in. They hadn't seen her. And God knows they seen enough of her, lately, Derek thought. He exhaled, simultaneously concerned and relieved. Where was she? The cafeteria? Maybe; her cravings showed no mercy theses days. He took the stairs this time, came out in the hall, and headed past the welcome desk in the lobby and towards the nearly empty cafeteria.

No Meredith. Derek grew irritated. Why was it that whenever he needed Cristina, or Alex or Izzie or George, they were nowhere to be found? Surely one of them could have told him where Meredith was. It was like they had GPS tracking on one another. Or something.

Derek was heading back through the lobby when he saw her:

Lexie.

He slowed as they neared one another, and Derek -who had been avoiding her for nearly two weeks- knew that there was no escaping this time. Instead, he settled for an indifferent nod of the head…He was almost past her, she would be heading for the glass front doors, and he could continue on his investigation of the hospital…

"Dr. Shepherd-"

Derek winced. He tired to act as if he had not noticed; slowing his pace, but continuing towards the stairwell.

"Derek-"

He paused. Turned around.

"…Dr. Grey?"

Lexie hesitated. Opened her mouth to speak; thought better of it. Her eyes looked sad.

"…You haven't talked to me," she said finally. "We've scrubbed in on six different surgeries…not one word." She waited, and Derek ran a hand across his jaw (something he often tended to do when frustrated) and shook his head in disbelief.

"We've talked," Derek said finally, although he knew that was a lie. They hadn't talked. He'd made sure of that.

Lexie's face fell.

"…Derek-"

Derek looked away.

"I've got to find Meredith-"

"I would have come-" Lexie blurted as he turned to walk away. "If I knew they were going to page Meredith, I would have gone down to the ER…" She hesitated. "He killed someone," she said finally, as if she just couldn't wrap her mind around it, "he actually _killed _someone…"

Derek waited as she died off. He nodded, his expression somber.

"You deserve better," he admitted finally. "You _both _deserve better…you _and_ Meredith…" Derek paused, and there was a long silence. "…But she trusted you," he finished finally and his voice grew bitter as he spoke, "she trusted you to be the sister that you said you wanted to be, and at the first sign of trouble, Meredith was the one who had to deal with _him_…"

Derek pulled off his lab coat as he reached the door to his office. He felt guilty about how he had spoken to Lexie downstairs in the lobby, but the stress of the impending visit from his family (Why, _why_ had he gotten himself into that?) coupled with the stress of managing a pregnant Meredith had to be relieved somewhere. Although perhaps Lexie was not a fair choice… Derek sighed, pushed open the door to his office, and reached to turn on the light. He paused. Someone was asleep on his couch. He took a step closer and felt relief wash over him. It was Meredith.

* * *

_Hello everyone, and sorry it took me so long to update! Spring break, and no laptop! Plus, when I did try to update earlier today, the site was going through some process upgrades and wouldn't let me. But yeah, this was a huge (length-wise) chapter, and hopefully there will be more updates soon. Something else I wanted to mention that I am so excited about (Season 4 Spoiler Alert!): I was reading an article in Entertainment Weekly, and it was talking about how they're working on finishing up season 4 of Grey's…and Shonda Rhimes said that not only are they bringing back Ava/Rebecca AND Addison for about 3 episodes... Shonda said that the goal is to have Mer/Der together "for good" by the end of season 4!! So yeah, sooo excited. Cannot wait for April 24 when they bring the show back! Just wanted to share the good news. Review, please! _


	40. Chapter 40

Suggested listening:

"Come To Me"- Koop

* * *

Meredith was in the living room, helping Izzie decorate the Christmas tree.

"It's a real one, you know," Meredith pointed out, and Izzie leaned around a particularly long branch of the tree to look at her.

"What is?" Izzie asked curiously.

"The tree-" Meredith carefully placed one of the green glass ornaments on the branch above her.

Izzie stared.

"Derek picked it out," Meredith continued, oblivious, and Izzie giggled.

"You're actually serious-"

Meredith frowned and stepped back to admire her handiwork.

"Yes," she nodded. "Doesn't it smell nice? Like, like a-"

"-pine tree?" Izzie supplied with a snort.

Meredith glared.

"It's very nice, Meredith," Izzie quickly covered. "Derek did a good job."

"Mm-hmm," Meredith agreed.

The phone rang, and Izzie navigated through piles of ribbon, glass ornaments, and strings of red, gold, and green beads to reach it.

"Hello? George!" Izzie smiled. Apparently, she and George had resolved their attraction issues. They weren't together, but they were on good terms. "You got an apartment," she narrated aloud, so that Meredith could hear. "Uh-huh. We're decorating. Derek got a _real _tree-" she explained teasingly, and Meredith stuck out her tongue. "Yep," Izzie continued, "Come over…Oh the usual, Alex is upstairs avoiding the festivities while Meredith and I do all the work. She's going very slowly though, all of the McDreaminess has gone to her head-"

"I can _hear _you!" Meredith accused, and Izzie rolled her eyes.

"-I know!" she continued into the phone, "She's too happy, it's sick!"

"Quit talking about me!" Meredith demanded with a pout, and Izzie laughed.

"She's getting angry-not at all dreamy anymore…Yep, okay! Bye, George!" she called cheerfully, and clicked off the phone. Meredith glared.

"George is coming over," Izzie explained brightly.

Meredith smiled.

"He got an apartment?"

"Uh-huh," Izzie's voice sounded mumbled as she struggled to artfully drape a string of the beads. "With Lexie. Hey-" she added suddenly, "-that's reminds me, is she coming to dinner now that your dad is, you know…"

Meredith shrugged.

"I haven't asked. I suppose she's still invited, although Derek probably won't like it-"

"It's weird that he's so angry with her, isn't it?" Izzie leaned around the tree to look at Meredith. "I mean, he's usually so accepting. It was Derek who wanted you to make an effort with Lexie in the first place-"

"Yeah," Meredith agreed quietly. "We've talked about it…I think it's just best to let him be upset for awhile. He'll forget about it eventually…"

Izzie nodded and stepped back to critique her decorating job. She squinted.

"It's not too much, is it?" she asked, but Meredith knew it was probably more of a rhetorical question. She looked at what must have been yards of the green and red beads draped around and around the tree and shook her head.

"Oh, no," she said placidly.

* * *

George arrived at the house just as Derek was pulling into the driveway, finished with his extended shift at the hospital. They entered the house one after the other, but it was George who reached the living room first.

"Mm, it smells good in here," Derek called, "who cooked-" he stopped short as he arrived at the living room behind George.

"Oh. My. God," George observed solemnly.

Derek struggled not to grin. It was a long moment before he could trust himself not to burst into amused laughter. Self control, that was all he needed.

"You, ah, decorated," he announced finally, while George burst into hacking coughs to cover his laughter.

"Insightful," Meredith said crossly, and brushed a speck of glitter off of the shoulder of her sweater.

"It looks…nice," Derek finished, and George nodded zealously, straightening back up.

"Very nice," he added. "Very…glittery."

"Oh, we're not finished yet!" Izzie called out from behind the pine branches and Derek looked to Meredith for confirmation.

"_Not finished?" _he mouthed incredulously, and Meredith shrugged.

"Oh," Derek agreed finally, "Well, it can only get better, I guess…"

George snorted, and was nearly charged over as Meredith came stomping towards them, grabbing each of them by the arm and dragging them towards the foyer.

"Ow, hey!" George protested, and Meredith quickly disregarded him and turned to Derek.

"Don't. Say. _Anything._" She insisted reverently, and Derek, although skeptical, nodded.

"…But, what happened?" he asked finally, "Why're you so…so…" he searched for the word, "so sparkly?"

Meredith rolled her eyes irritably.

"Izzie bought snow glitter," she huffed.

"…Snow…glitter?" George repeated apprehensively.

"Yes," Meredith insisted adamantly. "Snow. Glitter. I don't know," she sighed. "She wanted to spray it on the windows…like in the store displays?"

"To make the windows look snowy-" Derek provided, and Meredith nodded.

"Uh-huh. She wanted to spray it on the windows, to make them look snowy-" she added, with an appreciative glance at Derek. "But then I pointed out that the windows _already _looked snowy, which made her all depressed, because she'd bought six cans of the stuff-"

"Oh, no," Derek anticipated dully.

"-Yes," Meredith nodded, and continued: "So then she decided to spray some on one of the ornaments, and it made them look all pretty and shiny-"

Derek grinned.

"No…" he said again.

"Yes!" Meredith insisted. "So she still had five cans left, and we wanted to make the _tree _look snowy-"

"-you sprayed it on the tree!" George interrupted gleefully, and burst into laughter. Meredith glared and turned to face Derek.

"…So we sprayed it on the tree," she said finally, embarrassed.

"Mer," Derek said quietly, and pulled her close to kiss her on the forehead. "…You sprayed it on the tree…"

"Yes," Meredith nodded against his chest, and Derek smiled at the thought of Meredith and Izzie, alone, trying to decorate their beautiful, real, hand-picked pine tree by making it look sparkly.

"It looks horrid!" Meredith observed tearfully, and Derek shook his head.

"It looks nice," he insisted, somewhat-honestly, and glared at George over the top of Meredith's head. "Doesn't it, George?"

"Uh-huh," George agreed absently, "…I'm just going to go upstairs, now-"

Derek watched him hurry away and turned back to face Meredith.

"Mer, it looks great," he reiterated, "Really."

"Really?" Meredith echoed.

"Yes," Derek nodded, and Meredith wrinkled her nose.

"You're lying!" she shrieked, and punched him in the arm. "It looks gross!"

Derek laughed. He could tell Meredith was trying not to do the same.

"Fine," he admitted. "It's is kind of…eccentric…" he died off, and Meredith bit her lip to contain a giggle.

"…Just don't tell Izzie, okay?" she insisted, "She'll die if she realizes that we don't like it-"

"You helped!" Derek pointed out.

"I have a slightly more realistic perception of sarcasm," Meredith replied sweetly. "To Izzie, great is great. Especially at Christmas," she added seriously.

"Okay," Derek agreed pulling her close for a kiss. After a moment he pulled back and frowned. "Please tell me you opened a window when you sprayed that stuff-"

"Um, no…" Meredith admitted sheepishly, and looked up at him. "We forgot."

"Those fumes are not good for you," Derek said concernedly.

"Its okay, Der," Meredith pointed out, "Izzie did most of the spraying-"

"You look like an Easter egg-" Derek observed skeptically, and Meredith looked down at the rise of her belly beneath the sweater, which was covered in sparkles.

"The little glitteries just kind of floated back towards me," Meredith refuted, "Izzie sprayed most of it," she said again. "She wouldn't let me do anymore after I got it in my mouth-"

"Your _mouth_?" Derek sighed, and tried hard not to sound too overprotective.

"Well, not exactly," Meredith explained, "It got on my hand, and then I wiped my mouth-"

Derek laughed and placed his hands to Meredith's belly.

"You know your mom is crazy, don't you Charlotte?" he called playfully, and Meredith pushed his hands away and pretended to be offended. "Besides," Derek teased as he wrapped his arms around her again, "there isn't such a word as 'glitteries'."

* * *

"Meredith, please don't use the stepladder," Derek called from his place on the floor. It was Sunday. His mother and sisters would be here tomorrow, and Meredith had assigned Derek to present-wrapping while she attempted to salvage their decoration job on the tree. The house was filled with a pleasant aroma. 'Izzie's teaching me to make a roast!' Meredith had declared excitedly, 'For when your family is here.' So far so good. Everything still smelled wonderful. Nothing was burnt, anyhow.

Yesterday -when Derek had come home to find the glittery mess in the living room- had been roast chicken day. Izzie, it seemed, had apparently deemed the crock pot easy enough for Meredith to use. Derek thought this was very insightful. Put the meat in: chicken or beef, season it, and let it stew. Easy, except that yesterday Meredith had forgotten to turn down the temperature at the right time. Needless to say, they had ordered in takeout last night.

But everything seemed to be going well today. So far, so good. Izzie and Alex were arguing in the kitchen, and every so often Derek would catch a few words:

'Look's like Santa's elves _threw up _on the tree-'

or:

'You've got the bigger room now, anyways-'

Derek was just waiting for them to realize that they were secretly in love with each other. Although it seemed Meredith had learned from yesterday's cooking mistakes, tonight, Izzie had decided to 'keep an eye on dinner'. She had spent the last hour in the kitchen, and by the sound of it, Derek had the sneaking suspicion that she was in there improving Meredith's cooking 'just a little'. Derek had no complaints, Besides, he had a job to do; and wrapping presents -he had quickly learned- was more difficult than it looked.

"Meredith," Derek called again as he looked up from the snowflake-themed paper with a frustrated sigh, "Please don't use the stepladder-"

Meredith huffed and glanced back over her shoulder.

"Why?" she demanded. The stepladder gave a precarious wobble and Derek stood quickly to steady it.

"Because it makes me nervous," Derek supplied practically, and Meredith gave another huff, completely unaware that he had just saved her balance.

"It's only four steps, Derek-"

"I know that, _Mer_," Derek insisted, equally annoyed, "But you're almost _seven _months pregnant-"

"I'm being careful-"

"If you are more pregnant that the amount of steps on the ladder, you can't be on said ladder-" Derek threw out.

"More pregnant?" Meredith clarified. "Is that even correct grammar? Besides, you just made that up-"

"No, I didn't," Derek lied. "There are four steps on the ladder. You are seven months pregnant. You forfeited the use of this stepladder three months ago-"

"Derek, you are really annoying us-" Meredith insisted, straightening a precariously-hung ornament before begrudgingly stepping down. "There? Happy?"

Derek nodded and pulled her close for a kiss.

"Happy," he echoed.

* * *

He had been trying to take care of her. Surprisingly, she was taking their doctor's advice. She was (reluctantly) adhering to her restricted schedule, she was actually taking things slowly; which, for Meredith, was a huge effort. Still, Derek had been keeping an eye on her. If she had a surgery, he was in the gallery. Interns giving her grief? Derek was there, threatening to withhold premium surgeries if they didn't get it together. If her meager breakfast didn't meet his healthy standards, he would meet her in the resident's lounge, orange in hand. Of course, for the most part, Meredith didn't _know _that Derek was doing these things. Luckily, they had both been granted leave for the holidays. Derek was now considered 'on call', while Meredith didn't have to go back at all until two days after Christmas (which, admittedly, was driving her crazy).

"You're going to have to finish this now," Meredith pointed out, glancing at the box of ornaments that had yet to be hung, "I'll do the wrapping-"

"Perfect," Derek was quick to agree. He helped Meredith onto the couch, but she quickly moved down to the floor.

Derek looked on skeptically.

"You could wrap them at the table, it'd probably be more comfortable-" he suggested.

"The floor is _fine_, Derek," Meredith insisted irritably, "I won't break. Besides, I can't go in there, Alex and Izzie are driving me crazy with their arguing-"

Actually, Meredith though secretly, Derek was driving her crazy. _Crazy. _When had he become so protective? She still had more than two months to go and already, he was closing in. She wasn't even scheduled to be back to work until two days after Christmas! What was she supposed to do for all of that time? When she had found out that Derek had requested that time off for the both of them, she was livid. Didn't he understand how miserable it was being pregnant and uncomfortable _and _bored? At least with work she had something to distract her.

He was trying to take care of her. Did he think she didn't realize this? If she had a surgery, he was in the gallery. Interns giving her grief? He was _there_, secretly threatening them! Meredith needed to let out her pent-up frustrations on her interns, and he was taking that outlet away from her. She needed to be the one to reprimand them, or they would never respect her. She could more than handle their complaints, after all, sometimes interns needed to be yelled at. But not anymore. Meredith didn't think she had ever seen better behaved interns than her own now, and all because of Derek. The worst was at mealtimes. If Derek even _thought _that she hadn't eaten well enough, there he was, 'nutritious' food in hand. 'For the baby, Mer'. If she opened up her locker to find an orange or an apple one more time-

"Here, Mer?" Derek was saying, motioning towards the ornament had had just hung on one of the higher branches, and Meredith looked up from her wrapping.

"That looks great," she nodded, and immediately felt guilty. She loved Derek. She was just getting a little tired of being pregnant.

* * *

_Didn't I promise another update? Well, I hope you liked this chapter; I know the last one was really long. I didn't realize until I posted it that it was so lengthy...which is actually a good thing, because usually it seems like you've written a ton and you get on the site to post and it just looks so...meager. I dunno. The song I chose for this chapter is rather Christmas-themed, and it's from the Grey's soundtrack, season 3. If you can find it, please listen: it's lighthearted but I feel like the lyrics are true to this chapter. Plus, it has a nice jingle-bell beat throughout. I'm really trying to move this story along to the more pivotal chapters I have planned out, but I want to do it right, and I don't want to leave things out. I want this story to be realistic. But surprisingly, this chapter just flowed out onto the page, which I'm very pleased about. What do you think? Reviews, please, please! :) _


	41. Chapter 41

Suggested listening:

"Someday"- Flipsyde

* * *

It was Monday afternoon, and at the moment, Derek was trudging across the 'temporary parking' section of the parking lot at Seattle Tacoma. It was hard to imagine that only a few months ago, the hospital had been overwhelmed with injured patients from a landing accident that had happened at this very airport. It seemed ages ago now, and Derek pushed the thought from his mind. He had more important things to worry about.

The flight had arrived a few minutes ago with no delays; which left Derek a little disappointed. He had (secretly) hoped for more time to mentally prepare for his family's visit; even if it did mean spending extra time waiting in the crowded airport terminal. It was a rare, cloudless day for Seattle in December, which Derek hoped could only be interpreted as a good sign… He climbed into the driver's side of his truck and circled around the far edge of the lot and back to the entrance of the airport, where his mother and sisters were waiting. He was trying to be a gentleman, but already, his mother had him a little confused. She was by no means high-maintenance -having five children tended to make one rather selfless, actually- but it was already more that clear that she would be in charge of this visit. Derek supposed he had brought it upon himself; after all, this had been his idea.

Shifting into park, Derek navigated through the slushy patches of snow and circled around the back of the truck to open the hatch. He took his mother's suitcase first, and immediately noticed the look of distaste on her face as she took in his Land Cruiser. He was definitely not the Derek he had been in New York; and he realized now that the changes would probably seem rather extreme to his mother and sisters. As soon as he had decided that he was leaving the city, Derek had sold his less than year-old Sport Performance Lexus to a friend, a rather odd trade-in for the older Toyota he drove now.

"What is this?" his mother asked finally, and Derek fit Nancy's luggage in next to Kathleen's, taking a moment to think before he said something he would regret.

"I told you so…" Nancy trilled next, in a condescending, sing-song voice, "it's a _Toyota_, mom."

It was a Toyota. But did Nancy have to say it that way? _Toyota_. Derek could practically taste her disdain. He knew from his sister Sarah that Nancy had come back from her last, rather unexpected visit with all sorts of ideas about the way Derek was 'choosing to live'. A glance in Kathleen's direction -she gave him a supportive smile- and Derek turned back to face his mother.

"It's a Land Cruiser, mom," he supplied half-heartedly, and Nancy smirked.

"It has no room," his mother commented. .

"It fits five," Derek explained, "that's more than my old Lexus-"

"That was a _luxury _car, Derek," his mother pointed out, as if he had no sense. As if he didn't know the type of car he had spent fifty-six grand on.

"I didn't need a Lexus in Seattle, mom-"

"Are you still a doctor?" his mother demanded. "You were a doctor in New York and you drove a Lexus, but you fly across the country to Seattle, where you're still practicing neurosurgery, and you need a- a Land Cruiser?" His mother pronounced it as if it were a foreign word. Land. Cruiser. She had driven a minivan for the majority of his childhood. Had she become that accustomed to having money now that all of her children practiced medicine?

Derek bit back a sigh.

"This is what I choose to drive, mom."

"He needs the four-wheel drive just to get to his trailer-" Nancy commented, and Derek shot her a glare.

"Its fine, mom, it's his life," Kathleen commented, and climbed into the backseat. She looked up from her spot and patted the seat beside her. "Come on, Nance."

Kathleen, Derek decided, was quickly becoming his favorite sister.

* * *

"Bumpy," Nancy complained, "this is just like the ATV's Michael used to ride around on-"

"Its fine," Derek mumbled, his jaw clenched.

"You need a family car, Derek," his mother insisted, "Something that will hold a car seat-"

"This _will_ hold a car seat-" Derek replied dully.

"It's not a _family_ car-" his mother persisted. "What does she drive?"

"_Meredith_, mom," Derek was growing steadily irritated, "_Meredith _drives a Jeep."

Nancy laughed, and Derek glared at her reflection in the review mirror.

"A Jeep is _not_ a family car-" his mother huffed.

"I always wanted a Jeep," Kathleen said wistfully, and Derek's grip on the steering wheel loosened slightly.

"You drive a Mercedes, Kathleen," Nancy nagged, "Why on earth would you choose a Jeep over a Mercedes?"

"A Mercedes is practical," Kathleen reasoned, "A Jeep is _fun_-"

"A Jeep is not a responsible vehicle to drive when you have an _infant_-" Linda interrupted critically.

"I thought we could go to Ermilios' for dinner," Derek offered quickly, attempting to field another round of debate, "Italian. It's one of our favorites-"

"Nothing's better than Serafina," Nancy exclaimed haughtily. Serafina was the best Italian restaurant in New York City, and Derek had been there many a time. …Addison had always loved Serafina. "Don't you remember, Derek?" she continued, "the wine and the music and the _view?"_

"We've got to go to Serafina when we get back," Linda agreed with a nod, and Nancy sighed.

"I just don't _get_ it, Derek…" Nancy complained, "You trade gorgeous New York City for dreary, rainy Seattle. A townhouse in Soho for a trailer in the middle of _nowhere…_This isn't you. You're dressing differently, you leave New York-Presbyterian to come to Seattle Grace, you go _fishing. _What's wrong with Central Park, Derek? That's all the nature you need. And _Ermilio's? _You and Addison _loved_ Serafina-"

Derek shook his head angrily.

"I don't want to talk about Addie," he demanded. "I don't want to talk about _New York. _I live in Seattle now. Seattle is where I want to be. With _Meredith_," he added forcefully.

"Fine," Nancy huffed, "but still-"

"Nancy!" Derek said warningly.

"Humph!" Nancy crossed her arms and glared sullenly out the window.

Derek pulled up outside of Meredith's house and shifted into park.

"Here we are," he announced, and glanced into the review mirror. His mother and sisters were eyeing the house.

"This is her house?" his mother asked, and Derek tried to decide if she was intoning that it wasn't good enough.

He decided he was reading too much into things.

"This is where we live," he answered finally.

"Both of you?" Nancy raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Meredith and I both," Derek reiterated.

"You live together? What about the trailer?"

Nancy was really pushing it.

"We're having a _baby _together," Derek pointed out, "So yes, we live together. This isn't just some- some careless _thing, _Nance, I've asked her to marry me. We're getting married. I _love_ her-"

"I was only _asking_-"

"Well, forget about the trailer," Derek instructed, "The trailer was only temporary."

"Fine."

"Fine," Derek echoed, pushing open his door. He walked along to the far side of the truck to open the door for his mother. He had picked them up from the airport. He had driven them to the hotel, where he was forced to wait for almost an hour while they changed into clothes for dinner. And then swapped and traded and reconsidered their choices, until each of them was wearing something completely different than what they had chosen in the beginning. The entire ordeal had been one huge eye roll. Derek though he might have strained an optic muscle.

But really, Derek realized as he led them up the icy porch steps, that was nothing. He knew Meredith was stressing out about this, which worried him. This was the moment that Derek had been preparing for. This was what he had been bracing himself for since six o'clock this morning. His mother and sisters were about to meet the mother of his unborn child, the love of his life. And the worst thing?

Derek had brought this all upon _himself._

* * *

Derek pushed open the front door and stepped back to let Linda, Kathleen, and Nancy inside first.

"Mer?" he called timidly as he closed the door behind them.

His mother and sisters looked around. Derek wordlessly took their coats and hung them on the brass hooks beside the door.

"Meredith?" he called again; a little louder. Derek was suddenly very grateful that Alex, Izzie, and George were all at the hospital today. He did not feel like having to go into detail about Meredith's friends living with them as roommates. Not at the moment, anyhow.

There was brief pause before Meredith came trotting expectantly down the stairs, looking gorgeous in a black maternity dress that she had insisted Derek help her choose special for the occasion.

"Derek, hi-" she paused shyly and Derek hurried over and took hold of her hand in an unspoken show of support.

"Mom, Nancy, Kathleen: this is Meredith-" Derek led her further into the foyer towards his family. "Meredith, this is my mother Linda, and my older sisters Kathleen and Nancy."

"Hi-" Meredith said again, and immediately blushed. "It's nice to meet you-"

Meredith could feel the gaze of each of Derek's family members give her the once over and linger upon the curving swell of her belly. Derek noticed this too, and cleared his throat pointedly.

Derek's mother seemed to snap out of her trance and stepped forward obediently.

"Linda," she announced, and extended her hand. "It's nice to meet you, Meredith-"

Meredith returned the greeting with her bravest smile as she took in the woman in front of her. She was slightly taller than Meredith herself (although most were) so that she found her gaze traveling upward to meet the woman's eyes, blue like Derek's…although darker, somehow. Her hair was light blonde -it looked natural- and she had soft features, but guarded. She gave off a slight sense of superiority, and whether in was intentional or not, she was doing a perfect job of intimidating Meredith.

Kathleen was next.

"Almost seven months along," Kathleen clarified, "and this is how you look? Women must hate you," she observed enviously. "I looked two times as big as you at _five _months. People kept asking me if I was having multiples…" Kathleen didn't look like she had ever been pregnant. Her body was perfect; slender legs and waist, square, even shoulders. Her eyes were Derek-blue: warm and bright. She matched Meredith's height almost perfectly, and emitted a causal, carefree persona, even in her fitted blazer and heels. Her hair was long and dark, with natural waves, and she gave Meredith a winning smile and a sort of half-hug.

Meredith immediately decided that she liked this sister best.

Nancy glanced awkwardly towards Kathleen and stepped forward half-heartedly.

"Nancy-" she declared, "and we've met."

"It's nice to see you again," Meredith lied, and glanced at Derek for approval. She felt him give her hand a brief squeeze and relaxed slightly. Meredith _had_ met Nancy before…unfortunately. She couldn't even stop herself from thinking the thought; she had an acute dislike for Derek's oldest sister. Even seeing her now, she couldn't stop herself from recalling the names that Nancy had called her on her last visit: 'slutty intern', 'home wrecker'…

Nancy had sleek dark hair and hard, brown eyes; she was completely at odds with the other siblings in the room. Her voice was haughty and judgmental, and even now a tiny hint of a smirk played across her face as she gazed at the way Derek gripped Meredith's hand in his own.

Meredith dropped Derek's hand, looking for something to use it for so that she wouldn't be standing here in front of Derek's mother and sisters, clutching at her boyfried/sorta-fiancée's hand. Finally, she settled for placing it against her belly, which immediately drew Derek's attention. He looked down at her in concern.

"You alright?"

Meredith looked up and him and nodded.

"Uh-huh." She glanced at Nancy, whose smirk had now manifested into a mean-spirited sneer. "Um…would anyone like something to drink?" she offered awkwardly, and both she and Derek waited expectantly.

"…The reservation isn't until six-" Derek explained, to fill the silence.

"Fine," Nancy agreed, and Linda nodded.

"Great," Derek gave a relieved smiled and led them towards the living room. "It's just through here-" Somehow Meredith's hand had found it's way back to Derek's, and they followed Linda and Nancy, with open-minded Kathleen just in front of them. She turned and cast a supportive smile over her shoulder at Meredith and Derek, and Meredith found herself smiling back.

"Oh my…" Nancy stopped suddenly and Kathleen nearly ran into her, forming a sort of jam into the opening to the living room. Linda peered back towards Meredith and she blushed crimson, knowing that they had seen the tree. Derek glanced down at her and gave her a sort of half-shrug, and Meredith managed a reassuring smile, if only to keep Derek's concerns for her at bay. He led her the rest of the way into the living room, and Meredith bit the inside of her cheek, willing herself not to cry.

"It's…certainly festive," Linda supplied, perching on the edge of her chair and gazing towards the tree.

"It's…my roommate," Meredith attempted to explain, "she loves holidays…"

"It's rather garish, don't you think?" Nancy observed, and Meredith felt Derek's hand tighten around her own.

"I love it," Kathleen declared pensively as she sat. She took in the tree. "Jackson and I let the kids decorate our tree every year…That's my husband," she explained in afterthought.

Meredith nodded.

"…You said roommate."

Both Derek and Meredith turned to Linda, and Meredith suddenly realized why Linda's eyes appeared so dark and uncaring; they only brightened when she was talking to one of her children. The set, determinedly calm nature seemed to be reserved only for Meredith.

Derek hesitated.

"Alex and Izzie; they're residents at the hospital," he explained finally. "They live here, too-"

"Do you rent?" Linda interrogated, seemingly ignoring Derek and turning to Meredith.

"It's Meredith's house, mom," Derek cut across. "She owns it."

Linda continued to gaze at Meredith, who picked distractedly at the couch cushion.

"It was my mother's," she offered, by way of the explanation that Linda seemed to want.

"I see," Linda nodded. "And where is she?"

"_Mom-_" Kathleen cut across, and Derek frowned. There was a long silence during which Meredith noticed that tiny flakes of snow were floating past the window.

"You don't have to talk about it," he offered supportively, and kissed the top of her head.

Meredith willed herself to stop picking at the couch.

"It's okay," she shrugged, and looked across at Linda and Nancy. "My mother had Alzheimer's. She passed away," she explained, "last year."

Linda nodded.

"I'm sorry," her tone was clipped, precise.

There was an awkward silence.

"So…" Nancy was the first to speak again, "You live with _two_ other people?"

Meredith nodded and wriggled her fingers; Derek's grip on her hand was growing increasingly tight.

"They're friends, also," she explained timidly. "We all had the same resident, and they needed a place to stay. I had spare rooms, so George and Izzie moved in-"

"There are _three_ of you?" Linda demanded, and Meredith stammered to a halt.

"Well no, George moved out, and Alex moved in. We needed a room for the nursery-" she felt herself growing increasingly flushed as she rambled and immediately died off.

There was another long pause during which Linda's gaze lingered on the Christmas tree and Meredith stared at the floor.

"So, when are you due?" Nancy asked causally, eyeing Meredith's stomach.

"In March," she looked to Derek, a hand instinctively going to her belly.

"The twenty-fifth." Derek spoke gruffly.

Nancy nodded and re-crossed her legs.

"Hmm," she said after awhile.

"And how old did you say you were?" Linda asked.

"She didn't-" Derek cut across firmly.

"Der-" Meredith exclaimed quietly, and pulled her hand from his painfully tight grasp. She flexed her fingers and Derek gave her an apologetic look.

Kathleen straightened and leaned forward.

"So Meredith, have you decided on a specialty?"

Meredith considered this, and finally looked to Linda.

"I'm twenty-eight," she said frankly, and turned to face Kathleen within the same breath. "And I was actually leaning towards neurology-" Meredith made sure to make her voice sound warmer as she addressed the younger of Derek's sisters, "but I haven't specifically declared."

Derek beamed, but Nancy made an audible sound of disbelief.

"_Excuse you_," Derek said pointedly, and Nancy rolled her eyes.

"Neurosurgery, Derek?" she observed sarcastically, seemingly uncaring that Meredith was still in the room. "How original."

Derek stood quickly, and Meredith just as quickly tugged him back down.

"Derek," she begged warningly, her voice barely audible, "It's fine..."

"She's an excellent doctor," Derek declared defensively. He glanced to Meredith. "She's going to be an amazing surgeon." He gazed at her proudly, but underneath, his eyes were dark and clouded with anger.

"My person Cristina, she's going into cardio-" Meredith began, in an effort at diversion. She was finding it surprisingly easy to deal with the judgment from Derek's family. As much as she had been dreading their visit, was what they were saying any worse than what she had taught herself to endure from her own mother?

"Your person?" Linda interrupted, her eyebrows raised inquisitively.

"Her best friend-" Derek's voice was harsh. Meredith gave him a look.

"My best friend," she reiterated, "But I've really had more experience in neurology-"

"I bet," Nancy observed, and Meredith placed a hand on Derek's knee in an effort to restrain him.

Nancy saw this, and smirked.

Meredith grasped for something to say, anything to break the tense overhang of things unspoken; observations unvoiced. She felt flushed; Charlotte was uncharacteristically still within her, as if she could sense her mother's stress. And, Meredith realized, she probably could. She forced herself to calm down by taking quiet, even breaths, and Derek noticed this and placed a protective hand to the rise of her baby bump.

"She's quiet," Derek observed, and Meredith nodded. Mentally, she could handle this; but since their last doctor's visit, her body had become accustomed to minimal stress. And Meredith did not want the snide judgment from Derek's family to affect her baby.

"Drinks-" Meredith said finally, and stood up in a sudden desperate need to escape. "We need drinks…um, what would everyone like?"

"Mer," Derek stood, "Let me-"

"No," Meredith insisted, uncharacteristically adamant, "You stay with your family; _I'll _get the drinks-"

"I'll help," Kathleen declared brightly, and Meredith glanced at her and found she didn't care either way. She attempted to smile.

"We've got iced tea, and water," she listed, "um, and I think sprite-"

"Tea-" Linda and Nancy spoke simultaneously, and Meredith nodded.

"Okay-"

"With lemon," Linda added, and Nancy nodded.

"With lemon," she echoed.

Meredith looked to Derek.

"I'm fine," he said quietly, and Meredith nodded and hurried out of the room.

* * *

Her cell phone was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, and it was ringing. Without stopping to consider that it was impolite with Kathleen right behind her, Meredith strode to the counter and picked it up in a desperate attempt at escape.

"Hello?"

"I just kicked major cardio ass!"

"Cristina?"

"Duh. I just scrubbed in with Hahn," she reiterated, "and kicked major cardio ass! I am a cardio god!"

"Technically you're a goddess," Meredith corrected miserably.

"Whatever. I'm calling to see how it's going with Derek's Addison-adoring family-"

Meredith couldn't help it; she let out a loud sob.

"That bad?" Cristina sounded surprised. "What about McDreamy? He better be standing up for you-"

"He is," Meredith insisted tearfully, with a glance towards Kathleen. Derek's sister looked surprised, but had the tack to turn hesitantly around and pretend to look through the refrigerator for the tea pitcher.

"Well then what's going on?" Cristina demanded, "If he's standing up for you they can't be saying much, can they?"

"That's the problem!" Meredith cried, "No one's saying anything and it's awkward-"

"It's awkward?" Cristina repeated in disbelief, "Tell a joke or something-"

"-and Derek's angry," Meredith continued despairingly, "I think my finger may be broken-"

"He broke your finger?" Cristina sounded incredulous, "Mer, what-"

"He didn't really break it," Meredith sniffed, moving closer towards the living room to hear what was being said. Whatever they were saying was muffled, but it sounded tense and angry. "They're arguing!" Meredith moaned miserably, "_Why_ couldn't you have taken off of work to be here…"

"I _requested _to work, Meredith," Cristina pointed out, "I don't do families, remember?"

"Yes," Meredith placed a hand against her belly and willed Charlotte to move. "But I'm your person, Cris, and I really, really, need you-"

"You have sappy mushy love with McDreamy," Cristina reminded disgustedly, "You don't need me-"

Meredith sniffed. Cristina heaved a sigh.

"Okay Meredith, listen to me," she announced, "You said so yourself: Naveen is a controlling obstetric bitch who lives across the country and who isn't even McDreamy's favorite sister-"

"Nancy-" Meredith corrected sullenly, with a glance towards Kathleen.

"Whatever," Cristina continued. "She liked _Addison_, remember? And Addison was way too Prada-Gucci-Matt Jacobs for me-"

"Mark-" Meredith supplied meagerly.

"What?" Cristina demanded, "What does pretty boy Sloan have to do with this? Other than the fact that I'm going to be McBaby's godparent, and he's not-"

"No," Meredith reiterated, "It's Mark. Mark Jacobs…" she heaved a sigh. "Never mind-"

"Right," Cristina continued, "What I'm saying is, she liked Addison, who was totally way too controlling for McDr- for Derek," Cristina corrected herself, in an attempt at seriousness. "Besides, she's an OB/GYN?" Cristina sounded disgusted. "She's not even surgical…Does she know how to repair a brain clot? Reroute a heart valve?"

"Maybe a baby heart-" Meredith hypothesized quietly.

"Maybe," Cristina admitted, "but she is definitely not an ass-kicking surgical goddess like we are-"

"I guess," Meredith agreed half-heartedly.

"Okay then," Cristina agreed decidedly, "Bailey's paging me, so…this whole 'moment' thing? It kind of has to end-"

"I know," Meredith pouted.

"-and _you _have to get back to the Shepherd family reunion-" Cristina reminded in a sing-song voice.

"I _know_-" Meredith repeated.

"Yang!" Meredith heard Dr. Bailey's indignant voice echo through the line, "What do you think you're do-"

Click.

"Hello?" Meredith called sullenly. "_Hello_?" Meredith gave an indignant huff and closed her phone. Kathleen was looking through the cabinets now, and gave a distracted sort of half-glance in Meredith's direction. "…Sorry," Meredith said finally.

Kathleen shrugged.

"I'm a psychiatrist," she explained nonchalantly, "freak-outs are like, my thing."

"Oh," Meredith acknowledged with a nod.

"Besides, they can do that to do you," she inclined her head towards the living room, "Especially when Baby Derek's involved-"

Meredith giggled and Kathleen smiled.

"So, I've been looking for the glasses," she explained finally, giving a futile shrug in the direction of the last cabinet she had been rummaging through.

"Oh-" Meredith stepped forward, "Here." She pulled the glasses from the cabinet and passed them to Derek's sister.

"I don't think you have any lemon though," Kathleen added as she filled them each in turn. She felt like she owed Meredith an explanation: "I promise my mother isn't really this high-maintenance, she's just…you know," she twisted her lips together in a sort of quizzical expression as she searched for the right words, "way too controlling when it comes to Derek," she finished blatantly.

Meredith laughed this time, and before she could stop herself, heard herself asking:

"What's Nancy's excuse?"

Meredith froze and clapped a hand over her mouth in surprise. Kathleen stared openly for a moment before bursting into laughter.

"Nancy's just…" she searched for an adequate way to explain her sister, "Nancy," she finished finally. "She's not really on anyone's side…she's really just here to," Kathleen shrugged, a gesture Meredith found oddly unassuming, "stir things up, you know?" She glanced up at Meredith and smiled. "She's really rather decent when she gives herself half a chance to act like a normal human being; she'll come around…"

Meredith gave a contemplative nod and worried on the edge of her bottom lip with her teeth. She surveyed the kitchen distractedly; the sounds of the ensuing argument in the living room drifted past her and died away, and out of habit, she wrapped a supportive hand beneath her belly and nervously drummed the countertop with the other.

"Lemon," she muttered finally, and with newfound resolve, bent to explore the contents of the refrigerator in search of the fruit.

* * *

_Hi guys! So, you are kind of spoiled this time, because this is a very long chapter. Really quick: the song this time is "Someday" by Flipsyde, a group I've just recently come across, and if you've ever heard this song, I really feel like it plays into this chapter quite well. It's a bit more loud-ish/upbeat from what I usually pick, but this chapter is about Mer/Der forming a untied front against his visiting family, so I thought it was an adequate choice. _

_I seriously considered both extremes to the whole Derek's family visiting thing: they could either be incredibly mean, or...well, halfway decent. And in this chapter, I felt it stayed pretty evenly in between (maybe showing a little favor towards the not so nice...) But, yeah. Obviously, Derek's family has kind of had to come to terms with Derek's divorce from Addison, because if I was actually trying to follow the Grey's timeline...Derek and Addie would have been separated for awhile before Meredith found out she was pregnant. I pointed this out in the beginning, but for those of you who are just joining...Everything in seasons 1-3 happened, it's just season in season 4 that my story starts to take a turn from what actually happens in the show, as that was (approximately) when I began writing this story. I've tried to include little things that have happened in season 4 since then, ie: Mark crushing on Erica Hahn and George and Lexie getting an apartment together...things like that.So basically, Addie left for LA and Mer/Der dated/tried to figure out their relationship for a few months before Meredith even found out she was pregnant. So there are some things Der's family have been forced to come to terms with. He's obviously not getting back together with Addison as they don't even live in the same state anymore...but the whole pregnancy thing? It's going to be tough for Mama Shepherd (and Nancy) to swallow. Thankfully, it looks like Meredith may have an ally in Kathleen. So I think the whole meeting the family thing is going decently well for what it is, because basically (to his family, at least) it kind of looks like brilliant neurosurgeon Derek has divorced his wife of 11 years, found a girlfriend, knocked her up...and is now trying to convince them (his family) to like her. So it's coming across as this twisted sort of midlife crisis. Does that make sense...?_

_Secondly: I told you a few chapters back that there would be a fair bit more of mainly Mer/Der interaction soon, and I feel like I've definitely shown the two together more these past few chapters. This next part could be good or bad news, because according to my mental outline, there's really going to be a lot more of Mer/Der together as Meredith finishes out her last three months of the pregnancy. This personally makes me a little sad, because I've noticed that whenever I need to move Mer/Der's storyline along, the other characters kind of get the back burner. Which sucks, because I so love writing Cristina (although I seem to be having a type of mini writer's block when it comes to writing about Meredith's person lately...) There's also Erica Hahn, whom I wish I could give more story time, and man-whore Mark, and Izzie, and Alex and just...everyone. You're probably thinking that I could be spending my time trying to include them rather than writing about it in this incredibly long author's note, right? I wish I could, but without my laptop, I'm managing very little computer time, and I want things to be perfect when I update; I really wish I was the type of person who could get one of these chapters out in an hour... But seriously, it's really starting to kill me, and I know updates have not been nearly as frequent, however: reviews help! _

_One last thing: _

_Thank you to:_

_jimemon, MissRe, and merderfan05, for your ever-insightful feedback_

_Dana and candylandgal, whose reviews (seriously) keep me going_

_and_

_malfoyie456, deviant-butterfly, TVHollywoodDiva, gaforever, AlwaysAndForeverOTH_

_...I've been trying to respond to as many of your reviews as possible...I love them all! Thank you so much to EVERYONE who takes the time to give feedback; you're awesome. Also to those of you don't have an account or are anonymous, thank you too; I would reply if it would let me!_

* * *


	42. Chapter 42

Suggested listening:

"Heaven Forbid (Live)"- The Fray

* * *

The silence in the car was deafening. As Derek drove, he thought it would fill and fill and fill his ears until all he could hear was the sound of the rubber wipers skidding across the cold glass of the windshield. Dinner had been horrible. Unimaginably horrible. His family has ripped Meredith apart, and she had sat there, and she had taken it. Derek was beyond irate…he felt threatened. His family had hurt the mother of his child and Derek had been forced to allow it. He hadn't wanted to. He wanted to stand up and scream at them; he wanted to tell them to go back to New York and never return.

Meredith had sat there, beautiful, smart…vulnerable, and just when Derek had felt as if he couldn't take it any longer, she had quietly grasped his hand beneath the table and squeezed. _Just let me, _Derek had wanted to say. But Meredith only shook her head and smiled and nodded and…_accepted_ the judgment that his mother and Nancy had been throwing at her all night. Derek didn't understand, and this only fueled his feeling of hopelessness as the night dragged on.

He cast a furtive glance at Meredith as he drove, his jaw clenched, brow furrowed. He had just paid nearly three hundred dollars for a dinner in which he was forced to endure the condescending, presumptuous opinions of his family. His family. They had hardly acted like it. The entire passive-aggressive theme of the evening had left him reeling for some sort of explanation. Did his mother really think that they could act the way they had, and everything would be fine? That they would just go on, and Derek could pretend to overlook their behavior?

He sighed as Meredith let out a quiet sniff and placed a hand to her belly. Derek wanted to know what she was thinking. He wanted to console her and refute all of the twisted judgments his family had oh-so-casually (and effectively) placed upon her. He slowed as the road curved and again glanced in her direction. Her gaze hadn't wavered from it's long, sad stare out the passenger window since they had dropped his family off at the hotel, and Derek's heart broke.

"Mer…" he tried -for the second time that night- but she merely blinked and continued to stare forlornly out across the icy shoulder of the road.

If only he had done it; if only he had stood and shoved his chair away and told his family -sans Kathleen- to pack their things and leave…maybe that's what Meredith had wanted. Maybe she had wanted Derek to stand up for her, and he just hadn't. He just…needed to know what she was thinking. Anything but this. Because Derek knew what she was doing; she was bottling it up. First step, take everything in, all the judgment, and spite…and then, secondly, internalize it. This would follow with a whole variety of emotions ranging from defiance, to casual acceptance, to anger. Add in a little avoidance and an unhealthy dose of denial, and there you had it. Meredith would be full on ignoring the problem in no time. It was afterwards -Derek knew- after days or even weeks of pretending that everything was bright and shiny and (God-forbid) _fine_…that all the time spent denying the problem would get to her. The littlest thing would set her off…or the pressure to confront the 'non-problem' and let Derek help her would get to be too much, and there you'd have it: a full-on emotional breakdown.

Derek sighed, a long, despairing sound in the silence of his truck, and hesitantly reached for Meredith's hand. She took it wordlessly (and without even a glance in his direction) and Derek squeezed it gently to let her know that he was there. And that was it; Meredith lost in her thoughts, as Derek was left to ponder his own.

* * *

Back to his family. They had done damage; Derek was still in the process of assessing, but he knew that much. They had shaken her confidence, and gradually taken her down…one brutal exclamation at a time. Harsh critiques of everything from how Meredith was dressed to what she ordered for dinner seemed to punctuate the end of every sentence. Kathleen complimenting her on her physique? Nancy was right beside her, reminiscing and comparing to each individual time that she had been pregnant. They talked about her age, they talked about the college she had gone to and the grad school she had attended. Everything was up for discussion. Once, when Meredith thanked the waiter and smiled, his mother actually accused her of being too flirtatious. It was as if Meredith was an open book that had been left upon the table to ponder through.

They compared OB/GYN's:

'If you're going to have a baby, you really should at least have a decent obstetrician…Robert Vann? I've never heard of him, are you sure he's licensed?'

They compared residency programs:

'Seattle Grace is fine…but you lived in Boston, didn't you? Why not choose someplace significant? Boston United Medical would have been a much better choice…'

They even compared colors for the nursery that had _already_ been painted:

'Purple? You really should have gone the more sophisticated route…Green is the new pink, you know…'

They critiqued natural versus drug-induced versus cesarean birth, even going so far as to accuse Meredith of being naïve when they learned that she planned to go the natural, drug-free way of things. They drilled her on her cooking abilities and housekeeping skills:

'Derek works long hours, I should at least hope you'll be able to provide for him…'

and even her income:

'You need to chose something that offers financial stability. That's where your focus should be. How on earth do you expect to raise a child from inside the OR? You'd be much better off in family practice, or maybe pediatrics…'

By the end of the night, Derek was seething. His family was truly unbelievable. And Meredith…well, it was as if the night had drained her of everything she had left. Derek turned left onto the residential street and cut the ignition outside of Meredith's house. He glanced up towards the windows; the lights were on, which meant Alex or Izzie or both were home, but he needed to talk to Meredith before she had a chance to go inside and pretend everything was fine.

He needed to console her, to figure out what she was feeling. But first, he just needed her to _talk._

"Mer…" he started apprehensively, turning in the seat to look at her, "I know tonight didn't go very well, and I'm sorry…" Derek died off, waiting for some kind of response, but Meredith only continued to stare meekly out the window. She looked small. She looked small and fragile and halfway to broken. Derek tried again:

"Meredith, please just…talk to me. What are you thinking? Just…tell me-" Derek reached out to finger at the ends of her hair and Meredith resisted the urge to cringe. "Meredith…"

Derek's words drifted away, leaving them in silence. Meredith picked at the hem of her dress and gave another miserable sniff, fiercely brushing away a lone tear that had managed to escape and roll down her cheek.

"It's fine," she finally managed to say, but her voice sounded exactly the opposite, strained in her effort to resist crying.

"Meredith-" he was cut off as she gave a tiny shuddering gasp, and Derek thought that she was about to let him in; she would cry and he would console…but she merely bit down hard on her bottom lip to restrain the sound, and Derek sighed. Shut out, and she wasn't going to let him in. He pushed open his door and walked around the front of his truck to help Meredith, but she was already easing herself out, so Derek shut her door and followed despairingly as she pulled her coat tight around her and ascended the porch steps.

"You don't want to talk about it right now," Derek observed as joined her next to the door and fit his key into the lock, "that's fine, but-" Derek stopped short as Meredith slipped past him and into the house as he pushed the door open, leaving him alone on the porch, his attempt at a consoling speech still resting on his lips. She hurried up the steps, and moments later Derek heard the distant sound of her bedroom door being slammed shut.

"Fuck…" Derek spat, frustrated, surprising even himself (as he rarely used extremities).

Cristina must have heard the sound, because moments later, she ambled into the foyer, casting a fleeting glance towards the stairs before turning to face Derek.

"Well don't just stand there," she demanded casually, eyeing the open door beyond which Derek still stood.

Derek felt his mouth hanging open in surprised disbelief at Meredith's actions, and it almost would have been comical had he not been so angry. Finally he managed to wipe his snowy shoes on the mat and close his gaping jaw and he stepped into the warm foyer, understandably irritated.

"I'm guessing dinner didn't go so well," Cristina observed amusedly, casting another lingering glance towards the stairs, "Although honestly, I can't say that I'm surprised." She raised an eyebrow as Derek hung up his coat and turned to face her, a bitter look on his face.

"And why is that?" he asked, in mock curiosity, but Cristina merely shrugged, unaffected by his attitude.

"It's Meredith," she offered, by way of what was apparently supposed to be blatant observation.

"It wasn't just Meredith," Derek was quick to jump to her defense, "It was me…it was my family," he added despairingly. "It was a stupid idea even inviting them here," he complained bitterly.

"That's a bit of delayed hindsight," Cristina chuckled, crossing her arms to lean against the staircase.

Derek glared.

"I mean, I knew Meredith would hate it, she's nearly incapable of dealing with families…but you? Who could have _possibly_ seen this coming?" she continued in mock surprise, "McDreamy takes up with an intern, divorces his wife of like, over a decade, gets said intern pregnant, and then invites his family across the country for a friendly meet and greet?" she pointed out, ticking the offenses off on her fingers, "There's no way that could possibly go wrong-"

Derek flushed; he knew Cristina was right. What _had _he been thinking?

"What do you want, Yang?" he demanded.

"I'm here to see my person," Cristina explained haughtily, "and I'll overlook you obvious disappointment, if only because I feel a little sorry for you-"

"Spare me the sympathy-" Derek spat temperamentally, "Coming from you, it feels a little bitter-"

Cristina raised an eyebrow.

"Fine," she said coolly. "You look like shit, by the way-"

Derek sighed and rubbed a wary hand across his face.

"You think you can do a better job?" he demanded, extending an open hand towards the stairs, "Be my guest-"

"Spare me the drama, McDreamy-"

"Whatever," Derek was nearly choking on his resentment, and he grabbed his coat from its hook and pulled open the door so that it bounced on its hinges, "Have fun-" he spoke bitterly, and then he was out the door, the force of his frustration reverberating through the house.

* * *

Meredith was lying on her back across the width of her bed, crossly reflecting on the evening. Derek's family hated her, and if that wasn't enough, soon Derek would, too. She huffed and wriggled around, trying to get comfortable. Disaster. The whole evening had been an absolute disaster. Linda and Nancy were relentless. They were relentless in their cross-examination of her and Meredith was exhausted. How had she managed to let this visit slip upon her so unprepared? Granted, she had been dreading their visit to Seattle since Derek had proposed the idea two months ago, but nothing could have prepared her for this. Derek's mother and oldest sister, demanding information on everything for where she went to grad school, to what she could have possibly wanted with a post-high school trip to Europe, to whether or not she planned to use an epidural during labor. She knew Derek had been unprepared in a way, too. Did he seriously think that he could invite his family down for a visit and everything would be all bright and shiny?

Meredith gave another frustrated huff and propped herself up on her elbows as the door to her bedroom was swung open.

"Derek, just don't…" Meredith died off as she saw who it was, "Oh."

"Yeah, oh," Cristina sauntered over to the bed and peered down at Meredith, arms crossed. "What are you doing?" she asked after a moment of observation.

"I'm angry," Meredith pouted, and flopped back down to resume her sullen staring up at the ceiling.

"Well, move over," Cristina instructed, and joined her friend on the bed, her hair fanning out around her as she flopped down.

"Derek's an ass-" Meredith insisted.

Cristina turned to look at her.

"Um, duh," she grinned.

Meredith scowled.

"Derek's an ass and he comes from a family of asses and now I'm having his-"

"Seriously Meredith," Cristina interrupted, "if you're about to call your baby an ass-"

"I wasn't!" Meredith cut across, wrapping a hand beneath her swollen abdomen.

"Okay," Cristina laid back, "I mean, I'm not telling you that you can't, I was just going to point out that that's not quite in the mommy code of conduct-"

Meredith glared.

"You're face could get stuck like that, you know," Cristina observed slyly.

Meredith sighed.

"Dinner was…"

"Horrible?" Cristina supplied. "Yeah, I kind of gathered that-"

Meredith propped herself up to peer at her friend.

"Why're you here?" she asked.

"Trying to do the whole 'supportive best friend' thing," Cristina admitted with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling. "And can I just tell you? You have absolutely nothing to eat in your fridge-"

Meredith laughed.

"The nursery's…ah, baby appropriate, though-" Cristina observed, on a more positive note.

Meredith sat up.

"Seriously?" she demanded, "Is it that hard for you to express emotional appeal?"

Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Fine," she admitted, "It's cute. I said it. It's cute, okay?"

Meredith flopped back down.

"…It's not too purple?" she asked after awhile.

Cristina squinted at her.

"What?"

Meredith shrugged.

"Never mind…"

There was a brief silence.

"I mean, it's purple," Cristina supplied thoughtfully, "But not annoying big-purple-dinosaur-purple or like eggplant-purple or something gross…It's more like-"

"-lavender?" Meredith supplied.

"Uh-huh," Cristina nodded, "Lavender is good. Lavender is not pink, which is definitely good. Pink is gross," she declared decidedly, "Pink is like…"

"-Pepto Bismal?" Meredith offered.

"Yep," Cristina agreed solemnly, "Gross and pink and Pepto Bismal-ish…"

Meredith laughed, and both friends continued their intense scrutiny of the ceiling.

"…Derek left," Cristina said quietly, after awhile, and Meredith again turned to look at her.

"I figured…" she said quietly.

Cristina shrugged.

"He's kind of been crowding me lately anyways," she joked, in an attempt at consolation, "I mean, he always _there_, it isn't like you're bearing his child or anything…and I_ was_ your person first-"

Meredith forced a laugh.

"It is kind of different…" she realized slowly. "I mean, I haven't seen the trailer in months…"

"It's just sitting there," Cristina hypothesized, "All Air-Stream sleek and lonely…"

"I guess it has the Chief's trailer there to keep it company," Meredith giggled.

Cristina smiled and sat up suddenly.

"I'm hungry," she announced. "Let's order something and like…bond or whatever."

Meredith slowly sat up also, and Cristina eyed her apprehensively.

"Um…" she hesitated, "Unless you're tired from you know, acting as McBaby's live-in incubator…"

Meredith shook her head.

"Pregnancy really freaks you out, doesn't it?" she pondered.

Cristina eyed Meredith's stomach.

"More than you know," she admitted warily. "So what do you think? Pizza or Chinese?"

* * *

It was close to one thirty in the morning when Meredith heard a key turn in the lock on the front door. She was in the living room on the couch, and currently, she couldn't move. Izzie and Alex had arrived home together shortly after she and Cristina had ordered Chinese _and _pizza, and they had held a kind of Derek's-bashing rally as they lounged in the living room, watching her mother's old surgical tapes. Cristina and Alex both had rather grandiose exclamations as to what they planned to say to Derek when he finally decided to show up, and Izzie had her own, slightly more helpful reassurances to add as suggestions. Meredith halfheartedly joined in, but she didn't really mean most of what she said.

She leaned forward as carefully as she could without waking Cristina, who was leaning heavily on her shoulder, snoring loudly. She saw Derek with his back to her as he locked the door behind him and turned to creep quietly up the stairs, slightly amused that the two people who had threatened to do Derek bodily harm when he reappeared were both passed out, presumably from overeating. Halfway up the third step, Derek glance fell towards to the living room and he froze as Meredith met the deep, sympathetic blue of his eyes with her own steely, gray-green gaze. She didn't think she had been mad at him -not really- but now that he was here, she found herself unwilling to forgive his actions just yet. Derek managed to tear his eyes away and he hesitated, taking in the scene before him: Alex, his legs slung across the back of his chair, dead asleep, Izzie, sprawled across from him in the opposite chair, arm hanging limply off one side, and finally Meredith and Cristina, one awake and glaring, the other asleep, and admitting snores that could easily match Meredith's own.

Meredith continued to stare, and Derek felt trapped between two choices: continuing up the stairs or descending to apologize. He hesitated, about to turn to trot back into the foyer, when Meredith pointedly picked up the remote and looked back to the surgery on the television, clearly ignoring him. Derek stalled, his foot about to come down upon the last stair; he didn't know what to do: console or retaliate. He ran a hand through his hair and open his mouth to speak, then thought better of it, and finally turned to continue dejectedly up the stairs.

Meredith's gaze discreetly followed him up the stairs and out of sight, until she heard her bedroom door click quietly closed. She huffed, and sulkily crossed her arms, gazing towards the television. She wasn't really watching; she was thinking: she missed Derek, and she didn't want him to hate her. She glared indignantly at her sleeping friends, peacefully unaware, and wanted Derek. But she was angry at the same time; angry that he was dumb enough to think that his family coming for a visit would be a good idea. She sighed, halfway resolved to staying downstairs, but she couldn't get comfortable against Cristina's bony frame. And besides...she couldn't sleep without him.

Derek immediately regretted his decision to let this stupid…_whatever_ go on any longer. Where they even really fighting? This was all his family's fault, after all. Wasn't that the common ground? He and Meredith were mad at Linda and Nancy…not each other. Derek stepped into the warm water of the shower and let the bathroom steam around him. He was frozen; it was beyond cold outside and he had wasted the last three and a half hours wandering outside in snowy Seattle when he could have been warm and next to Meredith inside. He sighed as he turned off the water and stepped out onto the slick tile, toweling off his dark hair. This was stupid…he just needed to go downstairs and tell Meredith he was sorry…

Meredith edged away from Cristina slowly. Her friend's head was now in what little a lap Meredith still had beneath the curve of her stomach, and she continued to edge…now it was resting on the couch, and Cristina yawned and turned over and continued to snore, and Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. She maneuvered herself closer to the end of the couch and used the armrest to pull herself into a standing position. She wasn't even really very big, but big for one person and big on her tiny frame were entirely separate matters. She hesitated and glanced back towards her friends as she neared the stairs. Should she wake them? Meredith chewed on her bottom lip as she contemplated this and finally decided to let them sleep. Izzie was a fitful sleeper and had a tendency to slap when bothered, and Alex was a biter. Meredith giggled, because unfortunately, she knew this from experience.

Derek stepped out of the bathroom and sat down on the edge of the bed as he pulled on his boxers. He was going to go downstairs. He was going to go downstairs and apologize to Meredith and…he looked up as the door was pushed quietly opened.

"Meredith…"

She gave him a sheepish sort of half-smile and hesitated before edging onto the bed to sit beside him. She was already in her softest plaid maternity pajamas, and she picked at the flannel in the silence. Derek sat beside her, still dripping slightly, and while they both faced ahead, Derek kept sneaking sideways glances at her. He could tell she was doing the same.

"Meredith-"he began.

"Derek-" Meredith spoke at the same time, and blushed.

"You first…" Derek offered, and Meredith bit her lip.

"…How were the ferry boats?" she asked finally, turning earnestly to face him.

Derek smiled, because Meredith knew him, inside and out.

"They were…good," he nodded finally, pulling her towards him. She leaned against him and tucked her head against her shoulder, and Derek wrapped an arm around her. "But I missed you."

"…Why did you leave?" Meredith looked up at him and resumed chewing on her bottom lip.

Derek sighed.

"…It was stupid," he admitted finally, "It was a stupid idea inviting them here, they were horrible to you, and-"

"-they hate me," Meredith interjected remorsefully, and gazed up at him.

"They're ridiculous, then," Derek said kindly, and Meredith snuggled closer to him as Derek leaned back against the pillows. She laid her head on his chest, and listened to the soft rise and fall of his breathing as he stroked the curls of her hair, and it was a long time before either of them spoke again.

"Derek?" Meredith asked finally, and Derek glanced down at her.

"Hmm?"

"I can't do this alone…" she said truthfully, and Derek could hear the heaviness in her voice, "They're your family, Derek, and if they don't like me…"

"No-" Derek cut across urgently, suddenly understanding, and sitting up a bit straighter, "Meredith, they don't get a choice," he pleaded forcefully, threatened by the idea that Meredith could ever think that he would leave her. "If they have a problem, too bad," he said roughly, "I will _always _choose you."

Meredith looked up at him, her cheeks wet with silent tears,

"Derek…"

"No-" Derek gripped her tight, as if she would suddenly blow away with the idea of it. "_Always_, Meredith."

"Okay," Meredith's voice was quiet, and Derek pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"Okay?" he clarified.

Meredith nodded and guided Derek's embrace so that his hands came to rest against their baby.

"Okay," she whispered.

Twenty years it's breaking you down, now that you understand there's no one around

Take a breath, just take a seat, you're falling apart and tearing at the seams.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why

Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow

You'll be alright.

* * *

_Thanks for all of the reviews from the last chapter! This story is really starting to speed along, and I'm glad to be making it through these chapters! I'm ready to move on to important things, but I have to get this family visit out of the way first. So this chapter was pretty emotional on all accounts:_

_Derek's family (namely Linda and Nancy) treated Meredith like absolute crap, and of course Derek was angry…But if it wasn't clear there at the end, it's really important to Meredith that Derek's family likes her, as she's somehow got it into her head that if they don't like her, Derek's going to see this and decide he can't be with her/like her either. So she's distraught, and Derek's distraught because she's distraught, and it kind of comes across like she's mad at him, because that's just Meredith: she has a problem with expression (although she's trying to get better at it!). I'm just happy because I finally have Cristina back, and I think she was very typical Cristina in this chapter! So, yay! _

_Finally, Meredith realizes she misses Derek, and goes to apologize, and relays her fears to Derek. This kind of alarms him: (how causally she thinks that he would just walk out of their relationship), so Derek is insistent on convincing her that she is the most important thing to him. Which of course, he usually tends to make pretty clear, but also of course, sometimes Meredith needs some convincing. :)_

_ So there you go; we'll see how they handle Derek's family returning for Christmas Eve dinner (especially now that Derek feels that their visit is actually threatening his relationship with Mer) on the next update! Reviews, pretty please?_


	43. Chapter 43

Suggested listening:

"World Spins Madly On"- The Weepies

* * *

It was Christmas Eve day, and Derek was standing in the kitchen, his thoughts heavy as he gazed out from the window above the sink. Last night had been…a step forward and a step back. But mostly it had been a step back. Did Meredith really think that he would walk away from his child like that? That he would walk away from her? He'd spent too many months lost in a relationship that was going nowhere with Addison to not understand the significance of being with Meredith. Meredith was where his life began, as if everything before her had never existed, and she was too important for Derek to lose over the disapproval of his family. Sometimes he forgot how vulnerable it must feel to be Meredith: family-less (with the exception of Lexie), with an incomplete, loveless childhood and a history of trust issues. She was trying, Derek knew that; and if he let himself recollect back to those early days leading up to the pregnancy, he realized that she had really grown exponentially in the past seven months.

He thought of his surprise for Meredith. She deserved it. God, she deserved it. He was a man living to make her happy, and Derek was confident that his latest idea wouldn't fail that motto. He couldn't wait. Tomorrow, after months of careful planning, she would get her surprise. Derek poured himself a cup of coffee and glanced up at the ceiling. Everyone was still asleep, he observed amusedly, and this time it was not Cristina's faint snores that echoed in from the living room, but Alex's. Derek glanced over at the clock: it was a little past nine, and his family would not be here until around two this afternoon. Plenty of time to convince himself that this would work. He needed to spend some quality time with Meredith, anyways. He wasn't going to risk any wayward ideas that she might have about his commitment to this…this thing they had here. Derek, Meredith, and baby makes three. That was what he wanted.

Someone was stirring in the living room. Derek paused to listen, and after a moment, a very disheveled Izzie ambled in to join him in the kitchen.

"Oh my God," she groaned, attempting to ease the stiffness from her neck, "I slept on a chair."

"I noticed," Derek raised his eyebrows and took a sip of coffee. Izzie rummaged around in the refrigerator and slowly straightened up with a carton of eggs.

"What time is it?" she grumbled.

Derek swallowed and lowered his mug.

"Nine," he provided helpfully.

"And what time did you finally show up last night?" she wondered, pouring a mug of her own and pausing to warm her hands against its ceramic sides. She inhaled the aroma and waited for an answer.

"She told you about the dinner?" Derek provided in answer, and Izzie nodded.

"If you could call it that," she added, glancing pointedly up at him as she pulled the frying pan from its hook.

"She thought that my family not liking her was a deal-breaker," he explained solemnly, hoping for some insight.

Izzie shrugged, apparently not as affected by this as Derek himself was.

"That's Meredith," she provided simply, "She needs constant reassurance."

Derek frowned. He watched as Izzie cracked eggs into the pan.

"Do you think I should call off this whole dinner thing?" he asked finally.

Izzie looked up at him.

"I think that Meredith went through all that trouble decorating, and cleaning, and 'learning' to cook for a reason," she hypothesized, glancing back down at the pan. "You want your family to like Meredith. She wants to like your family. Eventually, you're going to have to make it work. At least today she'll have her friends here as support-"

"Dude," Izzie's insight was interrupted as Alex came into the kitchen, "…I slept on a chair."

Izzie gave Derek a pointed look.

* * *

An hour later Derek ascended the steps to check on Meredith; it was almost ten-thirty and Meredith never slept this long. Especially lately. He followed the hallway around the corner to Meredith's bedroom and quietly opened the door.

"Meredith?" he spoke softly. No answer. Derek frowned and moved closer to the bed. The room was oddly quiet without Meredith's snores, and Derek knew Meredith always snored unless she was dead tired. Or awake. He peered around the tangled sheets and knew the second possibility was out of the picture. Meredith was definitely not awake. Derek smiled and brushed a stray strand of hair out of her face. She was still so thin, but her belly was perfect: round and smooth, and petite for twenty-eight weeks. She was as far onto her side as she could manage, with one arm propped beneath her head and another casually slung across her abdomen. Derek reached out and cupped his hand next to hers against their baby and was rewarded with a sharp kick. Derek's eyes widened; Charlotte was very active this morning, and Meredith was sleeping right through it. He lowered himself down onto the very edge of the bed and enjoyed the sensation beneath his hand for awhile. His daughter. A life they had created together. He trailed his hand across and down Meredith's bump, and grinned when he realized that Charlotte was following his movements.

"Such a smart girl," he whispered approvingly, his grin unmanageable. While he knew Meredith would have enjoyed this moment, Derek was happy that he was getting his own daddy time. After months of sleepless nights spent twisting and turning with the steady movement inside of her, it seemed Meredith had finally grown accustomed to the feeling and was able to sleep. Derek was glad of this, but as Charlotte continued to kick, he couldn't help but feel slightly amazed that Meredith hadn't even stirred. He frowned and finally pulled his hand away from her belly as he noticed how flushed her face was. He reached across and laid a gentle hand against her cheek. She was warm, but not hot. And she had done a lot of crying last night, something that wrenched guiltily at Derek's heart when he thought of it. He grudgingly chalked it up to exhaustion; it had been after two in the morning before she had drifted to sleep, her head on his chest, his hands against their baby.

Derek considered waking her. On one hand, he wanted her to rest. On the other, he was afraid that when she did wake, he would be in trouble for not waking her sooner, especially with the big day they had ahead. Derek weighed his options for a moment and decided against it, but it seemed Meredith would save him the trouble. She stirred, and then seemed to jolt awake almost instantly, both hands traveling to her belly.

"She's active," Derek observed from his spot beside her, and Meredith just seemed to notice him sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Derek?" she mumbled, her mind still disoriented from sleep.

"Yeah, Mer," Derek smiled and stroked her cheek. "It's me."

"You were watching me sleep," she accused, and Derek grinned sheepishly.

"You're cute when you sleep," he provided with a shrug.

"Ouch" she exclaimed in surprise, her eyes growing wide as Charlotte gave her another kicking jolt. She focused her attention on her belly, straightening up slightly. "God," she winced, "She's kicking like crazy-"

Derek's gaze softened.

"It's hurting you?" he asked, concerned, and Meredith bit her lip.

"...Not exactly," she provided, shifting uncomfortably, "It's just, yesterday she barely moved at all, and now-" she died off and pressed a hand against her belly.

"Have you been doing your kick counts?" Derek asked, suddenly worried. On their last visit, Dr. Vann had taught Meredith how to perform a fetal kick count everyday so that they could monitor Charlotte's movements. A healthy baby tended to move routinely and often, while very little movement in the womb could signal a problem. Derek had become extremely concerned with kick counts ever since, especially after the complications Meredith had endured as of yet. He frowned, and laid a hand to her belly. _Yesterday she barely moved at all… _

Meredith glanced up at him and nodded.

"Mm-hmm," she answered distractedly. Charlotte seemed to be aiming right at her ribs. "She's definitely moving," she reassured, wary of Derek's concern.

"But you said yesterday she barely moved," Derek pointed out. His concern had a tendency to kick into overdrive these days, especially when it involved anything below average in terms of the pregnancy, and Meredith could tell he was not going to be deterred. "How many times did she kick yesterday?"

"Ten," she answered honestly, trying to soothe Charlotte's movements. Derek's frown increased.

"Ten throughout the day or ten while you were remembering to count?"

"Ten in a four hour period, just like Robert said," she explained, growing irritated, "I counted."

"It's usually better than that," Derek pointed out, discerned.

"Not better," Meredith snapped, "There's no average, Derek. It's ten in four hours. If it had been less than ten I would have told you-"

"Fine," Derek agreed, and Meredith felt a tinge of guilt; she knew Derek was just concerned.

"I always count," Meredith looked down and wrung her hands together. "I count in the mornings, because that's usually when she's most active," she continued finally, glancing up at Derek. "And then you left for the airport, and I hadn't felt her move at all…"

Now it was Derek's turn to feel guilty as he watched Meredith frown sadly.

"I walked around for a few minutes to see if that would help," she explained, again glancing up at him, "But then I got scared, so I drank some juice and laid down on my left side-"

"Like Vann said," Derek acknowledged quietly, and Meredith nodded.

"…She moved," she said finally, with a small, explanative shrug, but her eyes were full of tears and Derek instantly felt like an asshole.

"Mer…"

"I just want her to be okay," she said quietly, with another sniff.

"I know, I'm sorry," Derek apologized soothingly. The hormones were really getting to her lately, and she was extra-sensitive. Still, he wished Meredith had said something to him before now. He leaned forward to kiss her, and felt Charlotte give a particularly rough kick beneath him. "Do you want to lie down?" he suggested, as Meredith put a hand to the spot. "It might help calm her down…"

"No," Meredith shook her head, "Your family's coming. I have to cook."

Derek suppressed a smile.

"Okay," he agreed, helping her up, "But if you need to-"

"If I need to, I'll lie down," Meredith reassured, leaning into his broad chest for a moment. Derek wrapped his arms around her, and she breathed in his scent, familiar and woodsy and clean.

"Besides, I think the walking helps," Meredith added, "it kind of lulls her to sleep."

As if to completely contradict her mother, Charlotte kicked hard enough for Derek to feel through their embrace.

"Just like her mom," Derek observed, and Meredith pulled back to wrinkle her nose at him.

"Why?" she wondered.

Derek grinned.

"She's stubborn."

* * *

The phone was ringing, and Meredith wiped her hands on a towel and crossed the kitchen to answer it. Cristina had gone back to her apartment to change, and Derek was sitting at the countertop island next to Alex, who still seemed to be holding a grudge for the night before. Izzie, on the other hand, was chopping vegetables and chatting animatedly with both men. Meredith winced as she received a sharp elbow in the ribs from Charlotte, but managed to keep herself from pressing a hand to the spot. Derek's gaze followed her carefully -something that Meredith was all too aware of- so she merely exhaled slowly and reached for the phone.

"Hello?"

"Mer."

Meredith smiled.

"Hi, George," she watched as Izzie immediately perked at the sound of their friend's name, causing Alex to scowl.

"Tell him he's late," Izzie instructed, and Meredith nodded.

"Izzie says you're late," she relayed. "You are still coming, aren't you? Because I need you here, George," she added quickly, "It's a holiday and I'm cooking. And I don't do holidays. Or cook-"

From his place across the kitchen, Alex snorted amusedly. Meredith glared.

"Yeah," George sounded apprehensive. "I'm coming, and I know I'm late," he added loudly, as if Izzie could hear this through the phone. Meredith half-grinned. "But I have to ask you a favor…" he died off hopefully, and Meredith's breath hitched as she was assaulted with another round of overactive moment from within.

"Yeah, George," Meredith managed, "What is it?"

"Are you okay?" George asked concernedly, and Meredith nodded -although he could not see this through the phone- and cast a careful glance in Derek's direction.

"Yeah, fine," Meredith said shortly.

"Okay, well…" George hesitated, "Lexie needs someplace to spend Christmas Eve…"

"What?" Meredith thought she knew where this was going. She turned so that her back was to the kitchen and lowered her voice. "What?" she said again. "I invited her; she was going to Boston-"

"Well, she was," George explained carefully, "But with the whole Thatcher thing…Well, she thought it would be better to stick around, and she doesn't have anyplace to go-"

"Okay, hold on, and I'll find it-" Meredith said loudly, casting a glance over her shoulder.

"What-"

"_Hold on-" _Meredith instructed, stretching the cord of the phone until it could reach no further and she was around the corner and in the living room, "George-" she hissed, as soon as she was sure she was out of earshot, "You can't bring Lexie, Derek would kill me-"

"She has nowhere else to go," George pointed out sympathetically.

"I get that," Meredith countered, "but Derek won't. And his mother and sisters are going to be here-" she glanced at her watch- "in two hours, George-"

"I know," he grumbled, "I get it. But I like her, Meredith. She's funny and we're roommates now…and she's got nowhere else to go-"

"You said that already," Meredith pointed out shortly, breathing against pain quite akin to receiving a tiny foot to the kidney. Apparently today Charlotte did not intend to give her a break.

"Meredith?"

"…Fine," she said finally, straightening up.

"Fine?" George echoed hopefully.

"Yes, fine," Meredith consented, "Bring her with you…"

"Seriously?"

"Yes George, seriously," Meredith reiterated, trying not to snap. "Just…I don't want to talk about Thatcher, okay-"

"I'll tell her," George reassured quickly. Meredith imagined him nodding zealously and smiled.

"Oh, and George," she added in afterthought, "Do you mind picking up some cranberries on your way over?"

"The cravings?" George deduced knowingly.

"No," Meredith exclaimed proudly, "Izzie's making stuffing."

There was a short pause.

"Do cranberries _go _in stuffing?" George asked finally, sounding quizzical.

Meredith wrinkled her nose.

"That's what _I _said…"

* * *

The doorbell rang, and Meredith felt her pulse quicken. Surely Derek's mother and sisters had not willingly chosen to arrive an hour and a half early? She glanced to Derek as Alex stood and shuffled to the door; Meredith heard the door open and then what sounded like…arguing. God, no. A tense moment passed before he reappeared -with Cristina in tow- and Meredith exhaled a sigh of relief.

"The merrymaking begins-" Cristina grumbled, attempting enthusiasm. She held up two bottles of Grey Goose -one in each hand- and unceremoniously plunked down in the seat next to Derek.

"…You brought vodka," Izzie observed dryly.

Cristina glared.

"I brought the _fun_, Barbie," she rephrased expertly.

"Dude," Alex observed appreciatively.

"What's in the bags?" Derek inquired, nodding towards the brown grocery bags that Alex had helped carry in.

"Food," Cristina replied, without hesitation. "In case Meredith burns the turkey."

"I'm helping her!" Izzie declared indignantly, but Meredith only edged past Derek distractedly.

"I need to talk to you," she said in a low voice, and Cristina raised her eyebrows.

"What?"

"Now," Meredith instructed, nodding towards the door, "In the living room-"

"Come on Mer, she was only joking," Alex declared as Meredith took Cristina's arm and led her past Izzie. Derek rinsed the potato he had just peeled and frowned, his brow furrowed.

"What?" Cristina demanded as soon as they had reached the solitude of the next room. She pulled her arm from Meredith's grasp. "Seriously-" she paused with dawning comprehension and broke into a sly grin. "Oh, what did you do?" she accused deviously.

Meredith bit her lip.

"Just remember that I'm the one who has to put up with Derek's family for four and a half days…" she disclaimed apprehensively.

"What? Meredith, what is it?" Cristina crossed her arms. "I mean, it can't be any worse than losing your panties at the prom-"

"What does that have to do with this?"

"Because the last time you started a conversation like this," Cristina explained, "your black lace underwear ended up tacked to the bulletin board-"

"Okay, okay-" Meredith ran a hand nervously through her hair and took a deep breath. "Lexie's coming to dinner…"

Cristina grinned disbelievingly. There was a long silence.

"Say something!" Meredith exclaimed.

"Okay…" Cristina obliged, "You invited her?"

"Yes," Meredith admitted. "Well, no," she corrected. "Not exactly-"

"Well which is it?" Cristina demanded.

"George called," Meredith sighed, with the air of a person who did not want to deal with this, "And I mean, Derek _wanted _me to invite her, and I did, so he can't really be that upset, right?"

Cristina raised her eyebrows.

"Mm-hmm," she agreed apprehensively.

"And you know, with the whole Thatcher thing…And Derek's mad, of course, but she doesn't have anywhere else to go and she's sort of like my sister-"

"She _is_ your sister, Meredith," Cristina pointed out dryly.

"But we've done sisterly things together, right?" Meredith asked, and she barely noticed Charlotte's sporadic movements anymore with her need for conformation of this idea, "I mean, we drank…that one time. And danced. We danced, and she hates apples!" Meredith exclaimed, "And she's really good with an etch-a-sketch and something about a trombone…" she rambled despairingly.

"Okay, whoa," Cristina held up her hands, and Meredith fell silent. She crossed her arms. "So Derek doesn't know she's coming…"

Meredith shook her head.

"You could tell him…" she suggested.

Meredith bit her lip. Cristina frowned.

"I mean, she is your sister," she observed finally, "and Derek's got not only his mother, but _two _of his sisters here-"

The doorbell rang.

Cristina and Meredith turned to face each other, twin looks of guilt upon their faces.

* * *

_See? Reviews definitely help! Thanks to all of you for your feedback on the last two chapters :) The song is 'World Spins Madly On' by The Weepies, and I actually think it was featured in Grey's season 1 or 2, although it's not on the soundtrack. So yeah, Meredith's hormonal, Charlotte's very active, and Derek is about to find out that Lexie will be joining them for dinner this evening...haha. It wouldn't be Mer/Der if she wasn't keeping something from him (and constantly worrying about it). Derek got a chance to talk to Izzie, which was nice, because she offered some valuable perspective. Alex is still holding a grudge against Derek for the night before (even though he wasn't even there when Derek actually walked out, but he is mad about Derek making Meredith sit through that horrible dinner...) but we don't really see much of that yet. If you've noticed in the actual show, Alex really is a good friend to Izzie and Meredith especially, and kind of takes them under his wing sometimes...He just has a hard time admitting it. :) And now Meredith is feeling guilty because she's practically blind-sighting Derek with this whole Lexie thing...He's not even going to know until she shows up at the door. Enjoy!  
_


	44. Chapter 44

Suggested listening:

"Save Me"- Jem

* * *

"But we've done sisterly things together, right?" Meredith asked, and she barely noticed Charlotte's sporadic movements anymore with her need for conformation of this idea, "I mean, we drank…that one time. And danced. We danced, and she hates apples!" Meredith exclaimed, "And she's really good with an etch-a-sketch and something about a trombone…" she rambled despairingly.

"Okay, whoa," Cristina held up her hands, and Meredith fell silent. She crossed her arms. "So Derek doesn't know she's coming…"

Meredith shook her head.

"You could tell him…" she suggested.

Meredith bit her lip. Cristina frowned.

"I mean, she is your sister," she observed finally, "and Derek's got not only his mother, but _two _of his sisters here-"

The doorbell rang.

Cristina and Meredith turned to face each other, twin looks of guilt upon their faces.

* * *

Meredith stared at Cristina. Cristina stared at Meredith. The doorbell rang again.

"Meredith," Cristina cocked her head towards the sound, "the door-"

"-better be George…" the last of Izzie's words drifted in from the kitchen and broke Meredith from her stupor. She bit her lip and crossed through the living room and into the foyer.

"Merry Christmas," George declared endearingly, once Meredith had pulled the door open.

"You didn't have to knock," Meredith pointed out, and George shrugged.

"We brought cranberries," he informed, holding them up for approval as he stepped into the foyer. Meredith was left to greet Lexie, each sister on either side of the door.

"Hi Meredith," Lexie said breathlessly, "Merry Christmas."

"Lexie," Meredith smiled, "Hi."

"I brought pie," Lexie held it out for Meredith to take. "It's from the store, I-" she hesitated awkwardly, "I don't really cook."

"Neither do I," Meredith reassured, stepping back to let Lexie past. There was an awkward pause. Cristina grudgingly uncrossed her arms to half-wave at Lexie.

"Dr. Yang- Cristina," Lexie corrected herself, "…Hi."

"I brought liquor," Cristina supplied, and Lexie gave a hesitant nod.

"…Wow, look at you," Lexie observed as Meredith took her coat, "you look…"

"Huge?" Meredith supplied for her, and Lexie blushed.

"No, you look tiny," she pointed out truthfully, "You look great."

Meredith smiled.

"Thanks."

Lexie reached a hand towards Meredith's baby bump and then hesitated, glancing up at her half-sister.

"Go ahead," Cristina offered from where she stood, safely out of reach of Meredith and her pregnant-ness, "She won't bite."

Meredith nodded, so Lexie extended her hand carefully and hesitant placed it against the swell of Meredith's belly.

"Wow," she exclaimed quietly, her eyes wide, "She's really-"

"-active?" Meredith supplied, "Yeah."

"It's amazing," Lexie commented appreciatively.

"I guess she is your niece…" Meredith shrugged, and Lexie was touched that she did not add 'half' to the title.

There was a long pause in which all three women looked apprehensively towards the kitchen through which George had disappeared minutes earlier.

"Well, come in," Meredith invited grudgingly, weary of Derek's impending reaction, "Everyone's in the kitchen-"

"Okay," Lexie agreed, falling into step behind her half-sister and her resident. She hesitated and then opened her mouth, "Hey, Meredith?" she asked, slowing, and Meredith turned expectantly. "About Derek-" she began apprehensively, and Meredith anticipated what Lexie was about to ask and opened her mouth to speak:

"Meredith?" Derek walked into the living room, drying his hands on a towel, and stopped short when he looked up. "…Lexie?" he frowned...and Meredith squeezed her eyes shut against Charlotte's frenzied movement within her.

* * *

"You invited _Lexie_?"

Meredith and Derek were standing in the hallway off the living room, Cristina having ushered Lexie with her into the kitchen.

"I told you-" she began hesitantly, laying a soothing hand against her belly, "she came with George-"

"I thought he was _joking_-" Derek pointed out, because George had joined them in the kitchen once Meredith had answered the door and informed them all that Lexie had come along.

"She's my sister, Derek," Meredith argued rationally, "She had nowhere else to go-"

"So you felt sorry for her," Derek accused vehemently, "She ignored _four _pages when Thatcher showed up in the ER-"

"I know," Meredith cut across, "God, I _know_. But she had no idea that Alex would page me-"

"That's beside the point," Derek spat, frustrated, "My family will be here any minute-"

"-and I can't invite _my _family?" Meredith demanded, "She's the only person I have, Derek. It's Christmas Eve…And you're the one who wanted me to invite her in the first place-"

"That was before," Derek pointed out defiantly.

"Well, I'm sorry," Meredith apologized, "but she's here now, and there's nothing I can do about it."

"Oh well," Derek exclaimed sarcastically, throwing his hands up in frustration, "if there's nothing you can do about it-"

"I have to cook for your family, Derek," Meredith accused quietly, spinning back around to face him, "Your family who, so far, hasn't even given me _half_ a chance…That's what I need to be doing right now, not- not this," she pointed out, beckoning between them, "So if it seems like I don't feel sorry for you," she whispered vehemently, closing the gap between them so that they were face to face, "it's because I don't-"

The doorbell rang. There was a long pause.

"Meredith…" Derek tried finally, and Meredith shook her head forcibly.

"Don't-" Her voice was hoarse, and Derek sighed. He followed her back into the living room and through the foyer to the door. She glared at him at swiped furtively at her eyes before taking a breath and turning the handle.

Surprised silence. Derek frowned and peered around the door.

"Merry Christmas! How's my favorite dirty mistress?"

* * *

"M-Mark, " Meredith exclaimed in surprise, "Dr. Hahn…Um, come in-" Meredith pulled the door the rest of the way open, simultaneously allowing for Mark and Erica to step into the foyer, and effectively blocking Derek from view.

"Uh, Merry Christmas-"

"Thanks," Mark smiled, "We brought pie."

"Oh," Meredith forced herself to smile and took the dessert from Mark's outstretched hands, "Thanks," she said, as Erica raised her eyebrows in an apprehensive sort of greeting and also handed Meredith a pie.

"So, surprised?" Mark asked, obviously pleased with himself. He grinned and nodded towards Erica, "Finally got her to go out with me."

"It was a bet," Erica explained, leaning closer to Meredith as she spoke, as if this were supposed to be a secret, "And something tells me Dr. Grey here had no idea we were coming…" she smiled accommodatingly, but Mark frowned.

"Of course she did," he contradicted, stepping to the side to appease to Derek, who until now had been absolutely silent, "Derek invited us…"  
Meredith crossed her arms and turned expectantly to face Derek, who looked guilty.

"...Actually," Meredith said finally, effectively bailing Derek out, "He did tell me. And everyone's in the kitchen…"

"Great," Mark agreed, completely oblivious, and making a show out of letting Erica go first, "Something smells amazing…"

Meredith waited until they were alone before she turned to face Derek.

"Seriously?" she accused.

"…I completely forgot," Derek admitted.

Meredith glared.

"You forgot," she repeated.

"Sorry," Derek mumbled.

The doorbell rang.

"Anyone else I should be expecting?" Meredith glowered, handing the pies off to Derek. She paused to collect herself, and even then Derek could see her hesitate nervously. Finally, as the bell rang again, she put on a smile and turned the handle.

* * *

"Finally," Linda exclaimed, sweeping past Meredith to descend on Derek. "Derek," she kissed his cheek, "Merry Christmas. The weather's horrible, of course. But I suppose that's Seattle…Here-" Without pause, she took the pies from each of Derek's hands and pressed them towards Meredith, who fumbled to take them, taken aback. Nancy gave her a sort of smiling sneer and brushed past her to join their mother, lavishly fawning over Derek. Kathleen came last, and closed the door behind her.

"Merry Christmas," she rolled her eyes enduringly and offered Meredith a smile. "Here, let me help-" she took one of the pies and turned to observe the commotion that seemed to be centered around Derek.

"You look tired," his mother observed, as if Meredith wasn't there, and standing a bit higher to cup his face in her hands, "All this stress isn't good for you…"

"He's owning up to his responsibilities, Mother," Nancy offered, with a pointed look at Meredith's belly.

"You're right," Linda agreed, casting a matching glance over her shoulder in Meredith's direction, "I just hate to see him like this…"

"It's just work, Mom," Derek explained, "I'm fine. _Meredith_ and I are fine," he corrected, moving responsibly to stand by her. It was a supportive gesture, but Meredith couldn't help feeling as if it fell a bit flat.

"Kathleen-" Linda instructed now, plucking the pie from her daughter's hands, "Let Meredith get that-" Again the pie was pushed forcibly back into Meredith's hands, so that she wanted to push it right back into Linda's presumptuous face. "Something smells wonderful," she continued, before Derek had a chance to jump to her defense, "Derek, did you cook?"

"Actually mom," Derek corrected quickly, "Meredith's cooking today-"

"Nonsense," Linda declared, "There's no need to deny well-earned credit, I know your cooking when I smell it-"

"Credit where credit is due," Nancy agreed in a sing-song sort of voice.

"Now, I think we need a tour of this house," Linda suggested, although it sounded more like an order and she said it '_this house', _as if it were something she would rather not have to suffer through.

"Actually," Derek pointed out, "Everyone's in the kitchen-"

"Nancy-Pants?" Mark rushed into the foyer and past Meredith -who looked on miserably- and into the outstretched arms of Nancy.

"Mark Sloan!" Nancy declared, with much more emotion than she had ever possessed while speaking to Meredith, "You're here!"

"Surprise!" Mark declared, obviously happy with himself, "Welcome to Seattle."

"I don't know if I'd call it 'welcoming'," Linda noted, extending her arms towards Mark in a beckoning sort of way. "You look every bit as handsome as I remember," she exclaimed, pulling out of his embrace to look at him. "Surely you've found someone to appreciate this face?" she questioned, cupping his chin in her hands as she had Derek's.

Mark grinned in an eager sort of way, his eyes glinting mischievously.

"Not yet," he explained, with an anticipating glance towards the kitchen, "This stallion's still wild-"

Derek snorted, but Nancy pounced at the opportunity.

"Stallion?" she commented, wrinkling her nose in a way that was not nearly as cute as when Meredith did it, "I thought you went by 'McSteamy' now-"

Meredith glared.

"McSteamy?" Linda declared with a frown, and even Kathleen had a quizzical look on her face, "Who calls you that?"

Nancy smirked.

"Meredith, actually," she provided loftily, and Meredith blushed.

"It's just a nickname, Mom," Derek intercepted, with a wary glance at his mother, "Just something the nurses like to call him."

Linda frowned, and took a moment to survey Meredith, the first real time she had looked at her since walking in the door.

"…I should hope so," she observed finally, and Mark gave Meredith an apologetic wince, "Because it's certainly not becoming…Especially since both my boys here are _superiors_…" she finished, putting emphasis on the word and wrapping an arm each around Mark and Derek. "Now, how about that tour…"

* * *

Derek was currently upstairs, being led around the house by an intrusive Linda and Nancy, with Kathleen dutifully following and Mark excitedly adding his opinions on every stop of the 'tour'. After dutifully hanging up everyone's coats (Meredith, have you forgotten to take my coat?) and dropping the pies off in the kitchen (Meredith, go and do something productive with those...) Meredith had now found solace in the downstairs bathroom. She knew she was being rude to the rest of their guests, Lexie and Erica Hahn and her friends, but things were quickly becoming too much for her to handle. Charlotte was kicking her so forcibly that she felt tears stinging at her eyes; it was as if her womb had become unbearably cramped for her baby overnight, the way she was moving about. And was it possible that Derek's family could become any worse? Meredith wiped at her eyes with a square of tissue and considered this. Family's hated her. It was an illness, an infliction of sorts. Was there any other reasonable excuse? Derek mother and at least one of his sisters had done everything possible to cement that idea in her head. Why else would they act the way they had? Besides the whole sleeping with her boss, breaking up a marriage aspect of things. It wasn't fair, she thought miserably. It just wasn't.

The handle on the door jiggled and Meredith pushed herself up off the edge of the toilet seat to confront the intruder. Did they really need a tour of this? Meredith, pregnant with an illicit baby that no one seemed to want to acknowledge, with tear streaks down her face?

"Yes?" she demanded crossly, pulling open the door.

"Sorry," Erica Hahn apologized, and then hesitated. "I was looking for the bathroom…"

Meredith swung the door wide and gestured towards the toilet.

"You've found it," she declared miserably.

Again Erica hesitated.

"Listen…" she began carefully, leaning towards her, "Sloan might be painfully oblivious," she pointed out, inclining her head towards the kitchen, "but I've got a pretty good idea that you had no idea we were coming today…"

Meredith didn't bother to object. She shrugged.

"He also seems to think that Shepherd's family walks on water…which you and I both know isn't possible," she smiled, in a way that oddly made Meredith feel as if they were bonding. "The only thing I know about in-laws?" she continued rhetorically, raising an eyebrow, "They're usually less than appealing," she finished. "I hated mine."

Meredith hiccupped.

"You were married?"

"It obviously didn't work out," she admitted -only slightly sarcastic- and leaned against the doorframe. "But honestly? The Dr. Grey I work with doesn't usually need approval. So you're having a baby with Shepherd…" she shrugged. "Show them that it doesn't affect you," she urged endearingly, "They're just another batch of nurses running their mouths; they don't know anything about you. Just don't obsess. That's exactly why I keep Yang in there out of my OR," she admitted, again inclining her head towards the next room, "She's too obsessive."

The two women shared a knowing smile.

* * *

"This is Izzie, and Alex," Meredith introduced grudgingly, feeling particularly protective of her friends as she introduced them to Linda and Nancy, "They're residents at the hospital..."

"Hi," Izzie smiled, and extended her hand dutifully, equally wary. They both knew about the dinner from the night before.

"Izzie, is it?" Linda asked with a squint, taking in the cheerful, over-excited blondeness of Meredith's friend.

"Isobel," Izzie corrected, shooting Meredith a disbelieving look, "Isobel Stevens." She held her hand out to Nancy, who pretended not to notice. "Ah, and this is Alex," she added awkwardly, pushing him forward, her hand falling back to her side.

"Karev," Alex added pointedly, and crossed his arms. Meredith closed her eyes. _Here we go..._

"Um, and of course Mark," Meredith continued, "and Erica-"

"Erica Hahn," Mark stepped forward proudly and introduced, "head of Cardiothoracics."

"Hi," Erica stepped forward with a tight lipped smile and aimed a sideways grin at Meredith.

"Dr. Hahn," Linda greeted, with an emphasis on 'doctor', and raised her eyebrows assumingly.

"Nancy," Nancy offered up grudgingly, finally stepping forward. "You're ah, together?" she asked, as if it were a subject she would rather not discuss.

"We work together," Erica noted pointedly, with a glance towards Mark, who looked like he would have liked to agree with Nancy.

"Kathleen," the younger of Derek's sister stepped forward, "Nice to meet you."

Erica looked surprised.

There was an awkward silence.

"Ah...and this is Cristina Yang," Derek introduced, stepping forward and motioning towards Meredith's person.

"_Dr. _Cristina Yang," Cristina emphasized, barely uncrossing her arms to offer a defiant handshake, "Meredith's best friend."

Meredith smiled thankfully, and once again stepped forward.

"This is Lexie-"

"-Her half-sister," Derek pointed out. Meredith glared, although she couldn't help but notice that she had Derek were standing as far apart as the circle of introductions would allow.

"Nice to meet you," Lexie smiled cautiously, "and this..." she said quickly, eager to divert the Shepherd family's attention, "...this is George."

"O'Malley," George offered oddly, in the blundering, endearing way that was George. This charm was apparently lost on the Shepherds.

Nancy raised an eyebrow.

"The intern," she added, more a question than a statement.

"Ah..." George stalled and glanced disbelievingly to Meredith. Another uncomfortable pause. The whole evening seemed to be contrived of uncomfortable pauses strung together by sparse, discommodious conversation.

"_My _intern," Meredith jumped to his defense, and Hahn gave her a look of encouragement.

"George performed surgery in an elevator," Izzie added brightly. This earned Izzie a withering stare from Nancy.

"How, ah, barbaric," she commented dryly.

"...Drinks!" Meredith nearly shouted. Drinks were quickly becoming an old standby. "Who needs something to drink?"

"I'll help," Lexie, Cristina, Izzie, George, Alex, and Derek were quick to offer, all at once.

Meredith blushed. Mark looked around.

"Hey," he offered robustly, "_I'll_ help. Nance, tea? Linda? Okay..." he agreed, as Linda nodded, "Kathleen, diet coke, right?"

"If you have it," Kathleen nodded.

"Derek, why don't you take everyone into the living room?" he suggested, with a pointed glance at his friend, "Meredith and I have this..."

Derek nodded submissively, and this earned Mark several very reproachful looks as Cristina, Erica, Alex, George, Izzie, and Lexie begrudgingly filed out of the cramped kitchen behind Derek, Linda, and Nancy.

Kathleen hung back.

"You okay?" she asked, placing a comforting hand on Meredith's arm in the silence of the kitchen.

"I'm fine."

Kathleen frowned knowingly.

"You sure?"

"Uh-huh," Meredith agreed, and tried to smile, "...Fine."

Why would I think such things

Crazy thoughts have quick wings

Gaining momentum fast

One minute I am fine

The next I've lost my mind

And none of these

Thoughts are real

So why is it that I feel

So cut up and so bad

I need to take control

Insecurities keep growing

Wasted energies are flowing

Anger, pain, and sadness beckon

Panic sets in in a second

Be aware it's just your mind

And you can stop it anytime

Okay so here we go

If it works I'll let you know

One two three I say stop

* * *

_Uh-oh. So we all know what it means when Meredith insists she's 'fine'. Because usually, she's far from it. Derek had at some point in time invited Mark (and this is something we didn't see him do...) and of course, completely forgot. Which means he can't really be mad at Meredith for inviting Lexie without being a complete hypocrite. Mark, of course, takes it upon himself to invite Erica (they had some sort of bet) and she's actually quite endearing. Besides, she's totally on Meredith's side. They've also worked together quite a few times because Erica will always pick Meredith, or Izzie or Alex...over Cristina when it comes to surgeries. So she's kind of seen this transition in Meredith since the first few chapters when Mer really almost blew one of Hahn's cardio surgeries...to now, where she's suffering through this horrible visit. And it's really like a train wreck. _

_Cristina, Izzie, and Alex are very apprehensive about this dinner because they know how Derek's family has treated Meredith so far...Linda and Nancy are dead-set on treating Meredith horribly, and Derek is...well, I don't know what's going on with him. He's acting very submissive, when this morning, he was talking about calling the whole thing off! So more on that soon. Lexie and George and are just completely blind-sighted by the whole situation, so that's also going to be interesting...I'll guess we'll see on the next update! The song is "Save Me" by Jem, whose music has been featured at least two or three times on Grey's. And the lyrics are so true to this situation. Reviews, please? _:)

_Oh, and candylandgal, I forgot to mention: _

_I've already skipped ahead and written four chapters of the sequel. So yes, you can count on one. _:)


	45. Chapter 45

Suggested listening:

"Pocketful of Sunshine"- Natasha Bedingfield

* * *

"...Drinks!" Meredith nearly shouted. Drinks were quickly becoming an old standby. "Who needs something to drink?"

"I'll help," Lexie, Cristina, Izzie, George, Alex, and Derek were quick to offer, all at once.

Meredith blushed. Mark looked around.

"Hey," he offered robustly, "_I'll_ help. Nance, tea? Linda? Okay..." he agreed, as Linda nodded, "Kathleen, diet coke, right?"

"If you have it," Kathleen nodded.

"Derek, why don't you take everyone into the living room?" he suggested, with a pointed glance at his friend, "Meredith and I have this..."

Derek nodded submissively, and this earned Mark several very reproachful looks as Cristina, Erica, Alex, George, Izzie, and Lexie begrudgingly filed out of the cramped kitchen behind Derek, Linda, and Nancy.

Kathleen hung back.

"You okay?" she asked, placing a comforting hand on Meredith's arm in the silence of the kitchen.

"I'm fine."

Kathleen frowned knowingly.

"You sure?"

"Uh-huh," Meredith agreed, and tried to smile, "...Fine."

* * *

There was a welcome silence once everyone had vacated the kitchen, as Meredith and Mark worked side by side filling glasses at the island countertop. Mark gave her a knowing glance.

"…You okay?" he asked, popping the ice cubes from their trays.

Meredith shrugged; she could feel the old standby on her lips, she was 'fine'…But she wasn't fine. She shook her head and decided on the truth.

"No," she said honestly, her voice low and dejected.

Mark gave her a sympathetic look.

"They'll come around," he encouraged, "Acceptance is a tough one for the Shepherd family."

Again, Meredith shrugged.

"Yeah…"

"Oh my _God_," Izzie burst into the kitchen and edged against the wall so she could peer around the corner and back into the living room. "Oh, my God," she repeated incredulously, "She's-"

"-horrible," Meredith supplied knowingly. It didn't matter which 'she' Izzie was referring to, odds were the descriptive fit.

"She called me 'That Whisper Girl'!" Izzie declared disbelievingly, with another wary glance towards the living room.

"Hey," Mark looked up, a serious look on his face, "Those pictures are hot."

"Ha ha," Izzie smirked, "But- George! What are you doing in here?" she accused, as George hurried into the room and shielded himself behind the wall opposite Izzie.

"Meredith…" George declared, slightly out of breath, "Seriously? Seriously!" he answered himself, "I have _no_ name-"

This caused Izzie to giggle, but Meredith frowned.

"What do you mean you have no name?" Meredith demanded, joining him against the wall to peer into the living room.

"Nancy keeps calling him 'Intern'," Izzie explained, and Meredith felt her face flush in anger.

"That horrible-"

"She's a bitch!" Alex stormed into the room, effectively cutting Meredith off, "Seriously, what was Shepherd thinking? This is why I don't do commitment," he exclaimed, anguished, "…Sooner or later, you always have to meet the family-"

"Alex!" Izzie whisper-shrieked, "Get back in there! We can't all be 'helping' with the drinks-"

"You first, Ms. Whisper," Alex mocked, motioning towards the living room.

"Oh, come on, Karev," Mark egged, "It's three _women_-"

"Dude," Alex observed scornfully, turning to face Mark, "…_Nancy-Pants_?"

It was all he had to say. Mark flushed and shut his mouth. Alex smirked.

"I'm checking on the turkey," Izzie exclaimed into the hesitant silence, "The rest of you have to get back in there!"

"No," Cristina forcibly exclaimed, pushing past the now-crowded kitchen doorway to join the rest of them and crossing her arms, "I'm not doing this. Shepherd's family can kiss my ass-"

"Cristina…" Izzie begged

"Please don't make me-" George grumbled pleadingly.

Alex looked around.

"Dude…" he observed amusedly, "We left Lexie and Hahn alone in there…"

George slapped a hand to his forehead.

Meredith took a deep breath.

"We can do this-" she exclaimed loudly, "It's fine." …It wasn't fine. But surely she could convince her friends otherwise? "Here George, you take these," she instructed, passing George two of the glasses, "Alex, Izzie," she added, handing them each a glass, "Cristina, _please_…"

"I took off work for this," Cristina pointed out miserably, "I'm missing bloody _surgeries _for this…"

"_Please_, Cristina-" Meredith said again, grabbing two more of the glasses off the counter, "Mark?" she added expectantly, "Come on…" Meredith stood at the entrance to the kitchen to oversee the resentful procession into the living room.

"Yeah, man," Alex added scornfully, to Mark, and rolled his eyes, "Nancy-Pants is waiting…"

* * *

This was what the living room looked like: Linda was sitting on the chair at the head of the living room, next to the window, while Nancy sat opposite in the armchair on the far side. Kathleen was sitting next to Lexie on the couch, next to a very nervous-looking George, who was perched next to a bemused-looking Erica Hahn. Mark was precariously balanced on the couch's armrest -as close to Erica as he could get- while Derek sat straight-backed in the smallest chair next to Nancy. Cristina and Izzie and Alex were all in a row on three of the dining room chairs, each with their arms crossed sullenly. And Meredith? Well, Meredith was standing.

Meredith chewed on her thumbnail.

"Meredith," Derek insisted, "Please. Sit down."

Meredith shook her head.

"I…" she grasped for an excuse. _Any_ excuse. She knew it wasn't fair. After all, she had just forced her friends back into the very room she was now attempting to exit. She had put on a brave face before, in the kitchen. She -for once- had been the voice of reassurance. "I have to check on dinner," she insisted quickly, turning and heading for the safety of the kitchen before Derek could protest. Meredith sighed. It was easier, somehow, when you had someone to be strong for.

Linda took a sip of iced tea.

"Flighty girl…" she observed with a contemplative raise of one eye.

Derek made a small sound of exasperation and glanced towards his mother.

"I'll…be right back," he provided quickly, and pushed himself from his chair.

"Meredith." Derek entered the kitchen right behind her and stopped, taking in the sight before him. Meredith, a hand on either side of the countertop, head bowed. "Mer…"

She took a ragged breath, and then slowly, slowly, moved a hand to her belly.

"I was stupid…" she said miserably, and Derek took an unsure step forward.

"What…?"

"All these people here," she continued lowly, "All of our friends…" she glanced up, and her eyes were a tormented gray-green. "I don't want to pretend like I'm fine anymore, Derek," Meredith spoke honestly. Derek moved closer.

"Meredith…"

"Okay, seriously," Izzie burst into the kitchen, followed by an annoyed-looking Cristina, "You guys cannot keep doing this to us. One of you _has _to get back in there-"

Meredith looked to Derek. Waited for him to say something.

Cristina stepped forward.

"Meredith stays here," she instructed, crossing her arms and inclining her head towards the unseen congregation in the living room, "It's your family," she spoke pointedly, fixing Derek with a steely, impertinent gaze, as if daring him to contradict.

He didn't.

"I'll go," he sighed, and his eyes remained on Meredith as he spoke, willing her to look up. Izzie and Cristina looked on impatiently.

"Sometime today, McDreamy," Cristina drawled.

Meredith glanced up.

"I'm coming," she spoke emphatically, but her voice was quiet. Gray-green eyes met blue. _Just give me a minute. _

Derek nodded.

There was a heavy silence once Derek left the kitchen. Cristina and Izzie both turned and fixed her with knowing stares. Again Meredith glanced up.

Cristina raised an eyebrow.

"Um…you okay?"

"Yeah, 'cause you kind of seem like you're freaking out," Izzie added unhelpfully.

Meredith blinked. Izzie crossed her arms and turned towards Cristina for backup.

"Meredith."

Meredith looked up at her person.

"What?"

Cristina looked around.

"...Um, that's all," she cracked a smile, "It just seemed really quiet in here."

* * *

Kathleen had moved to Derek's chair, and everyone on the couch had moved down one spot to allow room for Derek and Meredith. Meredith chewed her lip, fidgeting nervously with Derek's hand, his fingers interlaced with her own. He had a supporting arm wrapped around her, his other hand resting protectively against her abdomen.

Izzie was babbling on about the decoration process of the Christmas tree, completely unaware that most of the people in the room were staring at her as if she were crazy.

"…We've never really celebrated before," she was saying, "Holidays bring everyone together. They're supposed to bring everyone together," she insisted direly. "I decorated last year…but this year, Derek got us a real tree," she explained proudly, turning to gaze admiringly at her creation, her face glowing a garish red-yellow with the reflection of the tiny lights that covered a good three-fourths of the blue spruce. The needles were already starting to droop slightly, Meredith noticed. She was noticing a lot of things. The way Linda arched one eyebrow whenever Izzie called Derek by his first name, and how the ice clinked against Nancy's glass as she took a drink, a wide, condescending, Cheshire Cat-like grin marring her features. Izzie was nervous -the way she was rambling- desperately overcompensating for the horrible, stiff silence the seemed to have enveloped everyone in the room like a body bag. The fingers on Derek's right hand formed a constant flitting motion against Meredith's belly, absently mirroring the movements within.

"…And there are hardly any decorations at the hospital," Izzie was still talking, "which is depressing. Sure, there's a bit of garland in the break room, but there are mostly nurses in there, and they can get kind of touchy about their break room. I mean, we _do _get a resident's lounge, but the nurses always have the best coffee makers…" Meredith found it slightly amusing that Izzie had managed to float from the topic of decorations to the completely random, opposite discussion of nurses vs. residents. It was a distracting wonder, however, and one which she was grateful for.

"…cranberries for the stuffing, which will really compliment the flavors. I got the recipe off the Food Network," Izzie continued determinedly on, while Cristina concentrated on touching the tip of each finger to the pad of her thumb. One two three four five…first her left hand, six seven eight nine ten…and then her right. Dexterity exercises. She must be really bored, Meredith realized pathetically. Alex absently watched Cristina, turning to pointedly glower at Izzie every time she paused to take a breath. Lexie kept shooting hopeful glances in Alex's direction, which seemed to be bothering George. Mark looked on amusedly, his hand inching dangerously close to Erica's (who noticed this, and quickly jerked it away).

"… and then, she just takes off, leaving Meredith to hold this- this _bomb_," Izzie paused for dramatic effect, and a collective wince traveled the room as every employee of Seattle Grace suffered a brief moment of recollection. God, the bomb. Even Lexie and Erica knew about the bomb. The question was, why was Izzie sitting here, recreating the event for Derek's family? "…and everyone's wearing these vests, and people are evacuating, and then it _explodes_-" Izzie recalled animatedly, her voice rising a octave in excitement, and causing Linda to jump slightly. Alex gave Izzie a hard nudge with his elbow, and she died off, the word 'explode' hanging like an heavy, uncomfortable metaphor in the air.

"…Derek was in the next room performing brain surgery," Meredith provided meekly, allowing herself a brief moment of admiration for the man sitting next to her

"On Dr. Bailey's husband." George added. "She's Chief Resident. Miranda," he corrected pertinently, "not her husband. His name is Tucker…" George died off. Erica cleared her throat uncomfortably.

Long silence.

"Quite the experience," Linda observed finally, turning to raise an eyebrow at Derek in a way that suggested she was afraid to say more with all the insane people that seemed to be currently inhabiting the room.

Nancy leaned forward, her grin increasingly akin to a cat having cornered a very small, very nervous mouse.

"Addison told us about that," she recollected loftily, "It was on the news. That man died, didn't he?" she turned defiantly to gaze in Meredith's direction.

"Pink mist…" George shuddered, seemingly oblivious to Nancy's tactless cynicism.

Meredith scowled.

"The patient lived," she contradicted, fully aware of which man Nancy was actually referring to.

"And we're not going to talk about it anymore," Derek insisted forcibly.

Kathleen leaned forward, masterfully changing the conversation:

"Derek showed us the nursery," she commented, "The color's beautiful."

Meredith smiled, but her eyes still retained their hard, irritated look as Nancy's words replayed in her head. _That man died…_

She took a breath and tried for a more genuine smile.

"Derek painted it," she insisted proudly, giving his hand a small squeeze.

"It's rather unfinished," Nancy observed skeptically.

"_Obviously_," Cristina commented dryly, fixing Derek's older sister with a hard look.

"You are aware that there's no furniture," Linda added flippantly, with mock concern.

"Of course she knows that," Derek snapped, and Meredith instantly felt better. "We're doctors Mom, we don't exactly have the luxury of freeing up our schedules as we please-"

Cristina snorted appreciatively; even Lexie smiled amusedly.

"Besides, that's official godfather business," Mark threw in, attempting to lighten the mood, "All accessories must first be approved by Mark Sloan…"

"Yeah right," Cristina refuted, "You wish, Sloan-"

Linda and Nancy looked taken aback by Cristina's outburst. Mark glanced towards Cristina and grinned broadly.

"Mark Sloan, _vying_ for godfather?" Nancy looked genuinely surprised.

"We'll see," Derek answered, in way of the response Linda seemed to want (as she had turned to stare at her son). Meredith looked up at Derek and smiled.

"Well, let's just say I'm definitely a contender," Mark offered slyly.

Cristina huffed.

"The only way _you're _getting godfather is if I die in a horrific car accident on the way home," she insisted.

Mark smirked.

"…Those Seattle roads _can_ be icy," he warned charmingly, with a sad, sardonic shake of his head.

Cristina was not amused.

* * *

This is what the dining room table looked like: Mark sat at the head of the table on the left end, closest to the kitchen with Erica on his left and Izzie on his right. Clockwise from Erica came Lexie, who was seated next to George, who was essential in creating a human barrier between the aforementioned Lexie and the occupant on his left hand, which was Derek. Next came Meredith, and then Cristina at the end on the far right side, followed by Linda and Nancy, both looking rather unsettled. After Nancy came Kathleen, Alex, and finally Izzie, who brought the circle of guests to a close with Mark on her left side.

Getting everyone settled had been reminiscent of ninth grade Algebra; in which you were presented with a problem (Rachel was shorter than Amy, but taller than Susie. Carol was also taller than Susie, but shorter than Rachel. Who was the tallest?) and forced to line each person (dependant on height, shoe size, etc) accordingly. It was a major feat in itself that they were even able to accommodate all twelve people at a dining table sized only for eight. Derek had nearly killed himself on the stairs trying to get the table extension to the dining room from upstairs where it was usually stored beneath Meredith's bed. To further complicate things, Mark insisted on sitting beside Erica, George found it extremely important to note that he should be the one to sit beside Lexie, Derek wanted Meredith by his side for the obvious, she's-the-mother-of-my-unborn-child-thing, and Linda found it pertinent to add that she be in a 'Proper spot…I shouldn't have to crane my neck to converse with my only son'.

Several secondary concerns (although mostly unspoken) also factored into things. Alex was purposely keeping distance between himself and Lexie, who also needed at least one space between herself and Derek, preferably on the same side of the table (as Derek seemed intent on maintaining an icy formality with Meredith's half-sister) so that they would not have to engage in any pleasantries. Izzie not-so-discreetly made a beeline for a chair next to Alex, which also happened to be (conveniently) located as far away as one could sit from Linda and Nancy. Cristina was tough and Kathleen was easygoing; both could effortlessly fit into either of the remaining spaces that no one else seemed to want to occupy. Still, Alex ended up directly _across _from Lexie, Cristina had the perfect view to practice her hate-gaze on Mark -as they were each on one end- Meredith (although glad that she had Derek beside her) found herself face to face across the table with Linda, and Nancy was put out because she did not get one of the 'coveted' (as Mark teasingly referred) spots beside Sloan.

All in all, this made for a very awkward silence once everyone had managed to secure their spot and get situated. As Cristina put it:

"God, how many people at this table have done the McNasty together!" …A little too enthusiastically, perhaps, as it had gone dreadfully silent at the exact moment that Cristina had chosen to lean over and murmur this little quandary into Meredith's ear.

Meredith, who had been on the verge of agreement, merely giggled nervously and abruptly shut her mouth.

* * *

_Hi, this chapter is shorter than usual for two reasons: One, I've been extremely busy lately, and two...well, I was eager to update! Some of you seemed a little upset about the last chapter...I received several underhanded comparisons to Shonda, actually. Which -in this case- probably wasn't a positive thing... :) But seriously guys, give McDreamy a chance! Not to ruin the next update, but come on. It's Derek. The same Derek that just finished reassuring Meredith that he would pick her over his family anytime. The same Derek that seriously considered calling off the whole Christmas Eve Dinner, because he was worried about losing Meredith to his family's hateful judgment. The same Derek who probably has a lot of inner conflict about the whole divorce/moving to Seattle/inviting his family out thing...because obviously, he wants to prove to his mother and sisters that he didn't just throw away eleven years of marriage for nothing. So if he's a little hesitant when it comes to standing up to them, it may just be because those emotional conflictions are taking a toll on him! Besides, it isn't as if Mer doesn't have Alex and Cristina to stand up for her in the meantime... :) _

_Derek is attempting to give his family the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn't it be nice if his family could see Meredith for the way she is, and the way he sees her? He's so completely infatuated, especially now because she is giving him a child, that it's hard for him to wrap his mind around the idea that they may not feel the exact way he does. Or even close to it, in his family's case. So yeah, I could sit here and give a million and one reasons why you should hold off on the criticism and let my story play out the way I've planned. But constructive feedback is a good thing (and I just need to tell myself that) and take it on faith that my wonderful readers will continue to read and hopefully enjoy. :) _

_I__n the meantime, here is an update to (with luck) quell your fears. Or at least convince you to hold off on them until the next update... The song is "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield, and it's the song ABC has been using as background for all their promos on the returning shows. _


	46. Chapter 46

Suggested listening:

"Tears and Rain"- James Blunt

* * *

Izzie and Meredith worked together to scoop the food from the various cooking sheets and mixing bowls and onto the more presentable platters and china serving dishes.

Izzie raised an eyebrow as she watched Meredith spoon the mashed potatoes into a larger bowl.

"Mer."

Meredith could hear the smile in her friend's voice and knew instantly what Izzie was thinking.

"I'm sitting across from his _mother_," she moaned, looking up and blowing a piece of hair from her face.

"Seriously," Izzie acknowledged with a grin.

"Seriously!" Meredith groaned again.

"Seriously?" Derek strode into the kitchen and looked between the two. "Seriously what?"

Meredith looked pointedly to Izzie.

"Seriously," Izzie laughed, with a shrug of her shoulders.

Meredith turned and glowered at Derek, who seemed not to notice.

"Seriously," Derek took a deep breath, "things are going okay, right?"

Izzie watched as he glanced nervously towards the dining room and understood what he meant.

"Now that everyone's seated," she giggled, and Meredith nodded solemnly.

Derek offered a half-smile and rubbed his hands together.

"What about you?" he pondered concernedly, gazing down at Meredith. "You're still feeling okay?"

Meredith nodded.

"…Fine."

"Okay…" Derek pressed a kiss to the top of her head, reaching down to run a hand the length of Meredith's baby bump. "Let's get this over with…"

* * *

"So, Cristina's going into Cardio," Kathleen observed plaintively, looking to her left, where Alex sat mutely, "What about you, Alex?"

The mood at the table had, so far, mirrored the entire visit as of yet. Awkward. Things were awkward and tense and they weren't really looking up. Apart from several relatively mild critiques from Linda and Nancy, no one had spoken for the better part of twenty minutes.

"Karev?" Mark spoke up skeptically, a broad grin stretching his features, "Alex here wants to be just like Nancy…"

"Obstetrics?" Linda mused, raising an eyebrow.

There was a long silence.

"…You're the one who worked with Addison," Nancy realized serenely, leaning forward to look down the table, "I remember you. The two uteruses-"

"Actually, that was me," George chimed in dejectedly.

Alex glared.

"You're the one that talked to the baby during the cesarean," Nancy continued, looking past George and fixing Alex with an intent gaze of scrutiny.

"Yeah," Alex demanded brashly, with a quick glance towards Lexie, "so what?"

Izzie jumped in.

"Ah, Alex's interested in Plastics," she pointed out encouragingly, "Right, Alex?" Izzie glanced towards him for conformation; the entire table waited expectantly.

Mark was the first to speak.

"Karev here did a rotation with Addie on the Baby Brigade…" he announced with a sly, knowing smile. "A rather long rotation, actually-"

"Dude, I'm into Plastics," Alex declared vehemently, breaking the expectant silence with his outburst, "not babies and _ovaries_-"

There was a long silence. Meredith wondered if she was the only one who realized that Alex wasn't being completely truthful.

"What about you, Izzie," Kathleen transitioned expertly, "Have you chosen a specialty?"

Izzie beamed.

"Well, I haven't officially declared," she insisted, "but I'm thinking general surgery…" she glanced towards Alex, "maybe Obstetrics-"

Linda gave a nod of approval, despite her earlier distance towards Izzie, and Cristina and Meredith shared a knowing look.

"A proper specialty," Linda declared snidely, "I take it you had a chance to work with Addison?"

There was a heavy pause, during which Izzie hesitated uncomfortably.

"Um…" she glanced at Derek and Meredith, both of whom had remained determinedly reserved for the better part of the meal, "Not really," she finished finally, "Some. But not really."

"That's too bad," Nancy commented coolly, "Addison's a real talent-"

"She'll have other chances-" Derek insisted pointedly, "Seattle Grace _does_ employ other OB/GYN's, you know."

"Yeah," Izzie half-smiled and shrugged.

"I'm only saying…" Nancy declared loftily, letting her words die off pointedly.

Lexie cleared her throat.

"This is really good, Meredith," she complimented bravely, motioning awkwardly towards her plate with her fork in a sweeping, roundabout gesture. There was barely a moment before:

"It's a bit overdone," Nancy observed steely.

Meredith blushed. Derek glared incredulously.

"It's great," he insisted, his hand brushing against her belly beneath the ledge of the table.

"Izzie helped," Meredith offered honestly.

"It's good Mer," George spoke up earnestly.

"I think it's excellent," Erica Hahn jumped in, passively defensive, "I don't cook," she explained bluntly, much to the obvious disdain of Derek's mother.

"I could teach you," Mark offered, his voice husky, leaning close. Nancy frowned, but Erica only rolled her eyes.

"You, Mark Sloan?" she mocked good-naturedly, "I'm not sure I believe it-"

"Don't," Derek instructed firmly, and a bit of his frustration unwillingly leaking through, "Mark's never cooked a day in his life." It was meant to come across jokingly, but Meredith could feel the unsure reactions of the rest of the table as they looked Derek's way.

Mark laughed. The tension ebbed slightly.

"Just because I got a better grade than you in Home Economics-" Mark insisted proudly, turning to face Erica in explanation: "Mrs. Weaver's ninth grade Home Ec class. Derek got a 'C' on his potato casserole-"

"Weaver clearly favored you," Derek insisted, with forced good-nature, albeit allowing himself to momentarily reminisce.

"Weaver?" Nancy clarified disbelievingly, "She's passed everyone, Derek. You got an 'A' just for trying-"

"Andrea Weaver?" Linda questioned, "She did show an unnatural liking for Mark, now that I think of it-"

"Favoritism," Derek grumbled, "Her son Anthony Weaver was in band. And he didn't get the trombone solo-"

Meredith giggled.

"Dude," Alex observed scornfully, "…_Band_?"

"Trombone, what's worse," Mark jabbed, and Cristina gleefully smirked, "Derek was always trying to show off for the clarinet players-"

"Except for Carlen Manors," Kathleen gave Derek a knowing smile, "Carlen was the only boy in the woodwind section-" she offered in explanation to the rest of the table.

George eyed Derek amusedly. Derek scowled.

"I still say she favored you," he insisted grumpily.

"It's the ladies," Mark sighed, aiming a seductive wink at Erica, "I just have a way with them-"

Most everyone at the table humored him -if only briefly- with a laugh.

* * *

"Nancy's nursery was just gorgeous," Linda was bragging, "Yellows and pinks and all of it accented with little eyelet stitching…"

"I'm sure it was pretty, Mom," Kathleen noted pointedly, with an exasperated glance towards the rest of them. This of course went unnoticed by Derek's mother. "But that was, what?" she looked to Nancy, totaling the numbers in her head, "More than forty years ago-"

"Kathleen, please!" Nancy frowned, clearly disapproving of any discussion that involved her age.

"I'm only saying," Linda continued lavishly, "that your father and I put a real effort into it-"

"Our nursery's fine, Mom," Derek insisted, through gritted teeth, and Linda laughed, a high, twittering, condescending sound that really wasn't like a laugh at all.

"Of course." She spoke reassuringly, as if placating a small, rebellious child. Meredith could sense Derek growing increasingly tense, and she would have cared more if not for the fact that she could barely even breath properly what with the frenzied movement inside of her. Kicking was not supposed to hurt this bad. Actually, as Meredith had read in Derek's copy of 'What To Expect When You're Expecting', movement within the womb was _supposed _to be a joyful bonding experience between mother and baby.

"They're busy, Mom," Kathleen chimed in, with a supportive glance towards Derek, "I'm sure Meredith with have it looking beautiful once she's finished-"

The truth was, Meredith didn't have a clue for how she wanted to decorate the damned nursery. At this point, she was only thinking about as far ahead as the end of this dinner.

"Still," Linda intoned, with a pointed look in Meredith's direction, "We'll have to go shopping. A baby has to have the proper start in life-"

Most everyone at the table turned to look at her as Linda spoke these words, and Meredith didn't know if it was because Charlotte seemed to be doing barrel rolls within her -or the thought of going shopping with Derek's mother- that made her want to vomit.

Thankfully, Cristina saved her.

"Actually," she leaned forward, a fake-hopeful, optimistic smile plastered to her face, "Meredith promised _me _that I could help her pick out baby things-"

George actually snorted. Izzie and Alex shared twin looks of glee. Cristina attempting optimism for anything but bloody, hardcore cardio surgeries was something that just never happened. And now not only was she pretending to be interested in shopping, she was pretending to be interested in shopping for _baby _things.

Meredith managed a smile, and nodded furtively.

"I guess I did promise that," she smiled slyly, as if simultaneously trying to recall this particular promise while also pretending to look disheartened at the thought of missing out on shopping with Derek's mother.

Linda considered this.

"…Well," she said finally, turning to Cristina, "I guess you'll just have to come along."

* * *

Cristina looked like she had just bitten down on a particularly sour lemon; Meredith shot her an apologetic wince and pressed a hand to her belly. Nancy -ever acute to the matters of pregnant women- noticed this right away, and a grin that could only be described as malicious stretched slowly across her face.

"So Meredith," she shifted her attention from Meredith's stray hand to her face, squaring off solidly with Derek's hardened, defiant stare, and her eyes narrowed. "Derek mentioned you'd had some problems with the pregnancy…" her question drifted away, giving most everyone at the table the impression that she wasn't finished.

She wasn't.

"…No, then?" Nancy raised an eyebrow, sounding mildly surprised. Her interrogation came across slow and indulgent, and leaving little to wonder whether she was _actually_ concerned.

Meredith hesitated and looked up at Derek, unsure. His gaze remained on Nancy, however, cold and challenging, and equally defiant. Derek knew Meredith well enough to sense that she was on the edge of…something. The indecisive, unsure hesitance that was so Meredith was practically radiating from her, and without taking his eyes away from his older sister, his found her hand beneath the table and gripped it reassuringly.

"Ehm…" Mark cleared his throat into the silence. This was awkward, and now suddenly almost everyone seemed to find their dinner plates extremely interesting. Except for Hahn, who looked quietly on, disbelief evident, and Cristina…who was glaring -rather obviously- at Nancy. No one spoke, and Mark's attempt at clearing the air failed miserably and feebly drifted away. Next to Alex, Kathleen shifted nervously and glanced at Derek. She leaned forward.

"Nancy…" her voice was almost pleading, but this only seemed to encourage the oldest of the two sisters.

"For Derek's sake, I certainly hope you're taking care of it," her glance traveled briefly to Meredith's belly, and a silent, anticipating cringe seemed to travel unanimously through the rest of the guests at the dinner table. "He may be making a mistake," she continued acidly, "but there's no reason-"

"She's not an 'it'," Meredith cut across quietly, and underneath her contradiction was surprising hint of defiance. Nancy died off abruptly and stared. Her gaze grew steely.

"Excuse me?" she demanded. She glanced towards Linda, who seemed, for once, unable to form an opinion.

"She's not an 'it'," Meredith repeated herself, louder this time, so that Derek broke his gaze across the table long enough to glance at her. The pressure in his chest had progressively wound itself into a tight, angry coil of regret and resent throughout the night, but now he found himself perplexed by Meredith's indignation, enough so that for a moment he allowed himself to pause in anticipation of his older sister's reaction. This, unfortunately, was not a good idea.

"_She's_ a mistake," Nancy spat angrily, after glancing around for undue support from her fellow dinner mates, and gaining none. Her eyes flashed and she continued: "She's a ridiculous attempt at escape…from Addison, from a good marriage," she slung out examples, "From _responsibility_…" Nancy scoffed, "And you will _always_ be the slutty intern who took all of that away from him-"

"Nancy-" Linda admonished quietly, before dying off. It fell rather flat, and as Nancy opened her mouth to continue Derek stood, an explosion of anger threatening to spill out of him, effectively cutting her off.

"Leave," he demanded, his voice deathly quiet. His single instruction echoed away into the silence, and now everyone was watching the procession, wide-eyed and serious. Nancy looked around, as though there were someone else behind her that Derek was directing this at.

"Excuse me?" she exclaimed haughtily, although this time, a tiny bit of hesitance accompanied her words.

"Get out," Derek instructed acidly, clenching his hands in a severe effort not to pick up something and throw it across the room.

Nancy faltered.

"Derek…"

"_No_-"

"Derek." Linda spoke calmly, all trace of her earlier indecision gone. It was a statement, as if she were trying to placate a small child. Well, she was his mother, after all.

"Mom-"

"We're your family, Derek," she observed pointedly, and looked around. A pointed, almost pitying smile spread across her face.

Derek shook his head.

"If you were my family you would support me," he insisted, his voice suddenly loud, "You would support Meredith. You would support this!" he extended his hand in an enveloping gesture towards the rest of the table.

Meredith took a breath.

"Derek…"

"No!" he said, a little too loudly, a little harsher than he meant. He glanced at her. "No," he said again, quietly this time. He turned again to face Linda. "You come into _her _house," he motioned towards Meredith, "You insult her…you don't even give her a chance," he accused, his resentment bubbling up and spilling from his lips before he even had chance to make sense of it, "She makes you dinner, you _insult her_. You pry into every detail of her life as it's your right to know-"

"-It is," Nancy insisted willfully, once again looking around for confirmation, "Derek, you've completely screwed up your life-"

"Get out!" Derek insisted over her accusations, pushing his chair back in a dramatic show of frustration.

"Mark?" Nancy turned to the end of the table, and half rose from her chair herself, "Am I right? You're family, tell him," she demanded, "Tell him he's made a mistake-"

Mark shifted apprehensively.

"Nance-"

"She's right, Derek," Linda cut across, to Mark's obvious relief, "Look what you've gotten yourself into. Maybe after," she looked suggestively towards Mark before correcting herself, "Maybe if you hadn't moved to Seattle…" she died off and rephrased: "Look what've you chosen over New York…Over _Addison-"_

"Seattle is my home," Derek hissed, "Meredith is my family now. These people…" he ran a rough hand through his hair, "these people are my _family_-"

"Family?" Linda raised an eyebrow, "She has no family, Derek! Look around. A bunch of residents and an intern. A half-sister from God-knows-where…"

"Mom," Kathleen interjected, "_stop_-"

"It's like you chose the first girl you could find, Derek-" Nancy pointed out determinedly.

"She chose me!" Derek insisted desperately, "She chose _me_. I love _her_-"

"She got _pregnant_-" Linda insisted dourly. "She got pregnant, and of course you have an obligation-"

"Leave her alone!" Alex stood, and the dishes rattled slightly as he slammed a clenched fist against the table, "If you can't accept her, go back to…wherever! But don't pretend that you have the right to _judge her_-"

Linda stared, and Alex died away dramatically. His chest heaved with the force of his breath, into the silence.

"…I beg your pardon?"

* * *

At the time Derek wasn't sure who said it, but looking back he was sure it must have been his mother, although Nancy was a definite contender…Either way, Meredith stood, and all in one moment the room shifted from tense and angry to apprehensive and heavy with anticipation. She put a hand to her belly as if she did not even realize she was doing it -so often did this instinctual motion accompany her daily activity- and Derek experienced a brief moment of indecision. He knew the look on her face. This was borderline freak-out mode.

"Meredith-" he anticipated carefully.

"Mer." Cristina's own voice suddenly accompanied his own, calm and fortifying, so that both Meredith and Derek turned to face her.

Meredith hesitated.

"Meredith-" Derek began again, and this time Cristina leaned forward in her chair and spoke across Derek's own careful objections with willful conviction, so that Alex sunk slowly back into his place and what gaze was not originally on either Meredith or Cristina now found it's way to one of them.

"Mer," Cristina said again, and stared up at her, before turning to glance scornfully towards Derek. "Let her talk," she admonished strongly, and Derek considered this before slowly closing his mouth.

A brief silence. Erica Hahn raised an eyebrow, Lexie -with habits so akin to Meredith's own- chewed her bottom lip. Izzie looked on wide-eyed.

Meredith took a breath.

"I don't want him to choose," she spoke finally, and even if it was a bit anti-climatic it was so Meredith and so heartbreaking that Derek couldn't halt the rush of adrenaline that went pumping and pounding through his skull and all the way down to the heels of his feet, so that he found himself once again propelled into a standing position, chair disregarded.

"She won't." His voice sounded harsh and too loud and…everything that he needed it to be for this moment; and the rush of emotion that had gradually worked a crack into the only thing that had been holding it back these past two days was upon him now, crashing and furious and entirely unrelenting. "She won't," Derek said again, "because she shouldn't have to." He glanced to Meredith for confirmation and even as he did so could see her fading, her calm defiance giving way to defeat just as suddenly as it had arrived. "I don't want her to choose," he spouted angrily, and then turned pleading to Meredith, "I don't want you to choose," he insisted.

Something in his voice made Meredith glance up -so genuine and true was his conviction- and Derek's blue eyes met Meredith's green and he forced her to hold his gaze.

Meredith glanced away.

"They're leaving," Derek spoke finally, and it was only now that he pulled his gaze from Meredith's dejected stare towards the floor to face his mother and Nancy. "You're leaving," he commanded calmly. "Now." Derek glanced towards the rest of the dinner guests, as if doing a mental check of who was in attendance. Who had just witnessed him order his mother and eldest sister to leave. "Kathleen," he offered rationally (although he didn't know where he was finding the will for restraint at this particular moment) "you can stay."

Kathleen bowed her head in the ringing silence that followed, and Derek turned to stare hard at Nancy.

"Why aren't you moving?" he demanded loudly, and Meredith and Mark both aimed a quick glance at Derek; Meredith's unsure and Mark's slightly disbelieving. Cristina had her chin propped in her hands and looked on amusedly as the rest of the table surveyed meekly the ongoing conflict between the three Shepherd family members. Like a silent battles of wills Linda raised an eye defiantly and glanced down at her lap to primly fold her napkin. Derek glared, and finally, once Meredith thought the edges of the thin cloth would fray with the way Linda's fingers worked the edges, deposited it precisely upon the table beside her plate and stood up shortly.

"Nancy," her tone was clipped and gathered with the effort to still appear as if they had the upper advantage and were not being forced to leave, and Nancy (who still had not risen from her seat), turned to stare open-mouthed at their mother.

"Mom?" she questioned indignantly, her voice laced with disbelief.

"We're leaving," Linda instructed shortly, refusing to meet any of the eleven gazes that currently rested upon her (sans Meredith, who was now staring reverently at the floor).

Nancy glared and turned to cast a brief glare in Meredith's direction. Her gaze slid disbelievingly to linger on Derek. She hesitated, all trace of her earlier controlled disposition fading away. She turned to face their mother.

"But-"

"Now, Nancy," Linda insisted firmly, visibly taken aback by the situation and trying hard not to show it, "We're _leaving_."

Derek's oldest sister seemed at a lost for words. She looked from Linda to Derek to Mark and back to Derek again, reverently opening and closing her mouth as if somehow, magically, the right words would come out and everyone would go back to their dinner as if nothing had happened. Nothing like this, anyways.

"Fine," Nancy managed finally, with an indignant huff, "Fine. Kathleen, come on-"

"She can stay," Derek rebutted, with a glance towards the younger of the two sisters. His gaze shifted and turned hard and determined as he rounded back to face Nancy.

Nancy huffed.

"Fine," she said again, pushing her chair away from the table and standing, "I hope you realize what you're doing-"

"Do you?" Derek shot back calmly, quietly…so that Nancy's head snapped up and her eyes met Derek's own. For a moment her jaw slackened and she seemed to consider this. There was a tense pause, during which Derek moved to stand defensively next to Meredith, and Nancy glanced -with what could have been apprehension- towards their mother. Finally, she straightened.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she insisted, narrowing her eyes, and with that, turned and swept out of the room.

Linda watched her oldest daughter exit the room and slowly turned back to face the table. She hesitated.

"Derek…" she began finally. The room was silent. They waited.

"…Mom?" Derek demanded, perhaps a little harsher than he meant. Linda clutched nervously at the back of her chair, until her knuckles turned white with the force of it. She glanced away.

"Goodbye."

And she too straightened and followed after her daughter, head held determinedly -if not wrongfully- high.

Meredith found something invisible to pick at, averting her eyes. She felt simultaneously relieved and guilty. And indignant. Indignant was definitely up there on the list. There was a moment's silence until finally, carefully, everyone seemed to exhale in relief, glancing cautiously around at one another before quickly looking away, something unspoken between all of them.

Kathleen placed her napkin beside her plate alongside the others and glanced towards the foyer through which Linda and Nancy had just exited. She hesitated before looking to Derek, who understood.

"I…I should go," her voice rang timid at first, and then -slowly- became stronger as she took everything in.

Derek nodded.

"I'll…call," she promised, standing quickly, and offered a brief -if not awkward- smile at the rest of the table. "It was…nice to meet all of you…" she walked quickly to Derek. "Der," she stood on her toes to hug him, "Meredith…" she moved to give her an awkward embrace, "You're okay?"

Meredith nodded.

"I'll call," Kathleen said again, resolutely. She smiled. "I love you, Der," she hugged him again, pressed a quick hand to Meredith's belly, and turned breathlessly to face the rest of the table. "…Um, Merry Christmas," she smiled endearingly, before turning guiltily -disapprovingly- to follow after Nancy and their mother.

* * *

_Okay...so it's officially been a month since I've updated. Blame major writer's block, a need for a break, complete and bitter resentment towards the fact that for awhile there, I seemed unable to write myself out of the corner I'd inadvertently backed into. I'm sorry! :(  
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_Please forgive me? Please read? Dare I ask...please review? _


	47. Chapter 47

Suggested listening:

"Bad Day"- Daniel Powter

* * *

"Meredith."

Derek had stood in the doorway to Meredith's bedroom for a long time. Dinner had been a disaster. His family coming to dinner had been a disaster. Derek was…angry and indignant and confused all at once. And a tiny bit sad. …Regret. Regret was a big one. Derek regretted forcing his family's visit on Meredith. He regretted not interfering the night before at the restaurant. He seriously regretted even inviting them out in the first place. But most of all he regretted how naive he had been, when, seriously? Had he really expected it to go any better?

The dinner guests had slowly drifted home, because…after the dinner and a movie they had just been privy to? There wasn't much that could bring a dinner (in which half the people hated one another, anyways) back from that. Guilt. There was another one. Derek felt guilty. Derek was _guilty_. Ugh, and Meredith had intensified that guilt by about ten-thousand-and-one. Because seriously? She had actually managed to make it through the remainder of the evening without a) breaking down, or b) attempting some serious (and very Meredith-like) avoidance.

Except for the second choice wasn't completely truthful, because really, everyone except Mark had avoided the topic of the Shepherd Smack Down (as Mark had so callously dubbed it) like...well, the incredibly delicate subject that it was. And so there had been a little avoiding. But not the massive, angry, hysterical, 'I'm fine' avoiding that Derek had expected.

Meredith had literally stood up, and she had defended herself. And Derek and their baby. Which was just…completely new to Derek. Meredith, indignant? It was the light at the end of an incredibly judgmental (on his mother and Nancy's part) tunnel. Similar to coming up for fresh air when you thought you couldn't stay underwater any longer. Although Derek really tried to avoid metaphors involving water…and swimming and drowning and well, _breathing, _since Meredith had once _literally _drowned.

But this Meredith had been completely amazing. Which of course had pulled Derek himself to his senses. What had he been doing all night? Had he seriously been so disillusioned with the happy hope that his family and Meredith would get along that he was willing to let his family's snide judgments slide by like that? It was insane, and he was definitely feeling guilty for letting it get that far.

Which brought him to his place outside Meredith's bedroom door. There was a space of about six inches where the door had not been closed completely, and it was in the darkness of the hallway that Derek now peered through said space, incredibly grateful (and a bit surprised) that the door was not already closed and locked.

"Meredith…" Derek spoke again, and this time he moved forward enough so that the door swung open a tiny bit. She was lying on her side with her back to him -facing the window- and Derek took another tiny step closer. "…Mer?" He was close enough to see that she had a pillow propped beneath the rise of her belly, and this concerned him. "Meredith?" he frowned, "…You okay?"

"No," he response was immediate, her voice hollow and wretched, and she was quick to palm away the few tears that had managed to escape and slide a telling trail down her cheeks.

Derek hesitated.

"What's wrong?" he ventured, unable to contain his worry, "…Is it-"

"She's kicking," Meredith winced, cutting him off and pressing a hand to a spot slightly below her belly button, "it hurts."

Derek frowned. He had been expecting this kind of night; one of those where Meredith cried and he consoled and there was just a general feeling of insecurity about the whole thing. But if she was actually in pain…surely this was just deterring from her feelings about his family's visit. They would get to that later…

"…What can I do?" Derek leaned forward and laid a careful hand against Meredith's own.

"Nothing," Meredith snapped, and even as she said this Derek felt something akin to a tiny fist hitting his own outstretched palm. Whether or not it was an actual fist… Derek had a feeling it probably didn't matter. "I'm sorry," Meredith apologized, and her voice was softer now, "but there's nothing you can do. She's been like this all day-" she died off with a moan and seemed to pull into herself, drawing her legs up to her chest as far as her belly would allow.

Derek's heart rate tripled. It was an instinctive reaction, and one he couldn't control even if he had wanted to. Past experience gathered from the last several months had taught him that pain equaled hospital, and he offered this now.

"Should I…? Do I need to take you…tothehopsital?" he finished quickly, alarmed as Meredith made another uncomfortable sound and gripped at her hip bones.

"God, _no_-" she refused loudly, slowly unclenching her fists, "Just…talk to her, _please_-"

"Okay," Derek was quick to comply, and slowly, slowly…Meredith turned over so that she was on her back, and Derek laid a hand to either side of her belly and just…talked…

"Charlotte, Princess…" he voice came out husky, and just above a whisper, and Derek glanced self-consciously to Meredith to see if she was listening. If she was…well, her eyes were squeezed shut and her hands were once again clenched into tight fists, and Derek figured that this was a good enough sign that Meredith was a bit preoccupied at the moment.

"You're hurting Mommy…" he continued finally, and sighed. "I know you're not doing it on purpose, but Mommy hasn't had a very good day…" Derek took a moment to peek up at Meredith, but if she had heard him she wasn't saying anything…

"_Der_-" Meredith pleaded.

"Okay, okay," Derek reassured anxiously, intent on relieving her pain, and refocusing his attention on her belly, "Your Aunt Lexie came for Christmas dinner, and Daddy yelled at Mommy when she was hurting…" Derek didn't bother to glance up this time; he let his hand trail the gentle rise of Meredith's stomach and continued, "You probably heard Daddy…he wasn't being very nice. But Daddy loves Mommy very much and he loves you too; you're his Princess…and he even loves Aunt Lexie and so will you…she works with your Mom at the hospital…"

Derek wasn't sure if the tear that had just slipped down Meredith's cheek was because she was in pain or because of what he had just said, but he thought he could feel Charlotte calming down slightly…

"Your Aunt Cristina was here too, she's a little crazy but Daddy thinks that really, really deep down she's probably soft…And Uncle Alex and George and Aunt Izzie and even Uncle Mark, although Daddy's going to make sure that Uncle Mark only has supervised visits with his Princess, because Uncle Mark is a little bit of a bad influence…" Derek felt himself grin as she said this and pressed a kiss to the spot below Meredith's belly button. "You probably haven't had a good day either, huh?" Derek hesitated, "You shouldn't listen to what Grandma says, though," he spoke carefully, "because Grandma was mad at Daddy, and she and Daddy's big sister said some things they didn't mean…They know that you and Mommy are Daddy's Princesses and they were a little bit jealous…"

Meredith's own hand joined Derek's against her belly now, and Derek glanced up and offered a lopsided grin.

"Better?"

Meredith bit her lip and slowly relaxed back into the pillows with a nod.

"Mommy says she's feeling better now," Derek pressed another kiss to Meredith's baby bump and smiled, "And you, Princess, should probably go to sleep so that she can rest…" Derek's voice died away, leaving a heavy silence in its wake.

"Derek…" Something about the sound of Meredith's voice made Derek glance up, and she gave him one of those sad, appreciative smiles that Derek had grown to be so accustomed to.

"It's okay," he explained plaintively.

Meredith lifted a hand to his face; smoothed her slender fingers down across his jaw line and against his stubble.

"…They won't know her," she spoke finally -quietly- biting down determinedly on her bottom lip.

Derek glanced up and was surprised to find an incessant clarity to the green of Meredith's eyes, not the usual clouded gray indecision that was always so telling (and, in truth, that he had been expecting)…

"They won't know her, Derek," Meredith said again, more adamantly than before, and Derek gave a slow, accepting nod. "She can't-" Meredith took a breath, "she can't think that she isn't loved…She can't- If they can't accept her," she rephrased finally, "if they can't understand us and accept our daughter-" Meredith motioned between them, laying a careful hand against her belly, "This whole thing? They won't get to be a part of it," she answered herself with a determined nod, before concluding: "…And they'll be missing out."

Derek didn't think he had even been prouder. As much as he wished that they could do this -this whole creating an incredible human life together thing- without having to cut out his family…this was what they needed. After tonight, this was what they had to do.

"Mer…"

Meredith must have misinterpreted his delay because she immediately cut him off:

"We have to _love_ her, Derek," she insisted tearfully, "She deserves a real childhood…I _need_ her to have a real childhood," she explained pleadingly. "…I won't be like my mother."

"Never," Derek shook his head and pulled her close, "You could never be Ellis…" Nancy and his mother may not have realized it yet, but they had made a choice tonight. And it was something that they were all going to have to live with.

"The things they said…" Meredith's shoulders were shaking now with the effort to suppress her sobs, "She needs a fresh start, Derek. She _deserves _a fresh start…And I won't let them hate her."

"They made a choice, Mer," Derek soothed, running his fingers through her hair and breathing in her lavender scent, "They were wrong. And neither of you deserved it," he pointed out, looking down at her belly. "And I'm so sorry…"

"Derek…" Meredith pulled back with an unspoken wince as Charlotte stirred and gave another kick, and Derek understood that today, Meredith had done enough on her own. She needed him now, and he laid his hands against her bump -felt the renewed movement within- and it was a good feeling to know that he, Derek Shepherd -divorced and having an unplanned baby with a woman years his junior- was a dad, and that his daughter knew this.

"Charlotte…" he began, confidentially now, "You don't like it when your Mom's upset, huh?...You love your Mommy, don't you…" The lull beneath his hands was immediate, and almost instinctual, and a glance in Meredith's direction revealed that she was already drifting off to sleep. And Derek smiled, because he loved Meredith, and because his daughter knew the sound of his voice, and loved him.

* * *

_Gag, I think I'm choking on the sentiment here. :) But yeah…hopefully this was a taste of satisfaction for all of you…? Meredith stood up for herself and their baby and told Derek that she did not want Charlotte to grow up and feel unwanted…or be on the receiving end of any kind of resentment in any way. And she was fair about it, also… She wasn't demanding and she's definitely not trying to take Derek away from his family or pull them apart, but at the same time, she has to protect their daughter. So even although we know she's hurt at the way Nancy and Derek's mother received her, ultimately she's a mom now, and she's putting her daughter first. And she did it all with minimal freaking-out. Which is really good, seeing as it's Meredith. :) But yeah…tomorrow is Christmas Day and don't forget, Derek has a surprise, remember? And there will be more about Derek's family and their visit…and there may even be some resolution. ;)_

_Plus, Derek with Charlotte? He's going to be such a good dad…This chapter was part loving, caring Derek from the Meredith drowning/ferry boat crash story arc, combined with the sad, I-love-you-and-I'm-trying-to-make-the-right-choice Meredith from the appendix episode where Meredith picks Derek over Fin and Derek ultimately chooses to try and be the bigger person and let Meredith go. So imagine this chapter as a type of combination of those emotions… Anyways, it was already a horrible day -obviously because of the whole fiasco with Derek's family- but also because Charlotte's constant activity was really hurting Meredith. And yes, this is possible; for some pregnant women as early as 20 weeks a baby's movement can cause severe pain/discomfort because you are constantly getting jabbed all over the place and it tends to be rather small in there. Sometimes it's worse than others, but I guess it can really feel like it's literally tearing you apart. And babies tend to pick up on stress like that (and obviously, Mer was very stressed).  
_

_The reviews from the last chapter were__ amazing_!_ I actually think that's the most response I've gotten on one chapter since starting this fic, so thanks! I promised I wouldn't leave you hanging for another month, so I hope you enjoyed this update, (I know it was a little short) and I'll try to post again soon!_


	48. Chapter 48

Suggested listening:

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"- Judy Garland

* * *

The day started like any other…It was seven in the morning, it was snowing, Meredith's bedroom was dark, the curtains pulled. The only abnormalities were in the little things; things that, with a heightening feeling of excitement, Derek took special note of. Discontent over his family's visit lingered in the back of his mind, his thoughts automatically and unwillingly pulling towards the events from the night before. He thought back to his talk with Meredith, and how she had stood up to his family alongside him. What was more -Derek's heart constricted proudly at the thought- she had stood up for their baby girl. He considered their talk from the night before, as Meredith lay in discomfort, weary from the day's events, and how she had told him how important it was to her that Charlotte have a childhood. She was making decisions for more than just herself now; making them and talking them through with Derek, and slowly…the tumultuous day had drawn to a close.

Meredith had slept, and Derek had drifted in that place between sleep and awake for several hours, because it was way too early for sleep…and after all, tomorrow was Christmas, their first as the beginning of a little family (a hopeful thought which kept him up far longer than usual). Strangely enough, this sleep-watching habit that so thoroughly drove Meredith insane had not dwindled with the long, dragging bouts of morning sickness (during which Derek always dutifully held back Meredith's hair), or the exhausting late-night runs to the local Alan's for pickles and cheese-whiz. And so Derek had watched her, as he usually did, because pregnancy had only made Meredith more becoming…and in turn, this attraction to the woman carrying his child had only intensified his sleep-watching habits. And it was okay, because Meredith was tired and dead-asleep and Derek knew she would not wake (and squint blearily at him and frown in fake-admonishment as she realized that he had been watching her) and he didn't know how he felt about this. Because for all of the crap she gave him -when she caught him doing this- her playful rants always ended with her trying to cover up the grin that Derek knew she was secretly hiding. Some small part of him had wanted to see that grin in that moment; but really, Derek was content to just watch, and splay his fingers across her rounded belly, and whisper quiet things to their baby.

One thing that Meredith probably did not know: sometimes she slept so deeply that she did not snore. Which was okay by Derek, although he had actually grown used to them by now and rarely used the earplugs that Meredith had tucked away in the drawer of his bedside table. Last night Meredith had not snored, and in a strange, ironic twist, Derek found the dark, pressing silence of the bedroom almost unsettling without them. He had turned his head to look at her, but her back had been to him, and at some point Derek had realized that he must have drifted off to sleep because before they were facing one another as they always did. Again he had turned his head -this time to his left to look at the clock- and the glowing green numbers of its digital face read two-fifteen a.m. He had wished Meredith would turn over so that her belly was between them -as usual- but eventually he forgot to care and drifted away into sleep.

Yesterday had been Christmas Eve. Awful, sad, full of frustrations. But today was Christmas. The childhood spirit within Derek -the one the remembered opening presents and red and green pancakes and full stockings- gave an eager flutter at the thought. It was Christmas Day, and on Christmas, magical things happened. The curtains were pulled and Meredith's bedroom was dark and a glance at the clock further informed him that it was seven in the morning. Which was strange, because even when Derek knew he did not have to be at work, his internal clock kept time without fail and usually woke him at five. Even stranger (Derek realized as he looked over), was that Meredith was tossing and turning in her sleep and he had slept right through it. Derek lay still for a moment and watched her, flat on his back, his face turned in her direction.

"…Mer?" he whispered finally, and reached out to tuck a strand of hair away from her face and she turned fitfully and settled into the pillow. "Meredith…" he ventured again -slightly louder this time- and Meredith unconsciously put a hand to her belly.

"Hmm…" she managed, and then turned again, pushing the sheets down around her. Now her back was to Derek and he hesitated.

"Meredith?"

No answer. Meredith sighed in her sleep.

He decided he would get up and have some cereal and leave Meredith to rest. Any other day, Derek would have pulled her to him and continued to sleep, or woken her with several strategically placed kisses for sex. But these last few months had taught him well; Meredith more than deserved a day to sleep in.

And besides...he was too excited to lay in bed any longer.

* * *

Derek ran a hand through his hair in a futile attempt to tame his unruly black locks as he descended the stairs and shuffled into the kitchen. Izzie greeted him with a smile and a nod towards the eggs she was frying, extending the pan in his direction.

"Merry Christmas! Eggs?" she offered.

"Merry Christmas," Derek grinned, pulling a bowl from the cabinet and politely declining her offer.

Izzie nodded and replaced the pan on the burner.

"The Muesli…" Derek asked after a moment, his quandary breaking the content, early-morning silence, "Have you seen it?" He pulled open another cabinet and continued to forage as Izzie scraped a spatula across the frying pan and flipped the eggs.

"Alex had the rest of it this morning," Izzie glanced over and offered Derek an apologetic shrug.

Derek looked around and rubbed his hands together in an effort to defuse some of his nervous excitement. _Surprise, Surprise, Surprise, _his inner mantra chanted, consumed with thoughts of his preparations for this day.

"It's fine," he glanced up towards the ceiling as his thoughts drifted back to Meredith. "I'll make waffles. Do you want any?"

"Sure," Izzie nodded and slid the eggs off onto her plate.

"…Alex here?" Derek asked after awhile, adding milk to the waffle batter.

Izzie tested the waffle iron to see if it was hot.

"He's on call," she explained. "Got paged."

"On Christmas?" Derek sympathized, but Izzie gave a knowing smirk.

"It's Alex. He wouldn't have in any other way." She raised an eyebrow, "Meredith asleep? How is she? After…" Izzie trailed off sadly, and Derek sighed.

"She was tired," he acknowledged understandably. "After everything. The past few days…"

"Your family sucks," Izzie spoke pointedly, taking another bite of her eggs and chewing contemplatively. She twirled her fork around her plate as if she were trying to pick up spaghetti. "Like, really sucks."

Derek poured the batter onto the waffle iron and frowned, the events from the night previous momentarily tugging at his spirits. The kitchen was quiet except for the gurgle of the coffee maker.

"...It won't happen again," he vowed quietly, lifting the lid and flipping a perfect waffle out onto a platter with a fork.

* * *

Derek showered and dressed while he waited for Meredith to wake. Covering the remaining waffles with foil, he placed the platter in the oven to keep warm for her breakfast and carried his mug of coffee with him out onto the front porch. Stuffing his free hand into the front pocket of his jeans, he took a drink from his mug and contemplated the cold, clear morning.

"Merry Christmas…" he murmured, thinking about Izzie's comment and his family's actions from the night before. As if on cue, his cell phone began to vibrate, and he pulled it wearily from the case on his belt, expecting to see a page from the hospital.

When he saw instead his mother's name flashing across the screen, Derek very nearly hurled his phone into the snow. If Derek knew anything about his mother, however, he knew she would not stop calling until she got her way, and so, after a brief moment of internal debate, he answered, with as much contempt as he could manage:

"Merry Christmas, Mother-" he very nearly spat, jerking his coffee mug off the porch railing and taking an indignant gulp. It burned ferociously, causing him to miss the first half of Linda's forthcoming tirade…

"…pay _triple _the cost to get a flight home on _Christmas Eve, _Derek! I mean really, I hope you're satisfied!"

Derek took a deep breath and set his coffee aside, allowing himself to recap his mother's latest accusation, his mind reeling and furious.

"Mother-" he began, indignant, as she continued, unrelenting:

"Nancy's family is away, and now she's without them, all because you called us all the way out there and then _sent us away_-"

"Moth-"

"I'm hurt, Derek, deeply hurt," Linda rushed out, talking ever louder and more quickly in order to get out what she wanted to say, "I don't know where everything went so awry with you but I only-"

"MOTHER!" Derek nearly bellowed, physically leaning forward to shout into the phone, "Enough! Enough, enough! _Enough!_"

"Derek, I-"

"Is Nancy with you?" he spat contemptuously. Without waiting for an answer, he demanded: "…Put me on speaker."

"Derek-"

"Put me on speaker, Mother!"

Derek waited while the line shuffled noisily into his ear as Linda put him on speakerphone.

"Derek…"

"Am I on speaker?"

"Yes-"

"Great, now _I _speak," Derek demanded, running a hand through his hair in frustration, "You know how important family has always been to me. Without Dad…" Derek swallowed the lump in his throat as the line remained silent and continued, "It's important for me to have the _support_ of my family. My _complete _family." Derek reiterated, pausing to gather his thoughts, "…Meredith is part of my family now. She's completes me. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I _will _marry her. I will build her a house, give her a wedding…care and provide for her and our daughter for the rest of my life-"

"Derek-"

"-with or without you…" Derek finished quietly. "Do you hear me?"

The line was silent, and then Linda's voice drifted quietly through the line:

"…Yes."

"Nancy? Derek demanded. He could almost hear the haughty indifference his older sister was surely radiating in the stillness of the line, and continued without waiting for an answer:

"I'm marrying her, Mom. It's Christmas, and today I'm giving her the proposal she deserves. I'm marrying the mother of my child," Derek's voice broke into a peal of relieved laugher as this revelation sunk in. "My _wife_…" he took a deep breath, no longer interested in continuing their conversation.

"Derek-"

"Merry Christmas, Mom, Nance," he wished lightheartedly -genuinely- the meaning of this revelation buoying his spirits to new heights, "...I've got to go."

* * *

"Der?" Meredith stepped sleepily out onto the porch as Derek tucked his phone back into it's case. "Who was that?"

"Hospital," Derek sidestepped smoothly, knowing to choose his battles, "Just checking in." He stepped forward and cupped her face gently in his hands, pressing a kiss to her golden blonde hair and pulling back to grin at her. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas," Meredith smiled, leaning into his chest and allowing him to support her weight as his hands found the curve of her pregnant belly and rubbed slow, gentle circles there.

"I love you…" Derek breathed. A tiny foot thumped against his hand and Derek pulled back and held Meredith at arms length as she shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"You're barefoot," he chuckled bemusedly, "It's freezing. Come on," Derek gazed at her endearingly and held out a hand, "Let's get you inside."

Derek pulled the remaining waffles from the oven and made toast while Meredith showered and dressed for the day. He couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful she looked when she descended the stairs twenty minutes later, dressed for the occasion in a soft, red maternity sweater that fitted her belly perfectly.

"Hi," Derek smiled, pulling her into his arms. "You're beautiful."

"You made breakfast?" she observed happily, standing on her toes to wrap her arms around his neck.

"I did," Derek played along, "With blueberries."

"And whipped cream?" Meredith peered past him excitedly, and Derek chuckled.

"Oh, I don't know…"

"Dereeek…pleeease…" Meredith whined, allowing Derek to cut her off with a chaste kiss.

Meredith smiled and bit her lip, gazing shyly up at him. Charlotte gave another kick within her mother's belly, one which Derek felt through their embrace.

"You feeling okay?" he questioned, partially out of habit but remembering also the night before.

"Yes," Meredith nodded eagerly. "...Do I get whipped cream now?'

Derek laughed, gently hoisting her onto the bar stool before pulling the plate of waffles to her.

"…Yes," he caved, watching as she picked up the nearest utensil and happily dug in.

* * *

"Derek, where are we going?" Meredith pouted, fidgeting in her seat, twisting to look towards him as he drove. They had left the house after breakfast, left the outer limits of the city, and had been driving for nearly fifteen minutes with no explanation as to what they were doing or where they were heading.

Derek chuckled, paying careful attention to his driving as he navigated the Land Cruiser down a road that had become very familiar to him over the last two months.

"It's a surprise," he smiled, nearly laughing with the thrill of it. Meredith stared at him, narrowing her gaze as his own blue eyes glinted happily.

"But I wanna knooow…" she insisted after a few moments silence, pulling at her seatbelt as she fidgeted, wriggling around in her seat until Derek could barely stand it.

"Meredith!" he laughed, reaching a hand across the seat divider and clasping her tiny, ineffectual hand in his calm, larger one. "Be patient. You are capable of that, aren't you?" he questioned teasingly, his smile bright and playful. Meredith huffed and turned to stare out the window as they made a turn off the main road and began to wind their way through the trees on a lesser-used side road.

Ten minutes later, Derek slowed the car, peaking Meredith's interest and causing her to sit up a little straighter.

"Are we here?" she demanded excitedly, "Are you finally telling me what we're doing?"

"...We're here," Derek laughed, charmed by her impatience. He too sat up straighter, excited, and slowed the car until they were just beyond a range of tall pine tees. Meredith leaned forward against the confines of her seatbelt, a hand to her belly, and peered out the window.

"Just wait," he instructed eagerly, opening his door and hurrying around to Meredith's side of the car to help her out.

"What are we doing?"

Derek eased her from the car and pulled her coat more snuggly around her, adjusting the buttons.

"You'll see…" he promised, taking her by the hand and leading her carefully towards the ridge of trees. Meredith grasped his hand tightly and allowed herself to be led along, curious. There was a few moments silence as they walked, hand in hand, the crisp chill of the day stirring their breath in a foggy haze before them. The normally cloudy, grey sky was a clear shade of blue. Snow flurries were dusted from their resting places on the boughs of pine trees as the wind stirred, and in the distance, a bird was calling. It really was beautiful out here.

Meredith took this in, the calm serenity of it all, and when Derek finally spoke she almost missed his first few words:

"This is the driveway…" Derek started slowly, and Meredith had to pull her attention away from the beautiful landscape to catch on to what he'd said. She didn't see any driveway, and she looked around, puzzled, before he continued:

"This-" Derek swept out his arm, motioning towards the bay in the distance, tiny ferry boats just visible on its horizon, "This is what the porch will overlook…" Meredith eyes followed his gesture, unsure, mind working to figure out what Derek was telling her. She stared for a moment, at his face…the happy expression she found there. _What was he saying…? _And then:

"Derek…" her eyes grew wide, but Derek turned and placed a gentle finger to her lips as they reached the ridge and the edge of the tree line.

"And this…" he squeezed her hand and turned to look out over the rise of the ridge, his voice proud and happy and eager with anticipation, "…Is our house."

* * *

Meredith gazed out over the expanse of land, awed. She could see it all now, the driveway (they were standing right where it would lead), the beginnings of a house, it's wooden frame bright and strong and new against the winter backdrop. The framework for a wraparound porch (because what was the point of having all this land to view if the porch didn't wrap around?)…The square frames where the windows would be were empty and staring, but they were wide, the kind that allowed for sweeping views and large amounts of natural light, and she could see now that the house would have an upper floor, and maybe a basement…

"Derek…" Meredith breathed, "Oh my God…It's perfect."

"Merry Christmas," Derek grinned, gripping her elbow supportively as she turned weakly towards him with tears in her eyes.

"…You did this?"

"For us," Derek pressed a kiss to her temple, his free hand finding its way to her belly, "For our family."

"It's beautiful..."

"I have all of the blueprints for you to look over at the house. There's still the option to make some changes. I need your input," he explained, following Meredith's gaze as she turned back to stare down at the framework for their home. _Their home. _

"Okay," she whispered, clasping his hand, awed. She couldn't believe it.

"…There's one more thing," he said quietly, pulling a small box from his coat pocket. Meredith looked up at him and frowned, feeling suddenly lightheaded, watching as the box made its way from Derek's pocket to her own, shaky fingertips. She stared down at it, unsure.

"Open it," he encouraged, his hands covering her own as she lifted the hinged lid uncertainly. "It's the key, to the front door," Derek explained with an oblivious, excited grin and she reveled it's contents. "Or it will be, when we install the hardware," he laughed, proud of himself. "It's your house key."

Meredith looked up at Derek, and then at the key, letting out an uneven breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

"Oh…" she spoke finally, forcing a smile onto her face, almost laughing out of nerves, "Wow, Derek, that's-"

"…Were you expecting a ring?" he interrupted quietly, his voice soft and intent. His gaze was suddenly boring into her, and Meredith bowed her head and blushed, averting her eyes.

"Oh, I…no-"

"So this will be a surprise then."

"I…what?" Meredith glanced up at him, then down to her hand as Derek took it into his own, pulling from his pocket something cool and unfamiliar and slipping it onto her finger.

"I...D-Derek-" Meredith's eyes grew wide, the perfect, unexpectedness of it all enveloping her and rendering her speechless. She looked up from her hand that Derek still held and into the eyes of the man she loved.

"Meredith…" Derek grinned, "You're the mother of my child, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you." His eyes smoldered as he gazed down at her, and it was really more of a statement than a question when he next spoke:

"...Marry me."

* * *

_AN: ...hi :)_


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